Four in a Bed Highlights and Motivation

[paruses]

All,

For those not in the know I have embraced my mid-life crisis and one of the milestones is being dumped by a girl half my age. So now I have to lie in bed and stare at the TV for a bit.

One upshot of this is that I've finally got to see extended runs of 4IAB - a programme I only really got  to see odd episodes of if I got in early from work.

I'm jumping around all 582 episodes and watching blocks of weeks at a time. I know this comes up as a guilty pleasure so are there any real doozies out there (there are)? I've watched some and they were a bit dull - looking for hairs and then tit for tat but no one crying in the final episode.

And then I've found a couple of comps where I can hate each couple as they come on and rotate my anger. It's great.

Also - I jumped in at S8 - is it good from the get-go or really boring like The Apprentice until S6 and then value for money?

What's the motivation for people going on? Do they do it as a business booster or out of ego?

And finally - do you feel sorry for the niche yoga retreat / hippy businesses that are put against 1000 count cotton thread businesses since they have such wildly different target markets or does it just make it ace?

[Icehaven]

What's the motivation for people going on? Do they do it as a business booster or out of ego?

I can't believe they still haven't changed the name of the show to Pube in a Bed, or the Great British Pube Hunt, seeing as the main motivation of a lot of the participants seem to be to find pubes in the rival B&Bs. And not just in the bed either, on toilet seats, in the breakfasts, falling gently from the sky over Blackpool promenade.

And finally - do you feel sorry for the niche yoga retreat / hippy businesses that are put against 1000 count cotton thread businesses since they have such wildly different target markets or does it just make it ace?

There was an amusing incident a while ago where a hard-nosed businessman type who had at one point seemed quite determined to win, overpaid a hippy place (think it was either a barge or a converted bus) by absolutely loads, like 5 times as much as they were asking, making them weep with joy and infuriating the rest of the contestants. His real motive was of course revenge, as he'd received poor feedback from one of the other couples and was just making sure there was no way they were going to win, all the time showering the weeping hippy couple with praise and waxing lyrical about how wonderful what they were offering was, while the other two sat there fuming.

And there's been some fun breakfast fall outs too, mostly over bad sausages and certain breakfasts not being available on demand. I have a vague memory of some Scottish bloke having a total paddy when one of his guests asked for Eggs Benedict even though it wasn't on the menu, then airily claim they should be able to just rustle it up, and should be able to provide anything the guests asked for (so by that logic if they asked for chicken tikka masala for breakfast, that should be doable right?)
Watching people disingenuously claim they 'aren't game playing' when they make unreasonable demands like that is actually one of the reasons I don't watch it so much now, it gets boring after a while (along with the recipients of poor feedback saying 'the gloves are off now.'' at least once per f*****g episode), and makes you wallow in the pettiness of the human race even more than usual.

[the]

An £80 a night B&B can only justify itself by no human being ever having existed within it, or indeed no time having ever passed inside it prior to the present moment.

'Oh no, some grime on the upper interior surface of the inner workings of a chest of drawers - and to think I was going to lick my dinner off of that later'

Suspend all reality, ye who have small businesses, for truly thou art the very arse of a cunt

[the]

Contestant: DEAR RESERCHER, I ARE VERY COMPETITIVE AND HAVE VERY EXACTING TASTES

Media Cunt:

[Icehaven]

I think my brain sometimes conflates separate egregiousnesses though, as I have in my mind one episode where this horrible pair of twats were literally and figuratively tearing their room apart looking for faults, and they finally took all the bedclothes off and turned the mattress over (which wasn't something that used to happen much but they all do it in later series), found a stain and triumphantly bellowed "BINGO!!" then packed their bags on the spot and left, refusing to stay there. But that might have been two separate incidents, I can't quite remember.

Then there's the bought-my-owns that never fail to enrage the hosts. They bring their own pillows, sleeping bags, soya milk, breakfast cereal or in one case a duvet cover to sleep in so they aren't actually touching the bed, then disingenuously (that word comes up a lot with this programme...) playing innocent when the host gets the hump about it. 

