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Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

Started by pancreas, March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM

Previous topic - Next topic
What to you call a person you want to leave?

A taxi!

ElTwopo

I hate the Jolly Green Giant. He's just a shill for Big Farmer.

monkfromhavana

How to the slaves in the Lindt chocolate factory listen to music?

They use their master's chocolate ears.

ElTwopo

What goes banana, grape, raisin, blueberry, pink grapefruit, blackberry?

Spoiler alert
Ronnie O'Sullivan finishing a fruit salad.
[close]

Ray Travez

what pop star collects wool?

Spoiler alert
Ed Shear-ram
[close]

notjosh

Quote from: Voltan (Man of Steel) on September 22, 2020, 12:50:06 PM
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Reminds me of a great punchline I have that I haven't got a set up for yet.

"One's an aspiring rower, the other's an aspirin grower!"

Or I might use it as a solution to one of those Sherlock Holmes type stories where someone scrawls a phrase on a wall with their dying breath and no one can work it out. It was the aspirin grower all along!

©notjosh 2020

notjosh

Quote from: Ray Travez on September 29, 2020, 11:28:54 PM
what pop star collects wool?

Spoiler alert
Ed Shear-ram
[close]

Karl Pilkington called, he wants his Rockbusters clues back.

basterfeldt

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Spoiler alert
Cook it 'til it's Bill Withers
[close]

jobotic

What key opens a banana?

Spoiler alert
A mon-key
[close]

Gulftastic

Quote from: basterfeldt on September 30, 2020, 10:43:55 AM
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Spoiler alert
Cook it 'til it's Bill Withers
[close]

How do you turn a condom into a punk singer?

Let Fungus The Bogeyman use it till the Johnny's Rotten.

Gulftastic

How do you make an old Coronation Street character into a chocolate bar?

Pop him on a merry go round until he's Curly Whirly.

Shoulders?-Stomach!


Ferris

I read an article on subversive political jokes and read an old soviet one I liked.



A new writer joins Pravda - on his first day, he meets his editor.

"Welcome to Pravda, my son. Tell me, what do you think of the rule of our glorious party?"

The new writer is taken aback, but says "oh, well, exactly the same as you sir!"

The editor responds "well in that case son, it is my duty to turn you over to the KGB"

bgmnts

Learning to let go is important.

I'm now no longer a part of Mountain Rescue.

Ptolemy Ptarmigan

Which veteran singer-songwriter often quickly writes nine numbers in a row?

Spoiler alert
First corect answer gets a big kiss from me.
[close]

wooders1978

I usually jizz into a particular sock whilst masturbating, but the other day I came into a tissue and cucked my sock

zomgmouse

A young monk wishes to achieve enlightenment. He goes to an old monk sitting at the top of a hill.

The young monk asks, "How do I achieve enlightenment?"

The old monk says, "Wander the earth until you realise it can only be achieved from within. Then return."

The young monk wanders and wanders. Years, decades pass. Eventually the young monk has an epiphany. "It is within me," thinks the young monk. "I am enlightened."

The young monk comes back to the old monk who is still sitting at the top of the hill after all this time.

"I understand now," says the young monk. "I am enlightened."

The old monk gets up. Says, "Take my place. For you are enlightened."

The young monk sits down. "What now," he asks.

The old monk replies, "Now I go to the toilet. I really need to pee."

Ptolemy Ptarmigan

Quote from: Ptolemy Ptarmigan on October 04, 2020, 02:31:12 AM
Which veteran singer-songwriter often quickly writes nine numbers in a row?

Spoiler alert
First corect answer gets a big kiss from me.
[close]

Some great guesses in this thread so far, but none of them are right and the prize kiss will rollover until next time, when it'll be two kisses.

The answer is
Spoiler alert
Neil Sudoku
[close]
.

Pseudopath

Quote from: Ptolemy Ptarmigan on October 05, 2020, 12:00:30 PM
The answer is
Spoiler alert
Neil Sudoku
[close]
.

That can't be right. Solitaire's the only game in town.

Ptolemy Ptarmigan

Quote from: Pseudopath on October 06, 2020, 01:53:52 AM
That can't be right. Solitaire's the only game in town.

😉  Little Devil.

Hand Solo

I've heard Jonathan King wants to cover Two Little Boys.

I BET HE DOES THE DIRTY OLD BOLLOCKS etc

Hand Solo

What nudey films help you forget about your worries and your strife?

Spoiler alert
Baloo Movies
[close]

Spoon of Ploff

I don't know why they call Keith Starmer an abstainer...

Spoiler alert
He's been fucking the Left for months now.
[close]

Which hard rock band change Dick Dastardly's tyres?

Spoiler alert
Muttley Crew
[close]

Quote from: thecuriousorange on October 10, 2020, 12:45:15 AM
Which hard rock band change Dick Dastardly's tyres?

Spoiler alert
Muttley Crew
[close]

Glam rock, I would pedantically argue..

phes

Why did the barman replace a punter's prosthetic leg with a Corvid leg?

Spoiler alert
because he ordered a Kroney!
[close]

Chairman Yang

I heard the new Chuckle Brothers biography is well balanced. I felt it was barycentric.

Jesus.. jesus fuck, my brain.

JaDanketies

A celebrity gave me a lesson in standing diagonally. It was Myleene Klass.

Did you hear about when all those famous authors wrote about that root vegetable? It was a turnip for the books.

JaDanketies

Since this started with a cheese joke, I will share some nut jokes that are JaDanketies orginals:

What do you call a nut that's looking at you through the corner of its eye?

Pecan.

What do you call a nut you've annoyed?

Pistachio.

What noise does a nut make when it sneezes

Cashew!

What do you call a school for nuts?

Macademia.

thenoise

What do you can a nut that, inexplicably, cures a disease affecting ladies' upper underwear?

Brazil nut