Author Topic: Have we had a jokes thread in a while? (Read 18133 times)

Captain Z · « **Reply #30 on:** March 10, 2019, 10:45:06 PM »

What do you call a hungry parrot?

Polynomial

Special K · « **Reply #31 on:** March 10, 2019, 10:47:14 PM »

I've just been made redundant from the skincare cream laboratory. They've given me my E45...

BeardFaceMan · « **Reply #32 on:** March 11, 2019, 06:16:34 AM »

I messed up trying to mould an apple into a banana, it went pear-shaped.

Prison Biscuits · « **Reply #33 on:** March 11, 2019, 09:28:33 AM »

Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?

He kept telling couples to USE DIVORCE

jobotic · « **Reply #34 on:** March 11, 2019, 09:37:18 AM »

My wife went on holiday to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, she'd recommend it to anyone.

poodlefaker · « **Reply #35 on:** March 11, 2019, 10:15:40 AM »

Johnny Cash, right, has married this woman of mesoamerican heritage, yeah? He's bonkers about her man, he'll do anything for her. Oh, and she owns a zoo like, a menagerie, but she canna get the staff like, to exercise the wild animals. So Johnny Cash says to her "Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion."

Tony Tony Tony · « **Reply #36 on:** March 11, 2019, 12:38:28 PM »

What do you call eight Hobbits?

A Hobbyte.

zomgmouse · « **Reply #37 on:** March 13, 2019, 04:34:45 AM »

Here is a joke that came to me in a dream:

I have blood on my hands. I've killed...

... a mosquito...

The Lurker · « **Reply #38 on:** March 13, 2019, 08:14:57 PM »

Quote from: Special K on March 10, 2019, 10:47:14 PM

I've just been made redundant from the skincare cream laboratory. They've given me my E45...

Stealing that one. Ta.

Nice Relaxing Poo · « **Reply #39 on:** March 13, 2019, 08:26:06 PM »

Stolen recently:

I've just been beaten up by 6 dwarves.

Not happy.

McFlymo · « **Reply #40 on:** March 14, 2019, 04:09:22 AM »

Ancient one:

Why did Nivea Cream?

Because Max Factor.

......TAXI!!!!!

Utterdrivel · « **Reply #41 on:** March 14, 2019, 10:30:51 AM »

Quote from: jobotic on March 11, 2019, 09:37:18 AM

My wife went on holiday to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, she'd recommend it to anyone.

Laughed

jobotic · « **Reply #42 on:** March 14, 2019, 12:29:23 PM »

Thanks. These two are better.

My wife's gone to Alaska

Juneau?

Yeah, I drove her to the airport.

Do either you or your wife know where Anchorage is?

Alaska

Okay, let me know what she says.

but I've posted them before.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5TSiWi0oyw

Captain Z · « **Reply #43 on:** March 14, 2019, 12:32:41 PM »

Amber Rudd: A lady in my constituency has gone back to the Caribbean country where she was born

Jamaica?

AR: Yes

jobotic · « **Reply #44 on:** March 14, 2019, 12:39:18 PM »

Quote from: Captain Z on March 14, 2019, 12:32:41 PM

Amber Rudd: A lady in my constituency has gone back to the Caribbean country where she was born

Jamaica?

AR: Yes

Hats off.

rasta-spouse · « **Reply #45 on:** March 14, 2019, 12:42:51 PM »

^^ good, that

q: What do you call the current Houses of Parliament full of Teddy Bears?

a: A wooly situation

Chollis · « **Reply #46 on:** March 14, 2019, 12:43:03 PM »

I got a job answering other people's phones. It wasn't for me.

Utter Shit · « **Reply #47 on:** March 14, 2019, 12:44:21 PM »

Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

Special K · « **Reply #48 on:** March 14, 2019, 06:38:41 PM »

Quote from: Chollis on March 14, 2019, 12:43:03 PM

I got a job answering other people's phones. It wasn't for me.

That's a good one!

purlieu · « **Reply #49 on:** March 15, 2019, 09:47:11 PM »

How do you make flour out of bird seed?

Millet.

big egg · « **Reply #50 on:** March 15, 2019, 11:30:35 PM »

Quote from: DrGreggles on March 10, 2019, 06:29:31 PM

I made up a joke a while ago, but I'm not sure if I ever posted it on here, so apologies if it's a repeat:

I ordered a steak in a native American restaurant the other day.
Waiter: "How would you like it cooked?"
Me: "Hello. Yes please."

Love that!

Joke by me:

I threw a surprise party for the Mona Lisa the other day. You should have seen her face, it was a picture.

Pseudopath · « **Reply #51 on:** March 16, 2019, 12:07:47 AM »

Did you know that when pigeons have sex they die?
At least the one I just fucked did.

FerriswheelBueller · « **Reply #52 on:** March 16, 2019, 12:41:04 AM »

Quote from: Utter Shit on March 14, 2019, 12:44:21 PM

Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

That’s quality

timebug · « **Reply #53 on:** March 16, 2019, 09:43:08 AM »

My racing snail was slowing down so I removed his shell to streamline him.
Trouble is, now he seems more sluggish...

jobotic · « **Reply #54 on:** March 16, 2019, 09:52:26 AM »

One my friend made up when we were about 14 (word for word)

A woman walks into a hairdressers and sees her friend having her done by an elk

"Mary, what's going on?"

"Oh I just thought I'd try the new styling moose"

Captain Z · « **Reply #55 on:** March 16, 2019, 04:42:27 PM »

Quote from: Utter Shit on March 14, 2019, 12:44:21 PM

Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

I don't get this.

Morrison Lard · « **Reply #56 on:** March 16, 2019, 04:45:21 PM »

form is temporary, class is permanent

thecuriousorange · « **Reply #57 on:** March 16, 2019, 04:55:39 PM »

I looked into getting a personalised number plate for my car, but they're really expensive! So instead I'm just having my name changed by deed poll to R553 NJQ.

FerriswheelBueller · « **Reply #58 on:** March 16, 2019, 07:08:52 PM »

Quote from: Captain Z on March 16, 2019, 04:42:27 PM

I don't get this.

It’s a football truism - the sort of received knowledge that pundits rely on week in, week out. The aphorism applies to similarly-named shower insulation solutions also. Fantastic.

kalowski · « **Reply #59 on:** March 16, 2019, 08:10:52 PM »

When I was 12 I made up this limerick. Always annoyed that I couldn't get the final line to properly scan.

There once was a fellow called Jim,
Who swallowed a packet of Vim,
When he went to the loo,
All he found he could do,
Was clean underneath the rim.

News:

Author Topic: Have we had a jokes thread in a while? (Read 18133 times)