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Ooh, I'm scared.

Started by Jockice, January 31, 2019, 08:41:05 AM

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Jockice

Last night I took my weekly look through the spam folder on my email account. Just to check I hadn't missed anything. And right at the top was one from a woman called Cathie claiming she'd filmed me watching porn (and 'certainly having fun' as 'I have a great taste') and now she wants $868 in 24 hours or she's going to send a copy to nine of my contacts. I love the exactitude of the whole thing. Why $868? Why nine contacts?

But anyway, oh dear! She knows my password too (or at least an old one that I still occasionally use) so I'd better send her the money.  The problem is that I haven't got that kind of cash to hand since I gave my bank account details to a Nigerian prince (who strangely hasn't deposited the 20 million quid in it yet) so I'm going to crowdfund on here.

Come on, give generously. It'll make Cathie happy and of course I'll be sure to pass it onto her and certainly won't spend it all myself. And if this isn't enough incentive, just think that you personally might be one of these nine contacts...


Paul Calf

Oooh. Could you DM me 'her' email address please?

Jockice

Quote from: Paul Calf on January 31, 2019, 08:42:58 AM
Oooh. Could you DM me 'her' email address please?

No chance. She's mine, all mine.

rasta-spouse

There's an article on the bbc news site about this type of scam. Basically it's a mass email but they've inserted people's hacked email passwords (the details of which they've harvested from dark websites) to give their blackmail attempts some clout.

The article advised folks to ignore the emails and type your details into haveibeenpwned.com to see what accounts of yours have been compromised.

Bazooka

Cathie up to her old tricks again.

rasta-spouse

Cathie sent me a DM saying she knows I'm the Highlander and she's got footage of me going through a quickening. What should I do?

She's going to send the tapes to the shadow cabinet.

Pijlstaart

I've had a spate of these sextortion emails, all titled "your account has been frozen", and it wasn't, which is what tipped me off. The emails came within minutes of each other too, but the second one asked for less money. Not a good threat anyway, wanking over fringe pornography might actually boost my reputation, give me that likeability factor. It worked for Ted Cruz. A lot of things genuinely bring me shame. Last night, 2am and I was drinking discounted stew straight from the tin in bed and it's stuck in the tin so I tip it fully and it avalanches on me, cold squishy pearl barley, bits of onion etc. I fall asleep in it and come morning it has dried and I am glued to the sheets by a dried stew death-mask. Wanking is recreation, a joyous occasion to be shared, and I imagine people would pat my back and go "attaboy" if I wanked for them, especially if I went for technique-oriented trick-shot wanking, as popularised by MTV, I'd draw a crowd, the hero of the piece, but only for wanking.

Jockice

Quote from: Pijlstaart on January 31, 2019, 09:48:27 AM
I've had a spate of these sextortion emails, all titled "your account has been frozen", and it wasn't, which is what tipped me off. The emails came within minutes of each other too, but the second one asked for less money. Not a good threat anyway, wanking over fringe pornography might actually boost my reputation, give me that likeability factor. It worked for Ted Cruz. A lot of things genuinely bring me shame. Last night, 2am and I was drinking discounted stew straight from the tin in bed and it's stuck in the tin so I tip it fully and it avalanches on me, cold squishy pearl barley, bits of onion etc. I fall asleep in it and come morning it has dried and I am glued to the sheets by a dried stew death-mask. Wanking is recreation, a joyous occasion to be shared, and I imagine people would pat my back and go "attaboy" if I wanked for them, especially if I went for technique-oriented trick-shot wanking, as popularised by MTV, I'd draw a crowd, the hero of the piece, but only for wanking.

I was eating orange Smarties in bed last night. I hope nobody's filmed it.

SteveDave

My friend replied to one of these emails with a video of himself masturbating furiously at his laptop camera.

Jittlebags

Why is it always furiously, in relation to wanking? I'm sure there are other suitable adverbs. How about frenziedly wanking? Or ferociously wanking?

Mind, adverbs beginning with f do appear to have a good affinity with wanking.

Blumf

This spammer really knows me.

QuoteThe most pleasant thing in this world is sexual intercourse!
Do you agree? I am so tired of working and loneliness.
Nothing new. We just become older day by day.
I don't want to lose the time!
Check the link. Make me blissful.

gilbertharding

Quote from: Jittlebags on January 31, 2019, 10:31:12 AM
Why is it always furiously, in relation to wanking? I'm sure there are other suitable adverbs. How about frenziedly wanking? Or ferociously wanking?

You cannot whack a languid wank.


momatt

My Mum got one of these emails.  It was more vague, an 'I know what you've done and I'm going to tell everybody' kind of thing.
She didn't seem that worried.  I doubt she spends that much time wanking to strange porn anyway.

Quote from: SteveDave on January 31, 2019, 10:22:40 AM
My friend replied to one of these emails with a video of himself masturbating furiously at his laptop camera.
This is excellent.  Might do this.
Whether they want it or not.

Jittlebags

Quote from: gilbertharding on January 31, 2019, 10:37:16 AM
You cannot whack a languid wank.

