Author Topic: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?  (Read 4344 times)

Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #30 on: March 10, 2019, 10:45:06 PM »
What do you call a hungry parrot?

Polynomial

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #31 on: March 10, 2019, 10:47:14 PM »
I've just been made redundant from the skincare cream laboratory. They've given me my E45...

BeardFaceMan

  • Safely ensconced on top of the bathroom cabinet
    • mixes'n'mashes
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #32 on: March 11, 2019, 06:16:34 AM »
I messed up trying to mould an apple into a banana, it went pear-shaped.

Prison Biscuits

  • a loaf of milk
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #33 on: March 11, 2019, 09:28:33 AM »
Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?

He kept telling couples to USE DIVORCE

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #34 on: March 11, 2019, 09:37:18 AM »
My wife went on holiday to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, she'd recommend it to anyone.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #35 on: March 11, 2019, 10:15:40 AM »
Johnny Cash, right, has married this woman of mesoamerican heritage, yeah? He's bonkers about her man, he'll do anything for her. Oh, and she owns a zoo like, a menagerie, but she canna get the staff like, to exercise the wild animals.  So Johnny Cash says to her "Because you're  Mayan, I walk the lion."

Tony Tony Tony

  • Nobody expects... you know the rest
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #36 on: March 11, 2019, 12:38:28 PM »
What do you call eight Hobbits?

A Hobbyte.

zomgmouse

  • I have party diarrhoea.
    • BEN VOLCHOK DOT COM
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #37 on: March 13, 2019, 04:34:45 AM »
Here is a joke that came to me in a dream:

I have blood on my hands. I've killed...


... a mosquito...

The Lurker

  • Your whole life has led up to you reading this
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #38 on: March 13, 2019, 08:14:57 PM »
I've just been made redundant from the skincare cream laboratory. They've given me my E45...

Stealing that one. Ta.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #39 on: March 13, 2019, 08:26:06 PM »
Stolen recently:

I've just been beaten up by 6 dwarves.


Not happy.

McFlymo

  • Pre-"Post Reply" Anxiety
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #40 on: March 14, 2019, 04:09:22 AM »
Ancient one:

Why did Nivea Cream?

Because Max Factor.

......TAXI!!!!!

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #41 on: March 14, 2019, 10:30:51 AM »
My wife went on holiday to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, she'd recommend it to anyone.

Laughed

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #42 on: March 14, 2019, 12:29:23 PM »
Thanks. These two are better.


My wife's gone to Alaska

Juneau?

Yeah, I drove her to the airport.




Do either you or your wife know where Anchorage is?

Alaska

Okay, let me know what she says.




but I've posted them before.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5TSiWi0oyw



Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #43 on: March 14, 2019, 12:32:41 PM »
Amber Rudd: A lady in my constituency has gone back to the Caribbean country where she was born

Jamaica?

AR: Yes

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #44 on: March 14, 2019, 12:39:18 PM »
Amber Rudd: A lady in my constituency has gone back to the Caribbean country where she was born

Jamaica?

AR: Yes

Hats off.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #45 on: March 14, 2019, 12:42:51 PM »
^^ good, that



q: What do you call the current Houses of Parliament full of Teddy Bears?

a: A wooly situation



Chollis

  • Master of Codes
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #46 on: March 14, 2019, 12:43:03 PM »
I got a job answering other people's phones. It wasn't for me.

Utter Shit

  • Snotty Bumstead
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #47 on: March 14, 2019, 12:44:21 PM »
Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #48 on: March 14, 2019, 06:38:41 PM »
I got a job answering other people's phones. It wasn't for me.

That's a good one!

purlieu

  • Woo-hoo, Lord Nimon!
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #49 on: March 15, 2019, 09:47:11 PM »
How do you make flour out of bird seed?

Millet.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #50 on: March 15, 2019, 11:30:35 PM »
I made up a joke a while ago, but I'm not sure if I ever posted it on here, so apologies if it's a repeat:

I ordered a steak in a native American restaurant the other day.
Waiter: "How would you like it cooked?"
Me: "Hello. Yes please."


Love that!

Joke by me:

I threw a surprise party for the Mona Lisa the other day. You should have seen her face, it was a picture.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #51 on: March 16, 2019, 12:07:47 AM »
Did you know that when pigeons have sex they die?
At least the one I just fucked did.

FerriswheelBueller

  • Golden Todger or
  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Less tired. Still sorry if my posts are shit.
    • I am antsy for baseball in the off-season.
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #52 on: March 16, 2019, 12:41:04 AM »
Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

That’s quality

timebug

  • Father of Serge
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #53 on: March 16, 2019, 09:43:08 AM »
My racing snail was slowing down so I removed his shell to streamline him.
Trouble is, now he seems more sluggish...

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #54 on: March 16, 2019, 09:52:26 AM »
One my friend made up when we were about 14 (word for word)


A woman walks into a hairdressers and sees her friend having her done by an elk

"Mary, what's going on?"

"Oh I just thought I'd try the new styling moose"

Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #55 on: March 16, 2019, 04:42:27 PM »
Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

I don't get this.

Morrison Lard

  • Hear Nothing See Nothing Say Nothing
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #56 on: March 16, 2019, 04:45:21 PM »
form is temporary, class is permanent

thecuriousorange

  • WELCOME THRILLHOU
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #57 on: March 16, 2019, 04:55:39 PM »
I looked into getting a personalised number plate for my car, but they're really expensive! So instead I'm just having my name changed by deed poll to R553 NJQ.

FerriswheelBueller

  • Golden Todger or
  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Less tired. Still sorry if my posts are shit.
    • I am antsy for baseball in the off-season.
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #58 on: March 16, 2019, 07:08:52 PM »
I don't get this.

It’s a football truism - the sort of received knowledge that pundits rely on week in, week out. The aphorism applies to similarly-named shower insulation solutions also. Fantastic.

kalowski

  • Sooner or later
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #59 on: March 16, 2019, 08:10:52 PM »
When I was 12 I made up this limerick. Always annoyed that I couldn't get the final line to properly scan.

There once was a fellow called Jim,
Who swallowed a packet of Vim,
When he went to the loo,
All he found he could do,
Was clean underneath the rim.