Author Topic: Monogamy  (Read 1503 times)

KennyMonster

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #30 on: February 08, 2019, 05:54:33 AM »
The most loyal type of wood

Janie Jones

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #31 on: February 08, 2019, 08:35:42 AM »
To the people in this thread who say open relationships and polyamory work for them I say good, but watch the balance of power and how the relationship develops as your feelings deepen and life - moving in together, sharing financial responsibility, having kids, getting older, getting ill - gets in the way.
I've known a few polyamorous folk and can tell you that no matter how openly you've discussed it, and agreed that you'll both see other people, there are few lows that match the gut-churning desolation of waiting for the bus to your night shift or staying home in a stained tracksuit with a fretful baby or taking the meds that keep you alive but make you tired and slow, knowing that the person you love, all whizzy and excited, teeth flossed, best underwear on, is on their way to enjoy hot sex with someone else.

machotrouts

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #32 on: February 08, 2019, 09:17:01 AM »
Imagine inventing monogamy. Standing up in the office one day like "hey guys I've decided my wife can't have sex with anybody else for the rest of her life, I'm claiming exclusive rights to her fanny now, if I find any of you lot in there I'll be dead cross about it, proper raging." You'd be sent to jail for pioneering a new form of domestic abuse, tearfully insisting to your disbelieving lawyer that actually, it's totally consensual, just a weird-ass chastity kink you both have. Take it to Fetlife you fuckin sickos

Jerzy Bondov

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #33 on: February 08, 2019, 10:08:00 AM »
Fucking hell I can't even begin to imagine the amount of emotional labour that must be involved in maintaining a healthy romantic relationship with more than one person, just because you want to have a variety of fannies to stuff yourself into. Way too much work for very little reward. It's a pass from me.

Wet Blanket

  • I am the Colour Blind Dog-Thief
Re: Monogamy
« Reply #34 on: February 08, 2019, 10:11:31 AM »
Imagine inventing monogamy. Standing up in the office one day like "hey guys I've decided my wife can't have sex with anybody else for the rest of her life, I'm claiming exclusive rights to her fanny now, if I find any of you lot in there I'll be dead cross about it, proper raging." You'd be sent to jail for pioneering a new form of domestic abuse, tearfully insisting to your disbelieving lawyer that actually, it's totally consensual, just a weird-ass chastity kink you both have. Take it to Fetlife you fuckin sickos

As you get older you discover that relationships are much more about buying furniture and organising school-runs than exclusive rights debates over genitals, at which point polyamory seems much less appealing. It’s a young person’s game I reckon.

Jerzy Bondov

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #35 on: February 08, 2019, 10:14:55 AM »
Also, look, I'm really very good at sex and I enjoy it a great deal. Getting my nut in the company of a good looking woman! Lovely stuff. But it's not that good, is it?

Re: Monogamy
« Reply #36 on: February 08, 2019, 10:15:28 AM »
As a society we should be more accepting of those who are polyamorous, and let's be honest some of those parrots are really sexy.
Especially the ones who talk dirty.

Re: Monogamy
« Reply #37 on: February 08, 2019, 10:16:49 AM »
I think I've shagged some lovely lasses behind the back of every girl I've done been in a relationship with. That's unlikely to ever happen again, mind you.

imitationleather

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #38 on: February 08, 2019, 10:27:18 AM »
The idea of polyamory just makes me think of that bit when they try to have an orgy in Peep Show. Mark awkwardly prodding Sophie's breasts. That'd be me.

By this point I've had several monogamous relationships and my current one (which will have been "on the go" for five years in a few months, file fans) still seems to be going strong. I don't see any reason or feel any desire deep down to my dark black core to try anything else. Yeah, one of us could cheat/leave/be murdered at any point (you also left off the more obvious one now we're in to our thirties which is "be diagnosed with a horrible illness"). But any possible certainty in your life could collapse in an instant. It seems a bit a silly to write off the whole idea of monogamy because things may not go according to plan.

Fair enough for people who like their relationships a bit more complex and time-consuming, but I'm not moving to Portland if you pay me!

Re: Monogamy
« Reply #39 on: February 08, 2019, 10:36:52 AM »
I quite like Polyamory. Penny Pocket is one of my favourite characters.

