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Colleagues who are just fucking stupid

Started by madhair60, February 26, 2019, 09:24:33 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

holyzombiejesus

I used to work alongside a woman who believed in angels. Honestly, she was so in to it. She used to have special 'angel days' off work and buy white food to give to the angels that night. She'd then bring the food that the angels didn't want in to work the next day and there would be loads of expensive chocolates and nice cake. She was a nice lady but utterly fucking bonkers. She's go to Whitby on spiritual weekends but it sounded like she just got totally ratarsed in her hotel room rather than float or whatever the fuck she was aiming for.

Kelvin

Edit: I'm.going to cut that anecdote, because the people involved are really lovely and kind, and I feel guilty about highlighting their mad beliefs on here.

Dex Sawash

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on February 27, 2019, 02:40:33 PM
500 I reckon, mostly because 45 * 12 is about that.

I did 12 * 30ish and said 5000.

Everyone at my work is quite clever.

JesusAndYourBush

Quote from: Paul Calf on February 27, 2019, 10:09:53 PM
You know when you fuck something up on a computer, like deleting all the text in a text field, you can undo it by pressing (usually)  Ctrl-z?

And if you undo too much, shift+ctrl+z will un-undo.

Twed

Quote from: holyzombiejesus on February 27, 2019, 10:30:05 PM
I used to work alongside a woman who believed in angels. Honestly, she was so in to it. She used to have special 'angel days' off work and buy white food to give to the angels that night. She'd then bring the food that the angels didn't want in to work the next day and there would be loads of expensive chocolates and nice cake. She was a nice lady but utterly fucking bonkers. She's go to Whitby on spiritual weekends but it sounded like she just got totally ratarsed in her hotel room rather than float or whatever the fuck she was aiming for.
http://collection.eliterature.org/1/works/wittig__the_fall_of_the_site_of_marsha/index.html

Isnt Anything


timebug

I once worked with a young woman who was part-time owing to her Uni studies in, get this,'Political Science' (whatever that is!)
At the time I carried a backpack to work,covered in badges of all descriptions.Bands, slogans,you name it. One day she was studying my backpack,as we waited to finish work, and she pointed to a badge of Karl Marx,against a pink background; the background had of course been red originally, but was well faded.
'Who's this bloke?' asked the student of POLITICS.
'Karl Marx' I replied
'Oh yeah, I think I've heard of him....what did he do?' she asked
'He made comedy films with his brothers,Groucho and Harpo' I shot back, deadpan.
'Oh yeah, I think I have seen some of them....'
Doh!

mrpupkin

You guys are my social life at work.

Desolation

momatt

#98
Quote from: thraxx on February 27, 2019, 07:49:08 PM
Every time a woman is angry, it means they have their period.

This is true though.

ToneLa

Quote from: Paul Calf on February 27, 2019, 10:09:53 PM
You know when you fuck something up on a computer, like deleting all the text in a text field, you can undo it by pressing (usually)  Ctrl-z?

I once worked with two contract software testers who looked at me as though I were some sort of magician wheh I did that after accidentally deleting the contents of an Excel spreadsheet cell. They'd managed to work in software for years without learning about undo

For context: they were billing at least £250 a day, and probably much more.

I was called a genius for showing someone that undo DOES exist in web forms - I think basically a quick trick to recognition off idiots in the IT sphere is to show off keyboard commands.

The problem? Well, it was the NHS, and the person telling me I was a genius was the official trainer for the main patient records web-based system, who had been there I believe for five years. "Oh we have had lots of people ask me this! We did not think there was a way! It is not in the official documentation!"

"Recovering" unsubmitted form data by going back a page also got me lauded. Some laurels, these. No wonder my arse itches

Endicott

About 20 years ago now but I was called a genius when I helped out an incompetent dev by looking up how to achieve what he wanted in the help files.

Quote from: holyzombiejesus on February 27, 2019, 03:49:23 PMA previous manager told me off for using the word 'albeit' in a report, stating 'I don't think teachers will have heard of that word if I haven't'.
When I worked on a (FUCKING AWFUL) sketch show for Disney, I was told in a meeting by an actual proper Disney adult that the word 'condensation' would not be understood by any of their audience, and had to be removed.

mrpupkin

I work in a nursery, surrounded by people who can neither string a sentence together nor wipe their own arses. And that's just the babies!

