Celebrities doing things in places.

[NJ Uncut]

Perhaps she did dwell here as the legends say, in this isolated house, now with black windows like eyeless sockets; starving herself with celebrity vim until she was corporeal no more, a mere wisp; her malign spirit kept in daytime abeyance yet quivering nightly through the deserted rooms, sometimes happenchance able to grip a vase or discarded shoe or picture frame showing the truly admirably dead and hurl it to the window, in some keen wrath of unsatiety.

You shiver as well you might. The boards on the door are sturdy and thick, yet curve somewhat outwards as if starting to buckle. As if not to prevent someone from getting in. As if to prevent Estella Warren from getting out. You notice then the knickknacks on the driveway, knowing they got there the way you feel: cast downwards. Somewhere, a whippoorwill wails.

The mind can play tricks on you, especially here in Little Musgrave (nr. Great Musgrave), but you know not the true conjuror. This dread is too oppressive, too ominous, too infinite for mere charade. Panic seizes you. You pedal fro, and do not look behind to see the naked, limbless doll defenestrated, its charred face a blank mask of inhumanity, its torso betraying the sobering imprint of where temporary teeth have bitten in. Does she hunger still?

[Glebe]

Peri Gilpin shoves a bunch of carrots into Kelsey Grammer's mailbox.

Tony Blackburn makes a shed out of wool in Barnsley.

It's in Leeds you'll find Common, composing a rap song out of yeast.

And lastly (for now!) we join Kylie Minogue in Bradford, for her annual weasel-baking competition!

[NJ Uncut]

In the Wheelwright Arms in Elton, you are utterly monstered by the dog of Elize Du Toit, who just laughs

[Glebe]

Rin Tin Tin puts his life savings on a dodgy nag in Hollywood in the old days.

Roger Cook barges into a drugs nest in Hadlow like it's 1988.

Mike Reid smears Nutella all over his fizzog and a dances through Maidstone singing "Way down upon de, Swanee Ribber..."

Alan Titchmarsh deletes a podcast that he knows he will never listen to on a bus journey through Bournemouth.

[NJ Uncut]

Elisha Cuthbert selling knock-off baccy in the bike shed by Gate 6 of Essar Oil, standing in a puddle of piss.

"So what if it's piss?" she challenges, staring you down, her knuckles turning white as she clutches the bag of Amber Leaf.

[Glebe]

Graeme Souness snuffs a rabbit with a shoehorn near Redhill.

Andi Peters slights Gordon the Gopher at a impromptu CBBC reunion in a pub in Wimbledon. Gopher takes it in his stride, but Phillip Schofield firmly reprimands Peters later in the toilets.

Jimmy Fallon crushes a dropped apricot beneath his shoe on Madison Avenue.

Indira Gandhi drives around 1970's Delhi on a moped, throwing Cadbury's Selection Boxes at deserving traffic police.

[Glebe]

Jon Richardson is delighted to discover a dusty old Star Wars Rancour Monster toy in his parents' attic in Lancs.

Ray Davies shoves a selection of penny chews into a postbox in Kent.

Sally Gunnell detonates a nuclear warhead in Brighton.

DUP leader Arlene Foster leaves a toilet in Stormont in a right old state after an ill-advised lunchtime curry. "There's a bit of a sit'chiation gon on in there, I've used the brush to the best of my abilities and left a window open, but I'd give it fifteen minutes all the same, so I would."

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Clint Eastwood wakes up in his beachfront Malibu home. His hand snakes out of the bed and retrieves yesterday's underpants from the bedroom floor. Giving them a good sniff and noting the absence of any skidmarks or piss stains, he decides that they'll do for another day.

[Glebe]

Richard Wilson hijacks a tractor in Romford and drives it to Butlins.

Stephen Graham grows a giant plum inside his new greenhouse in Bootle.

Larry David throws Tina Fey into Lake Geneva "for a laugh."

Tess Daly starts her new Zumba classes in Greenland.

[Glebe]

Robert De Niro buys a couple of discounted selection boxes on Christmas Day in a petrol station in Brooklyn on the way to visit relatives. "I'm sure they'll understand, best I could do at short notice!"

