Do you have any mates in the slammer?

[Buelligan]

I think one of my school mates ended up in an army prison for being pissed out of his tree on parade and when caught telling the Sgt Major to fuck off. Just as a lesson/to sober up type thing.

He later narrowly avoided it because he'd stolen a doctors pad and was fraudulently signing himself off sick via fax.

I once liberated a police officer's folder one of the big blue plastic ones (it contained loads of useful forms for things like having to produce your documents at a station).  I don't think I made as much use of it as I probably ought to have.  But still, I made the effort.

[SpiderChrist]

Small and twatty crimes, part er something.

Aged 14, me and my mate ended up in a cell for hacking the heads off flowers with a knife while stoned. The knife was for fishing, but we weren't fishing, and the flowers we so horribly beheaded were right outside a hotel in our home town on the Isle of Wight. Grassed up by a cunt resident of the hotel (who witnessed the vile act from the comfort of the hotel dining room) we were apprehended by Johnny Law while playing on machines in a nearby amusement arcade, held in the cells for three hours in order to put the wind up us, and then returned home in a police car, much to the amusement of our curtain-twitching neighbours.


Funnily enough, my mate became a dealer and I understand he subsequently spent some time inside for assaulting his then-pregnant girlfriend.

[Emma Raducanu]

I honestly dread going to prison more than death. I have a friend who attempted breaking up a racially motivated fight and ended up punching an off duty police officer. He spent the night in a cell along with everyone else. According to him, if he gets in trouble one more time, he could be deported so as a resolution he no longer goes out at night.

[ArtParrott]

My mum spent the best part of a day in a local nick cell back in the 90s when she walked out of a corner shop near her then workplace with small bottle of whiskey that she forgot she pocketed (because here hands were full with other bits and bobs) and didn't pay for.  Even though the rest of the stuff she bought was much more expensive than the small bottle (and it was small - one of those quarter size ones), neither the shop owner nor the police believed that it was an honest slip of the mind.

[Dex Sawash]

A woman who went to my school is currently serving six and a half years for this bizarre sex crime:

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/jul/15/gayle-newland-retrial

She was there nine years after I was, though. Still, I fucking hated my school and am amused that the most famous alumna is an olympic gymnast and the second most famous is a convicted sex offender.

Bad porn script

[MiddleRabbit]

A friend of mine (his surname is Burton and he's known as 'The Beast' as in 'Beast of Burden'. Burton -> Burden, dig it?) did a stretch for manslaughter.  He killed someone through driving like a dick.  Speed freak, I don't know if that was part of the reason why it happened or not.  I never went to visit him but I did write to him.

He made it out it was no big deal but he's generally quite blase about such things.  I also never discussed the accident with him.

He's also the fattest speed freak I've ever known.  Enormous. 

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Bad porn script

Jarvis Cocker determines once and for all to rid himself of all the grubby associations from " This Is Hardcore ", and seriously considers rewrite for song on follow up album.

[Paul Calf]

My brother knew Fred and Rose quite well.  They weren't friends but he used to see them in the street or at the shop most days.  When they lived on Beasley Street, he told me, they were seen as some of the "better" more up together, sane, people.  He said Fred seemed OK but Rose was someone that he'd always avoided.  Just thought I'd say.

He's lying. It's an oft-repeated urban myth that Fred West was a good builder. In fact, he was a barely-capable cowboy who often ripped off his customers, suppliers and employees.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Also, the only times he ate onions was when they were sliced up finely, and put in a nice, tasty stew. Or  fried and slathered generously over a lovely, greasy fun fair hot dog. None of this " just like an apple " nonsense. He never killed and dismembered all those vulnerable young girls after him and Rose had shagged them in all those pervy ways, either ( oh alright, he did that last bit ).

[touchingcloth]

I mentioned it in the verkidz thread but I've got a friend (former, I'd say now) locked up for having been caught sharing kiddie porn on the dark web. His job? Primary school teacher, mate.

[shiftwork2]

It's an oft-repeated urban myth that Fred West was a good builder. In fact, he was a barely-capable cowboy who often ripped off his customers, suppliers and employees.

Bollocks - Fred's family had been in fireplaces and cellars for years.

[thraxx]

For realz?

Also is the tax evasion fellah Al Capone?

Yes 4 realz.

Tax evasion chap is still a good friend. When he got sent down I did a thread on it. He kept making up excuses for why I couldn't see him in the nick. I printed out and sent him a copy of poo's VERSUS to cheer him up and sent it to him. He said it made him cry with laughter and re read it several times but he had to throw it away because the other cons kept asking him what was so funny and he dare not show it to them.

[imitationleather]

Bollocks - Fred's family had been in fireplaces and cellars for years.

Heather West was more in patios.

[Blinder Data]

A friend of mine (his surname is Burton and he's known as 'The Beast' as in 'Beast of Burden'. Burton -> Burden, dig it?) did a stretch for manslaughter.  He killed someone through driving like a dick.  Speed freak, I don't know if that was part of the reason why it happened or not.  I never went to visit him but I did write to him.

