DESOLATION_V.swf

[Glebe]

You sit watching the news for 24 hours.

[Bazooka]

Whilst metal detecting for old cans of Lilt, a Lowestoft man discovers a new species of humanoid in a cave, they are malnourished, but he takes them in as they have extremely large genitalia. What was left of his body in his Lowestoft bungalow, police called "the biggest pain in the arse case they have ever to deal with".

[Glebe]

Whilst metal detecting for old cans of Lilt

That's just funny deso in itself!

Nicholas Lyndhurst is taking a family getaway break in Tunisia when he is waylaid by Jim from Suffolk, a rabid The Piglet Files fan. "I know it's one of your lesser-known works, but it's a favourite of mine!" Lyndhurst smiles and says thank you before moving off. Back home, Jim tells the neighbours over a coffee that "Lyndhurst was brusque, rude. He barely acknowledged me and seemed snobbish, distant. I shan't be watching anything he does in future."

[Glebe]

Homemade scrumpy. Wild at Heart marathon.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A golf caddy constructs a Fort made of bogeys in his imagination. It withstands the 1585 siege of Bogeys and even the 1602 fire of Bogeys and th-HAROLD... HAROLD ARE YOU FUCKING PAYING ATTENTION OR WHAT

Back to real life, then. In Hull.

[Ferris]

A reggae version of Toploader's Dancing in the Moonlight*

_{*genuinely heard this while out shopping today}

[Bazooka]

A vacuum cleaner repair man spends the best part of 34 years making a stop motion animation with all the dust he has collected, finished, his wife records over the only version with an episode of Homes Under the Hammer.

[The Poison Dwarf]

A man yells 'BENDER!' so loud he makes himself deaf.

[pancreas]

A man yells 'BENDER!' so loud he makes himself deaf.

That's excellent.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

When I buy my barge, things will be different. O', they will be different alright, swears Darren.

The barge arrives. Darren now shits in the barge instead of down a toilet. Promise delivered.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

John Virgo done all a bad urine up on his sen

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Bavis Bungaloon takes a condemned medicine ball to the testicles. Then a truncheon to the gut. Finally, finally, he cums.

[Gregory Torso]

John Craven slides down a stony hillside on his front in agonised silence, helped by neither man nor beast.

[Gregory Torso]

A cabal of shiny dads meet in a library to discuss neighbourhood diddlers.

[Gregory Torso]

A "polis dug" bites a "Ned" in "Scotland".

[Glebe]

International bestseller The Man Who Pulled His Trousers Down and Took a Dump in the Thames by JR Hartley is available now priced £1.49 from better branches of Poundstretcher.

[Bazooka]

Barn Dance night at the village hall is cancelled due to an infestation of Moira Stewarts.

[Glebe]

Queen's John Deacon squeezes an apple to try and get homemade apple juice.

[petril]

today's plan:

• 1030: Up early. Champion's breakfast of Irn Bru dregs with a side of two Windsor Blue menthol. It's a luxury day after all
• 1105: Sign on. Be there 11, complain when they're late and actually start your appointment at 1120. Time for casual banter with yon CQ wi' the Republican tattoos
• 1140: Library time in the magazine aisle at Asda. New Viz today, yas.
• 1315: Window shopping, scowl at the local charity collectors, the one named after that woman not the one that's named after a disability. the second one's sound cunts
• 1400: Puggy scudding. Post lunch time rush, forecast says eleven quid megastreak off a six quid stake
• 1500: Home in time for the repeats channels daytime loop to start, possible daily arse scratch(save this for the evening, it's Tuesday, the telly'll be shite)
• 1620: key dietary appointment, Dr Oetker
• 1700: work time; bus tickets to be skillfully edited for another month

[Hey, Punk!]

Every day he moves his face a cm closer, she won't even notice the kiss.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Gwendaline rolls a plum over a slug.

She thinks it's Pak Choo, the fucking idiot.

I am the many-faced God.

[PlanktonSideburns]

WILLIAM listens to so much neneh cherry he goes into toxic shock

[Glebe]

Ricky Gervais wins the Richard Dawkins Award for Logic and Reason.

[Glebe]

Martin Plumbridge gentle smoothes a hedgehog's nadsack.

[Glebe]

Michael Portillo invites you over for coffee, but he serves up a stale flan and the coffee itself is horrible. Then he regales you with stories about Thatch and trains.

[Glebe]

"What's for afters?"

"Gone-off nutmeg."

[derek stitt]

Being forced to attemot the Hockey Cokey while in an iron lung.

[jenna appleseed]

A Lost Prophets cd is found lurking in a box of mouldy videos.

[Glebe]

Malcolm of Sturridge spends half an hour trying to retrieve a Mint Imperial from the back of a betting shop fruity in Harrow. 58, he is. 58.

[jenna appleseed]

Squeezing out a poo while shoulder dancing to Harmony Hall by Vampire Weekend on your phone, and idly wondering if the 'crooked hands of the money lender' bit is antisemitic.

<pavlovian yelling at the point in the song>WICKED SNAKES

<worryingly relevant lyrics> I don't wanna live like this, but I don't wanna die.