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Needing new friends

Started by madhair60, January 31, 2019, 10:36:21 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

billyandthecloneasaurus

I'm pretty good at making friends, and I don't feel too embarrassed saying that cus it's just about the one thing I am good at.

Wish life was more like The Sims 2 where you'd pick your lifetime focus, which I think was between "romance" (shagging birds),"professional" (earning loads of money), and "popular" (having loads of mates).  You could basically ignore all the other ones and if you were good at the one you picked you'd get rewarded and get all the other ones anyway.

As it is I'm constantly skint and haven't been in a serious relationship for about 5 years, but I've got fucking loads of mates.  Only reward I seem to get is having to go to weddings in Somerset and getting occasional passive-aggressive messages from people I haven't spoken to for a while.

Anyway, here's my shit advice.

Quite abstract, but basically try to reserve judgement on people and look for positives in them.  Fucking all of them.  When you meet people, even the ones you think "ah shit think they're a bit of a cunt", just pretend they're not, then try to look for potential shared reference points.  You can charm em, have them on your side, THEN decide if they're sound afterwards.  Remember how many of your current mates that are dickheads who you still love anyway - seeking perfection in mates is even more pointless than in romantic partners i reckon. 

In terms of actual conversation, just do the simple shit.  Ask loads of questions, make plenty of eye contact, laugh in the right places and show interest in stuff even if it's boring as fuck.

Also, take slight risks with social etiquette.  I find it's a really good icebreaker when you cheekily take the piss out of someone, as long as you've been self-deprecating beforehand a bit, and you've taken the piss out of yourself more than them.  Fosters a real sense of "haha we're all wankers aren't we hahhaah the worlds fucked lol", which is very conducive to top top friendship.  Like don't fucking NEG them, but i think it's better to be cheeky than freeze up and get stuck in a homer "SOUNDS INTERESTING" cycle.


In terms of actually meeting people it's pretty obvious, and is similar to the first advice I gave.  Don't rule out or disregard stuff as SFC immediately, just fucking do it and then come on here and tell us the funny anecdote about the SFC activity you had to endure afterwards if it's well rubbish.

Take all the opportunities you get to socialise from work or mutual friends or whatever, but seek out anything even tangentially related to your interests.  Rock climbing social with the film appreciation society on meetup.com?  Sounds fucking well shit right?  fuck it, go anyway.  you might enjoy it, but even if you don't there's probably gonna be another grumpy cunt there you can moan about it with at the pub afterwards.  probably half there do't even like films or rocks, they're just similarly lonely people looking for some mates. 

I also find it helps to pester your other friends who are having more interesting lives in more interesting places, and try to arrange weekends sleeping on their sofas and shit.  I find it reinvigorates my social confidence being around normal people who like my company, then you can nick all their mates.  Weasel into their group then you can visit there for weekends to see THE GANG rather than just your original mate.  Maybe even move there eventually???!?!?!

This is probably the worst post I've ever made on a forum, but fuck it, POST.

Golden E. Pump

^ You are me, and I claim my five pounds.

Lost Oliver

^ Same, and I'm sure he's a HMHB fan so definitely me.

That said, I'll be moving to a new city very soon and will be completely billified so will be coming back to this thread soon, cock notebook in hand.


Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote.  Fosters a real sense of "haha we're all wankers aren't we hahhaah the worlds fucked lol",

Ah wow I didn't realise their new ad campaign was so honest

imitationleather

When talking to people younger than yourself under no circumstances ever make reference to the fact that BBC3 used to be a proper TV channel that broadcast daily from 7pm. They'll have your card marked after a faux pas like that.

biggytitbo

Don't try and get them chatting about how Bernard Bresslaw was underrated.

kittens

Quote from: Mass_Panic on February 01, 2019, 12:15:04 AM
Boardgame meet ups. Seriously, not stuff like Magic or Warhammer or Risk etc as those communities are usually different. It's pretty much the perfect way to meet people as you'll play games with several people at a time (so it's like speed dating but for friends), there's no awkward conversation because everyone has a task in the boardgame. You're often playing new games that people have brought in and want to try, so it's good for bonding. Good age range - everyone from twenties to sixties - generally pretty inclusive. Usually pretty intelligent people are drawn to boardgames, but they're not necessarily the socially inept nerd type - lots of professionals. Better female to male ratio as well, unlike things like Magic/Warhammer etc that seem to have very cliquey and impenetrable male only communities. A lot of these communities have online groups etc too, which is also handy for getting to know people a bit better behind the scenes, or if you're shy etc.


hi madhair, this is not true. i thought it might be true a few years ago after being dumped by my girlfriend and wanting to meet new people, so i went to one and all the people there were greasy little freaks. one of them told me off for not knowing the rules of the game and this fat bird wouldn't stop showing me pictures of her 'cosplay'. it felt good to be the coolest guy in the room but i wouldn't waste an evening doing this if you are in the business of making friends, unless you want to make friends that you would be embarrassed to be friends with, which you already have. so actually just go for it

Pdine

Have you considered befriending someone from another race? You really should.

imitationleather

Don't let on that you know whatever it was BBC Sounds was called prior to the rebrand. You'll be ostracised.