Re: Monogamy
« Reply #40 on: February 08, 2019, 10:41:29 AM »
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZktA-uztV4


Rejoice, dear love, in Love's peremptory word;
All chance, all love, all logic, you and I,
Exist by grace of the Absurd,
And without conscious artifice we die:
O, lest we manufacture in our flesh
The lie of our divinity afresh,
Describe round our chaotic malice now,
The arbitrary circle of a vow. 

[...]

That this round O of faithfulness we swear
May never wither to an empty nought
Nor petrify into a square,
Mere habits of affection freeze our thought
In their inert society, lest we
Mock virtue with its pious parody
And take our love for granted, Love, permit
Temptations always to endanger it.

ToneLa

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #41 on: February 08, 2019, 10:54:50 AM »
I quite like Polyamory. Penny Pocket is one of my favourite characters.

Whats the story in Polyamory, wouldn't you like to know?
What's the story in Polyamory, where would you like to go?


DOGGING YOU DIRTY BOLLOCKS

Re: Monogamy
« Reply #42 on: February 08, 2019, 03:29:47 PM »
If you find the grain profile boring it's perfectly acceptable to consider a switch to something like Yew, Maple or Walnut



Captain Z

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #43 on: February 08, 2019, 03:44:46 PM »
You know, it's just occurred to me that at a quick glance someone could mistake this thread as being about the type of wood 'mahogany', as the spelling is quite similar!

ToneLa

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #44 on: February 08, 2019, 04:10:59 PM »
You know, it's just occurred to me that at a quick glance someone could mistake this thread as being about the type of wood 'mahogany', as the spelling is quite similar!

Unthinkable and ludicrous. I'd like to see that!!

Buelligan

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #45 on: February 08, 2019, 04:17:33 PM »
I think I've shagged some lovely lasses behind the back of every girl I've done been in a relationship with. That's unlikely to ever happen again, mind you.

Which is why people, like me, give up entirely on relationships.  Spending time being lied to is a waste of ones time.  I like you Lisa but I despise people who get what they want by lying.

Re: Monogamy
« Reply #46 on: February 08, 2019, 04:56:39 PM »
I don't know what to think really.

I certainly take a dim view of adultery, having experienced the emotional fallout that comes with it. Then again, what if a happily married person meets someone else with whom they genuinely have a stronger connection? A truly honest open relationship sounds like the healthiest option in theory but, as Janie Jones says above, I can't imagine that resentment wouldn't crop up at some point.

And how do platonic friendships fit into the equation? One of my friends is is a big sci-fi fan, but his wife has no interest in it whatsoever, which means he has to come to me to fulfil that particular need. Trivial example perhaps, but hopefully the point comes across.

Buelligan

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #47 on: February 08, 2019, 05:07:52 PM »
Everything's fine as long as everyone's in the picture and choosing for themselves.  Stuff goes wrong as soon as one of the parties is being coerced, forced, manipulated or deceived.  It's pretty simple. 

And, IMO, there's a special place in Hell for people who excuse their theft of other peoples' time (lives) and choices by saying what they don't know... 

Johnny Yesno

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #48 on: February 11, 2019, 03:23:52 PM »
To the people in this thread who say open relationships and polyamory work for them I say good, but watch the balance of power and how the relationship develops as your feelings deepen and life - moving in together, sharing financial responsibility, having kids, getting older, getting ill - gets in the way.
I've known a few polyamorous folk and can tell you that no matter how openly you've discussed it, and agreed that you'll both see other people, there are few lows that match the gut-churning desolation of waiting for the bus to your night shift or staying home in a stained tracksuit with a fretful baby or taking the meds that keep you alive but make you tired and slow, knowing that the person you love, all whizzy and excited, teeth flossed, best underwear on, is on their way to enjoy hot sex with someone else.

This sums up my lack of enthusiasm for polyamory. However, I think kittens has the solution.

thenoise

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #49 on: February 11, 2019, 03:45:48 PM »
Although it can be argued in some circles that monogamy is a social construct that became widespread with the rise of class society, I don't think neither monogamy nor polygamy/polyamory are "human nature".

