Author Topic: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?  (Read 15026 times)

thenoise

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Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #180 on: August 02, 2020, 08:58:25 AM »
yeah

kalowski

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Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #181 on: August 02, 2020, 10:06:15 AM »
Probably not your friend's either.


Hmm I may investigate the other 46 "best sink jokes"

thenoise

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Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #182 on: August 02, 2020, 01:35:20 PM »
My sink joined a 90s boyband that's right NSINK

My neighbour and I happened to be washing our hands at the same time - we were perfectly IN SINK with each other!

Wow that sink is so sexy. I would TAP THAT.

Is it time to PULL THE PLUG on these shitty sink jokes?

The Mollusk

  • I spoke with fervour, embracing the evening
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #183 on: August 02, 2020, 02:51:08 PM »
Today my wife insinuated that I’m obsessed with sinks. I said “WATER you BASIN those accusations on?”

The Mollusk

  • I spoke with fervour, embracing the evening
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #184 on: August 02, 2020, 02:58:14 PM »
I’ve come up with a pretty decent joke recently but I’m having trouble tying it together:

Did you hear about the werewolf newsreader who was shot dead live on air?

There was a special bulletin! (Bullet in - silver bullet gag)

It doesn’t flow well enough though, since if you excuse the pun, the punchline isn’t really a warranted reply to the question. Similarly you can’t say “It was during a special bulletin” because that renders the pun invalid. Anyone care to help flesh out what could potentially be the greatest joke of all time?

thenoise

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Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #185 on: August 02, 2020, 05:26:12 PM »
A man turned into wolf on the news

Werewolf?

ON THE NEWS

Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #186 on: August 02, 2020, 05:37:11 PM »
I’ve come up with a pretty decent joke recently but I’m having trouble tying it together:

Did you hear about the werewolf newsreader who was shot dead live on air?

There was a special bulletin! (Bullet in - silver bullet gag)

It doesn’t flow well enough though, since if you excuse the pun, the punchline isn’t really a warranted reply to the question. Similarly you can’t say “It was during a special bulletin” because that renders the pun invalid. Anyone care to help flesh out what could potentially be the greatest joke of all time?

How did the TV crew kill the werewolf newsreader?

They had a gun with a special bulletin

?

The Mollusk

  • I spoke with fervour, embracing the evening
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #187 on: August 02, 2020, 05:40:18 PM »
I had considered bringing the word “gun” into it as well but it still doesn’t quite scan!

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Well ...enjoy your lifetime supply of virginity!
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #188 on: August 02, 2020, 06:08:20 PM »
I made up a pretty good werewolf joke a while back.

Q: Who wrote " To The Lycanthrope"?
A: Why, Virginia Werewoolf, of course!

I remember telling this top gag to the author Tim Parks, and him guessing the punchline almost immediately, the smararse former EFL Teacher Tim Vine lookalike cunt.

Angrew Lloyg Wegger

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Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #189 on: August 04, 2020, 12:28:05 AM »
Which actor has appeared in both Lord of the Rings and The Sopranos?

James GANDALFini

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #190 on: August 04, 2020, 12:44:19 AM »

Artie Fufkin

  • Let Me In, Sparks
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #191 on: August 04, 2020, 03:25:56 PM »
This is a friend's, not mine. Wish it was.:

There's a basin at the front door. Let that sink in.

Brilliant!

Who wrote the pop song Driving Away From Home?
It's Immaterial.
Well it maybe to you, but it's driving me nuts!

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #192 on: August 05, 2020, 05:31:45 AM »
I've been workshopping this for months woke up this morning with this, uh, snappy one-liner almost fully-formed. And I had to share the pain with someone.

In light of social distancing restrictions on eateries, and the growing trend towards flexitarian lifestyles, I'm sure you're all as excited as I am that Scrimshaw's - my local abattoir - have unveiled a radical new direction. They'll be offering healthy vegan meals delivered direct to your door. First item on the trial menu is a tempting dish of shredded cabbage in a tangy sauce. So join me in wishing goodbye and good riddance to Scrimshaw's Abattoir, and let's bid a warm welcome to Scrimshaw's exciting new Slaw to House operation.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2020, 05:54:55 AM by Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead »

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Well ...enjoy your lifetime supply of virginity!
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #193 on: August 05, 2020, 09:04:08 AM »
I've been workshopping this for months woke up this morning with this, uh, snappy one-liner almost fully-formed. And I had to share the pain with someone.

