Author Topic: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?  (Read 18607 times)

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #210 on: August 29, 2020, 02:14:46 AM »
Crow The Stones! I'm in trouble with The Beatles fan club again.

EDIT. New Page Does Not Work Without Context Cunt

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Well ...enjoy your lifetime supply of virginity!
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #211 on: August 29, 2020, 09:27:59 AM »
Stow the Crones! I'm in trouble with the Society Against Stockpiling Witches again!

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #212 on: August 29, 2020, 05:25:40 PM »
Came up with this many, many years ago but was always too embarrassed to tell anyone it:

Michael J. Fox walks into his agent's office in the early 90s, he stands at the desk and asks "Any news?"

The agent turns to him and squints, examining him quite carefully and worriedly says "Michael.. you've got tremors."

He replies "Oh great, I thought Kevin Bacon would get the part!"

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #213 on: August 29, 2020, 11:15:43 PM »
I mean, what's the deal with sweet and sour sauce? Are you sweet or are you sour? Make up your mind!

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #214 on: September 03, 2020, 04:41:10 PM »
Knock knock

Who's there?

Parcel Force

Parcel Force who?

Parcel Force Be With You

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #215 on: September 03, 2020, 04:50:21 PM »
What would Peggy want for dinner?

Soup or Lard

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #216 on: September 03, 2020, 05:28:30 PM »
I'm not saying my mother in law's old, but she thought Tick Tock video was a digital watch.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #217 on: September 03, 2020, 05:32:17 PM »
I'm not saying my vicar is Po-faced, but he does wear a red balaclava with a TV ariel on the top.

Twonty Gostelow

  • Sent from my bum using Crapatalk
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #218 on: September 05, 2020, 05:34:23 PM »
I wouldn't say my uncle has left it too late in life to get married, but when he proposed he went down on one ball.

Rizla

  • That's not another knife - THIS is another knife!
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #219 on: September 06, 2020, 05:06:40 PM »
Hey guys, couple of mushroom ribticklers here.

Q. Why did the mushroom refuse to wear a facemask during the covid19 pandemic, going so far as to claim that the whole thing was a ruse by the government to increase compliance among the population?

A. It was a "shit take" (shiitake) mushroom!

Q. What kind of mushroom helps you to travel?

A. A "magic" mushroom - it will take you on a psychedelic "trip"!

cheers


The Mollusk

  • I was a hand grenade that never stopped exploding
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #220 on: September 06, 2020, 05:32:47 PM »
Here’s a joke I came up with a few weeks back:

I was down the pub with the lads the other night, we were getting through the pints and I decided to get a couple of rounds of shots in. We were all slamming them except one of our pals who just wasn’t into it, said he wanted an early night and shots get him too drunk. We all started making fun of him, calling him a lightweight and all sorts. Nothing serious, just banter. I then started saying “you’re such a red grape sparkling juice drink! Look at the fizzy bottle of adult soft drink!” but my other mates stopped laughing, and a couple of people nearby looked disgusted. One friend took me outside for a cig and explained what I’d done. It turns out you can’t say that sort of thing any more, as it’s classed as a Shloer.

Suckton Clifney

  • a real hot penis about everything
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #221 on: September 06, 2020, 05:43:00 PM »
Q. What is Roger McGuinn's favourite budget lager?
A. Perlenbacher.
Q. Why?
A. BECAUSE IT SOUNDS A BIT LIKE RICKENBACKER

Anyone?

Twonty Gostelow

  • Sent from my bum using Crapatalk
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #222 on: September 06, 2020, 06:04:16 PM »
Q. What is Roger McGuinn's favourite budget lager?
A. Perlenbacher.
Q. Why?
A. BECAUSE IT SOUNDS A BIT LIKE RICKENBACKER

Q. What is Chris Hillman's favourite bitter?
A. I'm sorry, I don't know.

Rizla

  • That's not another knife - THIS is another knife!
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #223 on: September 06, 2020, 06:08:36 PM »
Q Which Byrds member most resembles an angry wasp?

