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March 28, 2024, 06:47:38 PM

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Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

Started by pancreas, March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Artie Fufkin

Did you hear about the man who threw his 'intimate hair' at passers by?
He was arrested for being a pubic nuisance.

Top of the page!!

Ray Travez

remember geddin' stabbed outside the Blind Beggar? What were allthaddabowt!?

Spoiler alert
yes, it's Peter Kray!
[close]

timebug

Colony of bats hanging from the roof of a cave. Leader awakes,ready to fly out and feed,when he spots one of his colony down on the floor of the cave. 'What are you doing down there?' he asks. 'Yoga' came the reply.

pancreas

What do mafia bees mete out on rival hive members?

Spoiler alert
beeswhacks
[close]

Fr.Bigley

Why did the Irishman smell of shit?

Spoiler alert
because he had severe Crohn's disease and has to wear a stoma bag, he's sensitive about it
[close]

thenoise

Not sure what range eggs are, but I can't quibble with the price.

timebug

Two scientists walk into a bar. First scientist says 'I will have a glass of H20 please' and the second scientist says 'I will have a glass of H20, too!'. First scientist was okay, but the second one was seriously ill and rushed to hospital.

Tokyo van Ramming

Quote from: thenoise on May 19, 2021, 11:36:26 PM
Not sure what free range eggs are, but I can't quibble with the price.

I've fixed it for posterity. The blame still lies with you, though.

McChesney Duntz


bakabaka

How do you get off an elephant?

You don't, you get off a duck.

thenoise

Quote from: Tokyo van Ramming on May 23, 2021, 07:38:34 PM
I've fixed it for posterity. The blame still lies with you, though.

Wow you found a way to make it even less funny.

timebug

I used to play triangle in a reggae band. I sat next to the drummer an 'ting....

What do Dungeons and Dragons players have for breakfast?

Spoiler alert
20 sided Dice Krispies
[close]

Echo Valley 2-6809

Where was the lead singer of the band Imagination born?

Spoiler alert
Tripoli.
[close]

JaDanketies

What do you call a pizza that has been folded in half?

Spoiler alert
A calzone.
[close]

Fr.Bigley

Why did the Scotsman leave nothing to his wife in his will?

Spoiler alert
Because Margaret thatcher tore the heart out of the Clyde ship building industry
[close]

privatefriend

Why did the nudist enter the Scottish pub?

Spoiler alert
He heard there was nae-kids allowed
[close]

thundarrshirt

A bellboy helps a psychoanalyst with their enormous amount of luggage. "A lot to unpack here!" he says.

holyzombiejesus

Why was the Scottish man surprised when his plane landed in California rather than flying round the world forever?

Spoiler alert
Because when he asked what the destination was, he was told 'disnae land'.
[close]

Fambo Number Mive

Quote from: holyzombiejesus on June 21, 2021, 01:49:13 PM
Why was the Scottish man surprised when his plane landed in California rather than flying round the world forever?

Spoiler alert
Because when he asked what the destination was, he was told 'disnae land'.
[close]

Made me laugh.

timebug

In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. When the discussion heats up, the professor stops them and says: "Students, please. I friend of mine is an intelligence officer at a KGB station not far from here. They have a lot of equipment and I am certain they can help us resolve this." They bring him to the KGB station and the professor's friend and intelligence officer accepts and tells them to sit and wait.
One day passes and nothing happens. Two days, still nothing and the students are starting to grow a little impatient. They call up the officer and ask about the progress. He tells them to be patient and just leaves. After two more days, the intelligence officer show up with a slight smile. The professor and his students are very curious asks what they've found out. "Well, he is 5344 years old, he lived of berries, vegetables and occasionally some meat. His name was Golunk and he lived in an ancient city which is long gone. He used the stick to fight of wild beasts which were vast at that time. He also had eight kids and three wives and the artefacts were a gift for his oldest son's wedding.".
The professor was stunned over the precision and so were his students. They knew KGB had resources, but at this level.. One of the students asked the officer how they were able to pin-point the information at this granularity?
"He confessed!", said the officer.

chocky909

What is the most psychedelic, mind bending male name beginning with K?

Well Kevin's Spacey but Kieran...? Trippier!

Went to Amsterdam once, and smoked so much weed, snorted so much coke and shagged so many prostitutes........and then I LEFT the Anne Franck museum!!

Bit of 'pull back and reveal' for you there.

timebug

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. They were happy but were often harassed by the massive sharks that inhabited the area.
One day, Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
They asked the wise old codfish if it is possible to become a shark. He said, "Your wish is granted." Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.
Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close. Justin realised his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sadness.
While swimming alone one day he saw the old codfish again. He begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy, Justin swam to his friend's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hello, it's me, Justin! Your old friend."
Kristian replied, "No way. You'll eat me. You're a shark...my enemy. I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin said, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Kristian."

ElTwopo

Which 80s Welsh boy singer's skin is covered by a film of organic compound that emits light in response to an electric current?

Spoiler alert
Oled Jones
[close]


pancreas

What's the difference between a hot mug of bedtime drink and a Tory minister's balls on a sunlounger?

Spoiler alert
One has horlicks inside, and the other: a whore licks outside.
[close]

Is this problematic

timebug

Yesterday we were in London and found ourselves behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the kerb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so we pulled over and retrieved it. When we opened it, there was a human toe packed in ice. Oops, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I Googled the local hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck."

phantom_power

The Dalai Lama walks into Pizza Hut and says "Can you make me one with everything"

JaDanketies

What West Yorkshire town do cows visit to get their mammary glands touched?

Huddersfield.

bgmnts

What do you call an aimless caveman?

A meanderthal.