In light of social distancing restrictions on eateries, and the growing trend towards flexitarian lifestyles, I'm sure you're all as excited as I am that Scrimshaw's - my local abattoir - have unveiled a radical new direction. They'll be offering healthy vegan meals delivered direct to your door. First item on the trial menu is a tempting dish of shredded cabbage in a tangy sauce. So join me in wishing goodbye and good riddance to Scrimshaw's Abattoir, and let's bid a warm welcome to Scrimshaw's exciting new Slaw to House operation.

I'm sorry, I appreciate that you've spent a lot of time on this joke, and in terms of effort, you'd be getting a full 10 out of 10 from the jolly jokes judges. The actual punchline, I'm afraid comes across as somewhat contrived, it's not terrible, but nor is it brilliant, and it is with a heavy heart that I feel compelled to  award a middling mark. So be it.
" Slaw To House": Number 5.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #194 on: August 05, 2020, 09:27:20 AM »
I'm sorry, I appreciate that you've spent a lot of time on this joke, and in terms of effort, you'd be getting a full 10 out of 10 from the jolly jokes judges. The actual punchline, I'm afraid comes across as somewhat contrived, it's not terrible, but nor is it brilliant, and it is with a heavy heart that I feel compelled to  award a middling mark. So be it.
" Slaw To House": Number 5.
So it goes.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Well ...enjoy your lifetime supply of virginity!
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #195 on: August 05, 2020, 09:28:29 AM »
^ thanks for joining in. I feel lonesome no more.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #196 on: August 05, 2020, 12:39:54 PM »
Can we have a joke/ sketch about Clinic thinking that their time has passed and that no-one's interested in their costumes any more so they ditch them and then they go on stage and everyone is wearing the masks and they say for fucks sake and the sketch ends?
« Last Edit: August 05, 2020, 02:53:45 PM by holyzombiejesus »

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #197 on: August 05, 2020, 02:52:04 PM »
^ thanks for joining in. I feel lonesome no more.
Can't leave you feeling lonesome in your appreciation for this fine writer. He skewers Oxbridge pretension quite wonderfully, and that scene where the gas-filled condoms get stuck up the chimney and explode, triggering the Dresden firestorm, is one of the great literary comic set-pieces.

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #198 on: August 05, 2020, 02:57:35 PM »
I'm sorry, I appreciate that you've spent a lot of time on this joke, and in terms of effort, you'd be getting a full 10 out of 10 from the jolly jokes judges. The actual punchline, I'm afraid comes across as somewhat contrived, it's not terrible, but nor is it brilliant, and it is with a heavy heart that I feel compelled to  award a middling mark. So be it.
" Slaw To House": Number 5.

+1/-0 karm for this message.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Well ...enjoy your lifetime supply of virginity!
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #199 on: August 05, 2020, 02:59:43 PM »
Can't leave you feeling lonesome in your appreciation for this fine writer. He skewers Oxbridge pretension quite wonderfully, and that scene where the gas-filled condoms get stuck up the chimney and explode, triggering the Dresden firestorm, is one of the great literary comic set-pieces.
Yes, and you can see his influence on young Martin Amis, where he wrote that book about the feller going through times backwards, which he's actually quite happy about in that scene where he's removing a rubber Johnny glued onto his old lad with a cheese grater, 'cos it doesn't hurt that much when he does it backwards, or something.

Also, I could have just actually put " Slaw To House: Five" in that other post, couldn't I ? I was thinking of the song " Genius Move" by That Petrol Emotion at the time.


My 10,003rd post, and it's a cracker.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #200 on: August 11, 2020, 03:46:44 PM »
Was watching the snooker just now and couldn't remember if Mark Selby had first won the World Championship in 2014 or 2015.

You should never confuse your Selby (sell by) dates.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #201 on: August 12, 2020, 12:32:22 PM »
What’s scooby doo’s least favourite type of venison?

“Roe deer”

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