Why are we such awful cunts?

[Shit Good Nose]

Before I go any further, let me first apologise for this post.  It's basically a "fuck it" rhetorical post, and I wouldn't normally talk about something like this on a forum, but the rest of my immediate team colleagues are in meetings and on leave, and all of my mates' (at least the ones I would normally talk to about stuff like this) phones are going straight to voicemail, but I just need to offload this...


As some of you know, I work in a public sector office, half of which is hot desks frequented by social workers.  The particular social workers who come in here work with special educational needs and vulnerable children, from birth up to the age of 18.  Naturally we overhear all sorts of stuff – good and bad – but this morning's events have REALLY got to me (I've already had to scurry off twice to the disabled toilet to have a good cry).

Long story short, I was in early this morning – just before 8 – and came in to see and hear one of the social workers on the phone.  Basically a young mother had taken some sort of drug and I don't know if it was an overdose or what, but it made her go nuts and throw stuff (including knives and drinking glasses) at her partner (it was later revealed in other conversations that there is a history of spousal abuse [in this case her getting violent with him]).  Her partner was on the phone to the police at the same time as the police were on the phone to this social worker and, after the blowing up at her partner, took their daughter and had a steak knife to her throat and was threatening to kill her.  One of the other social workers came into the office armed with a car seat and they went off with a third social worker, I presume to remove the daughter from the situation, whilst the original social worker stayed on the phone with the police.

Anyway, the two social workers have not long got back, with an empty child seat.  Turns out that in between them leaving here and arriving at the house, the mother had basically smothered and suffocated the daughter (I don't know if it was intentional or not), who was dead by the time the social workers got there.  The daughter was apparently just over a year old, so would have been all too aware of what was going on and would have died frightened and in terrible pain.


Some of you will remember that I used to be...cold-hearted is the wrong term to use, but perhaps emotionally detached with stuff like this.  Such an event would illicit sympathy for sure, but also an effective "shit happens" shrug of the shoulders.  Since having a daughter of our own, however, empathy has come into it as well and I now just really struggle when harm is done to anyone incapable of defending themselves.  When Operation Ouch (which Little Nose enjoys watching) is on CBBC and they speak to a young child with cancer, I can't handle it.  Just does me in.  I know social workers and authorities drop the ball sometimes, but I honestly don't know how they cope.  Must take a very special kind of person to deal with shit like this day in day out, knowing full well that at least half the cases won't have a happy ending.


Anyway, off to the gym now to help work this off.  No doubt the first thing I see when I get in there is an advert on TV about homeless 6 year olds dying in the street after years of sexual abuse...

Carry on.

[holyzombiejesus]

Shit, that's fucking horrible.

[bgmnts]

Man.

[imitationleather]

My God. Was not expecting the OP to pan out like that at all.

Horrendous.

[kngen]

Before I go any further, let me first apologise for this post.  It's basically a "fuck it" rhetorical post, and I wouldn't normally talk about something like this on a forum, but the rest of my immediate team colleagues are in meetings and on leave, and all of my mates' (at least the ones I would normally talk to about stuff like this) phones are going straight to voicemail, but I just need to offload this...


As some of you know, I work in a public sector office, half of which is hot desks frequented by social workers.  The particular social workers who come in here work with special educational needs and vulnerable children, from birth up to the age of 18.  Naturally we overhear all sorts of stuff – good and bad – but this morning's events have REALLY got to me (I've already had to scurry off twice to the disabled toilet to have a good cry).

Long story short, I was in early this morning – just before 8 – and came in to see and hear one of the social workers on the phone.  Basically a young mother had taken some sort of drug and I don't know if it was an overdose or what, but it made her go nuts and throw stuff (including knives and drinking glasses) at her partner (it was later revealed in other conversations that there is a history of spousal abuse [in this case her getting violent with him]).  Her partner was on the phone to the police at the same time as the police were on the phone to this social worker and, after the blowing up at her partner, took their daughter and had a steak knife to her throat and was threatening to kill her.  One of the other social workers came into the office armed with a car seat and they went off with a third social worker, I presume to remove the daughter from the situation, whilst the original social worker stayed on the phone with the police.

