DESOLATION_V.swf

[Berthas Fat Leg]

They said she couldn't do it.

And they were right.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Lawrence puts a lorry on his larynx. Dead

[Dex Sawash]

Notification from Ultraviolet that they are closing and migrating library to alternative service. To save streaming film access, perform tedious multi step process.

You have successfully migrated your Ultraviolet account
Your library

1. Scott Pilgrim v the world

[ToneLa]

You have a message from Universal Credit.

They have a job interview arranged for you. You leap with joy! You might actually get away from fucking Universal Credit!

You open their shitty website and look in your journal. And you see the job title

Benefits Advisor - Hull Job Centre.
You will be advising claimants how to adhere to Universal Credit and sanction them for transgressions.

[Rocket Surgery]

A cretin can't find the 'Stupidest Video That's Ever Made You Laugh' thread.

And that's only the second most-crap thing that's happened this morning. (By a gnat's chuff.)

[ToneLa]

A grandmother gets a complimentary pen after her first course of chemotherapy

[ToneLa]

Heavies come roond and take yir very thumbs. That student loan is a bastard right enough

[Ferris]

The proto-civilization after the apocalypse finds your copy of Hex Enduction Hour amongst the rubble and uses it to wipe each other's arses.

[Ferris]

A helpless infant is given the name "Byron"

[Ferris]

You stay up 26 hours in a row for no good reason.

[Ferris]

A tinfoil prophylactic.

[ToneLa]

A Google Fit notification on my blower says Wow, Amazing! You've doubled your highest ever score!

Only put the bins oot

[ToneLa]

"He's left me, Dan. Oh, I'm sorry to drop in on you like this; I don't even know how to tell Mum and Dad. He's ruined everything. Took the kids. I'm too sick to even go into work. I'm not eating. God, everything is fucked. I am completely and utterly fucked."

"...That's what she said!"

"Can you please stop it?"

"That's what she said!"

"If you say that one more time I'm going to kill myself. I just.. I just can't stand to take pain inside me any longer"

"................. Thus quoth the lady."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A murder mystery weekend organised by Brechin City FC is cancelled due to lack of interest

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A plaque is rendered and fitted to the bus stop where the band Hard-Fi was formed.

[Pingers]

Brexit: The Boardgame

[ToneLa]

A young man Facebooks his suicide note, giving it the last of himself - his agonies, his losses, all he has known and all he wished he could know. Sated, knowing he has left it all on the virtual page, he runs the bath where he will do the deed. Goodbye, cruel world, soon I will be beyond your horrible reach.

His bath takes ages though, as baths do. So he goes back to the computer. What's this?

It's gone fucking viral! Curiosity gets the better of him: maybe someone can stop me. Maybe someone can save me.

Maybe I'm wrong and the world is good after all, and people really do care.

Chatting fucking wham mate
Hahaha get on with it ur lame and gay
LMAO I'd kill myself too if I was you
lol triggered snowflake get back in ur safespace
No wonder it was unrequited

[ToneLa]

Ye pick oot a coffin for yir ma, and the only one you can afford is lined with old copies of the Daily Express

[ToneLa]

Not only does your jaw lock doing deep-throat, but your back has locked as well, keeping you in position, but arseholes can't lock and more's the pity as your shitter erupts with diarrhea over yir wilting prick and into yir open gaping mouth

In a dressing room in Debenhams.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Hard-Fi birthday cake

[Cuntbeaks]

A 4hr, 128Kbps Trance/Hardcore mix played on a Sansui Mini HiFi, in a caravan, in Bridlington.

[a duncandisorderly]

You stay up 26 hours in a row for no good reason.

often. no, really.

[Gregory Torso]

A sparrow lays an egg into a dead tramp's mouth.

A child is graded "insurmountable" by Ofsted.

Sandra the monotreme trundles her mobility pedalo through the street, its flippers can barely spin for clog shit and adoption papers.

Another child throws a fork at a sleepy owl.

[Gregory Torso]

A recurring dream of a tiny Tina Turner in open crotch dungarees gyrating on a great big angus steak.

Two hog farmers duel with their chancrous cocks out in the main road for the attentions of Kirsty Young.

A shoe full of yellow milk.

[Gregory Torso]

Yer ma hammers the gardener whilst yer da talks shite to mr. cat in the pantry. Go catche mice, mr cat, says yer feckin da. tryn ta feed it cheesy wotsits like the quoit he is.

A silvery woodpeckit bird chewin at the prize tree. "ye cunt, ah jist pruned that cunt" says yer gardener, throwing trowel at bird. "feckin woodpeckit." Then a squirrel come wiping its arse all down the varnished teak tree like a tit-sick mewling baby. "Ah feckin hate nature!" screams gardener.

He pisses on the tree. The tree is ashamed at the frisson of pleasure that corkscrews up its hundred ring inner body.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The pH level of some mineral water proves the catalyst of a bloody global conflict

[Gregory Torso]

A shitty moth wafts bulbwards.

[The Poison Dwarf]

Your nan's signed copy of Sinderella live is the only thing to survive the fire.

[pancreas]

A sparrow lays an egg into a dead tramp's mouth.

All good, but this especially feels like Mozartian desolation.

[Ferris]

Crinkle cut chips at the wake so it's not been a complete washout