Author Topic: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?  (Read 6391 times)

easytarget

  • five gas lighters for a pound
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #120 on: July 09, 2019, 04:05:13 AM »
My wife's gone to that St. Mary town in Devon.

Ottery?

Yes, I am telling you the truth.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #121 on: July 10, 2019, 02:50:12 PM »
What do you get if you put Ringo Starr in a blender?

Beatlejuice.

JesusAndYourBush

  • Earnest silky coconut shell
    • http://www.google.com
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #122 on: July 11, 2019, 03:08:07 AM »
This thread needs some nun jokes...

Two nuns in a bath. One says "where's the soap?". The other says "yes it does rather".

   Two nuns cycling down a cobbled
   street.  One says to the other "I've
   never come this way before".

There was a power cut at the convent.
"Candles out, girls!" said the Mother Superior.
*SLURP*

A nun was in the bath,  There was a knock on the door.  "Who is it?" said the nun.
"It's the blind man." said a voice.  The nun thought for a moment then said "Come in."
Bloke comes in.  "Nice tits!" he says, "Where do you want me to hang this blind."


Any more nun jokes to add?

zomgmouse

  • I love carrots
    • BEN VOLCHOK DOT COM
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #123 on: July 11, 2019, 04:50:40 AM »
Sister Mary could drink anyone under the table. She was the best bar nun.

timebug

  • Father of Serge
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #124 on: July 11, 2019, 10:07:06 AM »
Flashback sixties joke:
Two hippies walking down the road and they encounter a nun with her arm in plaster and a sling.
'Hey Nun,Man!' says one 'What happened to you?'
' I slipped on the soap in the shower' she replied before moving on.
'What's soap,man?' asked one hippy.
'I dunno man, I'm not a fucking Catholic' was the reply

kalowski

  • the Zone of Zero Funkativity
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #125 on: July 11, 2019, 04:52:17 PM »
This thread needs some nun jokes...

Any more nun jokes to add?
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven. St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven. At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her arse in it."
----
A hippy notices a beautiful nun sitting near him on the bus, and asks her out. The nun declines. Then he says, "If you won't go out with me, can I at least just have sex you?" Of course the nun says "No!", then she gets off the bus. The bus driver notices the hippy's disappointment, so he leans over and says, "You really want that nun, eh?" The hippy nods enthusiastically. "Well" says the bus driver, "every Monday at 6pm she takes this bus to the cemetery and prays for an hour. You could be there ..." The hippy gets excited and soon has a plan. Next Monday he waits at the cemetery, and sure enough at 6pm the nun enters. He quietly follows until she stops by a grave and begins to pray. The hippy dons a flowing robe and a fake beard from his bag, then catches her attention and steps towards her. "My child" he says softly, "it is I, your Lord. For your faith I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience." The nun gasps, "Oh. Okay, but can you take me from behind? I could still consider myself a virgin, and I cherish my celibacy." The eager hippy agrees and the two have anal sex until both are satisfied. After they are done, the hippy pulls off the mask and shouts ... "Aha! I am the hippy!" to which the nun responds by taking of her mask and shouting "Aha! I am the bus driver!"
----
As they're in the car, each time the Priest goes to switch gears, he rests his hand on the nuns knee. The nun looks up at the priest and says "Father, remember Luke 14 10." The priest moves his hand away, embarrassed. The next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher on her leg. Once again, the nun says "Remember Luke 14 10, father." The priest apologizes, "The flesh is weak" he says.
The priest drops the nun off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and flips to Luke 14 10, which says "Friend, come up higher. Then shalt thou have glory."
----
There were three nuns driving down a highway one day when they lost control of their car and plunged off a cliff. They awoke and found themselves standing before the pearly gates. St. Peter walked toward them and, after greeting them, told them that they would have to answer one question each before they were admitted to the kingdom of heaven. This made the nuns very nervous. They had never heard of this requirement before. Finally, one nun stepped forward and said, "St. Peter, I'm ready for my question." St. Peter replied, "Your question is: Who was the first man on earth?" The nun breathed a huge sigh of relief, and said, "Why, it was Adam."

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

This was a cause of great relief to the remaining nuns. The second stepped forward without hesitation. St. Peter said, "And you must tell me who the first woman on earth was." Another great sigh of relief, "Eve" the nun replied.

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

The third was brimming with excitement. "I'm ready St. Peter!" St. Peter said, "All right, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun was shocked. "My goodness, that's a hard one."

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #126 on: July 18, 2019, 10:59:51 AM »
Which disappeared first? Finding porn in bushes, or finding bushes in porn?

zomgmouse

  • I love carrots
    • BEN VOLCHOK DOT COM
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #127 on: July 18, 2019, 11:16:28 AM »
WHEN WELSH PEOPLE ORGASM DO THEY SAY "I'M CYMMING"