Author Topic: I'm feeling down... really down  (Read 929 times)

I'm feeling down... really down
« on: February 11, 2019, 06:54:47 PM »
I'm not really a sociable person and even online I tend to keep my cards close to my chest, so this is a bit difficult for me to admit, but I really think that I might be losing it.

For personal reasons that I don't want to reveal I almost never go out of the house other than for quick trips to the shops. Going outside has always scared me and I'm more than happy to spend most of the day at the computer if I can. I like talking with people online because I can always hide my true self behind an avatar and I can brush off most awkwardness with silly jokes in a way I could never do in an actual conversation with a real person because I'm very socially awkward.

My personal life has allowed me to survive like this for decades and I've been happy with it up till now. But I'm reaching bloody thirty and I've become more and more bored of my lot in life in the recent months.

You always hear the same old thing from people "oh, just go out and meet new people" but I don't like outside and people scare me. I'm a ground-staring little wimp in real life, also very jealous and petty in my head  and I genuinely believe that no one would really enjoy my company. Sure, the drugs (weed, coke, copious amounts of drink) helped me with my confidence a few years back and I actually had what many would consider real friends, but I quit that stuff because it made me a dick to my family, and I was always jealous of what they [the friends] had when the effects faded.

I'm lonely and horribly scared of rejection, but also, deep down, totally understand why no one would be my friend because I'm not a nice person inside and I don't think I can change that - just hide it behind the mask of drugs and drink that make my family hate me instead. I don't even like myself but I've always felt this way and how the hell am I supposed to change the thoughts, my very nature as a conscious fucking being. Its driving me nuts.

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2019, 06:56:14 PM »
Have you tried pulling yourself together?

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2019, 06:58:47 PM »
Have you tried pulling yourself together?

That's what I'm trying to do you fucking pillock!

Rizla

  • That's not another knife - THIS is another knife!
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2019, 07:01:04 PM »
I'm reaching bloody thirty
OMG so sorry to hear this

chveik

  • one day a lemming will fly
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2019, 07:04:19 PM »
Have you tried pulling yourself together?

this joke isn't funny anymore

hamfist

  • Furry Asscandy
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2019, 07:06:58 PM »
Harley, buried in your post are the strongest words.

“I quit that stuff because it made me a dick to my family”

That’s iron.

I want to write more to you, and I will try to but not off the cuff here as I want to think a lot first. There are lovely compassionate people here who will also have wise words. I used to be very shy and shut inside myself. I had to take some very big steps to get out of it.

Hang in there, you have more strength than most even if you don’t feel like that, you can build on that. I’ll pop in here again after I had a think about how to talk about the experiences which helped me..

Pingers

  • With the ill behaviour
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2019, 07:09:18 PM »
Sounds like quite severe social anxiety or autism to me, or both. Obviously it might not be either of those things, but the reason I mention them is that many people think these kinds of feelings are "just them", when something else is going on. Predictably, the first advice to usually give someone in these situations is "go and see your GP". Sometimes the GP is great, really helpful. Sometimes they're a waste of time. But you won't know if you don't go.

If it's any help, the two people I know who have the lowest opinion of themselves have severe anxiety. And they are both lovely people who I genuinely enjoy being with, but who think they are nothing and that no-one likes them despite all the evidence to the contrary. It's like they have some kind of filter that screens out any positive inputs.

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2019, 07:10:56 PM »
Harley, buried in your post are the strongest words.

“I quit that stuff because it made me a dick to my family”

That’s iron.

I want to write more to you, and I will try to but not off the cuff here as I want to think a lot first. There are lovely compassionate people here who will also have wise words. I used to be very shy and shut inside myself. I had to take some very big steps to get out of it.

Hang in there, you have more strength than most even if you don’t feel like that, you can build on that. I’ll pop in here again after I had a think about how to talk about the experiences which helped me..

Thanks, thought I'd made a mistake posting this, but if even one person can offer some heartfelt advice I'd appreciate it :)

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2019, 07:11:31 PM »
That's what I'm trying to do you fucking pillock!

I'm sorry. If it helps, i'm going through the same thing really but I have no real answers so shitty jokes seem best option.

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2019, 07:19:17 PM »
I'm sorry. If it helps, i'm going through the same thing really but I have no real answers so shitty jokes seem best option.

I'm sorry, too. I do exactly the same thing.

ToneLa

  • I don't have to dip fishsticks in shit(literally)
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2019, 07:20:31 PM »
Don't apply pressure to yourself. It's okay to be down. And I don't go out much lately. Cause it's fuckin horrible out and a lot of people are just not going to solve anything for you.

