DESOLATION_V.swf

[H-O-W-L]

Access Day Dad sat two car lengths down blaring the Halloween theme on cassette while watching for the street Nigel's new Lexus turns down.

Soon.

[Pingers]

In a desperate bid to be noticed, Piers Morgan sets himself alight and puts the video on Twitter. 1.2k views.

[Fishfinger]

Trump walks on to 'Killing an Arab.'

[Fishfinger]

Burping after a bacon sarny and then 8 hours power-hosing 'born sleepers' into a drain.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A polyp speckled cunt sees you and walks over, lowering his face to your seating position. Through a hot air dryer of fag Ash and race hate he guffs:

'Looks like we'll be sending those Somalians back to pakiland soon eh son ahahahahahahagru mmfmffgfhfhf hfhahahahahaha hahahahaha a ahahahahahaha Hahahaha ahahahaha a Hahahahahahahahaha hahaha (still directly next to your face at this point) ahahahahahaha ha ahahahahahaha haha gfhdhdgdhdcoughcough a Hahahahahahahahaha ahahahahahaha Hahahaha ahahahahahaha Hahahahahahahahaha hahaha haaaarrrrrrrrgg haarrrrrrrrrrrgggggg harrrrrrrrgggggh harrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhh harrrrrrrggghhhhhhh hhhhhhhgaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh'

Tragically, you remain conscious throughout.

[Cerys]

Gervais.  Undead.  Fapping.  Forever.

[pancreas]

You start to wonder why all your friends keep dying so young but then you remember that you are the virus Hepatitis B.

[touchingcloth]

ahahahahahahagru mmfmffgfhfhf hfhahahahahaha hahahahaha a ahahahahahaha Hahahaha ahahahaha a Hahahahahahahahaha hahaha wonder who got the power pack ahahahahahaha ha ahahahahahaha haha gfhdhdgdhdcoughcough a Hahahahahahahahaha ahahahahahaha Hahahaha ahahahahahaha Hahahahahahahahaha hahaha haaaarrrrrrrrgg haarrrrrrrrrrrgggggg harrrrrrrrgggggh harrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhh harrrrrrrggghhhhhhh hhhhhhhgaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh news

[Cerys]

A woodlouse expires of cultural ennui.

[buttgammon]

You are condemned to spend eternity in Hell, where Roger Scruton immediately sees a kindred spirit and lectures you on how the Pet Shop Boys are 'bum boys' who don't even play their own instruments, no matter what the court said. He won't go away, ever.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You start to wonder why all your friends keep dying so young but then you remember that you are the virus Hepatitis B.

That's pretty good

[petril]

the only available best man for your wedding is the nWo Sting

[the midnight watch baboon]

An amnesiac is slow handclapped by her dying son as she searches the bullrushes for his epi pen.

[idunnosomename]

You look into your anus and see your first day at school.

[Cuellar]

A rapist's funeral attended by literally hundreds of well-wishers. "I fucking loved that guy," sobs one.

[Cuntbeaks]

A mixed race student with pink hair desperately tries to become a lesbian so she can "fit in". She grimaces as she laps at another set of pish flaps.

A cold sore takes up permanent residence on a libranians upper lip.

A miscarriage is mopped up with single-ply toilet paper.

[Cerys]

Could have been worse.  Could have been a sheet of greaseproof paper from a takeaway pizza box.

[shoulders]

Your pall bearers Mr Oizo and DJ Otzi stop to try and grab a five pound note. Your casket clanks to the floor and everyone attending (3 in total) sees your dead limbs.

[the midnight watch baboon]

You spike your own drink with a 2014 vintgage pineapple-flavoured urinal cake.

[touchingcloth]

You spend an hour trying to add your mum to your work Slack, but after failing you settle for CCing her into all of your work emails instead.

[DoesNotFollow]

A fallow buck annihilated on a country road. Its last words to the concerned but utterly helpless motorist responsible: "Get Brexit do..."

[shoulders]

You propose in the lift at Manchester Airport.

[Ian Drunken Smurf]

Do you have an opinion on this story? Join the debate on our CoventryLive Crime Facebook group.

[pancreas]

Patricia Routledge calls up PC World because she can't get porn out of the gramophone any more.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your anus and you 'have words'

[DoesNotFollow]

The single unused condom in your wallet has been there so long it has expired, perished, come full circle, and is now reconstituted and back in date.

[Pingers]

You crane your neck to see what it is your GP is writing on their pad: "Bollocks are manky"

[Cerys]

Lembit Opik farts himself to death on Valentine's Day.

[Pingers]

At your regular pub you have a pewter tankard with a completely accurate representation of your cock and balls engraved on it

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Tabatha consults her gemstone diary to find out what mineral energy will be dominant over her next menstrual cycle. Dog turds.