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DESOLATION_V.swf

Started by PlanktonSideburns, January 25, 2019, 03:25:58 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

dex

A professional Minty from Eastenders lookalike manages to get himself a brass with some rare takings.

The brass is you.

Now c'aaaam 'ere!!!

Ferris

A botched appendectomy leaves a man breathing through his arse, for the rest of his life.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

"Funny Tinge" woman is seen eating pencil rubbers around the shag end of a skip

buttgammon

A new centrist party is launched. Nobody notices.

madhair60

Les Pretend comes out as trans and everyone just tells him to fuck off.

ToneLa

A promising young musician resigns herself to learning the chords for House of the Rising Sun, Wonderwall, and Karma Police

And she's right to, financially speaking.

PlanktonSideburns

Someone in work said to me

This afternoon is going to be fucking SPASTICATED

ToneLa

EU2 play a sell-out gig, peddling their Brexit-flavoured reinterpretations of the music of Ireland's favourite sons.

'With or Without EU' leaves not a dry eye in the Academy 2.

Their Bono keeps interjecting with unceasingly tiresome politics, if you can imagine

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on February 19, 2019, 05:21:30 PM
Someone in work said to me

This afternoon is going to be fucking SPASTICATED

It was actually 11.40 :(

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A dust mite informs its colleagues to go back to their constituencies and prepare for government.

ToneLa

His wife's come in; his son's come in; his daughter's come in; and his face has been kicked in; if only the cunt could shut up about his fucking illness

(not necessarily comedy)

Ferris


ToneLa

A lost maternity ward latex glove swells with ever-more diarrhea

Pingers

Your dad gets right in your face and, spittily sibilant, tells you he's "had more birds than there's been versions of iTunes".

Cuellar

A putative political party expects 'crazy amounts of blue tick support'

Jonathan, mouldering in his living room after a three-day bender (of which he was the only participant), remembers that he has forgotten to feed his captive. He staggers upstairs, the Bucky sloshing about up to his ears, and boots down the door to the spare bedroom. She's still there, taped to the headboard. It's been 5 years now. Knicked her on her way home from her job at Wilko. He lobs a deformed caramac at her, underarm.

'Bonhappletea' he slurs.

derek stitt

Your nan croquets you a sex doll and you throw a strop because the tits aren't big enough

batwings

A miscarriage support group never really gets going.

A hoarder suffocates under a collapsed arch of adult nappies, catering packs of Tetley Tea Bags, and Doctor Who magazines.

3am, Exeter high street: the ghost of a Michael Jackson impersonator moonwalks unseen across a zebra crossing.



BlodwynPig

Quote from: derek stitt on February 21, 2019, 12:19:48 PM
Your nan croquets you a sex doll and you throw a strop because the tits aren't big enough

croquets? Are you sure? Findus keepers.

popcorn

Drinking tap water from a mug.

PlanktonSideburns

Visibly exausted phillip schopheild lurches out of time machine into playground, finds little phillip and puts gun to his face

Look, this might seem CRAZY but

I understand Philip, just make it quick

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Phillip Schofield wakes up one day possessed by a determination to confess decades of predatory paedophilia to every living thing. He tells a wasp he's a fat old nonceohhurrhrur oh no god no

Ferris

Through an evanescent wormhole, the Morrissey of 1985 glances the Morrissey of 2019. He smiles and tucks into his asparagus.

''Brexit? BrexSHIT more like! ahhahahaaaa...''

ToneLa

A nonce's defence case representing himself begins with asking the jury if they've seen Inception

derek stitt

Quote from: BlodwynPig on February 21, 2019, 03:03:10 PM
croquets? Are you sure? Findus keepers.

Yeah, she knits with small poorly spelled parcels of deep fried mashed potato in breadcrumbs using upside down flamingoes as knitting needles.

Spud florets for nipples as well




Charles Babbage

The only lawyer you can afford wants to meet at the train station food court karaoke booth. His business card reads 'No Win No Fee, No Disclose HIV Status' You ask him why the last part is worth mentioning. He asks you what Robbie Williams song you want to do.

The Narnia x New Tricks fanfic is coming along nicely.

Cuntbeaks

In a Peterborough Toby Carvery, Linda Lusardi weeps into the runt of the Yorkshire Pudding litter.

"Newspapers aren't people, they aren't a substitute for friends". Well, what the fuck does she know, as he strokes the front page of last Monday's Metro.

A McCains French Fry down the piss hole until it disappears.

ToneLa

A middle-class person buys themselves a handsome new sofa, perhaps using those words, maybe from even DFS or House of Frasier or some shit, and finds a place on Twitter - an account, official or just some homegirls - to absolutely fucking validate that choice; meanwhile, out of sight, people die, starve, freeze, in the same city.

And knowing all this, it doesn't made the effectuated toss any less salubrious!! As if their cum isnae fucking rancid.