Main Menu

Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 08:31:39 PM

Login with username, password and session length

DESOLATION_V.swf

Started by PlanktonSideburns, January 25, 2019, 03:25:58 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Stoneage Dinosaurs

It's Saturday night as he makes his way to the indie clubnight in yet another solo attempt to get a shag. Brushing his mop of overgrown fur across his crag-ridden face he shuffles onto the dancefloor. Time to use his one perfectly honed pulling technique. He shuffles on the spot in a vaguely defined corner of the floor until the music changes to 'Panic' by the Smiths. He spots the pretty young student girl and moves in to capture his prey. He shuffles vaguely in her direction a few feet away, singing along to the words so she can see - she vaguely acknowledges his presence. As the chorus kicks in he changes the lyrics - "I want a BJ, I want a BJ, I want a BJ, I want a BJ, want a BJ want a BJ want a BJ"
He is unaware that the years of blunt force testicular trauma inflicted by this technique have rendered him sterile.

jenna appleseed

Quote from: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on December 06, 2019, 06:07:47 PM
"I want a BJ, I want a BJ, I want a BJ, I want a BJ, want a BJ want a BJ want a BJ"

Morrissey (&/or some kids of off that record) singing the above is my earworm now,
oh well at least it replaces Baby Shark.

In a future dystopian Britain, a political dissident is sentenced a life of solitary confinement with only the complete series of Brush Strokes for any form of entertainment.

rasta-spouse


An ancient Egyptian curse brings Bill Cosby's Fat Albert character to life.

Cuntbeaks

A child wakes on Christmas morning to the sound of a porno being made.

A child wakes on its birthday to attend the funeral of both parents

A child wakes on 13/12/2019 to a majority Tory government.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A child wakes up, but only in the digestive system, all others seem to have seized somewhat in the night and won't get going.

Spoon of Ploff

Derek Gemini's five year legal battle with the Guinness Book of Records ends in defeat. His 112 hour Cat Meme watching marathon will not be included in their next edition.

BlodwynPig

Your mother outlives your ability to obtain a meaningful erection

Ferris

Brian resolves to cease pooing.

pancreas

Hedgehog pork is added to the menu at the Waterside Inn.

Ferris


Shoulders?-Stomach!

The Diarrhoea of the Year 2019 Awards is, as per usual, gatecrashed at the last minute by a vile helix of projected squit while Dennis shouts 'it's still 2019, it is still 2019!'

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: BlodwynPig on December 09, 2019, 08:46:47 PM
Your mother outlives your ability to obtain a meaningful erection

Finally, she thinks. Respite.

the midnight watch baboon

A newsagent's daughter watches dad racing his hands against each other up the stairway of chocolate bars laid out in front of his counter. Righty wins 2 - 0.

touchingcloth

The doctor gives you the all-clear of Dog AIDS, but after your celebratory shit you spy blood in your stool.

Ferris

You log into your Instagram account and follow @coldplay

H-O-W-L


Shoulders?-Stomach!

A shut in goes to buy Hovis for the first time in months. You should see his face. 'I'm James Bond! I'm James Bond!!'

dex

You do a nonce a severe physical discourtesy, bashing him up and all that -but the elation and righteousness quickly turns to dispair because you then find out he isn't a nonce. #awkward

Nigel Farage pulls out of the way of a bus as you step out onto the road, saving your life. You now feel compelled to defend him as a good bloke for the rest of your life.

touchingcloth


the midnight watch baboon


the midnight watch baboon

An all caps Corbyn terrorist Photoshop on a favourite aunt's Facebook wall.

grassbath

An otherwise outwardly normal human, alone in your flat and often in a state of undress you are compelled to engage in bizarre jerking dances and make strange, loud, frightening yelps.

Cerys

The surgery was successful.  Maurice's face-wide port wine birthmark is now but a memory.  It is only after a night of celebratory drinking that he realises how much he misses it.  He reaches for the cheese grater and grits his teeth.

Ferris

Mark E. Smith's name is taken in vain.

dex

Chris Morris decides to fuck doing any more output.

Quote from: dex on December 12, 2019, 12:03:11 PM
Chris Morris decides to fuck doing any more output.


Chris Morris unexpectedly comes out as a Brexit party supporter, is seen in an olde country pub drinking Greene King IPA from a panelled glass with Nigel Farage and the bloke Farage saved from being run over by a bus.

Bazooka

Peter tries to suffocate his wife with a strawberry flan every night, she just eats it everytime.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: dex on December 12, 2019, 12:03:11 PM
Chris Morris decides to fuck doing any more output.

Basically already the case