He made it out it was no big deal but he's generally quite blase about such things.  I also never discussed the accident with him.

He's also the fattest speed freak I've ever known.  Enormous.

No offence but I hope your fat friend dies. Speed freaks who kill are scum.

[machotrouts]

I thought a nice Grindr man who I'd been on WhatsApp dick-trading terms with and hoping to meet for a while was ghosting me, but it turned out he just went to prison for burgling a house. Imagine my relief! I heard he also did a shit in their garden. He has an identical twin brother who's in prison for murder but unfortunately he's straight.

[TrenterPercenter]

Weirdly recently had a friend that has gone to prison for 6 years for organised fraud.....got 3 children, 2 of which are severely disabled.

It's not good.  Looks like he got mixed up with some bad people and stupidly went along with what they were suggesting.

By the way if anyone is friends with the cunt that stole my car on Sunday then can you give them a moderately powered Chinese burn from me.  Ta.

[Mister Six]

He did 9 years of it and had his thumbs broken as a reminder on the day he came out.

By whom?! As a reminder of what?!

[MidnightShambler]

Oh yeah? Well my mate was caught in possession of 20,000 images of himself bumming poor street boys. That hundreds of victims with all their lives ahead of them. And another mate who is doing time for tax evasion.

2-1

https://www.thefreelibrary.com/BRUTAL+KILLER+JAILED+FOR+LIFE.-a080403072

I went to school with him too, there were so many murderers and sex cases in my year I lost track.

2-2

[Buelligan]

No offence but I hope your fat friend dies. Speed freaks who kill are scum.

Say what you like about Fred, he was never a speed freak.

[MidnightShambler]

By whom?! As a reminder of what?!

By the people who didn't do any time, to make sure that it stays that way and for him to have an attack of amnesia should anybody ever ask any questions about it.

As I say though, the family were well compensated while he was inside so it wasn't all bad for them and they could have done a lot more than break his thumbs if they wanted to. Win win.

[mothman]

As mentioned in other threads, a former flatmate later killed his overbearing wife in a fit of rage, dismembered her body then stored the parts in the fridge before fleeing the country. He got 8 years for manslaghter, so must be long out by now.

[Sebastian Cobb]

As mentioned in other threads, a former flatmate later killed his overbearing wife in a fit of rage, dismembered her body then stored the parts in the fridge before fleeing the country. He got 8 years for manslaghter, so must be long out by now.

How was that considered manslaughter?

I just remembered an acquaintance that worked with my mate at the casino got sent down for letting his gaff be used for stashing heroin. Apparently there were some dodgy people laundering in the casino (pretty obviously, two guys coming in together and one always betting on red and the other always picking black on roulette etc) and they offered to pay him quite well for it. I always wondered if he was a fall guy/low hanging fruit to keep the police at arms length from the actual business.

[Buelligan]

Bit sexist.

[pancreas]

I thought a nice Grindr man who I'd been on WhatsApp dick-trading terms with and hoping to meet for a while was ghosting me, but it turned out he just went to prison for burgling a house. Imagine my relief! I heard he also did a shit in their garden. He has an identical twin brother who's in prison for murder but unfortunately he's straight.

Can you do conjugal visits? Maybe they'd both be lonely, notwithstanding one's straightness.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Oh yeah? Well my mate was caught in possession of 20,000 images of himself bumming poor street boys.

It's quite sweet that You're still happy to call him your mate.

[Ian Drunken Smurf]

A schoolfriend's brother was at some kind of borstal like place for ambushing a milkfloat and leaving a milkman tied up to a tree.

[St_Eddie]

Can we all just please take this opportunity to send our prayers towards mook.  He killed them all for our sins.

[Pijlstaart]

We were in sixth-form, and one of the sixth-form children stole a car and his mother called the pleasemen on him. "I din' raise no thief" she was alleged to say, she didn't want to harbor him, so she had him arrested. He had spiked up hair, from shop-bought hair gel, but they cut it off so he could go to prison, and he came out with very short hair, short hair from prison. We all got to feel his new hair when he got out, but for me it was a gateway to the head, you could feel the contours of the head very easily, which you couldn't have done before. He wasn't allowed to live with his mother afterwards in case he'd "do her" or "bang her up", so he had to live in a council flat and no-one would tuck him into bed at night.  Works in recruitment consulting now.

[St_Eddie]

We were in sixth-form, and one of the sixth-form children stole a car and his mother called the pleasemen...

They mind their P's and Q's, those pleasemen.

[Jockice]

I actually don't. And never have as far as I know. Apart from my former brother-in-law who got six years for noncing. There were also murderers in the years above and below me at school but I was in no way mates with either them. A few years ago I bumped into someone who told me that a lad from my year has also been banged up for murder. It wouldn't surprise me but nobody else seems to know anything about it so I presume it's bullshit.