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Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

Started by pancreas, March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

easytarget

My wife's gone to that St. Mary town in Devon.

Ottery?

Yes, I am telling you the truth.

Gulftastic

What do you get if you put Ringo Starr in a blender?

Beatlejuice.

JesusAndYourBush

This thread needs some nun jokes...

Quote from: godber on July 08, 2019, 03:49:14 PM
Two nuns in a bath. One says "where's the soap?". The other says "yes it does rather".

Quote from: Ambient Sheep on July 08, 2019, 05:06:29 PM
   Two nuns cycling down a cobbled
   street.  One says to the other "I've
   never come this way before".

Quote from: JesusAndYourBush on July 09, 2019, 01:32:13 AM
There was a power cut at the convent.
"Candles out, girls!" said the Mother Superior.
*SLURP*

A nun was in the bath,  There was a knock on the door.  "Who is it?" said the nun.
"It's the blind man." said a voice.  The nun thought for a moment then said "Come in."
Bloke comes in.  "Nice tits!" he says, "Where do you want me to hang this blind."


Any more nun jokes to add?

zomgmouse

Sister Mary could drink anyone under the table. She was the best bar nun.

timebug

Flashback sixties joke:
Two hippies walking down the road and they encounter a nun with her arm in plaster and a sling.
'Hey Nun,Man!' says one 'What happened to you?'
' I slipped on the soap in the shower' she replied before moving on.
'What's soap,man?' asked one hippy.
'I dunno man, I'm not a fucking Catholic' was the reply

kalowski

Quote from: JesusAndYourBush on July 11, 2019, 03:08:07 AM
This thread needs some nun jokes...

Any more nun jokes to add?
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven. St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven. At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her arse in it."
----
A hippy notices a beautiful nun sitting near him on the bus, and asks her out. The nun declines. Then he says, "If you won't go out with me, can I at least just have sex you?" Of course the nun says "No!", then she gets off the bus. The bus driver notices the hippy's disappointment, so he leans over and says, "You really want that nun, eh?" The hippy nods enthusiastically. "Well" says the bus driver, "every Monday at 6pm she takes this bus to the cemetery and prays for an hour. You could be there ..." The hippy gets excited and soon has a plan. Next Monday he waits at the cemetery, and sure enough at 6pm the nun enters. He quietly follows until she stops by a grave and begins to pray. The hippy dons a flowing robe and a fake beard from his bag, then catches her attention and steps towards her. "My child" he says softly, "it is I, your Lord. For your faith I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience." The nun gasps, "Oh. Okay, but can you take me from behind? I could still consider myself a virgin, and I cherish my celibacy." The eager hippy agrees and the two have anal sex until both are satisfied. After they are done, the hippy pulls off the mask and shouts ... "Aha! I am the hippy!" to which the nun responds by taking of her mask and shouting "Aha! I am the bus driver!"
----
As they're in the car, each time the Priest goes to switch gears, he rests his hand on the nuns knee. The nun looks up at the priest and says "Father, remember Luke 14 10." The priest moves his hand away, embarrassed. The next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher on her leg. Once again, the nun says "Remember Luke 14 10, father." The priest apologizes, "The flesh is weak" he says.
The priest drops the nun off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and flips to Luke 14 10, which says "Friend, come up higher. Then shalt thou have glory."
----
There were three nuns driving down a highway one day when they lost control of their car and plunged off a cliff. They awoke and found themselves standing before the pearly gates. St. Peter walked toward them and, after greeting them, told them that they would have to answer one question each before they were admitted to the kingdom of heaven. This made the nuns very nervous. They had never heard of this requirement before. Finally, one nun stepped forward and said, "St. Peter, I'm ready for my question." St. Peter replied, "Your question is: Who was the first man on earth?" The nun breathed a huge sigh of relief, and said, "Why, it was Adam."

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

This was a cause of great relief to the remaining nuns. The second stepped forward without hesitation. St. Peter said, "And you must tell me who the first woman on earth was." Another great sigh of relief, "Eve" the nun replied.