Feel how you feel and try not to feel guilty

Rizla

  • That's not another knife - THIS is another knife!
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2019, 07:28:24 PM »
Sorry, I wasn't meaning to be glib. It's shite being depressed whatever your age.  But I'd argue there's fuck all worth going out for this time of year, so why not stay in and read. If you've not read it I'd recommend "Keep the Aspidistra Flying" or anything along those lines. Wallow.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Mountain mate
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #12 on: February 11, 2019, 07:34:07 PM »
Without knowing what keeps you indoors it's difficult to know what to say other than perhaps seek advice from someone you trust or the appropriate qualified person.

And of course keep going, find a few things you can lose yourself in.

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #13 on: February 11, 2019, 07:34:54 PM »
Sounds like quite severe social anxiety or autism to me, or both. Obviously it might not be either of those things, but the reason I mention them is that many people think these kinds of feelings are "just them", when something else is going on. Predictably, the first advice to usually give someone in these situations is "go and see your GP". Sometimes the GP is great, really helpful. Sometimes they're a waste of time. But you won't know if you don't go.

If it's any help, the two people I know who have the lowest opinion of themselves have severe anxiety. And they are both lovely people who I genuinely enjoy being with, but who think they are nothing and that no-one likes them despite all the evidence to the contrary. It's like they have some kind of filter that screens out any positive inputs.

Yeah I've been considering phoning the GP about this for a while, it might sound silly but asking on here for ideas felt like the less awkward option, but considering you've suggested something I've considered I feel a bit more confident about doing it.

Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #14 on: February 11, 2019, 07:48:50 PM »
How are things between you and your family now you've knocked the drink and drugs on the head?

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #15 on: February 11, 2019, 07:53:05 PM »
How are things between you and your family now you've knocked the drink and drugs on the head?

Well I'm not stoned, pissed or hungover whenever they see me, but I also spend much less time with them because of the whole not going out thing. On the drink and drugs I was unreliable and short tempered and probably worrying them with my lifestyle, but without them I'm a disembodied voice on the phone who has nothing new to talk about.

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #16 on: February 11, 2019, 08:02:08 PM »
Sorry, I wasn't meaning to be glib. It's shite being depressed whatever your age.  But I'd argue there's fuck all worth going out for this time of year, so why not stay in and read. If you've not read it I'd recommend "Keep the Aspidistra Flying" or anything along those lines. Wallow.

I'm a complete bookworm. Currently re-reading the Brentford Trilogy by Robert Rankin, shelves full of Stephen King books and Wilbur Smith (before he got a bit crap in his old age and started relying on ghost writers so much) a Kindle full of Simon Scarrow and about fifty other authors writing everything from cringy independent splatterpunk horror to great sci-fi like the Expanse (although they get a bit shit later on in the series). Oh and a big collection of Formula One magazines that I bought in bulk a few years back and like to read in the bath. When I'm not reading I'm playing on the Xbox or PC or just posting on various forums whilst watching any old crap that comes up on YouTube (like I am now).

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #17 on: February 11, 2019, 08:08:18 PM »
I think you should try and get to the doctor or more realistically see if you can get a home visit. Alternatively, some areas have organisations (like Self Help in the North West) where you can have phone counselling or even some online help. Keep checking in on here too. Even the posters that I can't fucking stand are generally decent, caring empathic people and we'll do our best to help.

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2019, 08:16:20 PM »
Harley, I can't offer you any advice, but it may be of some comfort to know that I'm going through pretty much the same thing.
Social life non-existant for about the last 6 years, I live online, massive social anxiety, turning 30 next year, and the inescapable worry that I'm not good and nobody truly likes me.
The only difference is a lack of urgency on my part to do anything about it.

I can never quite decide whether I'm comforted by the fact there are so many others like me, or if it just adds to my feeling of hopelessness.
But I've written this now so I might as well post it.

mothman

  • I don't know why
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #19 on: February 11, 2019, 08:19:48 PM »
Whereabouts are you based, H_Q? Because in my experience, like rats, you're never far from a Cabber, and while few of us are qualified therapists, sometimes a friendly face and an attentive ear is, if nothing else, a good start.

Glebe

  • So here we are, then.
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2019, 08:34:12 PM »
I know the feeling, Harley. I only stepped out the door today to pop to the shops... is there anything you enjoy that would involve being out and about, like going for a walk, to the pictures, art museum etc.? If you're feeling depressed I would suggest maybe talking to your GP and perhaps contacting a counsellor. In any case, I hope things pick up for you. Oh, and I would try and cut back on those substances too, if you can.

massive bereavement

  • Representation mingles with what it represents
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #21 on: February 11, 2019, 08:59:04 PM »
Christ, is everybody pretending to be me today then?