[Blinder Data]

I remember one drab couple who unexpectedly got the best reviews by basically keeping things low-key and doing everything to a good standard. They then revealed themselves to be total game-playing wankers by finding imaginary faults with other guests to chip away at their competitors. They tried to knock several points off one pretty faultless-looking room "because it doesn't have a fridge in it and you know we like to have a fridge in our room, don't we?". Total brass neck.

The other one to watch out for is The Hotel Inspector on Channel 5. I've only seen one episode but it was mad: some proper Fawlty Towers establishment in the Welsh countryside that hadn't been decorated in decades that had a strict policy of feeding children dinner separately from parents who would have to put them to bed so they could dine with the other adult guests, owned by a lazy bastard of a man who was nominally in charge but did naff all to help his downtrodden wife who did everything, and yet he would refuse to make any changes necessary to updating the hotel. The inspector was at a loose end. Total hate-watching material. I hate everyone involved in the programme, including myself for watching it, but at least there's a sense of honour in it being like a proper fly-on-the-wall doc and not a reality show like FIAB.

[gilbertharding]

And there's been some fun breakfast fall outs too, mostly over bad sausages and certain breakfasts not being available on demand. I have a vague memory of some Scottish bloke having a total paddy when one of his guests asked for Eggs Benedict even though it wasn't on the menu, then airily claim they should be able to just rustle it up, and should be able to provide anything the guests asked for (so by that logic if they asked for chicken tikka masala for breakfast, that should be doable right?)

I agree that The Off-Menu Eggs Benedict Demand is a recognisable play, but I would hope that any proper kitchen would have the ingredients more-or-less to hand. If there's no muffins, then toast ought to be ok, and Hollandaise is just eggs, butter and lemon juice.

The question is, does the cook know how to do it? The answer, in 2019, when you can google the recipe on your phone is: can the cook read?

Mind you, I've never successfully poached an egg, so there's that...

[Emma Raducanu]

The part of the show I enjoy most is the breakfast. I just love seeing food and watching people eat it. One of my favourite moments in cinema is when I from Withnail & I bites into an egg sandwich in a greasy spoon.

It's INCREDIBLY rare to see a decent breakfast cooked on 4 in a bed, which is pretty dispiriting. Like you say, some don't even know how to poach an egg, which is a bit like being employed as a receptionist and not knowing how to answer the phone.

[bgmnts]

The part of the show I enjoy most is the breakfast. I just love seeing food and watching people eat it.

I'm the exact opposite. The scene where Denethor eats in Return of the King makes me gag.

[Emma Raducanu]

I used to enjoy listening to my Grandad eat his dinner. Real ASMR shit and had me purring like a cat.

[paruses]

Has anyone seen the one where the host gets hammered and doesn't turn up for breakfast? I saw it as an "on tomorow's episode" bit but didn't catch the episode.

Is it too stressful to watch?

[Icehaven]

Is the B&B in London, vastly overpriced and the host also boasted at dinner the night before about how he'd taken a previous guest to a strip club? It's not particularly stressful but the guy is quite a prat. Also he was never going to turn up for breakfast as his staff do it.

[paruses]

Doesn't sound like the clip I saw - the impression I got was it was a pretty low budget place. I remember the other contestants poking around in his kitchen looking for something to eat while he was asleep up in bed. But it could well have been London.

It was a while ago when I saw it so it may turn out to be the one you say.

[paruses]

I think my brain sometimes conflates separate egregiousnesses though, as I have in my mind one episode where this horrible pair of twats were literally and figuratively tearing their room apart looking for faults, and they finally took all the bedclothes off and turned the mattress over (which wasn't something that used to happen much but they all do it in later series), found a stain and triumphantly bellowed "BINGO!!" then packed their bags on the spot and left, refusing to stay there. But that might have been two separate incidents, I can't quite remember.

Then there's the bought-my-owns that never fail to enrage the hosts. They bring their own pillows, sleeping bags, soya milk, breakfast cereal or in one case a duvet cover to sleep in so they aren't actually touching the bed, then disingenuously (that word comes up a lot with this programme...) playing innocent when the host gets the hump about it.

I think it's two different episodes as I just watched one the other day where the couple took such umbrage at a hair being found (their place was not that clean anyway) that they upended the mattress and were almost orgasmic when they discovered a massive stain on the underside (not even the topside). They didn't storm off though. He was English and she was Tunisian. They had webcams in the breakfast room to monitor when to bring things through for guests - it was an ill advised innovation.

