Author Topic: Aussie Davro  (Read 403 times)

DangledTeeth

  • It depends on what you mean by 'teeth'.
Aussie Davro
« on: January 31, 2019, 10:59:12 PM »



Hello there, maites. Aussie Davro heeh to enthusiastically premaote this revolutionary new tool to you DIY Shanes an Sheilas aht there. Presenting the Paintfucker Deluxe!!!! It's going for the super bonzer proice of £29.99.






Let me tell you abaht the specifications and edvantages as part of this ihmazing once-in-a-larfe-time offah for the Paintfucker Deluxe.

Naow, maost of yeou will have had to lay aht aold blenkets on your precious living raoom caahpit or wherever it is you're doing the poainting. It can be a terrible inconvenience and very tarme-consuming for you all. With the Paintfucker Deluxe, yeou still have ta warry abaht that excessive tedium in yer DIY routine.

'Whoy's theht?', you ask.

The Paintfucker Deluxe could mess ahp yer caarpit and leave splodges over yer furniture witheht any protective sheets. What's more, it's completely unrelioable as the default roller is ebsaolutely gigantic and rougher than a hedgehog's arse.





Yeou perhaps foind it really boring when trying to laocate and place the paint tray and pour a tin of poaint into it and frequently dip yer roller into it. Well, with the Paintfucker Deluxe yeou dan't have to concern yourself with that as you can dispense the poaint into the rollah itself - heaps amoazing! But we recaommend that yeou have a tray nearby because the roller drips like an ice craym on a humid summer's day.

Usually with a wall-poainting job at haome, there are tricky places larke the anderside of inner windaow ledges and areound radiators. It's perfectly andersteehndable for yeou to require complete precision when poainting these difficult areas as yeou daon't want any form of damage to be inflicted onto your decor. Dan't worry, thaough, Paintfucker Deluxe has got yeou cavered - not with paint, marnd. A clip-on device prevents the poaint from coming aht thus avoiding any needless applications, not that yeou nayd it as the roller epitomoises futility. In ather words, it's utterly redundant.

Of course, yeou dan't have to take my word for haow weirdly great it all is, sao we let the public give it a trial rahn on our test wall to see what they thought...


----

Woman: Waow! This is so andelwhelming and ehtrociously poor. This makes me wanna hire a group of professionals who knaow what they're doing.

Man: Crarkey! I've applard the roller to the wall and gone ahp a few inches ehnd naow the bagger's stopped workin' already.

Man 2: This woeful thing has left an inconsistent brashstraoke with intermittent larnes and insipid patches witheht any volume at an ehceptable level.

----

Naow let's hear the satisfard opinions from those who purchased the Paintfucker Deluxe...


----

Woman 2: The 5.99 ihttachment I bought with the package is nothin' more an air-powered mechanism that sprays aout poaint each sarde whenever you put pressure on the rollah. Naow I can see arches of drips across the wall. Disappointingly shit, maite.

Woman 3: I filled ahp the roller and it took half ihn hour for the blardy colour to seep thraough. It's a completely rabbish doomerang.

Man 3: I despise this useless contraption! The aonly thing this bastard is good for is poainting the insarde or moy trash can, and by 'poainting' I meaning leaving the cahnt alaone in ordah to be conveyed to the nearest facking landfill.

Man 4: I think this is facking good. And I do mean this compliment quite literally, for I bought the medium rollah and filled it up with 6lbs of mince and used it as a pocket vajoyna. Trahble was, I didn't clean it aht properly, and my Mum and Dad borrowed it then consequently flattened aht a viscous mixture with traces of month-aold mince and hints of droied sparnk onto their living raoom wall. The laocal priest came round for a cahp of tea, sniffed the air and remarked 'Strewth, who shot their yoghurt into a Whopper?!'.

----

If you order the Paintfucker Deluxe today, you are eligible to buy a Turd Whacker Junior annnnd the Arse Shaver Plus for the ihxcellent proice of £25. Don't delay, paintfuck your wall and furniture today.