I've known plenty of 'unconventional' folk, but never heard that one.  I would have thought it more likely the opposite, that the desire for less equal partnerships occurs due to more and more distinct differences in class and status between people - for example the 'leaders' take multiple spouses, as a share of their wealth/power is greater than the whole of another's, whereas the working poor may have to share several incomes in order to sustain a single household.

Some people have mentioned being comfortable with a girlfriend going out and shagging other men occasionally and being comfortable as long as she comes back to you - but what about if she decided to go steady with another guy for a bit?  What if you became the bit on the side that she used for sex when her main guy wasn't in the mood?  If you are only happy if she keeps it casual with other men, then your relationship also has boundaries enforced due to your insecurity, and in order to keep the relationship that you have worked hard to achieve, that are no more 'natural' than anyone else's.

Re: Monogamy
« Reply #50 on: February 11, 2019, 04:07:05 PM »
Because it's the best possible situation in which to raise children and is necessary for a stable society. 'But it requires hard work and commitment!' Yes, maintaining a stable society kind of does require that on a personal level.

Johnny Yesno

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Re: Monogamy
« Reply #51 on: February 11, 2019, 06:56:20 PM »
I've known plenty of 'unconventional' folk, but never heard that one.  I would have thought it more likely the opposite, that the desire for less equal partnerships occurs due to more and more distinct differences in class and status between people - for example the 'leaders' take multiple spouses, as a share of their wealth/power is greater than the whole of another's, whereas the working poor may have to share several incomes in order to sustain a single household.

Yes, I can't help thinking that the increasing acceptability of polyamory is as much down to economic necessity as it is tolerance of different lifestyles.

Quote
Some people have mentioned being comfortable with a girlfriend going out and shagging other men occasionally and being comfortable as long as she comes back to you - but what about if she decided to go steady with another guy for a bit?  What if you became the bit on the side that she used for sex when her main guy wasn't in the mood?  If you are only happy if she keeps it casual with other men, then your relationship also has boundaries enforced due to your insecurity, and in order to keep the relationship that you have worked hard to achieve, that are no more 'natural' than anyone else's.

On the other hand, if you can happily deal with that situation, then you have evolved beyond my limitations. Whether they are entirely a cultural construct or not, I would never be able to manage the feelings of jealousy that it would cause and the relationship would fall apart.

Is this what it's like to be old fashioned?

Re: Monogamy
« Reply #52 on: February 11, 2019, 10:55:25 PM »
I think polyamory makes sense in theory, but I've seen very few examples of it really working in practice.  Whether things like jealousy, ego or insecurity in relationships are social constructs or not, I don't think we're quite there yet as a society.

The term also gets misused a fair amount, at least in California where it's seen as a kind of "cool" thing to call yourself.  I've met people who say they're polyamorous because they have multiple sex partners, but nothing that could reasonably be considered a romantic relationship - that's just what we used to call being single and shagging about, I reckon.  I've also been in a relationship with someone who described themselves as "naturally polyamorous", and all it meant is that they wanted to take no responsibility for their own behavior - treating their lack of control as a kind of mental condition - whilst being incredibly possessive and overly-suspicious of me, even after we broke up.  That mentality seems to be common with other polyamorous couples I know - there's always a huge power imbalance.  It's usually one of them slootin' about whilst the other one quietly accepts it and doesn't seem willing or allowed to do the same.  Or they're swingers, which I don't think constitutes polyamory in the truest sense of the word.  Every man I've met who describes themselves as polyamorous has been either so unsuccessful that it really has no bearing on anything, or #MeToo levels of creepy.  I don't know if that's a coincidence.

I suppose it's not right to categorize too broadly, though.  Relationships are a spectrum which don't always neatly fall into "monogamous" or "polyamorous".  For instance, I know couples who aren't polyamorous but agree that they might occasionally falter and it won't destroy the relationship by default, and I myself am married to a woman who was formerly gay, so we've agreed that if she ever really gets the itch to have sex with a woman that the option is there (provided it's handled respectfully etc.)  I think finding even a very loving, long-term relationship where there has been absolutely no infidelity is probably exceedingly rare, which tells us something, but I don't think outright polyamory is the answer.