It's Valentine's Day squeeeeeeee

[Blue Jam]

Yay, there you are!

Also can I thank Blue Jam for her idea of going to Spoons for their cheapo Valentine special. I copied this last year with a group of jaundiced long-term relationshippers and world-weary singletons and we had a right laff, we're doing it again tonight.

Enjoy!

That's right Cabbers, Valenspoons is indeed on again this year... but Mr Jam is away for werk and not back until tomorrow. I'm a bit gutted tbh, last year it was a good laugh and those steaks were great for the price. We'll be celebrating tomorrow night with a few frames down the snooker club.

Got no plans for tonight- maybe I'll go for a single Greggs' heart-shaped steak bake with a side serving of pure desolation.

Reminder to anyone doing this: Get down there early as the cheapo piss-take Valentine's celebration is a popular option, the place will be rammed and the steak option will sell out. Actually, get down there now.

[Buelligan]

Sorry, anyone who goes to spoons after all that's happened deserves a hard kick in the gennies.  I say this with love.

[chveik]

Going to an Elliot Smith tribute night later on to take my mind off loneliness and heartbreak. What's his stuff like?

mostly about loneliness and heartbreak.

[Blue Jam]

Sorry, anyone who goes to spoons after all that's happened deserves a hard kick in the gennies.  I say this with love.

[pancreas]

Sorry, anyone who goes to spoons after all that's happened deserves a hard kick in the gennies.  I say this with love.

But their Brexit Fried Chicken Strips are just to die for.

[Fambo Number Mive]

The desperate marking Valentie's themed emails are in my inbox once again.

Even Leadsom has parped out a "Roses are red, violets are blue" in the House of Commons

[ToneLa]

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE DEPRESSING THAN CITYSOCIALISER ON VALENTINE'S DAY

Hi Tony, Candice just messaged you.

"I'm going to this social (Wetherspoons- Cheap & Cheerful) and want to invite you to come too if you're free?"

Answer: YES because IT IS IN SPOONS

"Hello literal stranger! Are you Candice? YOU ARE MY FUCKING VALENTINE!! HERE IS A FERRERO ROCHER sorry it is not in the foil. How about a John Smith's and I will read the Wetherspoon magazine's views on Brexit in your sweet and tender ear? What, you want a wine? I AM SHOUTING AGAIN NOW. Good-fucking-bye."

[Small Man Big Horse]

Mrs SMBH brought home a chinese takeaway and chocolates so I'm happy, even if my blood sugar isn't. She's ill though so instead of sex I'm going to wait for her to fall asleep and then have a quick wank in the shower, just like all the Valentine's Days when I was single, though this time they won't be accompanied by suicidal thoughts afterwards.

[BlodwynPig]

I couldn't open my front door this morning!

When I got home, I couldn't open the door.

My wife had changed the locks.

[Twed]

When I got in this afternoon I couldn't open the door.

I'd cummed it shut!

[Monsieur Verdoux]

wearing sun glasses and being cool today

[touchingcloth]

Enjoy!

That's right Cabbers, Valenspoons is indeed on again this year... but Mr Jam is away for werk and not back until tomorrow. I'm a bit gutted tbh, last year it was a good laugh and those steaks were great for the price. We'll be celebrating tomorrow night with a few frames down the snooker club.

Got no plans for tonight- maybe I'll go for a single Greggs' heart-shaped steak bake with a side serving of pure desolation.

Reminder to anyone doing this: Get down there early as the cheapo piss-take Valentine's celebration is a popular option, the place will be rammed and the steak option will sell out. Actually, get down there now.

Burn Spoons down, unless Brexit's your bag.

[ziggy starbucks]

I'm focussing on my shit career right now.....

[touchingcloth]

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE DEPRESSING THAN CITYSOCIALISER ON VALENTINE'S DAY

Answer: YES because IT IS IN SPOONS

"Hello literal stranger! Are you Candice? YOU ARE MY FUCKING VALENTINE!! HERE IS A FERRERO ROCHER sorry it is not in the foil. How about a John Smith's and I will read the Wetherspoon magazine's views on Brexit in your sweet and tender ear? What, you want a wine? I AM SHOUTING AGAIN NOW. Good-fucking-bye."

I understand perhaps 10% of this post. Well, 99% of the words and 0% of the content so I'm averaging slightly. 

[garbed_attic]

Happy Valium Crimes Day!

[Twed]

I understand perhaps 10% of this post. Well, 99% of the words and 0% of the content so I'm averaging slightly.

I can't tell if it makes me feel young or if it makes me feel old.

[easytarget]

Going to an Elliot Smith tribute night later on to take my mind off loneliness and heartbreak. What's his stuff like?

If it's from when he was in Heatmiser it might be fun.

[Emma Raducanu]

My partner spent 3 hours on Skype to a friend leaving me on my own. Normally this would be a perfect evening but it irritated me for some reason.

[imitationleather]

Going to a restaurant on Valentines Day sounds rubbish. Like true pros* we're going out for dinner TONIGHT instead. #brainybanqueting

*I don't mean "prostitutes" by this.

By the way it's not a 'spoons as their deal has finished now.

[Cerys]

Valentine's Day?  Meh.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I got massively pissed and had a right old snog and a grope with a blonde haired Russian lass 25 years my junior. Romantic stuff, eh ? ( soz, unable to find a picture of Charlie Higson's Mid- Life Crisis Man character to link to )

[ToneLa]

I pissed and had a right old snog and a grope with a blonde haired Russian lass 25 years my junior. Romantic stuff, eh ?

Christ, when I piss all I get is splashback on my jorts

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Christ, when I piss all I get is splashback on my jorts

I've corrected my post but still appreciate your comment, la! A regular little Jimmy Tarbuck, you are !

[Bennett Brauer]

I got massively pissed and had a right old snog and a grope with a blonde haired Russian lass 25 years my junior.

Can you be sure she said da and not dad?

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Can you be sure she said da and not dad?

Actually she said "Da, Da, Da", to which I replied, " Oh you mean like that novelty hit by Trio from 1982? I remember it well, 15 years old I was at the time ". She pointed out that that would have been 10 years before she was born, and stopped snogging me shortly thereafter :(

[Small Man Big Horse]

I got massively pissed and had a right old snog and a grope with a blonde haired Russian lass 25 years my junior. Romantic stuff, eh ? ( soz, unable to find a picture of Charlie Higson's Mid- Life Crisis Man character to link to )

You snogged a 45 year old? ;) :P etc.

[seepage]

Went down the spoons for the english or aussie fizz Tim said he's replaced champagne with, and they only had prosecco, so either he doesn't know where that's from or he's scared of losing the sales.

[EOLAN]

I got massively pissed and had a right old snog and a grope with a blonde haired Russian lass 25 years my junior. Romantic stuff, eh ? ( soz, unable to find a picture of Charlie Higson's Mid- Life Crisis Man character to link to )

28 years old he was.

[Buelligan]

Sorry Lisa, had to.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Can I come on your tits ? ( Sorry, didn't mean to think that, etc. )