« Last Edit: January 31, 2019, 11:13:23 PM by DangledTeeth »

DangledTeeth

  • It depends on what you mean by 'teeth'.
Re: Aussie Davro
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2019, 08:21:33 PM »



G'day, g'day, g'day to you all. Aussie Davraoh heeh once again with yit anothah amoazing power-tool for yeou from Shitcunt Bargains TV. It isn't as captivating as the saound of a didgeridoo, but it's just as effective as the legs of a kangaroo.


Presenting the DMX Leaf Blower



I can't find my RAKE, maybe I will TOMO'. But if the leaves don't DROP, DON'T LET IT BLOW. X gon' give it to ya, he gon' give it to ya.


Depending on the seasonal conditions, the DMX Leaf Blower is gon' give it to you. And we're gon' give to ya for the affordable proice of forty-narne ninety-narne. Waow! Tawk abaout a great bargain.

What does it do? Well, leaf blaower by name, leaf blaower by nature. But that's enough from me. We've allaowed our dear friends of the shopping public to troy it aht...

----

Man: It just makes the leaves glide a few inches, a bit like in that game called Urban Chaos. No, I don't like it. It's pretty weak - the leaf blower, not the game.

Woman: I daon't knaow who or what DMX is, so I hope they don't marnd my sayin that it sure does suck. Really, look, these latex demo leaves are being vacuumed into it. Whoy's it doing this?!

Man 2: The power of this thing is ridiculous. It gaoes from one end of the scale to the next. In one instance the leaf folds and flaps erratically, then at other times it just launches them into an uncontrollable, miniature whirlwind of rusty decay. I feel like a hot shower after fuckin' ehrand with this atrocity.

Woman 2: HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!

----

Sahm would say it's a gimmicky, severely flawed hunk of shit, but I'd say it blaows about as much as my woife, baht daon't let amateur opinions stop yeou from buying it, maite. Listen to the profaound words of Mr DMX:

''Ay-yo, this is DMX, out here with my man Aussie Davro. This mothafuckah will clean your front and back yard lawns in no fuckin' time, dog. Eradicate those pesky autumnal fragments with a powerful blast of this fine piece of machinery. That's how we do 'em. Make leaves disappear into thin air by putting air through em. Never. Coming. Back. Last time you saw that leaf is the last time you'll see that leaf. Bark-bark-bark! WHHAAAAHT!''

Naow that's 49.99 of your Pommy pounds and pence. And if you purchase this, we'll thraow in a Wasp Maker for free. Bonzer!

DangledTeeth

  • It depends on what you mean by 'teeth'.
Re: Aussie Davro
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2019, 01:02:56 AM »


Hey there, cobbers. Haow aah all yeou Bruces and Sheilas doing, eh? You all knaow mey as Aussie Davro, and I'm here wance again on behaahf of Shitcunt Bargains TV to delight yeou with anathah wanderful, all-important DIY tool. Naow, for anyone who's had to whack in a nail, you've defo done yourself a little injury at some tarme, resulting in a sore thamb. Only you careless drongos would do something larke theht. Hah-heh-hah, jast jaokin' with ya, no need to crack the shits.

Well, with the state-of-the-art Inflatable Non-grip Hammer you daon't need to warry abaout giving your thamb a wallop, baht you can still use it to pull the bottlecaps off yer frothy. This exclusive product is proiced at £9.99. '9.99?! Have yeou gone maad, Davro?! Get a grip, mate. Pun intended!'' That's rart, ten paounds save for one pence. Fair dinkum.




This versatoile piece of kit can be used for jast abaout anything. You can knock in nails, prize 'em aout, but I would advise yeou not to apploy to mach pressure or else you'll burst the product.

As usual, we let passing consumerists have a good ol' go on our technological do-things. Here's what they had to soay...




Is this an inflated hammer head?!?! Nah, yeou golla be jaokin' me, maite. Is theah a hidden camera for a segment on a new programme called 'Foolin' Austrarlia' or something?




Sao you're tellin' me the grip is invisible? Essentially a useless cushion? Hah-hah. You're hilarious. Thanks for the giggle.




