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March 29, 2024, 12:21:31 PM

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DESOLATION_V.swf

Started by PlanktonSideburns, January 25, 2019, 03:25:58 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

pancreas

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 29, 2019, 07:29:43 AM
Kinder

Ffs

Sorry—I'm clearly off the boil. You shouldn't have to come in and sort out my posts like this.

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: Glebe on April 29, 2019, 08:00:53 AM
Jamie Oliver calls people who eat well "The Pukka People."

KIN ELL thats a bit strong

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: Bazooka on April 27, 2019, 09:01:30 PM
An innovative digital watch designer is run out of town by a mob of sundial tycoons.

Fabulous

petril


Glebe

Anne Robinson shoves a cabbage in your gob and legs it!

Bazooka

An earthworm scams an elderly couple out of £1,200 for an unfinished driveway paving job.


Glebe

Sean Lock picks at a bruised apple in a Safeways in Dudley. The checkout girl doesn't recognize him, much to his (private) annoyance.

derek stitt

Spending your last five grand on satellite internet equipment to introduce Mongolian nomads to scat porn.

the midnight watch baboon

Car drivers just pile out their silver hatchbacks and like, start gorging on the fallen lollipop lady, don't care her crushed ligaments, roads turned red yummy yum yums

Glebe

Harold spends a year collecting and carefully arranging chocolate bar wrappers into a neat and comprehensive library. He collates data on each bar, but ultimately he goes mental and throws himself into the Tyne.

Bazooka

A security personnel at Doncaster airport doesn't flag up a Gregg's steak slice going through the scanner, causing all planes to plummet to earth.

Ferris

You try gardening but get all muddy and the daffodils nonce you up.

Glebe

Jon Culshaw burns a piece of toast and starts crying. It's not the toast, it's just the general ennui of existence. It's alright, Jon, chin up.

Ferris

Speedy Gonzales is implicated in Operation Yewtree.

Glebe

Sam Allardyce sighs mournfully as he realises his Tunnocks Tea Cake is stale.

Norton Canes

An abject data analyst watches a finger of spume inch it way inexorably towards the shower overflow

Cuellar

Have you been watching me again

Glebe

Baz Bamigboye spends the afternoon chucking Farley's Rusks into a pond.

Russell Grant blitzes a bag of popcorn, a bag of cheesy Doritos, a bag of Starburst, five frankfurters and a litre of Tango in a blender and decants it into his Camelbak to get around "draconian cinema snack rules".

Chollis


Glebe

Stale onions whiff up an already-depressing Tesco in Hove.

Glebe

"Sooty, you have been convicted by twelve good persons and true of patricide. Matthew Corbett raised you, Sweep and Sue from small puppets as a single parent, never once considering himself in pursuing his responsibilities as a parent to you three. Yet you showed feckless regard for the life of the James Hetfield-look alike, stabbing him 123 times with the Izzy Wizzy wand. Thus, I have no hesitation in handing out a sentence of 35 years. Have you anything left to say in your defence?"

"SQUEAK!"

"Take him down."

Glebe

Richard Dawkins on Twitter: Really enjoying Ricky Gervais' new show, big improvement on Derek #abortandstartagain

A thirsty Berber gets told do one by a pack of grumpy camels at the only oasis for 100km.

A thirsty Barber gets told to jog on by a pack of shiny shoe wankers at a shite bar.

A flirty Barbera gets told to eff off by the handsome uber eats driver, her mcd's fries are now cold and floppy.

A fur tree gets made into paper that's used as newsprint to explain why the deforestation of it's ancient home is necessary for the local economy.

A tightrope walker fails to walk in a straight line after getting pulled by the rozzers. Ends up banned from the circus for life, the elephants shed tears.

A lucid dream goes awry when you decide to try and have a wank but your willy becomes and indistinguishable blurry shape that you can't quite grasp. Then you realise you're actually awake!

A trip to the astral plain ends in a imbroglio with an ancient ancestor who calls you a shitcunt.

Glebe

You buy a Big Issue off a guy in the street, but when the bloke goes to give you change, you go, "Nah, listen, it's only a fiver!"

"Oh, cheers mate. Have a great day!"

You walk off feeling cheered, but ten minutes later you check your wallet and realise... that wasn't a fiver, it was a fifty pound note! You make your way back to where the guy was, but cannot find him... quick scoot around, nah... he's gone!

"FUCKING BIG ISSUE FUCKER, ROBBIN' ME BLIND! I DIDN'T EVEN TAKE THE FUCKING MAGAZINE! I HATE THE FUCKING MAGAZINE! I'LL NEVER SHOW AN OUNCE OF HUMAN KINDNESS AGAIN!"

"Here mate, glad you came back, I couldn't find you... £45 change."

Everyone is staring at you.

Ferris

Due to a CD mixup at the funeral home, nan is lowered into her final resting place while Crazy Frog plays softly in the background.

dex

Your breakfast is served to you on a shovel. Its manure.

PlanktonSideburns