Huw Edwards goes into a WHSmith in Swansea to esquire about a particular partworks he is looking for. "It's last month's, couldn't find it anywhere but maybe you have it tucked away there? No? Ah, right then. Guess I'll just have to let it go. Sigh."

Natalie Merchant organizes a special 'Protest for Dolphins' in the middle of Times Square.

Michael Stipe composes a poem entitled 'Me, You, the Violin and the Harmonies of the Spirits' and reads it out to neighbours on his front lawn. "Give it a rest, Michael!" complains one bloke who's trying to have a nap across the street. "I work a night shift and I could do without the former lead singer of multi-million selling rock foursome REM droning on and on and keeping me awake of an afternoon! Oh, and the remix of Monster is shite."

[Glebe]

Dutch singer Anouk slams a grapefruit into a Telly Savalas waxwork at Madame Tussauds Amsterdam.

Bruno Tonioli is tuppence short of his fare from Camden Town to Islington. The bus driver lets him off, though. "You're that gay Itie off the dancing show, in't yah?"

Nigel Farage telephones Tommy Robinson and asks him can he come over and show him how to switch on his new DVD player at his maisonette in Kent.

Dick Van Dyke goes on a mad shopping spree around Bolton after winning five hundred quid on the gee-gees. "Forbidden Planet, Gamestop, HMV, you name it, I shopped in it!"

[Glebe]

David Dickenson again, this time weaving a magic spell to make cats stop doing their business on his front lawn.

Dennis Waterman finds an old VHS collection of Friends episodes under his granddaughter's old cot.

Maxine Peak goes for a jog around Outer Mongolia.

The Cheeky Girls stuff twelve pigeons into a discarded pizza box and ship it to Weymouth.

[Glebe]

Franz Oz bites into a Tesco sandwich in Hadlow. It tastes so horrible that he goes back into the Tesco Express and spits it in the shop assistant's face.

Howard Stern gets his mates to push him down a big hill in Manhattan in a shopping trolley.

Tonya Harding throws an ice skate at Alec Baldwin in a Chick-fil-A in Massachusetts.

Tony Iommi enjoys some Angel Delight on a raft in the Bering Sea.

[Glebe]

Roger McGough challenges a horse-chesnut tree to a duel in Suffolk, with the winner getting to ride a chaffinch to Harrow.

Pat Sharp makes a comeback thanks to some big-upping from Timmy Mallet, who goes into a pub in Croydon and screams, "Pat's back, and he's gonna be bigger than ever!"

Jodie Foster drives around Bern singing 'Banana Phone' at the top of her voice.

Davina McCall builds a conservatory all by herself in one day on her new property in Epping Forest.

[Glebe]

Jeremy Paxman starts his own cult near Pebble Mill.

David Byrne jumps onto moving drone and glides around New Hampshire for a day.

Ronda Rousey pushes a fat rabbit into a dustbin beside Dymchurch.

The ghost of Ronnie Hazlehurst is said to haunt the outer layers of West Bromwich of a Thursday.

[Glebe]

Julia McKenzie reenacts various scenes from both Fresh Fields and French Fields for a herd of cows in Guernsey.

Eric Idle does a day's community service in a marmalade factory in Stockon, Calafornia, after jumping a red light and squashing a squirrel.

Jane Fonda does a 3-minute workout on the steps of the Whitehouse in protest at the lack of hummus in her local Kmart.

James Cameron circumnavigates the skies above Tasmania on a hang-glider, tossing a variety of fruits down to lucky folk below!

[dr_christian_troy]

Danny Dyer downs a pint of cum at a Turkish bath near Victoria Station by mistake.

[Glebe]

James Blunt builds a hovercraft out of vegetables in Middlesbrough.

1968, Patrick Moore observing Venus through a kaleidascope, Corby.

Maya Rudolph wrecks a supermarket in downtown Georgia.

Tom Hiddleston swans around Asia selling dodgy cigarette lighters at an extortionate price.

[Glebe]

Roy Chubby Brown is invited to an Oxford University dinner to present his thesis, 'The Male Identity Crisis in the Early 21st Century'.

[Glebe]

Stephen Colbert explains the difference between the Noldor and Sindar elves to former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted in a Starbucks in New Jersey.