[Emma Raducanu]

Has anyone seen the one where the host gets hammered and doesn't turn up for breakfast?
Is it too stressful to watch?

It is in retrospect. She later killed herself. Oh no sorry that was someone on come dine with me.

[paruses]

It is in retrospect. She later killed herself. Oh no sorry that was someone on come dine with me.

I didn't know that. That's one of the few CDWMs I have seen and was coincidentally when I was coming off the booze.

But you have reminded me that of the 582 episodes on All4 there are several series that only start at episode 6 or so and at least one that only has two episodes in.

Do you think that's because they've been pulled or just All4 weirdness?

[Bobtoo]

One of my favourite moments in cinema is when I from Withnail & I bites into an egg sandwich in a greasy spoon.

It's not him, it's some random old woman, unless I'm thinking of a different scene.

https://youtu.be/4ScgpaZBpTU?t=18

[Bazooka]

Half of it is set up, the host knows the room the other "contestants" will be in, yet there is always a drain full of pubes, 3" of dust on the pillow and some average sausage for breakfast.

[Icehaven]

Half of it is set up, the host knows the room the other "contestants" will be in, yet there is always a drain full of pubes, 3" of dust on the pillow and some average sausage for breakfast.

It's odd how often there's unflushed piss in the toilets too, which the host always flatly denies is possible and which is almost definitely a little last minute conflict prompter from a member of the production team.

[Panbaams]

A show that would fall apart if at any point it occurred to the contestants that they're not in direct competition, and they could do themselves and their industry a massive favour if they presented themselves as reasonable, mutually supportive people.

Has the whole thing of lifting the carpets to check for dust been there from the very beginning, or is it something that a pair of sociopaths did once and has been encouraged ever since?

[Icehaven]

A show that would fall apart if at any point it occurred to the contestants that they're not in direct competition, and they could do themselves and their industry a massive favour if they presented themselves as reasonable, mutually supportive people.

Has the whole thing of lifting the carpets to check for dust been there from the very beginning, or is it something that a pair of sociopaths did once and has been encouraged ever since?

Definitely the latter, as in the beginning it was generally much better natured as per your first suggestion, but now the trend with all these kind of reality-slash-gameshows has been to increasingly play up awfulness and inflate conflict, as that's supposedly what the viewers want to see. One of the things about such a show that compares B&Bs is that they're a highly subjective thing, so you end up with contestants at each other's throats because A accuses B's place of being impersonal and them not being present enough, so B shoots back that they felt suffocated at A's and as if they were intruding in their house. It's virtually comparing apples with oranges so bound to bring on that all-important conflict.   

Something else I think (although I might be misremembering) is that in the early series it was more unusual for them to underpay each other too, but it's standard now.

[gilbertharding]

A forum I used to post on was frequented by a lot of media types. Not popbitch, but a spin-off. Anyway - apologies for the fourth-generation re-telling, but this is the story as I was told it (in 2013). Probably provides some insight:

A friend of mine worked on CDWM and has since moved on, as did a friend of hers. The FOF went to work on one of those police shows were they follow them around filming them arresting people.

So, the FOF with the camera crew arrive at this house with a van full of police to arrest a suspect who's breached bail and is on the run. No answer when the police knock, so they smash the door in with one of those mini battering rams and 6 police charge in. Quickly, they find the suspect, who is dragged screaming blue murder downstairs, struggling, pinned to the floor, cuffed "WHO FACKIN GRASSED ME UP? WHO?" all that stuff. The FOF wanders into the front room and is surprised to see a woman sitting there, in her fifties, naked from the waist down, with an absolutely filthy T-shirt on, smoking. She's watching CDWM, but not just any episode, one that FOF directed. So FOF is standing there thinking "this is really weird, we're filming her watching something I filmed", there is still screaming from the suspect in the hall and the woman just sits there staring at the telly, half smiling. A policeman wanders in, he knows the woman. "Sheila... Sheila? You all right love? We're arresting Micky." Slowly the half naked woman turns to the policeman, raises her arm and points at CDWM shaking her head "Where do they find these fucking people?"

