Author Topic: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)  (Read 2061 times)

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #30 on: February 08, 2019, 12:42:10 PM »
I've always used the term 'Ghostbusting' for those sordid times where you find yourself on your hands and knees searching for drug scraps. Friends have been known to start singing the theme to me when the madness starts.

Heartless gits. Like you need anyone taking the piss out of you when you're tweaking - you already know its a shameful situation - if you're a dedicated stoner you're well aware that you never drop any of the stuff when you're rolling (and if you ever do drop a bit you have that weird sixth sense that tells you instantly where it landed), that your roaches are the a pinnacle of structural engineering highly unlikely to fail under use and trap pockets of weed in the folds and that you're merely fooling yourself into believing that the ground holds all the answers, but it doesn't matter because there just might be half a but that you somehow misplaced that one single time you were really really high.

If I were you I'd set up an elaborate plot for the smug gits - hide away a nice bit of bud under the TV unit or something - just enough for a nice joint, then start the act as the night grows late and they've "shared" the rest of your stash with you. Pull it out as their twattery reaches its highest with a smug face and roll yourself a fat one right in front of them. When they inevitably start asking for a draw as you blow the rich smelling fumes of the only joint in the room in their faces simply reply "Oh, this? Naaw, just bits of carpet lint and dust - pure ghost weed, like you said - I'm just smoking it for the placebo effect."

 

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #31 on: February 08, 2019, 01:02:32 PM »
Do none of you fuckers own a hoover? Are your homes not also infested by suspicious lazy and hungry mice?

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #32 on: February 08, 2019, 01:09:53 PM »
I'm sitting at my desk eating peanut butter straight from the tub using my finger. Is that disgusting? It's delicious.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #33 on: February 08, 2019, 01:23:08 PM »
Do none of you fuckers own a hoover? Are your homes not also infested by suspicious lazy and hungry mice?

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #34 on: February 08, 2019, 01:35:16 PM »
Do none of you fuckers own a hoover? Are your homes not also infested by suspicious lazy and hungry mice?

B-but hoovers will suck up all the carpet ganje!

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #35 on: February 08, 2019, 01:47:12 PM »
I've always used the term 'Ghostbusting' for those sordid times where you find yourself on your hands and knees searching for drug scraps. Friends have been known to start singing the theme to me when the madness starts.

Got a right Slimer last night. Was well Winstoned

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #36 on: February 08, 2019, 02:10:52 PM »
I've mentioned this before on here, but at my works Christmas do, half cut in a busy club I got the sudden urge to do a shit.

So after emptying myself I noticed there wasn't any bog roll, the tube was already torn and on the floor next to what appeared to be a piss-covered paper hat out of a cracker. I quickly toyed with the idea of using my socks or pants to wipe my arse, but reasoned that they wouldn't flush and if I left them on the floor the next guy might pull me up about it (there was a queue). So I did something I'd never done before, I flushed the bog a couple of times, dipped my hand in the water at the bottom of the pan and washed my arse, turning the toilet into a makeshift bidet.

It felt like I was sitting on a wet teabag for an hour or so afterwards.

Cuellar

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #37 on: February 08, 2019, 02:12:46 PM »
Should have done a nude handstand in front of the hand dryer

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #38 on: February 08, 2019, 02:13:51 PM »
Should have done a nude handstand in front of the hand dryer

If I was comfortable enough doing that I could've washed my bum in the sink.

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #39 on: February 08, 2019, 02:39:25 PM »
Why didn't you use your finger nails you disgusting twat?

All bitten off

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #40 on: February 08, 2019, 02:40:30 PM »
If you aren't pissing in the sink, where are you doing it?

Edit: asking on behalf of an elderly relative.

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #41 on: February 08, 2019, 02:54:53 PM »
[tag]Don't mention Cumshit Mansions.[/tag]

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #42 on: February 08, 2019, 04:49:37 PM »
I'm sitting at my desk eating peanut butter straight from the tub using my finger. Is that disgusting? It's delicious.

This. Is a sickening display.

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #43 on: February 08, 2019, 05:08:30 PM »
This. Is a sickening display.

In many cultures it is fine to eat with ones hand, ya damn racist.

ToneLa

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #44 on: February 08, 2019, 05:09:59 PM »
If you aren't pissing in the sink, where are you doing it?

Edit: asking on behalf of an elderly relative.

Out the window.