Anyway, the two social workers have not long got back, with an empty child seat.  Turns out that in between them leaving here and arriving at the house, the mother had basically smothered and suffocated the daughter (I don't know if it was intentional or not), who was dead by the time the social workers got there.  The daughter was apparently just over a year old, so would have been all too aware of what was going on and would have died frightened and in terrible pain.


Some of you will remember that I used to be...cold-hearted is the wrong term to use, but perhaps emotionally detached with stuff like this.  Such an event would illicit sympathy for sure, but also an effective "shit happens" shrug of the shoulders.  Since having a daughter of our own, however, empathy has come into it as well and I now just really struggle when harm is done to anyone incapable of defending themselves.  When Operation Ouch (which Little Nose enjoys watching) is on CBBC and they speak to a young child with cancer, I can't handle it.  Just does me in.  I know social workers and authorities drop the ball sometimes, but I honestly don't know how they cope.  Must take a very special kind of person to deal with shit like this day in day out, knowing full well that at least half the cases won't have a happy ending.


Anyway, off to the gym now to help work this off.  No doubt the first thing I see when I get in there is an advert on TV about homeless 6 year olds dying in the street after years of sexual abuse...

Carry on.

That's fucking horrible. Hopefully there is someone in your work that can help you access some counselling, even just for a little bit. My partner worked in CPS for years and still suffers from PTSD because of grim stuff like this. You might think that you don't necessarily qualify for such things as you weren't directly involved, but secondary trauma is a real thing, and should be addressed.

(And yes, these events hit you a million times worse when you have kids of your own, don't they? Heartwrenching.)

[Kelvin]

Thought that was gonna be about a manager stealing his stapler for the third time.

Jesus wept.

[Buelligan]

I'm sorry that you're upset.  It's horrendous.  Not sure you should put those details on line though.  I don't think you need to include the details for your post to remain relevant.

[The Lurker]

Jesus, certainly wasn't expecting that. Awful.

[Pingers]

It's horrible shit and of course it affects you, and it affects you worse if you have kids of your own because your empathy kicks in. Look after yourself SGN, and also ask what your employer is going to do to help look after you and your colleagues. The human psyche (psychopaths excepted) isn't equipped to adequately deal with this shit, that's why there is PTSD. It's not possible to not let this stuff affect you, and to be able to process it and survive and keep going in work like that, people need to do something with the shit. Going to the gym sounds helpful, but I hope there are other things on offer. Take care, be thankful for your little 'un, look after yourself.

[earl_sleek]

I'm sorry that you're upset.  It's horrendous.  Not sure you should put those details on line though.  I don't think you need to include the details for your post to remain relevant.

I agree - although it's a horrible situation and I can understand the need to discuss it with someone (someone upthread mentioned counselling, and it's definitely worth seeing if your workplace can help you access this or some other form of employee assistance), the amount of detail you've gone into could potentially be considered breaching confidentiality. Perhaps take out some of the details - I would hate for you to get in trouble yourself over this.

[Shit Good Nose]

I'm sorry that you're upset.  It's horrendous.  Not sure you should put those details on line though.  I don't think you need to include the details for your post to remain relevant.

I agree - although it's a horrible situation and I can understand the need to discuss it with someone (someone upthread mentioned counselling, and it's definitely worth seeing if your workplace can help you access this or some other form of employee assistance), the amount of detail you've gone into could potentially be considered breaching confidentiality. Perhaps take out some of the details - I would hate for you to get in trouble yourself over this.

Partly knee-jerk in-the-heat-of-the-moment keyboard diarrhea, partly intentional as catharsis, because the detail is particularly what upsets me.

Whited the text instead of deleting. 


