DESOLATION_V.swf

[Captain Poodle Basher]

It's Saturday evening and, as usual, Frank orders his family to be his safety crew prior to his weekly asphyxiwank.

[petril]

your supplier finally moves you off a prepayment tariff and installs one of them fancy shartmeters

[touchingcloth]

Colin's cancers hum Get Lucky

Colin responds by saying "...the sound of the summer".

[derek stitt]

A pickled egg with a runny yolk.

[Gregory Torso]

Colin's cancer

Mel Smith actually filmed the pilot for this.

[petril]

Limmy is trapped in a throng of people all shouting SOUND OF THE SUMMER, out of sync, over and over

[Earnest Sexpot]

"You gonna cum for me? You gonna cum for me like a big boy?"
A Skype call with a Saudi billionaire becomes De Niro's highest-paying role

[Berthas Fat Leg]

A Rochdale hardman corners an ailing weasel. Kick after kick, stamp after stamp, his jaundiced girlfriend pleads with him not to, not when the kids are around.

Secretly, it turns her right on.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A Dutch beer sommelier works day and night to be able to say 'yeast' in a clear cut English accent, but whatever he tries, it just sounds like Gghhhhhhhheeeeeeest.

He tries so hard because the London girls, they laugh at him.

Ghheeeeeeeeest, ghhheeeeeeeeeeest

[seepage]

A beer sommelier

[Ferris]

It's a "Cicero" or something isn't it?

Edit: yeah a "cicerone"

[pancreas]

"You gonna cum for me? You gonna cum for me like a big boy?"
A Skype call with a Saudi billionaire becomes De Niro's highest-paying role

Very nice

[Gregory Torso]

Paul Ross starts a new line of sports shoes called ROSSBOKS. Almost immediately, he is sued into the fucking fossil record, made homeless and catches a slight cold. Also the shoes are so shit and poorly made that they cause a new strain of vaccine-resistant smallpox to flourish and rampage across the orphanages and care homes of Britain.

[petril]

another round of thoughts, prayers and excuses to make sure the next mass shooting starts on schedule

[touchingcloth]

Dr Frankenstein sees his completed monster for the first time and decides that on balance he still would.

[the midnight watch baboon]

It's a library book, so they turn the pages with his penis.

[Cold Meat Platter]

Because the blankets are now police evidence the old homeless man faces a bitterly cold night.

[Ferris]

In between fighting off the student loans company and your landlord attempting to (illegally) raise the rent on you and your wife and your son, a wealthy old relative tells you how easy your generation has it.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

New popular Facebook group the diametric opposite of The Dodo where animals are filmed in life threatening jeopardy and all die while the followers react with ''Nice one'' and 'Stupid pigeon knob lol'

An MP raises the matter in Parliament and the Culture Secretary announces *snigger* that he'll *snigger* look into the matter urgently. There is much mirth and merriment on the front bench.

[Twit 2]

Your rape child loses at Sports Day.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your eighth child is born into a Sports Direct megamug.

[Lordofthefiles]

After holding in a piss for ages, and in extreme discomfort, you nip into a nearby Wetherspoons toilet and release your thick golden stream to much relief... but then, like The Magic Porridge Pot, it just won't stop... and now you desperately need a shit too.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

You threw a party.

Nobody came.

[pancreas]

You threw an orgy.

Nobody came.

[Lordofthefiles]

You threw a child off of The Tate Modern...

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You threw a child off of The Tate Modern...

It was nae arsed

[Cold Meat Platter]

You literally wank yourself daft.

[touchingcloth]

You threw a child off of The Tate Modern...

An only child whose parents had just found out they had no spunk left.

[Earnest Sexpot]

1995, a tapestry composed of donor organs scammed from the NHS is unveiled at the Tate Modern, a shock, even the event organisers are stunned

Rumbles of horror and disgust grow throughout the gallery's visitors as the YBA responsible stands before his work, folding his arms, a sexual thrill gestates behind his glasses as he takes in the hurt of the crowd

Lips tight, his smug grin survives the repeated punches of a widower, crying with a frightened rage. The artist knows that security will take this man away, but he will live forever.

[Cuellar]

It's a "Cicero" or something isn't it?

Edit: yeah a "cicerone"

Isn't that a man that cucks you

edit: no that's a cicisbeo