Similarly: It is All4, not 4oD.

Lost Oliver

Quote from: imitationleather on February 01, 2019, 08:27:03 AM
Don't let on that you know whatever it was BBC Sounds was called prior to the rebrand. You'll be ostracised.

Similarly: It is All4, not 4oD.

How much of a faux paus would mentioning Live TV be? On a sliding scale please.

Jerzy Bondov

Quote from: Pdine on February 01, 2019, 08:23:14 AM
Have you considered befriending someone from another race? You really should.
This is great advice. Once you've done this you can insist that you can't be racist, which allows you to make breathtakingly racist comments.

imitationleather

Quote from: Lost Oliver on February 01, 2019, 09:27:08 AM
How much of a faux paus would mentioning Live TV be? On a sliding scale please.

Naked darts is #CANCELLED.

Endicott

Quote from: Pdine on February 01, 2019, 08:23:14 AM
Have you considered befriending someone from another race? You really should.

He could try the 4 o'clock at Chepstow.

madhair60

FRUPDATE: I emailed the address Poo gave me and I think I have a lead


Fuck's sakes. That was meant to be my slot.

phantom_power

I have a similar problem. I have slowly lost most of my friends over the years (careless, I know ) so only really have one person I would call a proper friend. I know lots of people and socialise with my wife and various couples (steady) but I do with I had other friends of my own. Part of the problem though is that I am shit at small talk and want people who I can talk about my passions with, like music and films and stuff. I never meet people with similar tastes in music to me, but then I don't really go out of my way to try that hard to be honest

Lord Mandrake

People with similar tastes and passions get on my tits, boring! "Oohh lets talk about that film/music/book we both like again".   

phantom_power

Well that's 90% of human interaction knackered then

Rolf Lundgren

Quote from: imitationleather on February 01, 2019, 09:32:51 AM
Naked darts is #CANCELLED.

Excuse me but it was "Topless Darts". I can't have you denigrating a fine programme making it sound like some sleazy ogle-fest.


When I was a mature student I made plenty of friends organically in the sense that the intensity of the course brought people together. Several were from overseas, so they naturally were more forthcoming socially. One Spanish lady got in to the local couch surfing community and I was invited to a few of these gatherings, alongside warn and friendly travellers and international students you'd find these creepy local chaps who seemed like they were more interested in getting their end away. I think it's important to be genuine when you're looking for friendships and not predatory like these guys were.

imitationleather

Quote from: Rolf Lundgren on February 01, 2019, 10:42:29 AM
Excuse me but it was "Topless Darts". I can't have you denigrating a fine programme making it sound like some sleazy ogle-fest.

I remember that special they did. Treble Topless Darts.

I don't care if it was a dream, it still had a major impact on my psycho-sexual development.

As for making new friends: I think getting involved in pyramid selling is your best bet.

NoSleep

Quote from: billyandthecloneasaurus on February 01, 2019, 12:19:08 AM
I'm pretty good at making friends, and I don't feel too embarrassed saying that cus it's just about the one thing I am good at.

Wish life was more like The Sims 2 where you'd pick your lifetime focus, which I think was between "romance" (shagging birds),"professional" (earning loads of money), and "popular" (having loads of mates).  You could basically ignore all the other ones and if you were good at the one you picked you'd get rewarded and get all the other ones anyway.

As it is I'm constantly skint and haven't been in a serious relationship for about 5 years, but I've got fucking loads of mates.  Only reward I seem to get is having to go to weddings in Somerset and getting occasional passive-aggressive messages from people I haven't spoken to for a while.

Anyway, here's my shit advice.

Quite abstract, but basically try to reserve judgement on people and look for positives in them.  Fucking all of them.  When you meet people, even the ones you think "ah shit think they're a bit of a cunt", just pretend they're not, then try to look for potential shared reference points.  You can charm em, have them on your side, THEN decide if they're sound afterwards.  Remember how many of your current mates that are dickheads who you still love anyway - seeking perfection in mates is even more pointless than in romantic partners i reckon. 

In terms of actual conversation, just do the simple shit.  Ask loads of questions, make plenty of eye contact, laugh in the right places and show interest in stuff even if it's boring as fuck.

