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Needing new friends

Started by madhair60, January 31, 2019, 10:36:21 AM

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Janie Jones

New page top tip that actually works:

Everyone's local theatre or art centre or independent cinema has a bar that is staffed by volunteers. If you volunteer to work the bar, you can do a shift as often or as infrequently as you like and you get the chance to to make friends with your fellow volunteers and also some of the customers. If you are socially awkward it's fine because there's always some tables to wipe down or some cans to fetch from the cellar or whatever so you don't get stuck talking to anyone you don't like. Depending on the venue, you also get to see films, stand-up and bands for free.

pancreas

Wow. That's actually a good idea. And I thought baby boomers were only good for picking up bric-a-brac at local markets.

a duncandisorderly

thanks to this thread I finally googled 'neckbeard'.

cheers.

a duncandisorderly

I mean, seriously, other human beings do things like this, on purpose:



stay at home & play on the internet.

mothman

Quote from: studpuppet on January 31, 2019, 11:24:53 AM
Make children.
Children make friends.
Make friends with children's friends' parents.

This is the worst. Whoever could imagine that making friends with random people ,who just happen to have chosen to become parents at around the same time as you, is likely to work? Maybe if you're generally shallow, unimaginative people it'll happen - in fact I previously knew many just such who did, and do, and meanwhile over time our original friendship has gradually decoupled. My wife tried with a few but I always remained distant so they never really bedded in, as it were (an unfortunate turn of phrase, I admit).

I have no friends, anymore, not really. I have coworkers, some of whom I see socially; I have family; and - bleakness trigger warning - I have you cunts.

ASFTSN

People recommending madhair go to boardgame meetups after his recent posts about his circle of friends is some funny shit.

ZoyzaSorris

Quote from: mothman on February 02, 2019, 04:00:24 PM
This is the worst. Whoever could imagine that making friends with random people ,who just happen to have chosen to become parents at around the same time as you, is likely to work?

Any subset of 'random' people can include people you'll have things in common with. You could as easily say who could imagine making friends with people who just happen to be going to the same school or university to you, or just happen to live in the same town and so on.

Personally Ive made some great friends since having kids, but I am lucky enough to live in an area of london where there are probably inherently quite a lot of interesting people knocking about, young professionals and scientists and actors and media types and so on. If i was in some middle england mondeo man shithole i accept it might be a bit tougher.

But yeah I would say the main nexus of my friend harvesting through life in rough chronological order have been school, university, music scene, work, london neighbours, labour party membership, nature volunteering, having kids, with the last one ranking up there with the first few.

ZoyzaSorris

Still horrifically depressed and borderline suicidal though if that helps.

pancreas

Well ... aren't we all?

Except for me and Kane Jones.

madhair60

Quote from: ASFTSN on February 04, 2019, 08:24:18 AM
People recommending madhair go to boardgame meetups after his recent posts about his circle of friends is some funny shit.

I don't even dislike board games. I bet I could meet up with some CaB cunts for board games and have a great time. But these maladjusts I have to spend time with, honestly. He keeps messaging me about "Ace Combat 7". As I wrote this - I'm not joking - he texted me to say he's not sure if the aircraft he's chosen is too wide in its wingspan. Texted my phone. I had to pick up my phone, unlock it, go to texts, then it's this thing about fake planes.

Edit: Another message 33 seconds after the last one to inform me that Ace Combat 7 and Bosconian take place in the same universe. Alright mate.

thenoise

Close friendships are usually formed through a shared (slightly) traumatic experience.  So people make their closest friends in the Army, at school, a tough uni course, or a terrible job environment.  I most bond with work colleagues over how much we hate our boss.

So try doing a shit job, working for someone you hate.

phes


ASFTSN

I'm going to pose as an unknown, contrive to bump into madhair and slowly become his best friend in an process that moves from casual accquaintance to occasional pint to actual best mate in an inseparable bromance based on respect, trust, humour and even a dash of platonic love, each of us depending on the other through thick and thin, good times and the bad, until even the concept of a secret between the two of us is unthinkable. We'll each raise separate families, with the company of each other being a refuge as our kids grow into adults and the fly the nest, our gruff and backslapping cordiality a continual link in our entwined destinies, our wives always happy to see us hanging out because it keeps us young in these uncertain times, damn it.  Then one day on a fishing trip or some shit I'm going to earnestly ask him his opinion on whether the Swedish tournament rules for old-school Magic The Gathering play will ever be relaxed to allow different interpretations of the use of Chaos Orb and the sound of his head exploding will be heard in Stockholm.

jobotic

Quote from: madhair60 on February 04, 2019, 11:05:44 AM
I don't even dislike board games. I bet I could meet up with some CaB cunts for board games and have a great time. But these maladjusts I have to spend time with, honestly. He keeps messaging me about "Ace Combat 7". As I wrote this - I'm not joking - he texted me to say he's not sure if the aircraft he's chosen is too wide in its wingspan. Texted my phone. I had to pick up my phone, unlock it, go to texts, then it's this thing about fake planes.