I was in a right old state of despair in the three months leading up to new year. I'm already diagnosed as a proper mentalist, which is a nice excuse when I need it, just to be able to tell myself "You can't help being the way you are you twat", but I'm starting to think the universe itself must feel like killing itself half the time, in which case what can we possibly do to escape this sensation? How many people really fucking make it? Maybe you can suffer so much that you come out the other side once and for all, but that still requires you suffer in life.

DolphinFace

  • Put it in me
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #22 on: February 11, 2019, 09:00:35 PM »
Nothing to add except, earlier in the new year, I hit a huge low and finally seriously considered seeing the doctor about my increasing anxiety.

I was at a new years eve house party and felt horrendously alone. After midnight all the couples started dancing but I fucking hate dancing and refused to. It crippled me and I spent the next two weeks spiralling into a deep depression.

I've always been socially anxious despite having a few friends, getting on with people at work and having a wife and child. If anything being part of this circle forces me to confront my anxieties more than I'd like. Even going to children's parties and having to chat with other parents fucks me up.

I dug myself out of the pit by beginning an intense diet and exercise regime and I've got weekly and monthly goals. I'm loving having a bit of personal ambition beyond just satisfying those around me by forcing myself to be something I'm not. It's worked wonders for my esteem feeling like I'm achieving something.

I also plan on starting to read more. I've never read much and it plays on my mind that I'm a cultural philistine. I don't get much spare time but usually spend it browsing here, wanking and doing the washing up. Now, the television never goes on, I've bought a Kindle and I'm just gonna read a book a week. I think using my time to enrich rather than just waste is doing wonders for my self worth.

I'd say if there's any sense that you're in a monotonous rut, then work on being more productive even if it's just small things. Even if it's just joining tinder which might force you to brush your hair or something. This is shit advice but it seems to be working for me and I even felt relaxed going to someone's house for coffee today.

Small Man Big Horse

  • Member
  • **
  • Writers wanted for comedy website, pls click below
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #23 on: February 11, 2019, 09:10:30 PM »
I'm really sorry to hear this Harley, and everyone else who's in a similar predicament. I've been there too and every time the one regret I've had is not seeking help earlier, the NHS isn't perfect but I've got help in the end which has really changed my life. And if things are really serious don't be frightened of spending time in hospital, I was in a psychiatric one for three weeks last year and it did me the world of good and the nurses were fucking hot too. There's no reason to tell anyone about such a thing that you don't want to, and it certainly hasn't harmed my employment prospects either, indeed on that front I'm finally in a better place than I have been in over a decade.

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #24 on: February 11, 2019, 09:13:48 PM »

Listen, I think a really rousing sing along of Millenium by Robbie Williams could be just the thing to turn this round.  For us all...

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Mountain mate
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #25 on: February 11, 2019, 09:30:36 PM »
Listen, I think a really rousing sing along of Millenium by Robbie Williams could be just the thing to turn this round.  For us all...

I laughed

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #26 on: February 11, 2019, 09:37:31 PM »
Thanks everyone for posting. I genuinely appreciate it and feel more motivated to actually do something about it instead of wallowing in self pity. I didn't expect to see so many people willing to offer a kind word or advice and certainly not so many who have been or are currently in the same boat as I am right now. There's a lot of nice people on here and I'm sorry if I haven't personally replied to all of your posts, but I have been reading them all and calling my GP seems to be the most across-the-board advice offered, so I'll be doing that first thing tomorrow morning when I get up and I'll see where it goes from there.

I'm feeling a bit emotionally exposed from all this right now, so if you don't mind I'm going to quickly slip back into the "joking to hide crippling insecurity" mode and let you all know that I hold all of you personally responsible if this advice leads to me being chained to a gurney and chewing on a bit of old boot leather whilst suffering daily mandatory treatments of ECT in the next few days.

Seriously though, thanks :) I'm off to bed.

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #27 on: February 11, 2019, 09:44:18 PM »
I'm a ground-staring little wimp in real life, also very jealous and petty in my head

Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps other people, inside their heads, aren't quite as nice as they seem?

I've often thought that if people knew my inner thoughts, nobody would ever speak to me again.  Including my mum.  I try to only think nice and charitable things  about other people, but fail all the time.

Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #28 on: February 11, 2019, 09:46:16 PM »
What do you do for money ?

ToneLa

  • I don't have to dip fishsticks in shit(literally)
Re: I'm feeling down... really down
« Reply #29 on: February 11, 2019, 09:54:38 PM »
What do you do for money ?

Anything u want babe just no kissing