Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

[non capisco]

This coronavirus is causing a lot of job losses but I bet the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together!!!!

Here, CaB. I bought my dad a new fridge for his birthday. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!!!

What do you get if you cross....no, not what if you cross....he's made me forget the joke, ladies and gentlemen. Pack it in, you!!!

[Twonty Gostelow]

Can it be a while until the next time we have a jokes thread?

Can't we just ban the posters who aren't making their own jokes up?

[Twonty Gostelow]

PATIENT: Doctor, doctor, I think I may have rhotacism.

GP: Open your mouth and say R.

CaB: Fuck off, Gostelow.

[Artie Fufkin]

I've probably already mentioned these, but the 2 jokes I genuinely think I made up are as follows :

1) Remember that Irish racehorse that got horse-napped? I thought I'd found him the other day, but on closer inspection I saw it was just a model fashioned from garlic. Cloves, but no Shergar.
2) It was so cold this morning I had to scrape the windscreen of my car, as did my neighbour, the Grim Reaper. Yes, I was de-icing with Death.

[thelittlemango]

A proboscis monkey walks into a bar, the barman says "why the schlong face?".

[Fr.Bigley]

A group of owls commited suicide in the house of commons....it was a hung parliament.

[Twonty Gostelow]

I went to that hipster Cereal Killer café the other day even though it isn't open because of the virus.

"A bowl of Bran Flakes and a large coffee please."
"Do you want that to go?"
"No, I just like the taste."

They can't stop us laughing, folks!!!!!!!

[thecuriousorange]

Prince Philip is 99 years old. I wonder if his wife will send him a telegram next year.



If he lives until next June and actually reaches 100, expect versions of this joke on Twitter/Have I Got News For You etc.

[jobotic]

I went out with a woman who checked and fixed the cabs on cranes. I had to split up with her though, she was high maintenance.

[Tony Tony Tony]

A lorry carrying jelly has collided with a lorry carrying custard on the M1 near J13.

Police say motorists in the area will be a trifle delayed. 

[Tony Tony Tony]

A hundred jump leads were shoplifted from Halfords in Luton yesterday.

Police say a man has been charged.

[Tony Tony Tony]

The glue factory in Dunstable has suffered a major leak overnight.

Police suggest people should stick to the local area.

[Tony Tony Tony]

Thieves in Bedford have stolen three lorries loaded with eggs, milk and sugar overnight.

Police say they expect to have suspects in custody soon.

[Tony Tony Tony]

A tanker loaded with phenidone has overturned on the M1 near J14.

Police say they should have a clearer picture as things develop.

[Norton Canes]

I see they're making a new series about a cartoon family in Springfield that's been infected with coronavirus.

It's called

Spoiler alert

The Symptoms

[close]

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

"I'd like to return this walking/talking toy robot please."
"Why's that then?"
"It goes without saying."

[Pseudopath]

What's the spiritual medium out of Poltergeist's favourite style of curry?

Spoiler alert

KERALAN!

[close]

[Twonty Gostelow]

Just heard that Mark Lawrenson's going to be presenting a new satirical show on BBC2. It's called The Nine O'Clock News Not.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Just heard that Mark Lawrenson's going to be presenting a new satirical show on BBC2. It's called The Nine O'Clock News Not.

I don't get it.

[rack and peanut]

Where does a mammoth go to fix it's wonky tusks?

The mastodontist

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I STILL DON'T GET THAT FUCKING MARK LAWRENSON JOKE, YA SHITTERS.

[kalowski]

I STILL DON'T GET THAT FUCKING MARK LAWRENSON JOKE, YA SHITTERS.

Just heard that Wayne and Garth are going to be presenting a new satirical show on BBC2. It's called The Nine O'Clock News Not

[Tony Tony Tony]

I STILL DON'T GET THAT FUCKING MARK LAWRENSON JOKE, YA SHITTERS.

BBC 4 are showing repeats of Pete and Dud at 9 O'Clock each evening. Its called The Nine O'Clock News Not Only But Also.

[Rizla]

Russel Crowe new film is about a happy cannibal who Only preys on women. It's called "glad he ate her" Cheers guys

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

It's uncanny isn't it?
What is?
This bottle!

[Gulftastic]

My Doctor told me I had to take tablets three times a day. It's lucky the security in my local PC World is shit.

[jobotic]

This is a friend's, not mine. Wish it was.:

There's a basin at the front door. Let that sink in.

[Annie Labuntur]

This is a friend's, not mine. Wish it was.:

There's a basin at the front door. Let that sink in.

Probably not your friend's either.

[thenoise]

my dogs got no bum

[samadriel]

Really?  How does it shit?