The greatest thing you ever found

[touchingcloth]

A couple of weeks ago I found a working laser distance measured thing. You know, the kind estate agents use for measuring rooms without a tape measure. Pretty chuffed with that, I've got some big plans for what I can achieve with it.

Aged about fifteen and staying on a church youth group weekend away, we found some dirty stories which someone had printed off from the internet (you could tell it was from the internet because it was in MS Courier and had the URL printed at the top of every sheet) and jammed under the mattress. They were all oriented towards people with a fetish for unshaven pubes and bum stuff, with the most memorable part to me being that the author always referred to arseholes as "quoits". Phrases which have remained lodged in my memory for over a decade are "thick sperm dripping from her quoit" and "the earthy musk of her quoit". The printing was double sided and the pages had been stapled together for safekeeping.

When I was about 9 I found a folding knife by the river. It looked like this:



I don't know if it had been used in a murder or anything, but to this day it's the best thing I've ever found. Dad took it off me when I took it into school once, and I suspect he has been lovingly admiring it ever since as I once did.

[Sebastian Cobb]

A really grotesque pewter dragon in the hallway of my flat. Googled it at the time, some daft fucker paid about £80 for it at some point.

[ElTwopo]

Aged about fifteen and staying on a church youth group weekend away, we found some dirty stories

Better than finding God, I suppose

[mothman]

About twenty years ago, I was working on an IT support contract for one of the London boroughs. One afternoon I was in one of the council offices, and had to crawl under the desk to sort some cables or something. I'm not sure anymore how I spotted it, but stuck to the underside of the desk was a Post-It note. On it was written:

IT'S VERY LONELY UNDER HERE

Of course I asked, but nobody in that office owned up to doing it, or knowing who had.

[Flouncer]

The only thing I can think of is, once I was walking to my drug dealer's place to get ten quids worth of weed - when I was around 18-20 I'd always be skint and would walk about three miles to his place because I wouldn't have enough money for bus fares (I never knew anybody to get it off close to where I lived).  It was a windy day with leaves being whipped up, and as I walked down the street a tenner tumbled along in front of me and got stuck in a bush in front of someone's house. I picked it up and a woman who had seen said, "That was lucky!" I agreed and went off to the dealers, and got twenty quids worth instead of ten.

It's a lot better now, but that particular part of Sheffield was pretty rough at one stage. Quite often there would be police chases where little herberts had nicked cars. On another weed expedition, I was walking back from a different dealer's house late at night, and a car zoomed past me doing way over the speed limit. All of a sudden they slammed the anchors on, and three young lads threw the doors open and legged it into the park, leaving loud music pumping out into the night. Within seconds a police car pulled up, and a copper told me to go and walk a different way because the dog unit were on the way down.

A friend of mine who lived there had a real stroke of luck one night. He was walking home drunk from the pub and he came across a car that someone had crashed into a lamppost. He went to have a look and the passenger side window was smashed; the airbag had gone off and there was blood on it. As he looked through the broken window, he saw something in the footwell - it was a bag with an ounce of weed in it. He looked around to see if anybody was watching and pocketed it.

[Sherringford Hovis]

A peanut - just now.

[thraxx]

The nose cone of a Tornado GR1a.

[bgmnts]

"Earthy musk of her quoit" is quite something.

[biggytitbo]

A fat wallet full of cash. We were scared of it for a while, cos it was more money that we could have imagined as kids (I think was about £150 in around 1990)but eventually spent it all on megadrive games.


Sorry whoever that was in 1990 who lost all their money, but in fairness Mickey Mouse and the Castle of Illusion is a fucking great game isnt it?

[Twed]

Zippo lighter in the snow.

[touchingcloth]

"Earthy musk of her quoit" is quite something.

Isn't it just? I don't think anyone can blame me for it sticking in my memory for so long.

[Norton Canes]

True love

[Sebastian Cobb]

of course they've all got musky quoits by the time i've finished with 'em

[mothman]

Behind a bus stop in Newcastle, in about 1992, a pile of magazines. No, not that - they were Smash Hits issues, from the mid-eighties. All dry and in good condition, just dumped there. God knows why.

[Cuntbeaks]

Found £50 last night at the bottom of my street. I had just walked a mile uphill, in the freezing cold. Fair put a spring in my step.

[Bazooka]

Some lovely filth mags in a hollow tree stump with a couple of mates, like finding that ring for Fargoth in Morrowind, except this was 12 years or so before the game existed.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

When I was about 13 we were on a family trip down south somewhere. We stopped off at a layby to stretch our legs, and I went over to a field fence to have a piss. I looked down and there was a pristine copy of a porn magazine called Lippen Der Lust, presumably left there by a kindly lorry driver. I quickly stuffed it under my jumper and we continued on our journey. I had so many wanks on that holiday. So many, many wanks. I still think of that lorry driver as my guardian angel.

[ToneLa]

The beach ball channel on Sky

[Flouncer]

Haha! All these porny ones reminded me that my girlfriend found a polaroid of a titwank in the street when she was a kid.

[Buelligan]

I just found something weird on the road walking home.  In the dark, it looked like a cigar lit at both ends but burning blue rather than red but when I shone my torch on it, there was nothing there but when I switched off the torch, it was back.  I decided to leave it alone.  Maybe it was a tiny alien craft.  Maybe it was a new kind of porn.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Sounds like a malfunctioning cat's eye in the road. Or porn, yes.

[bgmnts]

I did once find a twenty pound note on the street with holes in it and some chinese letters or words. I don't know if it was an attempt at a forgery or what but it was fucking odd.

[darby o chill]

A load of amusing little bumps on my testicles.
I navigate a miniature Kinder egg racing car around them and imagine I'm playing Moon Patrol.
Wheeeee!

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Does the moon have green hills?

[darby o chill]

Does the moon have green hills?

*checks testicles under duvet with torch.... Yes!

[Bazooka]

Does the moon have green hills?

Yes it has a green hill zone, you can collect rings there, jump on novelty springs, and get extra lives.

[Cerys]

Also, it's made of cheese.

[Buelligan]

Sounds like a malfunctioning cat's eye in the road. Or porn, yes.

We don't have cat's eyes here.  All the roads are blind.

[Ferris]

What about the cats?

[madhair60]

I think I found the quoit story that got printed. Warning, NSFW or anywhere, really.

https://www.nifty.org/nifty/bisexual/urination/il-menu-marrone