Edit: Another message 33 seconds after the last one to inform me that Ace Combat 7 and Bosconian take place in the same universe. Alright mate.

See I've got friends but none like this. I mean you were one of them once, right? Or how did this happen?

Pingers

Quote from: madhair60 on February 04, 2019, 11:05:44 AM
I don't even dislike board games. I bet I could meet up with some CaB cunts for board games and have a great time. But these maladjusts I have to spend time with, honestly. He keeps messaging me about "Ace Combat 7". As I wrote this - I'm not joking - he texted me to say he's not sure if the aircraft he's chosen is too wide in its wingspan. Texted my phone. I had to pick up my phone, unlock it, go to texts, then it's this thing about fake planes.

Edit: Another message 33 seconds after the last one to inform me that Ace Combat 7 and Bosconian take place in the same universe. Alright mate.

I like board games, but these people have sunk to the bottom of the social functioning pond, haven't they? No wonder you need new friends.

madhair60

There is a secret origin to this whole thing. Back when I was unemployed, I was volunteering for a local radio station. That's where I met Shitlord. Shitlord was basically okay. Utterly socially retarded, but we shared some interests and it was better than being alone. We'd get lunch and stuff. Anyway, knew him a few months but didn't really meet up outside of this voluntary thing. Months later I'm in the Tram Depot (Cambridge pub) with other friends (soon to move away) and I get a phone call from a number I don't recognise. Sounds like a mate of mine, Darren. So I say yeah, we're at the Tram Depot, come on by. Shitlord turns up to my visible confusion. Because I'm not a massive prick I don't tell him to fuck off, he joins us and it's awkward as balls. He gets on alright with another friend of mine, Pissflaps. Pissflaps and Shitlord get on because Pissflaps is alright but always had been on the cusp of neckbeardery. They get to talking about plastic orcs and that.

Pissflaps is one of my oldest friends, since I was 8 or 9. And Shitlord befriends him and draws himself into any and all encounters. Turns him into another abject loser. Then all my other friends moved away and this is all I'm left with. A friend I want to lose and a friend I desperately don't, intertwined horrendously.

purlieu

Quote from: madhair60 on February 04, 2019, 11:05:44 AM
I don't even dislike board games. I bet I could meet up with some CaB cunts for board games and have a great time. But these maladjusts I have to spend time with, honestly. He keeps messaging me about "Ace Combat 7". As I wrote this - I'm not joking - he texted me to say he's not sure if the aircraft he's chosen is too wide in its wingspan. Texted my phone. I had to pick up my phone, unlock it, go to texts, then it's this thing about fake planes.

Edit: Another message 33 seconds after the last one to inform me that Ace Combat 7 and Bosconian take place in the same universe. Alright mate.
Either make a lot of effort to learn how to maintain friendships with aspies, or move on. Infodumping is a fucking nightmare to deal with (I had another autistic friend who I had an unspoken agreement with that he could talk at length to me about helicopters as long as I could talk at length to him about The Future Sound of London, both aware that neither was very interested) and usually ends up with the person being talked at getting very angry. It's honestly not worth it, as you'll end up being unhappy and your friend won't have the faintest idea what he's done wrong. It's much better for everyone involved to just be open and honest and say "Look, sorry, I'm not really interested in this anymore, nor the specifics of what it's about. It's nothing personal but I'm going to move on and do other things with my time".


Shoulders?-Stomach!

#138
Quote from: icehaven on February 01, 2019, 02:01:50 PM
I find it hard to tell where the middle ground is between being coming across as a standoffish, distant introvert and a needy, please-like-me hanger on. I get that that's my problem but I find it hard to not feel like I'm being one thing or the other, when in reality I do know I'm probably being neither.

I identify with this. A few bad experiences at school knocked my confidence in that regard which has taken a long time to get back.

If it helps anyone, I consciously make myself take pauses to hear other people and over the years find it easier waiting for my chance to chime in - probably through that listening helping to engagie constructively. Lots of people are much better at driving conversations though.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Btw I didn't think you were particularly introverted or an over-compensating extrovert either.

Buelligan

Quote from: madhair60 on February 04, 2019, 12:38:49 PM
There is a secret origin to this whole thing. Back when I was unemployed, I was volunteering for a local radio station. That's where I met Shitlord. Shitlord was basically okay. Utterly socially retarded, but we shared some interests and it was better than being alone. We'd get lunch and stuff. Anyway, knew him a few months but didn't really meet up outside of this voluntary thing. Months later I'm in the Tram Depot (Cambridge pub) with other friends (soon to move away) and I get a phone call from a number I don't recognise. Sounds like a mate of mine, Darren. So I say yeah, we're at the Tram Depot, come on by. Shitlord turns up to my visible confusion. Because I'm not a massive prick I don't tell him to fuck off, he joins us and it's awkward as balls. He gets on alright with another friend of mine, Pissflaps. Pissflaps and Shitlord get on because Pissflaps is alright but always had been on the cusp of neckbeardery. They get to talking about plastic orcs and that.

