DESOLATION_V.swf

[the midnight watch baboon]

Jonathan Teale buys tix to the new John Lewis Christmas ad

[touchingcloth]

As he begins to snip limbs of with a bone saw, Khashoggi's executioner dons headphones and cranks the volume on Yello's Oh Yeah. Left arm off *snip...snip-a-snip aaaa*

[Fishfinger]

Jonathan Teale buys tix to the new John Lewis Christmas ad

The new John Lewis ad is just a series of public decapitations against a snowy background. BUY THINGS.

[Fishfinger]

You scritch your stubble. Stuff under nails.

You scritch your beard. Actual detritus. Smell of ass.

You scritch your long facial growth. Gravel like from a cat-shat drive.

Your scritch jaw deep into the foliage. Bone crumbles and hangs. Smell like corpses in a ditch. Skull falls out.

Death by natural causes, they write.

The ensuing *Beards no!* campaign is not funded.

The carnage continues.

[Fishfinger]

Are smothered toddlers red bin or green?

[touchingcloth]

Are smothered toddlers red bin or green?

So delicious there's nothing left to put in bin so I just shit them out of my arse into bog grave.

[Fishfinger]

So delicious there's nothing left to put in bin so I just shit them out of my arse into bog grave.

Thanks, yeah, forgot about grey bin.

[touchingcloth]

Your father becomes a ghost solely to call you a disappointment and an accident.

[touchingcloth]

After your lactose intolerance is diagnosed, you try swapping cheese for smegma.

[batwings]

You end up sitting through a Desmonds marathon at Peter's because saying no would have strained the only friendship you have left. 71 episodes.

You can't wait to get home from a hard day's work at the abbatoir to call Chloe on Babestation and have one of your long heart-to-heart chats about your schooldays.

[NJ Uncut]

"I'm calling about your recent accident...."

Just like that, Cupid's arrow, bigtime.

[Lordofthefiles]

Tommy Robinson is released from custody.

[poo]

A knob goes in but never comes out

[poo]

A knob stays out and never goes in

[NJ Uncut]

You call your dog Loans

[touchingcloth]

You check out the referrals on your personal website and notice that some people on a forum are insulting you, so you create an account to give them a piece of your mind.

[petril]

ITV launch a new channel: Jobfinder Gold

[NJ Uncut]

You share a cubicle with a chemotherapy truther and boy he's garrulous

And today he did Borat

[PlanktonSideburns]

'sorry, did you just say pinter-esque?'

no, i said pinterest



i mostly just to podcasts these days, says a now semi-professional marimba player, with a face that looks like its just shat its self

[NJ Uncut]

You gaze around at all the crowd, and all you see is atrophy

Well, should be an interesting wedding DJ set. You dig out "Keep on Movin'" by Five. That'll see you through.

[NJ Uncut]

A thread about the best Beatles album of music is started by Biggytitbo, who freakishly claims to even enjoy it - even willing to describe the contents to an uncanny degree. It is a macabre charade.

[NJ Uncut]

You finally spill your milk to Grave of the Fireflies, much the the disgust of the assembly. "This is no nativity," the deputy shouts

[NJ Uncut]

Countless generations of successive couples procreate for almost millenia and what it all ends up with is you.

[NJ Uncut]

You log into Facebook.

[derek stitt]

An O.A.P. is only sexually attracted to child molesters.

At a throw a key in a fish bowl sex party you pull out the key to a tin of corned beef.

Richard Burtons cockney accent in the film, Villain.

Actually being awake at four in the morning watching YouTube videos called, Comparing tinned meats.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A blind car crash victim's smashed nose is replaced with a parsnip 

[touchingcloth]

Your dad, but he's made of battered fannies.

[dex]

A driving lesson ends short and terribly when a horny teenager misconstrues what a Dutch Reach is.

[NJ Uncut]

You hurry past the sad row of the derelict toothless vagabond women, their faces ruddy and eyes clouded, clothes just really rags, all the while ignoring the offer of "Any two for a quid"

[BlodwynPig]

The Hairy Bikers: Across The Sahara gets less than 10 viewers across the entire series. Days are gone.