Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

[thenoise]

yeah

[kalowski]

Probably not your friend's either.

Hmm I may investigate the other 46 "best sink jokes"

[thenoise]

My sink joined a 90s boyband that's right NSINK

My neighbour and I happened to be washing our hands at the same time - we were perfectly IN SINK with each other!

Wow that sink is so sexy. I would TAP THAT.

Is it time to PULL THE PLUG on these shitty sink jokes?

[The Mollusk]

Today my wife insinuated that I'm obsessed with sinks. I said "WATER you BASIN those accusations on?"

[The Mollusk]

I've come up with a pretty decent joke recently but I'm having trouble tying it together:

Did you hear about the werewolf newsreader who was shot dead live on air?

There was a special bulletin! (Bullet in - silver bullet gag)

It doesn't flow well enough though, since if you excuse the pun, the punchline isn't really a warranted reply to the question. Similarly you can't say "It was during a special bulletin" because that renders the pun invalid. Anyone care to help flesh out what could potentially be the greatest joke of all time?

[thenoise]

A man turned into wolf on the news

Werewolf?

ON THE NEWS

[Captain Z]

I've come up with a pretty decent joke recently but I'm having trouble tying it together:

Did you hear about the werewolf newsreader who was shot dead live on air?

There was a special bulletin! (Bullet in - silver bullet gag)

It doesn't flow well enough though, since if you excuse the pun, the punchline isn't really a warranted reply to the question. Similarly you can't say "It was during a special bulletin" because that renders the pun invalid. Anyone care to help flesh out what could potentially be the greatest joke of all time?

How did the TV crew kill the werewolf newsreader?

They had a gun with a special bulletin

?

[The Mollusk]

I had considered bringing the word "gun" into it as well but it still doesn't quite scan!

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I made up a pretty good werewolf joke a while back.

Q: Who wrote " To The Lycanthrope"?
A: Why, Virginia Werewoolf, of course!

I remember telling this top gag to the author Tim Parks, and him guessing the punchline almost immediately, the smararse former EFL Teacher Tim Vine lookalike cunt.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Which actor has appeared in both Lord of the Rings and The Sopranos?

James GANDALFini

[Hand Solo]

Virginia Werewoolf

The Virginia Werewolf was an actual murder case.

[Artie Fufkin]

This is a friend's, not mine. Wish it was.:

There's a basin at the front door. Let that sink in.

Brilliant!

Who wrote the pop song Driving Away From Home?
It's Immaterial.
Well it maybe to you, but it's driving me nuts!

[Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead]

I've been workshopping this for months woke up this morning with this, uh, snappy one-liner almost fully-formed. And I had to share the pain with someone.

In light of social distancing restrictions on eateries, and the growing trend towards flexitarian lifestyles, I'm sure you're all as excited as I am that Scrimshaw's - my local abattoir - have unveiled a radical new direction. They'll be offering healthy vegan meals delivered direct to your door. First item on the trial menu is a tempting dish of shredded cabbage in a tangy sauce. So join me in wishing goodbye and good riddance to Scrimshaw's Abattoir, and let's bid a warm welcome to Scrimshaw's exciting new Slaw to House operation.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I've been workshopping this for months woke up this morning with this, uh, snappy one-liner almost fully-formed. And I had to share the pain with someone.

In light of social distancing restrictions on eateries, and the growing trend towards flexitarian lifestyles, I'm sure you're all as excited as I am that Scrimshaw's - my local abattoir - have unveiled a radical new direction. They'll be offering healthy vegan meals delivered direct to your door. First item on the trial menu is a tempting dish of shredded cabbage in a tangy sauce. So join me in wishing goodbye and good riddance to Scrimshaw's Abattoir, and let's bid a warm welcome to Scrimshaw's exciting new Slaw to House operation.

I'm sorry, I appreciate that you've spent a lot of time on this joke, and in terms of effort, you'd be getting a full 10 out of 10 from the jolly jokes judges. The actual punchline, I'm afraid comes across as somewhat contrived, it's not terrible, but nor is it brilliant, and it is with a heavy heart that I feel compelled to  award a middling mark. So be it.
" Slaw To House": Number 5.

[Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead]

I'm sorry, I appreciate that you've spent a lot of time on this joke, and in terms of effort, you'd be getting a full 10 out of 10 from the jolly jokes judges. The actual punchline, I'm afraid comes across as somewhat contrived, it's not terrible, but nor is it brilliant, and it is with a heavy heart that I feel compelled to  award a middling mark. So be it.
" Slaw To House": Number 5.

So it goes.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

^ thanks for joining in. I feel lonesome no more.

[holyzombiejesus]

Can we have a joke/ sketch about Clinic thinking that their time has passed and that no-one's interested in their costumes any more so they ditch them and then they go on stage and everyone is wearing the masks and they say for fucks sake and the sketch ends?

[Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead]

^ thanks for joining in. I feel lonesome no more.

Can't leave you feeling lonesome in your appreciation for this fine writer. He skewers Oxbridge pretension quite wonderfully, and that scene where the gas-filled condoms get stuck up the chimney and explode, triggering the Dresden firestorm, is one of the great literary comic set-pieces.

[pancreas]

I'm sorry, I appreciate that you've spent a lot of time on this joke, and in terms of effort, you'd be getting a full 10 out of 10 from the jolly jokes judges. The actual punchline, I'm afraid comes across as somewhat contrived, it's not terrible, but nor is it brilliant, and it is with a heavy heart that I feel compelled to  award a middling mark. So be it.
" Slaw To House": Number 5.

+1/-0 karm for this message.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Can't leave you feeling lonesome in your appreciation for this fine writer. He skewers Oxbridge pretension quite wonderfully, and that scene where the gas-filled condoms get stuck up the chimney and explode, triggering the Dresden firestorm, is one of the great literary comic set-pieces.

Yes, and you can see his influence on young Martin Amis, where he wrote that book about the feller going through times backwards, which he's actually quite happy about in that scene where he's removing a rubber Johnny glued onto his old lad with a cheese grater, 'cos it doesn't hurt that much when he does it backwards, or something.

Also, I could have just actually put " Slaw To House: Five" in that other post, couldn't I ? I was thinking of the song " Genius Move" by That Petrol Emotion at the time.


My 10,003rd post, and it's a cracker.

[Norton Canes]

Was watching the snooker just now and couldn't remember if Mark Selby had first won the World Championship in 2014 or 2015.

You should never confuse your Selby (sell by) dates.

[wooders1978]

What's scooby doo's least favourite type of venison?

"Roe deer"

[notjosh]

Facebook just reminded me of one of my posts from 2010.

Being a parent is expensive. The other day I had to buy a baby monitor, for crying out loud!

Thought it might have been Tim Vine or something, but Google doesn't think so. If it is mine I've sadly become even less good at jokes over the intervening decade.

[Artie Fufkin]

^nice^

[Hand Solo]

Being an existentialist for the hard of hearing is expensive. The other day I had to buy a megaphone, for sighing out loud!

[Hand Solo]

They've now done a show all about pandas'* periods.

It's called The Black & White Menstrual Show

_{*Or nuns.}

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Stone the crows! I'm in trouble with the RSPB again!

[Pseudopath]

Stone the crows! I'm in trouble with the RSPB again!

"Fuck a duck!" would work too.

[Artie Fufkin]

Stone the crows! I'm in trouble with the RSPB again!

LOLS

[Pseudopath]

LOLS

_*cough*