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Celebrities doing things in places.

Started by Glebe, January 28, 2019, 02:36:46 AM

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Glebe

Bruce Dern takes advantage of the January sales at Halfords, Sidcup.

Glebe

Bridget Fonda hems a porpoise in-between a shed and a water fountain on a golf course in Thetford.

Graeme Souness consumes the lion's share of a Greggs pastie in a bypass near Dunfermline.

Ian Hislop snears at a cantaloupe that has gone off on a fruit and veg stall in Deptford.

Emeli Sandé, startled by a peacock, shoves said peacock into a litter bin. In Colchester.

Bazooka

Moira Stewart chains herself to Buckingham Palace and hunger strikes until incest is made legal.

Glebe

Tim Vine guzzles some Robinson's Barley Water for a decade near Humberside.

dr_christian_troy

Angela Lansbury necks a Tizer in Peckham Rye as she remembers Peter Falk fondly.

Glebe

A giant breakfast egg chases Chris Martin around a hotel in Galway. The egg has to be stop-motion animated and it takes ages.

Glebe

Norman Reedus bobs a Campbell's Soup tin on a pond in Morecambe.


Glebe

Peter Egan is otherwise engaged, and so John Nettles fills in as today's celebrity doing a thing in a place. He's padlocking a chaffinch to a drain pipe in Surrey.

ToneLa

In the Rose & Thistle in Reading West in Reading, you come back from shitter to find Jessica Alba's robbed your seat and the cheeky mare is supping your Strongbow Dark Fruit! She's popped the telly on too, and it's mighty fucking loud.

"Oi. Move," you say, thumb pointing towards the egress. You're used to pikey skanks in her and although Alba's certainly a cut above the usual standard of clunge a thieving cow is a thieving cow. "Hop it." You make a reach for the TV remote.

"Fuck RIGHT OFF, cuntyballs," she screeches, SCREEEEEEEEEAMS and hurls herself up and onto you, climbing you, bashing your nose in with the bottom of the glass tok tok tok, the dull thump sending thunderous pain shooting into your skull, the fizzy purple pish sloshing over the rim, her nails digging into your flesh, Alba trying to thumb your eyeballs, Alba trying to tear your throat, you crash through a table to the floor and she's kneeing your bollocks over & over, you're gasping and suffering and fading and trying to get a cheeky look down her top but she's slashing your face open and oh god the blood & the rate it's hitting the floor..

As your world swims to nothingness, you see Alba dust herself off and sit back at the table, licking your blood from her fingers. "No cunt keeps ME from the racing."

ToneLa

You know Miniclipper Logistics on Billington Road? Here in Leighton Buzzard? Which itself is relatively near the Chiltern Hills?

If you pop there on a Friday night you can find Nicole Scherzinger there in her hoody selling 3 for 50. Or dropoff in 2 minute if you text for 70. Rumour has it she keeps her stash under a stone in Astral Park but if you touch that you're a dead man.

ToneLa

Round the back of The Lone Star Tex-Mex themed cafe/bar/grill in Buxton, there is Charlize Theron, flogging jars of her dusty, brackish piss for perves to glug.

Thing is, does a roaring trade

ToneLa

I'm not saying Kristin Kreuk roams the streets of Stroud to collect dog muck; certainly not for the public good - Lord no, but for her own collection at home, shaped by size and breed and taste, each month a winner nominated. Perhaps she swirls around melted nuggets of turd like the finest wine only to gob it out onto her filthy carpet (euphemism or no) and the selected crap then crammed by hand all artisan into a Trojan-brand prophylactic, and finally quickly packed in ice only to then flog onto lonely local pensioners as a makeshift anal-pleasure contraption in the field of dildonics.

I'm not saying that at all.

ToneLa

I hear tell Beth Ostrosky Stern is a lover of big ships and all things nautical. She can be found down the marina often with her fanny out

ToneLa

I have it on superb authority that Gary "The Collector" Linekar rummages through abortion clinic bins seeking not some odd lunch or even some delicious gunge to slobber back as a delicacy like Port or Vermouth or oysters, no no, he seeks verily for a lover: odd bits 'n' pieces sewn together hideously to fashion a being, and one day soon - but not soon enough for Gary - his new wife "Agatha Linekar" shall be made corporeal by stitches and knots of discarded flesh, Gary awaiting some night soon her urgent deflowering.

ToneLa

Rose McGowan's barred from The Roald Dahl Museum and Story Centre in Great Missenden which features manuscripts and items from Dahl's life. Sticky fingers, see. Lifted a programme gratis from the gift shop and that's your lot.

ToneLa

Sofia Vergara kicked out of the Waitrose on Station Road, Gerrard's Cross, in the Colne Valley, for flashing. That strong breeze was clearly just alleged, ma'am

ToneLa

Reclining upon your couch there in your flat above the Worting Road Londis in Basingstoke, stark bollock naked and covered in baby oil, priapic and engorged, is William David Charles Carling O.B.E. Which is a bit annoying as you fancy a go on the PlayStation with a few tins.

ToneLa

You'd think Jolene Blalock'd be well up for it, considering you see her every day peering sadly through the windows of The Bridal Lounge in Newcastle-Under-Lyme with salty tears streaming down her face, but she was having none of it, you grotty little nonce.

Glebe

^Nice burst of creativity there, TL!

Fionn Whitehead manufactures carrot soup in a bucket in Minehead.

Paul McCartney sells various wholefoods from a stall in Clacton.

ToneLa

Laetitia Casta hauling a chest of drawers up the stairs of a semi in Luton, single handed with rivers of sweat rolling down her chest, cursing like a coked-up sailor, biceps bulging like a Predator extra

ToneLa

Tell Samantha Mumba she can fuck off coughing into strangers' yawning mouths up Camden.

ToneLa

Catherine Zeta-Jones caught coming out of the Ladbrokes on the High Street in Nantwich with loads and loads of little blue pens, them clattering into the gutter tumbling from all unlikely places as she does one. She'd stashed them everywhere

ToneLa

Charisma Carpenter bums you for a fag outside the Coalville Town Bowls Club in Coalville, North West Leicestershire and this woman just can't take No. This was back in 2013 though. Has she changed? Like fuck

Glebe

Denis Lawson is sitting at home watching Bargain Hunt when there is a rap at the door. Its Michael Caine.

"Michael, Michael, come in, come in! Take a seat... I'm just enjoying the BBC's Bargain Hunt. Can I offer you tea? Coffee?"

"Nah Denis, oi carn't stay long... jast wanderin' if yah'd do me a bladdy favour, mate."

"Em, sure, Mike... what is it?"

"Weol oi'm anly sappoused to be a celeb doin' samfing in a place, baht oi carn't do it at the mo. Would yoo do it foh me, Dennie?"

"Alright, Mike! What is it?"

Subsequently Denis Lawson finds himself polishing an aardvark in Kent.

ToneLa

'Round the suburbs of Surbiton, the lads on the bins are sick of Rebecca Romijn following the van around. Freegan my arse, she acts like she's not been told.

ToneLa

Brooke Burke characteristically lifts chewies from the McColl's in Staining by Blackpool.

Assistant not arsed.

ToneLa

Tyra Banks there in Covent Garden, hand out for a freebie as per bloody usual.

Not even in the gold anymore. Still, coins it in. Suppose she is unnaturally still, fair fucks

ToneLa

Kelly Brook naked and wet, legs akimbo, pouting & tits out & gagging, in your dreams there in Faversham

ToneLa

Kell Brook naked and wet, legs akimbo, pouting & tits out & gagging, in your ring there in Faversham.