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Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

Started by pancreas, March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Twonty Gostelow

wtf someone had a go at me on Twitter for not being any good at ironing!  I can't even.

Botty Cello

Quote from: Twonty Gostelow on December 19, 2020, 01:45:32 PM
wtf someone had a go at me on Twitter for not being any good at ironing!
So you come on here to let steam off, I can see their point.

Christmas is cancelled.

Spoiler alert
It wrote a tweet defending Louis CK
[close]

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Quote from: Twonty Gostelow on December 19, 2020, 01:45:32 PM
wtf someone had a go at me on Twitter for not being any good at ironing!  I can't even.

I'm creasing up! :-D

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Which female Labour MP and Wedding Present fan who certainly gets my " would" vote is rubbish at ironing?

Spoiler alert
Oh, you've probably worked it out, due partly to my preceding post, haven't you?
[close]

Ray Travez

Quote from: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on December 22, 2020, 06:56:21 AM
Spoiler alert
Oh, you've probably worked it out, due partly to my preceding post, haven't you?
[close]

Spoiler alert
                yes                 
[close]

Pink Gregory

Which christmas decoration hates women?

t'incel

wooders1978

Quote from: Pink Gregory on December 28, 2020, 11:41:35 AM
Which christmas decoration hates women?

t'incel

Haha - that's pretty decent - yours?

Pink Gregory

Quote from: wooders1978 on December 28, 2020, 02:49:00 PM
Haha - that's pretty decent - yours?
somehow yes, but I'm sure I'm not the first

Artie Fufkin

What is a horses favoured vehicle for partaking in a road trip?

Spoiler alert
A WHINNYbago
[close]

notjosh

What were Liberace's favourite letters of the alphabet?
P 'n' O.

How many knees does an Indian restaurateur have?
Three. Their left knee, their right knee and their mango chutney.

Maybe I should just become an eye surgeon instead. They always know a cornea joke!

notjosh

Here's a tortuous one that definitely deserved its own post.

Person 1: Do you like IT?
Person 2: I 'ate IT!
Person 1: You mean you don't like it?
Person 2: No, I mean I ate it. In the cafe in 'Arrods!

pancreas

OR ......

Quote from: Artie Fufkin on January 12, 2021, 12:40:55 PM
What is a horses favoured vehicle for partaking in a road trip?

Spoiler alert
A mustang
[close]

Not funny tho.

Artie Fufkin

Quote from: notjosh on January 12, 2021, 12:54:37 PM

How many knees does an Indian restaurateur have?
Three. Their left knee, their right knee and their mango chutney.


LOLZ

phantom_power

Quote from: Twonty Gostelow on December 19, 2020, 01:45:32 PM
wtf someone had a go at me on Twitter for not being any good at ironing!  I can't even.

That's odd

Gulftastic

Our quiz team nearly got relegated, but we managed to answer a tie breaker question on distinguishing between types of flammable carbon.

We stayed up on coal difference.

Hand Solo

Had the dilemma of choosing which of two families to take out to dinner, a band of Irish pop-rock siblings or a clan of dysfunctional animated Americans, I chose the former - because you've got to treat The Corrs and not The Simpsons.

JaDanketies

QuoteJust whatsapp videoed my grandad in hospital with the following one. (it's not good, he's got stage four prostate cancer and they just found a tumour just next to his spine. They've restricted his movement and he's got to have radiotherapy or surgery. And nobody is allowed in there with him cos of COVID. Same shitty situations happening across the country, natch.)


A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, "Mom, why did you name me Rose?"

To which her mother replies, "Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!"

Lily, curious now, asks her mother "Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?"

To which her mother replies, "Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!"

Cinderblock says to her mother, "hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!"

Twonty Gostelow


thenoise

If you're going to post a 'trad' joke, ay least de-Yankify it.

'Cinderblock', indeed.

JaDanketies

Quote from: thenoise on January 30, 2021, 01:37:18 PM
If you're going to post a 'trad' joke, ay least de-Yankify it.

'Cinderblock', indeed.

Do we spell it cindreblock?

...


Here's a JaDanketies original then that I've been working on for the last few days. It's exclusive here, I've not even shared it with my family. I don't think I can hone it any further.

What did the former president of Iran say when you asked him how he was doing, just as he was tucking into a dinner that had been ruined by his chef Chad?

"My mood? Ach, my dinner Chad!"

thenoise

I thought it was Yankiedoodle for breezeblock, but I'm doubting myself now...

dissolute ocelot

Quote from: thenoise on February 02, 2021, 05:13:06 PM
I thought it was Yankiedoodle for breezeblock, but I'm doubting myself now...
That is indeed what Wikipedia says, although I think I'll start referring to them as concrete masonry units now. Click this link to find what they're called in New Zealand!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concrete_masonry_unit

What did the Oyster chef shout at his employer in exasperation before walking out on the job

Go shuck yourself!

timebug

If a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, does that mean that my illegal timber business is still working?


Gregory Torso

What does a Sasquatch use to check its cryptocurrency stock value?

The Big-FTSE.






(i think that works can't really be arsed with)

joaquin closet

I asked Chris Martin from Coldplay who his favourite novelist was growing up.

And it was Saul Bellow.

Kankurette

Q. How do you know if there's an elephant in the fridge?
A. Footprints in the butter.

Echo Valley 2-6809

This one's not an original but I love it.

Scouse couple:

Do you like avocado?
No, I can't drive.