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #45 on: February 08, 2019, 06:15:01 PM »
Searching the whole of the house for more cocaine at the end of a party, we found a couple of dropped rocks on the stair carpet. Turns out cat litter doesn’t half burn your fucking nose.

I was working in a completely empty house once, not a single item in the whole place, no toilet, no bin, nothing that could even pass for a makeshift receptacle, just four bare walls in every room. I hadn’t even bought any paint yet, so couldn’t even use a tin. And there were no pubs open that early. The only thing I had was the carrier bag with my lunch in, so out went the buttys and in went a shit.
I tied the bag and went out the front door to where the wheelie bin was to get rid but it was completely overflowing. And I didn’t like the idea of casually leaving a bag full of fresh, hot excrement on top of it right in front of the two neighbours who were stood next to it chatting.
So I had to walk to find the nearest bin, which happened to be about a five minute stroll away in the town centre. All I could think, as I crossed every road, was ‘don’t get run over’. Imagine bystanders rushing over to check on me, lying prone on the road, with a burst bag of human waste all over me. There’d be no context for that story. Luckily I got away with it, the drop-off went well and I went back to work. I’ll never forget being Mark Oaten for 10 minutes though.

Also on the subject, my mate put a small turd in his mates coffee and watched him drink it. Found out when he got to the bottom and never spoke to him again. Don’t blame him.

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #46 on: February 08, 2019, 06:23:49 PM »
It's a shame you can't get loperamide hydrochloride for the fucking schnozz

A lot of fans of The Fall tracking down their more obscure works tend to make this statement.

( This is the second time I've mentioned The Fall in this thread. I'm sorry. That's too much . )

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #47 on: February 08, 2019, 09:20:45 PM »
Also on the subject, my mate put a small turd in his mates coffee and watched him drink it. Found out when he got to the bottom and never spoke to him again. Don’t blame him.

"Mates", eh? Cuh! What are they like, etc etc

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #48 on: February 08, 2019, 09:29:15 PM »
Searching the whole of the house for more cocaine at the end of a party, we found a couple of dropped rocks on the stair carpet. Turns out cat litter doesn’t half burn your fucking nose.



I think the grimmest coke story I have is meeting a mate 'for a pint' on a Sunday and him spending the first two clucking, couldn't get his guy in, he eventually texted round his pals and found one with about half a gramme left and got him to drop it off. Then, being a shortarse, trying to sniff lines off the high sill in the lav, cowped the shitpan.

We went to another pub, and of course I had a couple of lines and then regretted it at work on Monday, but for fuck's sake.

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #49 on: February 08, 2019, 11:06:11 PM »
At least he didn’t drop it down the bog, that would have been even grimmer. First rule of pub drugs, always close the toilet lid. The amount of tight knots I’ve seen opened without a firm grip, the force sending the bag pinging out of their hands and straight down the shitter. Brings a tear to my eye thinking about it.

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #50 on: February 09, 2019, 12:06:18 AM »
I'm assuming pissing in the sink goes without saying, right?

Right guys.......?

....?

Not just guys....

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #51 on: February 09, 2019, 12:08:11 AM »

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #52 on: February 09, 2019, 02:03:32 AM »
Drank a can of lager that I'd been using as an ash tray. Fucking disgusting. Felt like I had little silver fish swimming around down my throat for about an hour after.

You drank it, on purpose?


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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #53 on: February 09, 2019, 02:08:54 AM »
Shat in a plastic bag.

Many times.

These ain't normal shits either, hence the urgency. Pure magma, Sunday style.

Brown magma.

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #54 on: February 09, 2019, 08:54:12 AM »
I drunkenly went into a random flat in a snowstorm and fell asleep on their sofa. Got caught by the owner when I decided to piss in the sink. I made my excuses.

alan nagsworth

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #55 on: February 09, 2019, 09:40:10 AM »
The most wanton widespread vomiting I've done would be around four years ago. The night before I'd been at a rave on a boat down the Thames and had polished off five or six pints of cider beforehand, and then, not wanting to arse about buying rounds with the ludicrous £15 minimum card spend on the boat, a bottle of sauvignon blanc, necked right from the bottle of course.

I had about three hours sleep and went to work the next day. Back then, my job solely consisted of conducting inventory or check out reports on rented properties, and that Saturday I had three jobs on.