Peter Mandelson gets stuck up a drainpipe near Berlin.

Joan As Police Woman traps a beetle in a Styrofoam cup for a laugh in a shed in Perth.

Tania Bryer restyles herself as 'Tay-Bry' and launches a successful pop career beneath Lake Tahoe.

[Glebe]

PJ Harvey breaks a mandarin up into segments and shares them out to some geese in Hyde Park.

Alan Arkin goes around Glendale, Cal., smashing up golf carts.

Mel Gibson agonizes over whether or not to buy a Cadbury's Twirl for ten minutes in a newsagents in Lerwick.

Kate Humble up to her old tricks, turning Dunstable into a stamping ground for rabid ducklings.

[Glebe]

Iron Maiden bassist Steve Harris browses in a wool shop in Shropshire for 40-45 minutes.

Boris Johnson realizes he is a foul human being and must throw himself into the Thames. He does so, at Henley-on-Thames.

'Scream queen' Caroline Munro takes a particular interest in the Bird's Eye range of products during a Saturday morning sojourn to Sainsbury's, Minehead.

Opera singer Dame Kiri Te Kanawa shoves one hundred packets of Fruit Pastilles into Harry Styles' letterbox and legs it.

[Glebe]

In 1981, George 'Arthur Daley in Minder' Cole threw a selection of Tesco brand products at an escaped seal on the Edgware Road.

Nigel Kennedy enjoys a slap-up feast at a Berni Inn in Crewe in 1990.

Delia Smith slams a wallaby against a JCB for three years in Coventry.

Lucy Liu goes Tramadol-mental in Dresden.

[Glebe]

Scott Glenn inserts a cucumber into a vending machine in Reykjavik.

John Forgerty steals a dodgem car in Blackpool and goes riding around the North of England.

Trisha Goddard launches a new range of hair care products called 'Trisha's Smashing Hair Yolks!' in the Arndale Centre, Manchester.

Joan Collins shoots herself out of a cannon in Toxteth, landing somewhere around the Wirral later that evening.

[Fishfinger]

In a Dubai suite, Richard Madeley spoons an eye out and turns it towards himself, to check his hair. Then he remembers mirrors. "Oh Richard," sighs Judy.

[Glebe]

Irish golfer Pádraig Harrington snaps a Jacob's Twiglet in half in anger at missing his bus to Wexford.

1973, and Dick Emery has his feet up with a cup of PG Tips and is watching The Black and White Minstrel Show on his 11" colour set in his luxury Crouch End maisonette.

If you're near Devon next week you just might spot Charlie Dimmock nudging a chestnut along a cove using only her elbow.

Tracy Ullman divides a two-fingered Kit-Kat in half and distributes the pieces fairly between a pair of squabbling chaffinches near Purley.

[Glebe]

Craig David decimates a squirrel near Kent.

Tony Jacklin enjoys a dry sherry in Durham.

Diane Abbott celebrates retaining her seat by going on a leisure cruise around Minsk in a charrabanc.

Zoë Wanamaker goes on a fishing expedition in Los Angles and catches a turnip for breakfast.

[Glebe]

Gyles Brandreth, waving a giant Union Jack, Uxbridge and South Ruislip

Mandy Moore, Malaga, hedgehogs

Stacey Dooley secreting a kind of wasp repellent, King's Lynn

Will Self caught stealing a banana, a market in Stepney

[Glebe]

Jenny Eclair builds a makeshift outhouse out of doughnuts, Wisbech.

Seth Meyers turns Brooklyn into party central for the weekend with a massive sound system and free Coors Light for all!

Brenda Blethyn brings a mouldy Twix back to the cornershop where she purchased it in Macclesfield.

Cait O'Riordan ransacks a jumble sale in Cheshire, leaving naught but an ancient Bunty annual for the taking.

[Glebe]

Tom Selleck admires a dolphin in the Basque Country.

Ronan Keating gets grumpy with a marmoset near San Francisco.

Joss Stone does a gig atop Ben Nevis for a laugh.

Béatrice Dalle slams Richard Gere for "using the wrong kind of mouthwash," Ceylon.