[gilbertharding]

Has anyone seen the one where the host gets hammered and doesn't turn up for breakfast? I saw it as an "on tomorow's episode" bit but didn't catch the episode.

Is it too stressful to watch?

There's one where one of the hosts is Tinhead from Brookside. Instead of cooking breakfast, they take orders for takeaway - which would have been fine (well, it would have been ok with me) except that Tinhead, instead of being on standby at the takeaway to pick the food up, was asleep in bed somewhere else which meant the other host had to take the order, drive round to collect it and fetch it back to the hungry guests who were left alone (on some kind of boat) - by which time it was cold.

[gilbertharding]

I can't believe they still haven't changed the name of the show to the Great British Pube Hunt

They could also use this title for Naked Attraction, seeing how scarce they seem to be.

[St_Eddie]

Mind you, I've never successfully poached an egg, so there's that...

Wine and dine them.  Show them that you'd make a great father.  Some woman's bound to let you poach her egg eventually.

[Jockice]

For those not in the know I have embraced my mid-life crisis and one of the milestones is being dumped by a girl half my age. So now I have to lie in bed and stare at the TV for a bit.

Think yourself lucky mate. I can safely say that if it hadn't been for my girlfriend (don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I have one) I'd almost certainly never have seen this programme in my life. She loves it. All rooms (whether in guest houses or whatever) look exactly the same to me so it's a total waste of time as far as I'm concerned. The only thing that can be said in its favour is that it's better than Fucking Come Dine With Me. Which follows it every Sunday on E4, or as I prefer to call it, The Evil Empire Of Shite.

[Panbaams]

Definitely the latter, as in the beginning it was generally much better natured as per your first suggestion, but now the trend with all these kind of reality-slash-gameshows has been to increasingly play up awfulness and inflate conflict, as that's supposedly what the viewers want to see. One of the things about such a show that compares B&Bs is that they're a highly subjective thing, so you end up with contestants at each other's throats because A accuses B's place of being impersonal and them not being present enough, so B shoots back that they felt suffocated at A's and as if they were intruding in their house. It's virtually comparing apples with oranges so bound to bring on that all-important conflict.   

Something else I think (although I might be misremembering) is that in the early series it was more unusual for them to underpay each other too, but it's standard now.

Ah, right. Interesting stuff – thanks.

This reminds me of a particular episode of Changing Rooms from a few years back. (For those who don't remember it, this was a home makeover show where friends or neighbours would do up a room in each other's house, with the "help" of an interior designer.) Usually the contestants/victims would come back to their home at the end of the show and politely comment that they liked what had been done – mostly enthusiastically, but possibly, on the odd occasion, through gritted teeth. Then there was one show where they'd done various things including (this detail has stuck in my mind) painting squares on the expensive bed linen. The couple returned to their house and the wife flat out hated it. This caused a minor stir (a story in newspapers, on daytime TV) and Private Eye noted in its TV column at the time that it was fascinating to watch a TV show change genre before your very eyes. Because from that point on, anyone who said "I'm not really keen on purple" at the start of the show would be guaranteed to get a purple bedroom by the end of it.

[Captain Crunch]

I saw an episode once where a woman docked points because her knife was a bit heavier than her fork. 

[Icehaven]

I don't know if my memory is playing tricks on me or I do actually remember that because I'm not sure if you're joking.

[paruses]

Just finished one run which had three nice sets and one awful woman on it. Two couples, an Irish man, and this new-age sort of middle aged lady who had a baby-voiced female companion.

The single lady had the worst B&B - more like rooms in her house and commmunal breakfast. She came across as incredibly moved by kindness but, like all these free spirits seem to, knew the price of everything and bore a grudge like mad; she seemed to have made up a story about her eggs being cold and it being the worst ordeal she had ever had.

Everyone else was lovely - even the pseudo-poshos with their obsession with dress code seemed to have been misunderstood and it was cleared up in ep 2.

The other northern couple made the mistake of generously overpaying so although they go 100% from everyone they tipped it in the awful woman's favour and she got 104%. She was not gracious at all in her victory and the couple acknowledged their mistake with faux joy through gritted teeth.

I was so annoyed - best episode so far!