Author Topic: Tinder  (Read 253 times)

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Tinder
« on: March 05, 2019, 05:57:04 PM »
You get Liked on Tinder and you ask why. She's gorgeous, does her eyes the slutty heavy-mascara way you like. You wait an age for an answer and she says her mate robbed her phone

Re: Tinder
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2019, 06:05:58 PM »
You finally agree a date with someone and get all prepared - shower, brush teeth, you even do do push-ups to make your muscles temporarily more defined than sludge. You wait outside a swanky bar.

A 14 year old boy cycles past to tell you you're a gullible fat fuck. No one else turns up.

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Tinder
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2019, 06:15:19 PM »
You're gleeful at yir fuckin latest mutual Like on Tinder. Could this really be the one? Let's face it: you're getting older, n she's no bad lookin. Kind of sexy. What harm could it do? Never hurt no cunt ootside the UN to be casually conversational, as yir father always told ye.

So you drop her a line: Hi cunt. Glad you like me

Yir fuckin overjoyed! Her status as a cyberfox instantly shifts up a gear. With shivering hands, you shaky clart bastard, you type oot: The fuck?.. Then you backspace it for Why? With a smile face :)

N finally you get it. Love's very rapture seizes ye. She's fallen back doon tae erf, hus your angel, and noo you finally get to embrace her.

Then she sends a follow up message: I'm intae ugly guys.

Yir confidence is crushed, but the sheer fuckin desperation sets in. You feel the loneliness crackling all over ye, like a second skin. It doesn't take long. One becomes accustomed to the various cloaks of loneliness. But still. Yir heart stops.

Another message. You pull yir Calvins up n race to the phone, putting doon the rope. Sweet, merciful rationalisation washes over you like a bewelled resplendent tide. SHE SAID SHE WAS INTAE UGLY BLOKES. Ye bang yir fuckin knee but disnae matter. You catch yir head on the plank of wood that stretches between the underside of yir mattress and the open drawer from the empty chest that should contain clothes, which all supports yir TV. And the TV disnae even rock : it is steadfast on the precarious precipice you have balanced it upon. That is a fuckin sign.

Wracked, ruined, and with an admirable boner, bruises rising, a coppery taste in yir mooth as you realise you bit yir tongue, you scoop up yir phone with a dexterity usually displayed by new fathers catching falling babies, and you gaze at the screen an it says:

But no that ugly.

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Tinder
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2019, 06:31:39 PM »
You finally agree a date with someone and get all prepared - shower, brush teeth, you even do do push-ups to make your muscles temporarily more defined than sludge. You wait outside a swanky bar.

A 14 year old boy cycles past to tell you you're a gullible fat fuck. No one else turns up.

Least the wee felly sold you a bag of coke to perpetuate yir Sisphyian search. Always a silvir lining, my dateless friend!

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Tinder
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2019, 11:00:26 AM »
You've spent a whole day gaming Tinder. The numbers game is surely the only way to do this - open yir door to everybody, whether munter or stone-cold fox, and simply deliberate whether to reply when a mutual match is made. It's slow going but you swipe and swipe and come night-time, you've done it, collapsed on yir mattress, hand aching, and every time you close your eyes you see faces - pouting hateful faces shot from a higher angle, sneering with contemptuous unattainability, every last fucking one of them - and text-message Ed bragging aboot how you have cracked the Tinder code; a veritable Dan Brown of online dating. Even that Dan Brown line - wow! Yir oan fire; remember that one son.

"The problem with all that," sez yir mate, "is you're meant to swipe right."

What huv ah been doing? Have I not been swiping right? And you look at yir Tinder. No matches, no messages. And you realise: I HUV been swiping right!
« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 11:10:31 AM by ToneLa »

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Tinder
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2019, 11:08:23 AM »
You make a fatal mistake with the lassie of yir dreams when you shoot down her reasonable suggestion of "meeting for a meal, going Dutch" by asking what nation it is where the burd peys for everything

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Tinder
« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2019, 07:42:15 PM »
I hope they do a version of Tinder for straight people. The amount of lesbians on it is astronomical!

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Tinder
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2019, 01:00:48 AM »
I hope they do a version of Tinder without photos.

Re: Tinder
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2019, 01:55:24 PM »
I hope they do a version of Tinder offline.