Author Topic: DESOLATION_V.swf  (Read 42262 times)

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1290 on: August 19, 2019, 12:56:21 AM »
Neil Diamond tribute act in the upstairs room of a pub near Boldmere. Doesn’t get paid, does it for the love of the game. Your parents separately tell you what a wonderful time they had at the show.

Cuellar

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1291 on: August 19, 2019, 02:06:32 PM »
Getting jealous of the Manson Family's active social lives

Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1292 on: August 19, 2019, 03:48:44 PM »
Going after you dad down the NHS glory hole.

touchingcloth

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1293 on: August 19, 2019, 06:26:30 PM »
Neil Diamond tribute act in the upstairs room of a pub near Boldmere. Doesn’t get paid, does it for the love of the game. Your parents separately tell you what a wonderful time they had at the show.

I went to a bar with a karaoke machine in Albufeira once. There was only one person doing karaoke, and every song he did was Neil Diamond.

For some cracking bangs I went up to him with the list of songs and pointed out one that he might like to try - MC Hammer, U Can't Touch This. He looked at me like I was daft, screwed up his face and said "I'm not some sort of black rapper from America".

Forever in deso.

petrilTanaka

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1294 on: August 19, 2019, 11:17:17 PM »
John's video will is delivered in rap form

touchingcloth

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1295 on: August 19, 2019, 11:33:21 PM »
Who's video Will? Smith?

the midnight watch baboon

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1296 on: August 19, 2019, 11:35:50 PM »
A 'Zookeeper for a day' accidentally shoots a 'Trapped tiger for its life' in the ear.

pancreas

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1297 on: August 19, 2019, 11:48:15 PM »
A Waitrose is burnt in order to 'Make Ashford Great Again'.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1298 on: August 19, 2019, 11:56:49 PM »
The autopsy report just lists the cause of death as “latex”

petrilTanaka

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1299 on: August 20, 2019, 12:29:09 AM »
the sky isn't blue and you realise there are things you can do using scissors and glue

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1300 on: August 20, 2019, 09:23:56 AM »
After being declared insolvent '' as fuck '' Gavin spends his last tenner on loads of solvents.

petrilTanaka

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1301 on: August 20, 2019, 11:58:54 AM »
he was buried in a full knock off Celtic strip

touchingcloth

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1302 on: August 20, 2019, 02:25:15 PM »
The year is 1998 and the time is just gone 4AM. Morris attempts a wank in his rank Gdansk hostel's communal lounge with the VHS collection and achieves an orgasm over Scindler's List while trying not to think about what it means that someone has used a biro to scribble out the word "list" and replace it with "Juden haha".

the midnight watch baboon

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1303 on: August 20, 2019, 08:39:46 PM »
Text STOP to 87799


petrilTanaka

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1304 on: August 20, 2019, 10:06:54 PM »
Paul attempts to turn one pub vent about a shite customer at work into a lengthy blog and viral status. It works for about a month but he still has to claim Universal Credit

H-O-W-L

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1305 on: August 20, 2019, 10:07:01 PM »
"Justice!" in Buzz Aldrin drawl...

Yuuuzzztteezzz.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1306 on: August 20, 2019, 10:31:02 PM »
Bad news, it's aggressive format AIDS

"But...but I killed that with the 5 year long course of anti-retrovirals and gene therapy?"

No there was an error. A big error. Involving you.

touchingcloth

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1307 on: August 20, 2019, 10:53:36 PM »

Twit 2

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1308 on: August 20, 2019, 11:07:26 PM »
Your boss is a woodlouse and when you have a performance review he sticks beer cans up his arse and shouts at women.

It’s raining in your heart, mind and soul and there’s no hope of an umbrella, not ever.

Contemplating the white space on the page around the poem, how the poem is drawn out of the silence around it, as clods of turds flop out of your diseased organs and get stuck in your belt.

Injecting yourself with Duxford.

Your mother sends you to Zurich on a course so she can fuck zebras all fucking week.

Your eulogy gets mistakenly swapped with a coroner’s report for a crushed child molester but no one notices and you’re not even dead, just punched into curtains and sat on.

Pontins employ you to regulate and enhance Dale Winton’s legacy and be a scarecrow.

10...9...8...7....6...5...4...3 no it’s not a rocket launch it’s how many fingers your children have because you’re pulling them off their hands and dropping them into an empty hula hoops bag.

You find the necklace that runs through the pearls. Shanti! Derek.



Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1309 on: August 20, 2019, 11:25:33 PM »
1, 3, 4, 5 and 7 in particular tickled me.

touchingcloth

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1310 on: August 20, 2019, 11:44:28 PM »
You meet your new roommate on your first day at university. He tells you he's a published author, and offers a cheaply bound thin text - clearly vanity published - text for you to read in your own time. You read the title: The Wanking Gizmo.

H-O-W-L

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1311 on: August 23, 2019, 02:52:12 AM »
 Rolf starts painting his own courtroom sketch. "Can you tell wot it is yet?" he says as the bailiffs encroach, drive-stun rods in hand.

petrilTanaka

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1312 on: August 23, 2019, 08:27:08 AM »
Rolf starts painting his own courtroom sketch. "Can you tell wot it is yet?" he says as the bailiffs encroach, drive-stun rods in hand.

the response, as ever, is "yes Rolf, it's a fucking outback landscape with the fence. again."

Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1313 on: August 24, 2019, 07:54:30 AM »
Sports Day, and the embarrassing child with backwards arms is aborted with cricket bats.

Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1314 on: August 24, 2019, 08:52:48 AM »
Sports Day, and the 'Sack Race' begins. They dangle in their itchy bags from the plastic gallows. It's Toby. Toby wins. Hurray. Always had a weak neck.

Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1315 on: August 24, 2019, 10:29:35 AM »
Dead in a train toilet. Just like your father, she says.

Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1316 on: August 24, 2019, 10:36:06 AM »
Traditional Sunday lunch. You don your Lidl gum shield and embark on the bricks in canal gravy.

Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1317 on: August 24, 2019, 10:41:33 AM »
Penzance, and due to cutbacks, umbilical cords are now severed by rats.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1318 on: August 24, 2019, 10:43:06 AM »
Traditional Sunday lunch. You don your Lidl gum shield and embark on the bricks in canal gravy.

Fucking fantastic

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: DESOLATION_V.swf
« Reply #1319 on: August 24, 2019, 10:49:55 AM »
The white noise in your head is just your dad and his buddies shouting "Gangsta" at each other.