Pissflaps is one of my oldest friends, since I was 8 or 9. And Shitlord befriends him and draws himself into any and all encounters. Turns him into another abject loser. Then all my other friends moved away and this is all I'm left with. A friend I want to lose and a friend I desperately don't, intertwined horrendously.

Gah, nothing could be simpler. 


You must find Shitlord a wife who actively hates both you and Pissflaps.  Only a possessive and manipulative woman has the power to refasten and control the bonds of the Great Old One.

madhair60

Buelligan, would you please marry Shitlord? It would be doing me a big, big favour.

Buelligan

Absolutely not.  I'm already married to myself and we're very happy.

madhair60


Buelligan

Not as if I haven't heard it before. 

purlieu

Quote from: Janie Jones on February 02, 2019, 02:49:50 PM
New page top tip that actually works:

Everyone's local theatre or art centre or independent cinema has a bar that is staffed by volunteers. If you volunteer to work the bar, you can do a shift as often or as infrequently as you like and you get the chance to to make friends with your fellow volunteers and also some of the customers. If you are socially awkward it's fine because there's always some tables to wipe down or some cans to fetch from the cellar or whatever so you don't get stuck talking to anyone you don't like. Depending on the venue, you also get to see films, stand-up and bands for free.
By the way this is a really fucking good post, thanks.

PlanktonSideburns

yea do jones's thing, run like fuck from everything else said

apart from whoever mention peado hunter gangs, do that too

Kelvin

Quote from: madhair60 on February 04, 2019, 12:38:49 PM
There is a secret origin to this whole thing. Back when I was unemployed, I was volunteering for a local radio station. That's where I met Shitlord. Shitlord was basically okay. Utterly socially retarded, but we shared some interests and it was better than being alone. We'd get lunch and stuff. Anyway, knew him a few months but didn't really meet up outside of this voluntary thing. Months later I'm in the Tram Depot (Cambridge pub) with other friends (soon to move away) and I get a phone call from a number I don't recognise. Sounds like a mate of mine, Darren. So I say yeah, we're at the Tram Depot, come on by. Shitlord turns up to my visible confusion. Because I'm not a massive prick I don't tell him to fuck off, he joins us and it's awkward as balls. He gets on alright with another friend of mine, Pissflaps. Pissflaps and Shitlord get on because Pissflaps is alright but always had been on the cusp of neckbeardery. They get to talking about plastic orcs and that.

Pissflaps is one of my oldest friends, since I was 8 or 9. And Shitlord befriends him and draws himself into any and all encounters. Turns him into another abject loser. Then all my other friends moved away and this is all I'm left with. A friend I want to lose and a friend I desperately don't, intertwined horrendously.

Fucking hell, mate. Now we know why half your comics end in a suicide.

Sony Walkman Prophecies

Quote from: purlieu on February 04, 2019, 01:02:30 PM
Either make a lot of effort to learn how to maintain friendships with aspies, or move on. Infodumping is a fucking nightmare to deal with (I had another autistic friend who I had an unspoken agreement with that he could talk at length to me about helicopters as long as I could talk at length to him about The Future Sound of London, both aware that neither was very interested) and usually ends up with the person being talked at getting very angry. It's honestly not worth it, as you'll end up being unhappy and your friend won't have the faintest idea what he's done wrong. It's much better for everyone involved to just be open and honest and say "Look, sorry, I'm not really interested in this anymore, nor the specifics of what it's about. It's nothing personal but I'm going to move on and do other things with my time".

I actually I did this to my friend (incidentally also diagnosed as an Aspie) and he hasn't talked to me since I did it. I relate a lot to what Madhair has said about his friends. Most people like this are actually okay, when placed in the right environment. The problem is when they latch onto people with similar ticks and quirks, which then results in a weird co-conspiracy to wreck one anthers lives, destroying the other person's ability to ever to ever find love, a meaningful career, etc. You find the same thing with clingy parents sabotaging their kids romantic relationships. All very odd. Best staying away, or at least maintaining a safe distance.

Sony Walkman Prophecies

As an addendum, the worst info-dumper I know (as in worst offender) is one of the most socially able people I know. Personally, I think he's a frustrated six form teacher. A lot of the stuff he dumps onto you about digestion, chemical bonding, variously handy ways of achieving this or that with a grouted path, could be easily parlayed into a lesson. There's also probably an element of 'I know something you don't', and he is the sort of insecure person who'll walk into Dixons just to argue with one of the junior sales staff about a piece of equipment he's sure they don't understand. As I say, 100 percent socially able. Very popular. No shortage of friends or girl friends. Just this one quirk which makes him appear completely mental whenever it rears its head.