Also, take slight risks with social etiquette.  I find it's a really good icebreaker when you cheekily take the piss out of someone, as long as you've been self-deprecating beforehand a bit, and you've taken the piss out of yourself more than them.  Fosters a real sense of "haha we're all wankers aren't we hahhaah the worlds fucked lol", which is very conducive to top top friendship.  Like don't fucking NEG them, but i think it's better to be cheeky than freeze up and get stuck in a homer "SOUNDS INTERESTING" cycle.


In terms of actually meeting people it's pretty obvious, and is similar to the first advice I gave.  Don't rule out or disregard stuff as SFC immediately, just fucking do it and then come on here and tell us the funny anecdote about the SFC activity you had to endure afterwards if it's well rubbish.

Take all the opportunities you get to socialise from work or mutual friends or whatever, but seek out anything even tangentially related to your interests.  Rock climbing social with the film appreciation society on meetup.com?  Sounds fucking well shit right?  fuck it, go anyway.  you might enjoy it, but even if you don't there's probably gonna be another grumpy cunt there you can moan about it with at the pub afterwards.  probably half there do't even like films or rocks, they're just similarly lonely people looking for some mates. 

I also find it helps to pester your other friends who are having more interesting lives in more interesting places, and try to arrange weekends sleeping on their sofas and shit.  I find it reinvigorates my social confidence being around normal people who like my company, then you can nick all their mates.  Weasel into their group then you can visit there for weekends to see THE GANG rather than just your original mate.  Maybe even move there eventually???!?!?!

This is probably the worst post I've ever made on a forum, but fuck it, POST.

TL;DR?:-

Quote from: billyandthecloneasaurus on February 01, 2019, 12:19:08 AMFosters

The Aussie variety is OK.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: Mass_Panic on February 01, 2019, 12:15:04 AMBoardgame meet ups. Seriously, not stuff like Magic or Warhammer or Risk etc as those communities are usually different. It's pretty much the perfect way to meet people as you'll play games with several people at a time

The grown man version of that would be poker. I used to play poker down the pub when I lived in my parents house a few years ago. You get the fun of drinking, sitting around a green felt table and the added bonus of possibly winning a hundred quid if you're on form. I never took it seriously but still managed to win twice. I was also invited around to one of the player's house a few times for a poker game. He stopped inviting me suddenly though but that didn't bother me, I wasn't looking for friends.

The fact that you're playing a little game of poker gives you an excuse to all sit around a table together, chatting, concentrating on the game, drinking etc. And the fact that there's money on it means grown men have a butch enough reason to commune without feeling like they're at a knitting or dancercise class, which could challenge their sense of masculinity.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: billyandthecloneasaurus on February 01, 2019, 12:19:08 AM
This is probably the worst post I've ever made on a forum, but fuck it, POST.

No it was good post but if you do even half the shit you've mentioned there I'm surprised some young lass has not snapped you up. You must be very picky when it comes to women.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: drummersaredeaf on February 01, 2019, 09:59:57 AM
Fuck's sakes. That was meant to be my slot.

If there's no lube you're lucky it isn't.

Icehaven

I find it hard to tell where the middle ground is between being coming across as a standoffish, distant introvert and a needy, please-like-me hanger on. I get that that's my problem but I find it hard to not feel like I'm being one thing or the other, when in reality I do know I'm probably being neither.
Years ago when I wanted to join a band and was looking through adverts, my flatmate/best and only close friend at the time snidely said ''Don't people normally form bands with their friends?'' (he didn't play anything except himself) which struck me as a bizarre thing to say considering a) It's not true, it's actually often the other way around and you become friends because you're in a band together, and b) It only further reminded me what a useless do-nothing twat he was. I'm still friends with some of the people who became my bandmates, him not so much.

Quote from: checkoutgirl on February 01, 2019, 12:22:36 PM
... though but that didn't bother me, I wasn't looking for friends.


I think this might be where your plot falls short.

purlieu

Quote from: TrenterPercenter on January 31, 2019, 10:38:29 PM
It isn't hard to make friends outside work.  I haven't been in a work environment with friend material for nearly 10 years but I've still met loads of people and recently 3 people that I've really connected with and now feel very close too.
Well, y'know. How? Don't just say it's easy!
Quote from: billyandthecloneasaurus on February 01, 2019, 12:19:08 AM
Fucking all of them.
I don't recommend that, it just gets complicated.

Z

I'd say boardgame meetups are probably one of the most effective options if you actually like boardgames. Probably a 50/50 chance of nice but slightly awkward people vs insufferable shitheads each group.

I don't like boardgames though... so I just make all my friends on tinder now, which means I've no male friends. They may or may not think we're dating for the first few weeks, and this approach probably won't work if you're either female or even moderately attractive (once you get into your mid 30s this might even expand to "seem like you have your life at all in order"), because the other person might try to sex you.