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March 28, 2024, 08:30:22 PM

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Tolkien.

Started by Glebe, March 06, 2019, 06:26:47 PM

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Glebe

Tolkien teaser and full trailer.

So what d'y'reckon? Looks like by-the-numbers biopic stuff tbh, but I imagine I'll pop along and see it nonetheless.


Howj Begg


St_Eddie

"ONLY IN THEATERS MAY 10th".

I don't know how they expect to make much money with a single day release.  Presumably they'll be ritually destroying all copies of the film on the 11th.

Twed

Haha, stupid fucking cocaine-addled movie fucks.

I bet it will be a vague approximation of his young life, peppered with egregious references to the books, in the spirit of such masterworks as Becoming Jane. I haven't watched the trailer.

biggytitbo

Cucumber wasn't available then?

mothman

"You want me to lose Tolkien's fourth friend from the script? But why? All of them played a huge part in his childhood!"
"Sorry, but yes. There's gotta be just four of them including him. So we can tap into that whole four-hobbit vibe."
"But there was a fifth in the books! Bolger, wasn't he? Maybe even a sixth?"
"The books? Pfft. Who cares about THEM?"
"Er... John Ronald Ruell Tolkien? The man who wrote them... whose biopic this is?"

purlieu

I wonder who came up with the name.

St_Eddie

Quote from: purlieu on March 06, 2019, 09:30:15 PM
I wonder who came up with the name.

I dunno but to come up with such an out-there title, whoever it was must of been Tolkien some serious shit.

mothman

Oh, Christ. Only just got round to watching the full trailer. "He's going to say 'a Fellowship' there at the end," I thought.

Noodle Lizard

There seems to be a new thing of having two of the film's vapid stars and/or director introducing the movie and/or trailer now, reading some autocued guff about how grateful they are to be a part of such an amazing project or what-have-you.  What's the point of this?  It's as if the studio is trying to say "Yes! See? They're really in it!"  I don't like it, personally.  If I go to the cinema especially I'd like to forget that I'm essentially watching some overpaid dullards wearing fancy-dress, but instead I'm forced to watch Emily Blunt dourly slurring out some script about how good it is that she's in Mary Poppins.

Oh, film looks like shit an' all.

Twed

There was something really annoying being presented with those two. It made me think "what have they done to deserve taking ownership of Tolkien's legacy?".

Bennett Brauer


biggytitbo

I call it 'Lord of the Fingerhoops'.


Ohh John, thats not very catchy is it, what about, err, Lord of the...Rings?


Hmm, Lord of the Rings, I like the sound of that!

BlodwynPig

Lovely stuff in the comments

"This is where the fellowship of the king was born!!"

"Err??"

"Sorry, im not too familiar with the books as you can see"

This sort of shite is a disease of culture and art.

0 popcorn bags


Phil_A

"Whatchu Tolkien bout, Lewis?"

Cuellar

It's staring George North!

Looks meh. Hope the vast majority of the film is him in a library fucking inventing a language. In silence.

AsparagusTrevor

Tolkien: "Here is my book and that, it's called 'Lord of the Rings' like"
Publicist: "It's over a thousand pages?! Nobody will ever want to read that!"

BlodwynPig

Quote from: Cuellar on March 08, 2019, 02:38:32 PM
It's staring George North!

Looks meh. Hope the vast majority of the film is him in a library fucking inventing a language. In silence.

With a single dimly lit sex scene.

bgmnts

Quote from: AsparagusTrevor on March 08, 2019, 02:45:28 PM
Tolkien: "Here is my book and that, it's called 'Lord of the Rings' like"
Publicist: "It's over a thousand pages?! Nobody will ever want to read that!"

Basically.

Alberon

It should be set in the 60s after American pot heads discovered the trilogy and kept phoning Tolken up in the early hours of the morning because they couldn't work out the time difference.

You could set the film over the course of a single night and having him become grouchier and grouchier, crying out the film's catchphrase "I don't believe it!" when the phone goes off yet again. You could have a fairly improbable sequence where he manages to mix up his slipper with a dead hedgehog.

I'd watch it.

BlodwynPig

"I really enjoyed your TV show, Tales of the Unexpected!"

Tolkein - "Why you!!!! Get out of my estate".


"I really enjoyed your book on fly fishing!"

Tolkein - "Not you again, I ought to beat ten shades of hell out of your backside, lad"


"The Moomins is such a great series of books!"

Tolkein - "I...I don't....I don't believe it! Margaret!!!"

SteveDave

Quote from: mothman on March 06, 2019, 09:19:23 PM
"Er... John Ronald Ruell Tolkien? The man who wrote them... whose biopic this is?"

I had a dream once where his name was revealed to actually be:

John Rodney Rodney Tolkein

gilbertharding

I knew they'd take this option rather than try to make a film of The Silmarillion.

BlodwynPig

Quote from: gilbertharding on March 08, 2019, 04:15:58 PM
I knew they'd take this option rather than try to make a film of The Silmarillion.

I've just remembered that my great-aunt was a student of his - it obviously didn't make a lasting impression as I had forgotten all about it until now. She had a first edition of one of his books signed inside. That was probably binned in the 90s after she moved into a nursing home.

bgmnts

Quote from: gilbertharding on March 08, 2019, 04:15:58 PM
I knew they'd take this option rather than try to make a film of The Silmarillion.

Wouldn't that film be quite long?

gilbertharding

Given that they turned The Hobbit into an eight and a half hour film, the longer the better, apparently.

I've never read it, by the way - finding it utterly impenetrable to the point of not worth the bother. But I might have watched the film trailer, if they made it.

Glebe

I've made a few attempts to get through The Silmarillion over the years. I cannae do it.

BlodwynPig

Quote from: Glebe on March 08, 2019, 06:31:43 PM
I've made a few attempts to get through The Silmarillion over the years. I cannae do it.

The ending is brilliant

QuoteAnd Lord Bilbo did verily cometh return backeth to the Land oF hobbiton. Beshevvelled but proud.

"A Fellowship, Sire Cumberbatch?" Bilbo asketh of Sire Cumberbatch.

"Yeh, verily, a goodish idea for us band of four brethren" Sire Cumberbatch did retort.

"TOLKEIN!" Cameth the cries of the gathered dwarves and elves.

"Do the dance! Do the dance" yelled Mordor the Beige.

and then Bilbo did the dance.

chveik

Quote from: gilbertharding on March 08, 2019, 04:15:58 PM
I knew they'd take this option rather than try to make a film of The Silmarillion.

amazon's doing a Silmarillion series apparently.