Like you might have if you've just got a lazy lob.

paruses

Quote from: gilbertharding on January 31, 2019, 10:37:16 AM
You cannot whack a languid wank.

You can definitely wank idly . I'm proving the point right now.

(C'mon guuuys. Need more tokens)

Cerys

Quote from: gilbertharding on January 31, 2019, 10:37:16 AM
You cannot whack a languid wank.

It's possible to wank gleefully, though.  Bouncing about the room, jizz flinging creamy spatters on the walls - if you've never done this then I pity you.  Pity you.

Sebastian Cobb

I wank like a safari park chimp.

Explaining why I have a tyre dangling from a rope in my study isn't easy.

Jittlebags

Here are a few of my favourite things wanks.
wanking enthusiastically
wanking majestically
wanking recklessly
wanking thoroughly
wanking obediently
wanking stealthily
wanking valiantly
wanking mockingly
wanking powerfully
wanking jubilantly
wanking generously
wanking jovially

In fact, practically any of these are suitable for wanking. https://www.mobap.edu/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/list_of_adverbs.pdf


Lisa Jesusandmarychain



Jittlebags

You can even do adjectives:
A glamorous wank
A grumpy wank
A delightful wank
A lively wank
A colossal wank
A thoughtless wank
A workmanlike wank - that's the type you'd get by a professional sexual service provider - I should expect - behind a skip.

dex

My old man had the same scam sent to him.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Quote from: dex on January 31, 2019, 12:03:35 PM
My old man had the same scam sent to him.

Fred W. Leigh and Charles Collins consider rewrite.

shiftwork2

I had one of these a few months ago.  It did contain a very old password that I think got stolen from yahoo mail or dropbox so it was a cut above your usual spam.  Googling the text showed that a fair few people had coughed up as the bitcoin collection account was in rude health and rising.

Icehaven

I was at some staff training last week and the discussion turned to online scams, and the bloke doing the training (who does quite a lot of his work on social media) said in the last few months he's had two emails demanding bitcoin or threatening that he'll have acid thrown in his face. There wasn't anything specific to him in it so he was just ignoring it on the basis it was likely a mass email and not actually targeting him, but we all said he should still absolutely go to the police about it. He reckoned they wouldn't do anything as it wasn't directed at him and they'd have no chance of finding who sent it anyway, but even so I'd still report it if I was him, surely if enough of the possibly tens of thousands of people who receive it do then some action would have to be taken, even if it didn't come to anything.

BritishHobo

Disgraced YouTuber Alex Day made a really good point, which is that he knows his friends and relatives both A: would be adults about the idea of someone watching porn and B: wouldn't want to see footage of him wanking, so if the threat was real then he'd rather just send a message round saying 'look, don't watch this video, you know you won't want to' than he would pay shitloads to some cunt blackmailer.

machotrouts

I first heard about this scam from my mum. While we were in the car together, she turned off her phone and made me turn off mine, then circumspectly explained to me that her phone had been hacked. She'd mentioned one of her old passwords in conversation a couple of days earlier, and had since received an email with that password in it. This conversation wasn't on the phone, just a conversation that she supposed her phone had picked up.

It's perhaps an odd enough coincidence that I'd have wondered too, but where my mum differs from me is, instead of researching it, or at least trying to do anything about it, she shrugged and resigned herself to malevolent hackers permanently listening in on her, like it's just a fact of life. "Just have to turn our phones off when we want to have any conversations like this, now."

She'd have gone on like that if I hadn't googled what happened for her (made difficult by the fact that she'd immediately deleted the email, and then deleted it from her deleted folder, "for security").

Camp Tramp

My Hotmail was hacked into recently.

'You're a naughty boy :)'

Then came the nastiness
'If you don't pay me £700 by tomorrow, I will lock your PC and release the contents of your hard drive to all your contacts.'

He didn't want to come across as a bad guy though.
'Please don't hate me, I'm just doing my job.'

The email went into my junk and I saw it 3 days after my deadline expired.

By junk I mean junk mail, not my Fergie.

St_Eddie

Quote from: BritishHobo on February 02, 2019, 12:10:42 AM
Disgraced YouTuber Alex Day made a really good point, which is that he knows his friends and relatives both A: would be adults about the idea of someone watching porn and B: wouldn't want to see footage of him wanking, so if the threat was real then he'd rather just send a message round saying 'look, don't watch this video, you know you won't want to' than he would pay shitloads to some cunt blackmailer.

This is just it; "oh no, everyone's gonna know that I masturbate!".  Yeah, just you and the rest of the human race, mate.

St_Eddie

My mate once told me that he had received one of those phone calls where the scammer claims that they (somehow magically) know that your computer is infected with viruses and that they want to help, so "you just need to follow these instructions and allow me to interface with your computer remotely".  My friend had already reached the point where the scammer was moving his cursor around the screen and accessing his files, when his Brother walked into the room and asked what was happening.  "Oh, this bloke phoned.  My computer has viruses, so he's helping me".  His Brother told the guy on the phone to fuck off and switched off my mate's computer.

My friend's a nice guy and all, but... um, well, he's also the sort of guy who thinks that altruistic strangers phone up people to cure their computer of viruses, out of the kindness of their hearts.