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DESOLATION_V.swf

Started by PlanktonSideburns, January 25, 2019, 03:25:58 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

A Rod Hull and Emu tribute act bombs in Cheadle's worst pub.

The Bumlord

Your mum peers out from the bathroom, winks and asks you if you're 'up for wiping'.

touchingcloth

A recycling-obsessed alcoholic steams the labels off every bottle of vodka he finishes and believes his family haven't noticed.

Bazooka

A milkman with extreme bone deficiency, has been consuming every bottle of milk he delivers, and replacing the contents with a mix of Tipex and water.

Glebe

Quote from: Bazooka on April 25, 2019, 06:18:37 AM
A milkman with extreme bone deficiency, has been consuming every bottle of milk he delivers, and replacing the contents with a mix of Tipex and water.

Heh!

derek stitt

The recycling bin for sex dolls at the local tip has been burgled again.

Hey, Punk!

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on April 24, 2019, 11:00:26 PM
A time capsule from 1919 is eagerly opened by local children, but contains only visceral racist invective and a nasty bout of polio.

Funcrusher arrives to inform you that they were products of their time.

BlodwynPig

"Good evening" you say.

It is morning.

Bazooka

#548
During the mad rush to get off the plane,a man's whicker basket cascades into the aisle filled with 16 copies of The 50  Shades of Grey.


Gregory Torso

Michael Portillo crawls under the covers of a childs bunk bed in a display at Benson's For Beds, in Bedforshire. He wriggles around, nesting, and when staff try to remove him he begins to scream-chant "Sleepy time! Sleepy time!" over and over.

the midnight watch baboon

No one laughs at dad's breakfast stegosaurus anymore - a soggy Weetabix with a number of cornflakes stuck along its spine. It's just not so funny since the babysitter's suicide.

Bazooka

A single tampon in the middle of the M52 causes all roads and bridleways in the UK to close for a fortnight.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Stop hanging your cum off trees

BlodwynPig

Daniel practises his chat-up lines in the mirror

"13?! You could easily pass for 9"

Glebe

"Look, Mark! I've turned into a giant pear!"

Kermode can hardly believe his eyes, as he gazes upon the giant, wobbly fruit with Simon Mayo's head atop.

Hey, Punk!

Quote from: Glebe on April 26, 2019, 04:18:39 AM
"Look, Mark! I've turned into a giant pear!"

Kermode can hardly believe his eyes, as he gazes upon the giant, wobbly fruit with Simon Mayo's head atop.

On his toilet, the smell of farts just reaching his nose: the good doctor thinks of The Exorcist for the 5th time that day. He smiles and poos.

Glebe

Chris De Burgh makes a boiled egg in an abandoned fortress.

petril

new Viz strip Eight-Out-Of-Ten Cunts Give Cats Down's lasts one issue due to arguments over which celebrities are 9 and 10 and thus ineligible.

the adverts pages either side are funnier

Bazooka

A sachet of sage and onion stuffing creates the biggest bond between a vomit soaked reveller and taxi driver the world has ever seen.

Bazooka

An innovative digital watch designer is run out of town by a mob of sundial tycoons.

Glebe

A Hovis loaf melts in a shop window in Lancs.

PlanktonSideburns


pancreas


Glebe

"Johnny shall have a new master," smirks Michael Portillo, as he hires another gardener on the cheap.

You are awoken at 4:00AM on a frosty Monday morning, naked, and trapped within a Victorian workhouse, where you are made to work day and night for a cold bowl of gruel of an evening, while Peter Greenaway looks in a broken window and laughs at you.

Ferris

https://www.celebvm.com/search?cate=UK%20Trending

John "Boycie" Challis for 30 quid. Keith from the Office for 20. Derek Acorah to split the difference at 25 notes a go.

Edit: fucking hell there's a David Brent lookalike for 30. Imagine paying to hear a voicemail from someone who looks a bit like Ricky Gervais (at a distance). Brutal stuff.

Bazooka

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on April 29, 2019, 12:56:52 AM
https://www.celebvm.com/search?cate=UK%20Trending

John "Boycie" Challis for 30 quid. Keith from the Office for 20. Derek Acorah to split the difference at 25 notes a go.

Edit: fucking hell there's a David Brent lookalike for 30. Imagine paying to hear a voicemail from someone who looks a bit like Ricky Gervais (at a distance). Brutal stuff.

The US service has porn star Lisa Ann on there, so you can wank to it, or the same to one of the Power Rangers.

Ancient mounds or barrows despite archeologists claims about burials, were in fact constructed purely for wanking purposes. Colloquially referred to by their constructors as 'Wank Humps.

Shoulders?-Stomach!


Glebe

Jamie Oliver calls people who eat well "The Pukka People."