We have in-house staff trained as counselors, which I didn't realise until your posts alerted me to the possibility.  One of them's taking me out for a cuppa in a bit, so thanks for that.

[Buelligan]

My concern is purely that someone connected with the family or victim might come into possession of details that will haunt or damage them. 

I know when my friends died, they died horrifically and for some reason I don't fully understand, I couldn't stop myself googling them every few minutes for weeks after their deaths.  I know what happened to them was horrific but I'm glad I never found specific details because, I'm sure, even though I looked for them, if I'd found them, my difficulties in overcoming that event would've been substantially greater.

It's not something people tend to think about but it is a thing.

[Shit Good Nose]

I get that, but I think my post is vague enough - I've done some logical Google searches and CaB doesn't pop up.

Please understand, Buellers, that writing about it here is helping me MASSIVELY with processing it.

Like I said, I wouldn't normally do it and I'd have other avenues, it's just right now and today I don't...

[Norton Canes]

Thought that was gonna be about a manager stealing his stapler for the third time.

Jesus wept

I was wondering why anyone would arm themselves with a car seat. Admittedly it has some defensive value. 

[Shit Good Nose]

Thought that was gonna be about a manager stealing his stapler for the third time.

Jesus wept.

Staplers are contraband in this office, as are post-it notes.

Oddly staple removers are okay.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I wish I knew what to say to help SGN, it's a horrific fucked up situation and then some. But I'd go along with others when suggesting asking for help, I know I couldn't cope in such a situation without needing it.

[Shit Good Nose]

I wish I knew what to say to help SGN, it's a horrific fucked up situation and then some. But I'd go along with others when suggesting asking for help, I know I couldn't cope in such a situation without needing it.

Don't worry SMBH - not much anyone can say to that.  Like I said, primarily catharsis for me in the absence of being able to do anything else.


Just back from a cuppa with one of the work counselors, who also happens to be a social worker (albeit working with adults).  Mainly just listened and let me get it out.  I cried again.  Suggested some coping exercises, which were the same as those I learnt in a wellness course a few years ago.  Also suggested spending time with family and friends - no problem there as Little Nose will be running up to me the second I walk through the door.

Main thing he said was if a similar thing happens in future (knowing that some of his colleagues hot desk in my office) I should removed myself and move to a different office.  Problem with that is I'm a dedicated desk and desktop PC user, so I can't really hot-desk like most others.  Anyway, cross that bridge if and when I get to it.

I'm fine now.

[dex]

Glad there was someone there at work you could offload to -no one should have to struggle through these things alone. As everyone else has said that is a really messed up situation you described. Grim.

[hummingofevil]

I get that, but I think my post is vague enough - I've done some logical Google searches and CaB doesn't pop up.

Please understand, Buellers, that writing about it here is helping me MASSIVELY with processing it.

Like I said, I wouldn't normally do it and I'd have other avenues, it's just right now and today I don't...

There was a paramedic on the radio the other day who said they always thought they were invincible and after a single incident they went how that night knowing that something was different mentally and they never went back. PTSD triggered by single event after years of dealing with worst shit imaginable.

That is utterly bleak that story so seek advice and look after yourself and anyone around you.

[Shit Good Nose]

I still can't fathom how people can deal with it all the time.  I mean they blatantly do and for the good, but fucking hell...

And I was just a casual audio observer.

[Pingers]

My concern is purely that someone connected with the family or victim might come into possession of details that will haunt or damage them. 

I know when my friends died, they died horrifically and for some reason I don't fully understand, I couldn't stop myself googling them every few minutes for weeks after their deaths.  I know what happened to them was horrific but I'm glad I never found specific details because, I'm sure, even though I looked for them, if I'd found them, my difficulties in overcoming that event would've been substantially greater.

It's not something people tend to think about but it is a thing.

I can see where you're coming from, but there will be a Serious Case Review that will be published. I don't think SGN has disclosed anything that won't make its way into the public domain at some point.