Yussef Dent

Once worked on a butchers counter at Morrisons with a guy who was astonishingly dim. He couldn't really be trusted with the customer service aspect of things as he'd constantly weigh stuff up as the wrong items, so he just tended to be given the job of doing simple cuts of meat. A customer came in and asked for 2 kilogrammes of diced stewing beef, so I asked him to prepare two kilos . He then started laughing, I was a bit perplexed by this. He then called me over and said... "mate... she asked for two kilogrammes. Not two kilos!" He didn't last long in the job.

Blue Jam

Years ago when I worked in meejah I had a colleague who pronounced "Da Vinci" as "Da Vinn-see" and "Pulitzer" as "Pugh-litzer". She was an intern. I suspect her PR career turned out about as well as mine did.

Jockice

Quote from: MissInformed on February 26, 2019, 01:04:38 PM
I have a colleague who persists in emailling me, saying "Can you just email Mr XYZ and tell him this?"

It kills me to not be able to respond "if you had just put his fucking email address where you put mine, it would be done already"

I once had a post-it note left by a colleague on my desk which said: 'Some woman rang. Can you call her back?' I thought he was joking but on further questioning he wasn't.

Jockice

Not a colleague but I was recently required to read a lengthy (49 pages!) psychiatric report concerning an ongoing legal matter (not involving me I hasten to add, but concerning people I know). It is astonishingly badly written. Sentences that don't make any sense at all, sentences that just tail off, people being given the wrong names, someone apparently suffering from an illness that doesn't actually exist...

I'm sure it's not just because I am acquainted with these people or that I've worked as a sub-editor I can see how shite it is. Yet the person concerned apparently charges a fortune for this sort of stuff. Nice work if you can get it.

paruses

All these bits have reminded me of the woman at work who reassured us all that her dog was safely locked in the kitchen that particular day with the blinds drawn down so that when the solar eclipse took place the dog would not blind itself by staring directly at the sun.


Mr Farenheit

Not sure if he was fucking stupid or just not very good at the career he had chosen. He'd screw up all the normal things other people in his position with way less experience did as a matter of course. Which doesn't mean he was stupid but then again he'd also wander around the office sometimes- get up from his desk and head somewhere with a sense of purpose but before he got very far he'd clearly forgotten what his mission was. He'd then stand there for half a minute, look around, nod his head and walk back to his desk. I should say our office was a converted apartment so this journey was 10 metres max.

We had lots of nice architecture books in the meeting room. He'd sometimes be sitting there reading them and nod his head slowly whilst saying a long drawn out 'okaaaaay' like he was suddenly absorbing some great wisdom. I don't think the wisdom got through though, judging by the routine screw-ups he made in his job as an architect (example: you know how in a hotel you check in at reception then walk to your room? This guy designed a hotel where this was physically impossible).

We had a dartboard in the office which was nowhere near any computers but he managed to throw a dart into a monitor one time. Maybe he was shit at darts but I have a suspicion he was just fucking stupid.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Jockice on February 28, 2019, 02:22:34 PM
I once had a post-it note left by a colleague on my desk which said: 'Some woman rang. Can you call her back?' I thought he was joking but on further questioning he wasn't.

I used to do this when i was a teenager, or at least I'd forget the message and that's all I could remember, to the point one of my mum's friends patronisingly used to ask me if I had a pen and then to read the note back.

At which point I just started leaving it for the answerphone.

When I visit now I still leave the phone for the answerphone, because I don't live there and it won't be for me. This annoys them.

McFlymo

I am pretty happy where I work, but I work with people who are, to put it politely; thick as fuck. Most of them are rude cunts as well. The qualities of the 3 or 4 decent people in the place are amplified quite significantly by the utter fuck heads surrounding them. They all get paid badly and the boss treats them like shit, (monkeys / peanuts etc) but generally, it feels like an Alt-Right recruitment centre at times.

Generally I don't have to (and choose not to) interact with them at all, as I'm "tech support" (basically) and it beats every single other job I've ever had, because I can mostly remain outside of their inane shite, be "unpopular", not be a "team player" and be hated by all of them, and yet do my job perfectly well, actually enjoy it (sometimes) and none of them get to influence any part of it.... Which is nice.

