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People who think it's ok to fart in front of you

Started by holyzombiejesus, February 12, 2019, 12:21:31 PM

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petril

joke's on them, I have a minimal sense of smell

Camp Tramp

I know some performance flatulists. Admittedly my own expressions of disgust fuel their displays but I'm working on it.

What was worse was my colleague who deliberately sneezed on my keyboard, while smearing the rest of the gunk over his face. He looked like Space Hitler from The Tomorrow People.

Emma Raducanu

Anyone who drinks whey protein shakes will tell you that in the initial stages it messes your guts right up. Not only does it promote stomach rumbling farts but they fucking stink like death itself.

Luckily I've passed this stage. It was getting boring needing to fart at work every 5 minutes and go for a walk while doing it to avoid contaminating the immediate area with gut wrenching stench.

Replies From View

Some social workers mostly teach pensioners how to fart.

thenoise

Quote from: Camp Tramp on February 12, 2019, 08:36:54 PM
I know some performance flatulists.

I only know of Mr Methane. Don't tell me more than one person gets paid to fart along to Clare du Lune then blow out a candle with a powdered rear end. Although according to Breadcrumb Trail, at least one of the members of asking had the ability as showcased in the (sadly) unreleased Anal breathing demo tape.

Sebastian Cobb

[tag]sorry, i didn't realise it was your turn[/tag]

Bum Flaps

re. Mr Methane.
I can vouch for the guffthenticity of that lanky green sphincter artiste after seeing at least three of his 'gigs' ... no hidden gas pipes, just the one true duct, employed with maximum effect.

PowerButchi


Buelligan

My mum was a lovely elegant lady, elegant like a saluki or a poised racehorse, tall and slender as a moonbeam and erudite too but she would let some rippers go that would frighten the horses and then laugh like a banshee.  Oh, they're funny alright.

Blue Jam

I once had a friend whose boyfriend did really disgusting "silent but violent" farts and thought it was hilarious to drop them at random intervals when we were in the pub. He'd suddenly start grinning at everyone and just as you'd figured out why the smell would hit you. I left the pub early a few times because of his behaviour and in the end I just stopped hanging out with them- there were other reasons besides the farting but it certainly didn't make me want to hang about.

He was also very fond of announcing his toilet visits and giving us all a post-match analysis. How the fuck do people end up like this, and how the fuck do they survive in polite society?

Blue Jam

Quote from: DolphinFace on February 12, 2019, 08:51:36 PM
Anyone who drinks whey protein shakes will tell you that in the initial stages it messes your guts right up. Not only does it promote stomach rumbling farts but they fucking stink like death itself.

Seriously? I haven't noticed this effect at all, but I also don't consume them in seriously huge quantities.

Jerusalem fartichokes are the worst. They have a great texture and taste bloody lovely but there's a reason why chefs use them sparingly.

Flouncer

Quote from: Blue Jam on February 13, 2019, 09:55:36 AMJerusalem fartichokes are the worst. They have a great texture and taste bloody lovely but there's a reason why chefs use them sparingly.

My girlfriend and I picked some wild garlic a couple of years ago. It was fine for cooking but it caused some major flatulence issues.

pancreas

Quote from: Blue Jam on February 13, 2019, 09:51:31 AM
He was also very fond of announcing his toilet visits and giving us all a post-match analysis. How the fuck do people end up like this, and how the fuck do they survive in polite society?

mate.



Blue Jam

Are you suggesting that CaBbers are normal, functioning members of polite society?

pancreas

Well, it's just that I'm surprised you can stand the stench of the virulent faecophilia on display here.

Replies From View

Quote from: Blue Jam on February 13, 2019, 12:08:12 PM
Are you suggesting that CaBbers are normal, functioning members of polite society?

Farting is a bodily function you know.

Replies From View

Quote from: pancreas on February 13, 2019, 03:53:09 PM
Well, it's just that I'm surprised you can stand the stench of the virulent faecophilia on display here.

Farts are not shits you realise.

Blue Jam

Quote from: pancreas on February 13, 2019, 03:53:09 PM
Well, it's just that I'm surprised you can stand the stench of the virulent faecophilia on display here.

I can't actually smell the stench on here, that's the big difference.

Replies From View

Quote from: Blue Jam on February 13, 2019, 04:24:26 PM
I can't actually smell the stench on here, that's the big difference.

You need to lean in closer, and then do what Buelligan admits she does with dog's anuses which is huff deeply until her lungs are packed with rectal vapours.

pancreas

It's one thing that Buelligan does this, quite another that she admits it. Imagine all the things she doesn't admit.

I feel sorry for couples who can't fart in front of each other. If you've never gone up to your significant other and said "hey, did you hear something" and then released a cackling air hen into the room what the hell are you doing in your relationship?

Replies From View

Quote from: pancreas on February 13, 2019, 04:34:05 PM
It's one thing that Buelligan does this, quite another that she admits it. Imagine all the things she doesn't admit.

She probably doesn't do anything she doesn't admit.  I suspect she just hasn't got around to admitting to them.

Sherringford Hovis

I am actually required to fart by my employer. After exposure to high temperatures and/or prolonged PPE encapsulation, ripping off a gusty bottom-burp or ten plus dunking one's forearms in a bucket of cold water lessens the severity of hyperthermia.

Buelligan

Does he film it?  I BET HE DOES HOVIS THE DIRTY OLD BOLLOCKS. I BET HE FUCKING DOES.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Imagine being able to produce farts of such distinction that you could charge people to bear witness to them.

How much would you charge though?

My thoughts:

Silent but violent: 50p, £1.50 if witness passes out
Wet parp: 10p
Elongated flatulence: £2 a guff

Buelligan


TrenterPercenter

I remember when I worked with this lady who was a proud outed albeit young and naivish feminist  (at the time she is a total boss now) and that Bridget Christie was doing her skits about girls farting for feminism.

So she went about dropping her bat in the office for a couple of months against the patriarchy or rather making her non-oppressive colleagues smell her farts.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: Buelligan on February 13, 2019, 10:12:46 PM
I hope you'd cover your costs.

I'd need a dog clearance assistant to ensure the uproarious thunder of my flatulence is not upstaged by some canine gastric colossus.

Lost Oliver

When we're fully able to replicate things like farts and general smells in a virtual environment, like we do at the minute with sight, some people are going to really abuse it.  Can you imagine sending a fart to your mate via your phone.

New notification! Sweet! Ooh, and it's a smell note... better pop on the smelling mask...and open notification... oh Christ! John! Can you please stop doing that it's disgusting.

And of course you'll be able to send stuff like this to strangers, anonymously too.

St_Eddie

Quote from: Lost Oliver on February 14, 2019, 09:39:43 AM
When we're fully able to replicate things like farts and general smells in a virtual environment, like we do at the minute with sight, some people are going to really abuse it.  Can you imagine sending a fart to your mate via your phone.

New notification! Sweet! Ooh, and it's a smell note... better pop on the smelling mask...and open notification... oh Christ! John! Can you please stop doing that it's disgusting.

And of course you'll be able to send stuff like this to strangers, anonymously too.

It must be said that Charlie Brooker is getting a bit desperate for new ideas, in regards to the latest series of Black Mirror.