A David Cross Bee (Crosby)!

kalowski

  • the Zone of Zero Funkativity
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #224 on: September 06, 2020, 07:49:50 PM »
Q Which one of The Byrds was in charge of their denim?

A: Gene Clark (Jean clerk)

Rizla

  • That's not another knife - THIS is another knife!
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #225 on: September 06, 2020, 09:40:43 PM »
Q Which member of the byrds enjoyed playing pranks on his band mates using polyfilla?

A My Caulk Lark (Michael Clark)

kalowski

  • the Zone of Zero Funkativity
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #226 on: September 06, 2020, 10:30:45 PM »
Q Which member of the byrds enjoyed playing pranks on his band mates using polyfilla?

A My Caulk Lark (Michael Clark)
This is the winner, although I will counter with
Q: Which former Byrd kept setting his dad's dad on fire?
A: Gram Parsons (Gramp arsons)

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #227 on: September 06, 2020, 11:38:37 PM »
Q what is the name of the Byrd that keeps having sex with my Irish pint?
A Roger McGuinn is that name

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #228 on: September 19, 2020, 07:46:37 AM »
My wife drives me mad by constantly naming her favourite old horses. All night it's nag nag nag.

notjosh

  • Golden Member
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Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #229 on: September 22, 2020, 08:41:43 AM »
Here’s a joke I came up with a few weeks back:

I was down the pub with the lads the other night, we were getting through the pints and I decided to get a couple of rounds of shots in. We were all slamming them except one of our pals who just wasn’t into it, said he wanted an early night and shots get him too drunk. We all started making fun of him, calling him a lightweight and all sorts. Nothing serious, just banter. I then started saying “you’re such a red grape sparkling juice drink! Look at the fizzy bottle of adult soft drink!” but my other mates stopped laughing, and a couple of people nearby looked disgusted. One friend took me outside for a cig and explained what I’d done. It turns out you can’t say that sort of thing any more, as it’s classed as a Shloer.

Works better if the friend who took you outside is Sean Connery.

Voltan (Man of Steel)

  • 8% English, apparently
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #230 on: September 22, 2020, 12:50:06 PM »
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because they’ve all been eaten by parrots.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #231 on: September 22, 2020, 05:08:09 PM »
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because they%u2019ve all been eaten by parrots.
I can't believe you've messed that line up so badly. Come on, it's obvious: either aspirin is uncountable, in which case "Why is there..." or it's countable, in which case "no aspirins". Honestly, some people.

Captain Z

  • CABBALD
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #232 on: September 22, 2020, 05:50:03 PM »
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the parrots are all pharmacists.

Voltan (Man of Steel)

  • 8% English, apparently
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #233 on: September 22, 2020, 06:19:39 PM »
I can't believe you've messed that line up so badly. Come on, it's obvious: either aspirin is uncountable, in which case "Why is there..." or it's countable, in which case "no aspirins". Honestly, some people.

That’s exactly the way it was told to me. I know because I made the bloke repeat it several times and then wrote it down in case I ever got the chance to tell it myself.

Here’s the other one I know: Bummers are deaf.

bakabaka

  • arsed (not) for whom the bell tolls
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #234 on: September 22, 2020, 06:32:14 PM »
How do you get off an elephant?

You don't; you get off a goose.

Voltan (Man of Steel)

  • 8% English, apparently
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #235 on: September 22, 2020, 09:17:03 PM »
How do you get to Wales in a Mini?

Along the A5.*





*Assuming you're starting from the West Midlands area and even then I'd use the M54 for the first bit.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #236 on: September 23, 2020, 10:01:25 AM »
North or south Wales? Maybe it should be "How do you get to Anglesey in a Mini?"

Voltan (Man of Steel)

  • 8% English, apparently
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #237 on: September 23, 2020, 11:16:09 AM »
"How do you get to Anglesey in a Mini?"

One in the front and one in the back.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #238 on: September 23, 2020, 12:00:55 PM »
Where I went on holiday, the ocean was tilted to 45 degrees.

I was in Anglesey (angle-sea).

kittens

  • kittens
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  • don't have a cow man
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #239 on: September 23, 2020, 01:45:44 PM »
when do you think the film company Working Title productions are going to settle on a name

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