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

The third was brimming with excitement. "I'm ready St. Peter!" St. Peter said, "All right, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun was shocked. "My goodness, that's a hard one."

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

Gulftastic

Which disappeared first? Finding porn in bushes, or finding bushes in porn?

zomgmouse

WHEN WELSH PEOPLE ORGASM DO THEY SAY "I'M CYMMING"

notjosh

Out of all the records in the record shop, the Mickey & Sylvia one was the only one I couldn't afford.

That's right, it was Dearest.

C_Larence

Why didn't the nihilist philosopher ever clean his room?

Because Nietzche abhors a vacuum.

Gregory Torso

If I find out you're a necrophiliac, you're fucking dead.

Gulftastic

I'm an expert in tea based martial arts.

I've got a black belt in Thai-Phoo

Marner and Me

Probably zero taste in this one:

Adolf Hitler dies and he goes to the pearly gates St Pete is on the doors, he recognises who it is and says "you're not coming in" Adolf is pleading and protesting, saying he did wonders for the German economy and the manufacturing industry, this sways St Peter so he says "let me speak to my supervisor" Two minutes later and Jesus comes. down. Instantly Jesus says "Him, no way he isn't coming in. You know what he did, he isn't coming in" Hearing this Adolf asks Jesus for a quiet word, and he pulls out an Iron Cross to give to Jesus as a bribe. Jesus says "let me have a word with dad, I'll be back in five" Anyway Jesus goes up and knocks on Gods office "come in" Jesus enters and regales the story, God listens with intent and has a think and a wonder and after a few minutes of deliberation replies with "An iron cross! You couldn't carry a wooden one"

Tony Tony Tony

Two nuns in the bath, one says "where's the soap", the other replies "yes it does, doesn't it"

Tony Tony Tony

I recently took up flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality.

Reckon I might be flogging a dead horse.

Twonty Gostelow

Did you write those two yourself? They're very good.

Tony Tony Tony

Quote from: Twonty Gostelow on June 29, 2020, 11:08:06 AM
Did you write those two yourself? They're very good.

One was inspired by the saying, the other is a long remembered playground gag.

BTW I was at a zoo the other day, all they had was a dog.

It was a Shit Zoo.

Tony Tony Tony

Doctor I find myself unable to pronounce words beginning with the letters F or T.

Well you can't say fairer than that then.

BeardFaceMan

I'm not very good at maths but I know how to do addition and subtraction, more or less.

Tony Tony Tony

Please be on the lookout for the notorious Cowboy Brown Paper Pete.

Wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper chaps, brown paper boots and rides a brown paper horse.

He is wanted for rustling.

Twonty Gostelow

A Romany woman knocks on a Yorkshireman's door and asks him if he'll buy some clothes pegs from her. "No ta, I got some online," he replies to this forum's very amusement.


Artie Fufkin

Quote from: notjosh on August 25, 2019, 11:49:12 AM
Out of all the records in the record shop, the Mickey & Sylvia one was the only one I couldn't afford.

That's right, it was Dearest.

Why is that cake £10, but this cake is £5, when they're both the same size.
That's Madeira cake.

Fr.Bigley

People who sell meat are disgusting, But people who sell vegetables are grocer.

BeardFaceMan

Jokes about food are corny, jokes about eyes are cornea.

Fr.Bigley

A Horse walks into a bar, Bar keeper asks: "why the long face?". "Metastatic cancer" replied the horse.

monkfromhavana

"Doctor Doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass Of Home"
"Ahh you have Tom Jones Syndrome".
"is it common?"
"It's not unusual"

Artie Fufkin

Did you hear about the man with 5 cocks?
His pants fitted him like a glove.

Fr.Bigley

*One I came up with on lunch break.

I was beaten at chess by a bird of paradise...Toucan play that game.

Gurke and Hare

Can it be a while until the next time we have a jokes thread?

Fr.Bigley