First appointment was a massive five bed place in Fulham. The fucking landlord and the new tenants were there and they were all in high spirits and having a lovely chat in the kitchen. I held it together the best I could around them, but as soon as I was upstairs, I started to falter. This eventually culminated in me throwing up the morning's water consumption in the second floor ensuite toilet. I wiped my mush, finished my inspection and left. I didn't feel much better but I hoped it was over with.

Second appointment was a flat in Westminster somewhere. The tenant arrived when I did and told me he needed to leave on some errand, so I handed him the keys to his new home and said I'd pull the door shut on my way out. However it was only after he was long gone that I realised it was the sort of lock that needs to be operated from the outside in order to secure it. I couldn't lock the fucking door and I can't just leave a flat I'm acting responsible for, so I had to wait for the tenant to come back.

Of course, I fell asleep. Some two hours I was zonked out on this dude's sofa until I woke suddenly and realised I had to be sick. Now, I kid you not, the very moment I was hunched over that toilet bowl in the WC right next to the front door, the bloody tenant returned. I didn't have time to flush or owt and my breath probably stank, but nevertheless I came out, hastily explained why I was still there and made my exit. As I was talking to him I could feel the vomit rising in me again. It was a block of flats with those outdoor communal concrete stairs and I chucked my guts up all over them.

By this point, my boss had had to cancel his Saturday plans with his children and go and do my third appointment in my absence. He was livid. I felt absolutely dreadful, but I was glad I could just go home and end the nightmare. I got on the tube. I started to sweat. The motion of the carriage, ordinarily soothing to me, was beastly. I lasted about four or five stops and had to get off at Canary Wharf, where I chundered my final load round the side of an out of service escalator. Mercifully, I don't think anyone saw.

And that's the story of how I plastered south London in sick from the west to the east in a matter of hours.

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #56 on: February 09, 2019, 09:48:43 AM »
Good story. But all real men know it's not a true hangover until you're throwing up out of the window at the end of the tube carriage on a Monday morning while surrounded by commuters on their way to work.

That was the morning after my current missus and had first "got off with eachother" (puke, but not a literal one this time) and we were on the same train. I felt a bit awkward because I knew I liked her and I wanted to make a good impression so we'd hopefully see each other again. Amazingly, the sight of me vomitting out of a tube window didn't put her off and we've been together nearly five years now so maybe this is something all you single lads on here should give a try.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2019, 11:12:47 AM by imitationleather »

alan nagsworth

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #57 on: February 09, 2019, 10:54:49 AM »


Throwing up on the train is great, innit? Actually, after another boat party you and I both attended, I'd spewed into a carrier bag on a crowded tube and consequently projectile spewed out of the opening doors as people were getting ready to board.

A mutual beanpole friend of ours - let's say his name rhymes with "tin board" - chucked up the tube the other week after we won a Simpsons quiz and got hopelessly smashed with the bar tab prize.

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Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #58 on: February 09, 2019, 12:04:31 PM »
You drank it, on purpose?

No, so probably doesn't fit in the thread but it was disgusting.

This was intentional though...

At my nans and needed a piss one night. Didn't wanna wake her up by going to the toilet so pissed into a 2 ltr Pepsi bottle that was half full. Went to bed and forgot about it. A week later I was back round and I found it stuffed down the back of the couch. Opened it up and it stank so bad. Never smelled anything so bad in my life - it almost passed through to another sense. Decided I'd keep it there to show to my friends. For the next six months I'd open it up for anyone who came round and they'd get a whiff of this shit. Appalling stuff. If you took a big enough sniff it'd make you want to chuck up or at the very least make you feel like you needed a shit. And then one day I decided thatenough was enough and maybe I should actually respect the house I was in and get rid of it so when she was out I emtpied it. Down the fucking sink. What an idiot. The kitchen stank for about an hour after that. I had to open all the windows. The dog wouldn't come downstairs. Horrific.

Re: Grotesquos Extra (the "Examples of you being a disgusting twat" thread)
« Reply #59 on: February 09, 2019, 12:18:19 PM »
The most wanton widespread vomiting I've done would be around four years ago. The night before I'd been at a rave on a boat down the Thames and had polished off five or six pints of cider beforehand, and then, not wanting to arse about buying rounds with the ludicrous £15 minimum card spend on the boat, a bottle of sauvignon blanc, necked right from the bottle of course.

In my first year of university the campus shop did a bottle of buckfast for a fiver, but 3 for a tenner. we considered this a challenge.

One day I eat nothing but potato wedges and drank two botttles of the stuff, I woke up to find my basin full of purple mash.