What koinda dunny deposit is this?! What's it meant to be, a blardy shaark, eh? Look maite, ar'm eout shoppin' with mar warfe, and I daon't need yeou to hold me up. Fuck off sahmwhere faar, and take your balloon wiv yeou! Cahnt!

--------


Buy today and hammer away for the proice of £9.99.

DangledTeeth

  • It depends on what you mean by 'teeth'.
Re: Aussie Davro
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2019, 12:46:02 AM »
Why, it's yeou the television audience, looking through the channels when they've all been shutdaown for the noight. Well, you're ganna be ihntertained by mey, Aussie Davro, as paaht of this demonstration.



And guess what, maites? The Paintfucker Deluxe reached a new moilestaone in its technological enhancement. Yes, bargain grabbers, that means there's a newer version that's jast been released.




The Mega Paintfucker Deluxe is as large as a barge and ready to decorate, maite.

Naow, to shaow yeou heow effective this new one is, I've brought along my good pals Liam and Jane to demonstrate the difference between the Mega Paintfucker Deluxe and an alternative roller. Liam is utilising the mammoth-sized Mega Paintfucker Deluxe, and Jane over to my left is ganna be using a cheaper brand. One, two, three. Let's poaint...




Jane's got off to a floying staaht; she's managed to roll aout her sheets and has nearly finished in 20 minutes. It seems larke a short time, but let's gao over and see how Liam is progressing...





Aoh naoh! Jast observe the unprepossessing density of the applications. Look at that annoying impasto. Liam, maite, what in the didgerifuck happened heeah?!?! And look at the state of you! Yeou look larke yeou were caught in an explosion inside a snotty tissue museum. Annnnd yeou've had to use a tray for any dripping, which should not happen. This is heaps atrocious!

Well, yeou've seen the capabilities of both. I hope this has been insightful for yeou, cobbers. The Mega Paintfucker Deluxe is available naow for the acceptable prarce of £45.99.
« Last Edit: February 04, 2019, 01:46:26 AM by DangledTeeth »

DangledTeeth

  • It depends on what you mean by 'teeth'.
Re: Aussie Davro
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2019, 07:49:11 PM »


Well if it ain't my favourite people, the shoppers at haome. Flicked over the channel in ordah to farnd a baahgain for a niche prodact? If sao, you've come to the rart place, 'cause Aussie Davraoh has them by the trucklaoad, supplied by aahr good maites Shitcunt Bargains TV and Value Genie Macedonia.

Sao, what has Uncle Davvers got for yeou? Feast your eyes on the these captivating Celebrity-themed Budgie Smugglers

£8.99 for a pair of pool-sarde undies with a currently limited selection (more to come) of the world's most renowned figures of the arts ehnd entertainment world emblazoned across your fuck-hump. 'Why would I want one?' you ask. Why the blardy hell wouldn't you want a pair?!




Picture this, rart, you're at a barbie haosted in a gaarden with a large swimming pool, the Sheilas are praoudly flaunting their endowment, and what's this that's enthralled them? Why, it's nahne athah than Joe 'King of the Aus Bushes 2008' Swash. They'll knaow what an audacious gent you are once they clap eyes with Joe's rogueish rictus. They'll be drooling over you in no time... or at the prospect of eating thaose sizzling kebabs and burgers.




But if that's too low-braow for yeou, there is this splendid pair of Will Self tranks. These are ardeal for the more discerning, literary beauts. As they sip a glass of the aold pinot and nibble falafel on an ethically-sourced cocktail stick, you want their gaze to hone in on Will's ironically gloomy face. That way, they'll know you appreciate the likes of Shakespeare and Sartre once they look at the polysyllabic in your snug willy harness.




And finally, a pair of tranks with the charming face of good ol' Harold Bishop. Who doesn't admoire the ageing stalwart of Erinsbaraough, eh. Jast look at those adorable glasses that accentuate his glorious cheekbaones, a thoroughly grand look of elegance indicating to the ladies aout there that you're a heaps sensitive, trustworthy guy with a naughty sarde. And guess what? They'll be after your bishop in no tarme, maite.


