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DESOLATION_V.swf

Started by PlanktonSideburns, January 25, 2019, 03:25:58 PM

Previous topic - Next topic
Alan's dog shite and paper mache son is heralded as a new messiah.


dex

A moment of catharsis and cognitive dissonance during a local council meeting where a legacy donation will be available only if a street is named after a deceased nonce.

madhair60

A boot develops a meaningful perspective right before it's trodden into dog shit.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A deceased nonce who was diseased once is bequeathed a bronze sconce by a displaced ponce.

madhair60

Garance Pontins blows out the candles on his birthday cake in full knowledge that they're connected to his life support machine. It is not his birthday.

madhair60

Garance Pontins screams "time thump" and punches his mother in the womb as hard as possible, causing his own retroactive abortion. Sadly, his mother's backup pregnancy leads to the birth of a significantly more retarded child.

madhair60

Garance Pontins has the word "dissapointment" tattooed on the inside of each of his eyelids.

batwings

A nonce stays in a loveless marriage. For the kids.

Having a moment of clarity during a bottle-wank on a bridge, watching Police divers search the river.

Gregory Torso

A shitbeard cyclist with a kingfisher tattooed on his shoulder and a gnarled walnut brain bursting with delicious tweets and hashtag burns is burst like a frog under the wheels of an emergency snow plough.

Paul Whitehouse desperately whores his Only Fools And Horses musical on The One Show to the pity of the man who voices a plastic Batman.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A nonce stays in a loveless marriage, for the lols and free eczema cream

madhair60

Garance Pontins digs his finger into his bellybutton and accidentally "ejects" his penis

"This guff may contain nuts HAHAHAHAHAHA"

Little Timmy's peanut allergy attacks him from the lungs outwards.

Chollis

As he approaches the grave, an overzealous pallbearer tries to "put some stank on it", but his knees buckle and Nana's fermented carcass is catapulted high into the air. The bloated cadaver splatters on impact, coating the congregation in all sorts of shit-smelling gunk and goo.

madhair60

#44
Riley Hawk sadly kickflips his father's grave.

Russell Grant's strict policy of "one for me, one for you" means he's not invited back to help at the food bank.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

An "absolyoot ballicks" is shown his entire history of shits.

BlodwynPig

You realise all the entries in the fifth desolation thread mirror exactly those in the first, but they are no longer funny and you close the Internet Explorer tab...forever.

Gregory Torso

Quote from: BlodwynPig on January 31, 2019, 02:11:53 PM
You realise all the entries in the fifth desolation thread mirror exactly those in the first, but they are no longer funny and you close the Internet Explorer tab...forever.

Same, except Firefox.

Desolately you read through the GUFFAW thread and find nothing there either. The vast grey emptiness of the last year spent posting on CaB.

You try to summon the energy for one last, almighty flounce post.

Fart.

BlodwynPig

It's 3 in the morning, back on CaB, frantically looking for mirthsome jollies to reignite the creative fires inside you. A burglar surprises you and you bludgeon him to death. A warmth is felt deep in the belly.

Under instruction from his elderly father, Mike pisses into his mum's urn, gives it all a good shake and downs it in one. "So you'll write me back into your will now?" he gags. Derek tuts and goes back to his Sunday Telegraph.

BlodwynPig

"I'm not going back on there, I'm not going to post another thing"

"You must! You will!"

"Oh, if you insist"

"This is not good enough! Prepare to die!"

(actually happening no


BlodwynPig

"I don't even see you, not a thing, can't see you, no nothing, mate"

"You're not looking"

"I'm staring right at you"

"How do you know if you can't see me?"

"Smell"

"Get over yourself, just look at it...LOOK AT IT!!"

"Ok Madhair, you win - oh! it's the last four desolation threads"

*waddles away screaming that he'll never come back*

Cuntbeaks

"Bury him in the suit he went tay fucking court in"

"Yer Maw's a whore, just lit yer Da"

"Ye better get tay fuck pal or I'll choke yer dug"

Ferris

Quote from: Cuntbeaks on January 31, 2019, 08:45:11 PM
"Bury him in the suit he went tay fucking court in"

"Yer Maw's a whore, just lit yer Da"

"Ye better get tay fuck pal or I'll choke yer dug"

"Breaktime at Greenock Primary School"

petril

"and there's an exciting afternoon of sport ahead of us now on BBC1 with Grandstand, presented by Dougie Donnelly"

petril

l shat on an industrial scale that week

Cuntbeaks


dex

Quote from: petrilTanaka on February 01, 2019, 12:04:56 AM
l shat on an industrial scale that week

Factory caretaker shakes his head and mutters.