Quote from: Jockice on February 28, 2019, 02:22:34 PM
I once had a post-it note left by a colleague on my desk which said: 'Some woman rang. Can you call her back?' I thought he was joking but on further questioning he wasn't.

They may not actually be stupid (more like worryingly gullible) but thanks to messages I've left on their desks, colleagues have actually phoned, amongst others: Anne Chovey, Albert Ross, Anna Conder, Anton Deque, Faye Tacompli and Dudah Dhay.

Icehaven


seepage

Quote from: Mr Farenheit on February 28, 2019, 03:03:28 PM
example: you know how in a hotel you check in at reception then walk to your room? This guy designed a hotel where this was physically impossible).

Premier Inn?

Lost Oliver

Quote from: Mr Farenheit on February 28, 2019, 03:03:28 PM
Not sure if he was fucking stupid or just not very good at the career he had chosen. He'd screw up all the normal things other people in his position with way less experience did as a matter of course. Which doesn't mean he was stupid but then again he'd also wander around the office sometimes- get up from his desk and head somewhere with a sense of purpose but before he got very far he'd clearly forgotten what his mission was. He'd then stand there for half a minute, look around, nod his head and walk back to his desk. I should say our office was a converted apartment so this journey was 10 metres max.

We had lots of nice architecture books in the meeting room. He'd sometimes be sitting there reading them and nod his head slowly whilst saying a long drawn out 'okaaaaay' like he was suddenly absorbing some great wisdom. I don't think the wisdom got through though, judging by the routine screw-ups he made in his job as an architect (example: you know how in a hotel you check in at reception then walk to your room? This guy designed a hotel where this was physically impossible).

We had a dartboard in the office which was nowhere near any computers but he managed to throw a dart into a monitor one time. Maybe he was shit at darts but I have a suspicion he was just fucking stupid.

The whole post was great but specifically this bit made me laugh out loud in the office. I can't imagine what it looked like. Can you expand?

QDRPHNC

I wonder if he accidentally designed a motel.

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: Jockice on February 28, 2019, 02:22:34 PM
I once had a post-it note left by a colleague on my desk which said: 'Some woman rang. Can you call her back?' I thought he was joking but on further questioning he wasn't.

Going to go do this to someone in work right now

gilbertharding

Quote from: Mr Farenheit on February 28, 2019, 03:03:28 PM
I don't think the wisdom got through though, judging by the routine screw-ups he made in his job as an architect (example: you know how in a hotel you check in at reception then walk to your room? This guy designed a hotel where this was physically impossible).

I work in architecture too, and would like to second the request for a plan of this layout.

My boss has frequent tragic problems with IT. eg His method for producing a letter is to print out a piece of headed paper from the Word document we have with our letter head on it, then write his letter in Word, before printing it onto the piece of headed paper he's just made. He then signs it, and scans the result to make a pdf so he can email it.

He is nearly 80 though - so no-one can really say anything.

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: gilbertharding on February 28, 2019, 04:22:38 PM
I work in architecture too, and would like to second the request for a plan of this layout.

My boss has frequent tragic problems with IT. eg His method for producing a letter is to print out a piece of headed paper from the Word document we have with our letter head on it, then write his letter in Word, before printing it onto the piece of headed paper he's just made. He then signs it, and scans the result to make a pdf so he can email it.

He is nearly 80 though - so no-one can really say anything.

Holy shit that letter making process made me sweat

Jockice

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on February 28, 2019, 03:08:48 PM
I used to do this when i was a teenager, or at least I'd forget the message and that's all I could remember, to the point one of my mum's friends patronisingly used to ask me if I had a pen and then to read the note back.

At which point I just started leaving it for the answerphone.

When I visit now I still leave the phone for the answerphone, because I don't live there and it won't be for me. This annoys them.

On a sort of similar subject, in my late teens I became friends with two lads called Paul and Darren. They didn't know each other (Paul was mates with a lad who lived round the corner and Darren was in the sixth form with me) and my parents had never met them although they had answered the phone to them quite a few times. They  didn't even sound like each other. The former was a typical Sheffield laddo and the latter was a posho with an accent like Prince Charles.

Anyway, one day Paul decided to call for me. But I wasn't in. So when I came home my mum told me 'Paul's been round.' I said: 'Oh' Ten seconds silence and then she added: 'Is he that Darren?'

I spent about three months in my bedroom afterwards scratching my head and trying to work that one out.