What does the public think? Let's find aout...

----

Man: Who's Will Self? Or Jaoe Swash? I danno about these, maite. I ain't putting them on aout heeah. Not interested.

Woman: They won't look good on mey. Hee-hee-hah-hah. These are men's swimming trunks.

Man: What? Harold Bishop swimming tranks?! Ahr yeou fuckin' mental, maite?!

-----

Don't be a fool, look cool at the pool for £8.99. That's £8.99 plus £1.99 postage and packing.

DangledTeeth

  • It depends on what you mean by 'teeth'.
Re: Aussie Davro
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2019, 01:35:39 AM »


G'day from Straya Davvers. Some people soay I look larke Robin Williams and vaguely resemble Bill O'Reilly, but 'Ausbin Williams' and 'Bill O'Aussie' doesn't really work.

We've still got plenty of tools and accessories for you. Ahr warehouses are chockers, maite. You won't farnd a bettah bargain on a rival channel. Call that a bargain? This is a bargain.

'What is this newest bargain?' I hear you mutter.

Aonly the maost incredible and mobile piece of wonderment yeou could evah buy.

Naow, some of yeou moight remembah seeing a video clip and/or a picture of two Sheilas parading areound in their body-accentuating undergarments. This was posted on a comedy forum used by the intelligentsia. And a bunch of technology geeks developed a life-larke robot thingy of the brunette one.

Deborah Ann(droid) Gaetano

£879 for one of these. It'll requires 20 AA batteries, and has four hours' worth of battery life.

Unfortunately, we couldn't do a test-run eout in pablic, and knaowing ahr products the robot will troy to annihilate the entire human race with a built-in tin opener in it's wrist - not that's it's suppaosed to be equipped with one, thaough. Sao here is a looped clip of the real Deborah doing her job...





Erm... well you can... see heow she exudes startling femininity with her graceful walk. And... where-was-I? Yes, £879 - batteries not included. Rart, would you playse excuse mey, I urgently need the dunny, just need to check on my leaf blaower.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2019, 02:34:55 AM by DangledTeeth »

DangledTeeth

  • It depends on what you mean by 'teeth'.
Re: Aussie Davro
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2019, 11:29:08 PM »


Good arvo to you here in Aus, maite. It's the wan and aonly Aussie Davro here with a superb new addition to the Paintfucker range.

*Tap-tap-tap*

Before I get into that, have yeou ever naoticed that mobile phaones gradually became small by the mid 2000s then incraysed since the 2010s? Well, what with the Paintfucker Deluxe becoming a 'mega' version, Shitcunt Bargains TV desarded to go the opposite woay and release a novelty miniature version which not only is a marker pen, it's also a 4gb USB stick to put your treasured videos and phaotos on theah. We call it the Paintfucker Deluxe Mini



*Distant sound of a door opening*

What's-that-noi... never marnd. The cost of this tremendous gadget is £9.99. Some of yeou may think that's a little steep for a vaguely handy devarce. Naow, a standard USB stick with at least 8gb capacity - twarce the capacity of the Paintfucker Deluxe Mini - would deplete around £5.99 of your pocket money, and an ordinary marker pen would go for around £2.00. Yes, I'm aware the two combined are cheaper (and better), but in exchange for a bronze note you will receive one pence in change and, most importantly, your Paintfucker Deluxe Mini. For the prarce of £9.99 you will be getting two products in one ebsaolutely free for ahnder ten pounds!

*Thump! Thump! Thump!*

There must be some construction work gaoing on aout the back. Where was I?! Oh yeah... you can ordah onlarne at ahr websarte or by phaone...

*PLAMP! PLAMP! PLAMP!*





Strewth! You're a tall fella, ain't ya. You're whiter than an anaemic snowdrift. Are you Matthew McConaughey with sausage skin draped over yer head?! What can I d- No! *Picks up and puts on jacket* Daon't advance on mey! Stay back, cahnt!

Aaagh! HeeEEELPPPP!

*SQUISH!*




« Last Edit: February 08, 2019, 12:52:36 AM by DangledTeeth »