Author Topic: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?  (Read 3999 times)

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #60 on: March 16, 2019, 08:55:12 PM »
When I was 12 I made up this limerick. Always annoyed that I couldn't get the final line to properly scan.

There once was a fellow called Jim,
Who swallowed a packet of Vim,
When he went to the loo,
All he found he could do,
Was clean underneath the rim.

Was disinfect under the rim?

Morrison Lard

  • Hear Nothing See Nothing Say Nothing
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #61 on: March 16, 2019, 09:27:33 PM »
Was drink some more water you quim

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #62 on: March 16, 2019, 09:52:01 PM »
Bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #63 on: March 16, 2019, 09:54:30 PM »
Diminishing returns here, but:
I did one of those personality tests the other day- you know, like Myers-Briggs, where you get your results in the form of four letters.
Apparently I have a lot of drive- I'm a DVLA.
Apparently I'm rather flighty- I'm an RSPB.
Apparently I like living in the moment- I'm an ASAP.

...something about good communication... RSVP.

etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc

kalowski

  • Sooner or later
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #64 on: March 16, 2019, 10:46:54 PM »
Was disinfect under the rim?
That's the best suggestion I've had. Adverts at the time said "clean under the rim" but your version scans better.

zomgmouse

  • I have party diarrhoea.
    • BEN VOLCHOK DOT COM
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #65 on: March 17, 2019, 09:25:41 PM »
"clean it all under the rim"

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #66 on: March 17, 2019, 09:28:50 PM »
“Was ensure he cleaned under the rim.”

purlieu

  • Woo-hoo, Lord Nimon!
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #67 on: March 18, 2019, 05:08:19 PM »
A friend and I came up with a David Cameron limerick, post-piggate.

There was a young lady called Sam
Who had the most glorious clam
David dove in
With a lip-licking grin
And said "it's almost as good as ham!"

My only other attempt at limericking was a bit tamer

There was a young man called Stu
Whose cat fell down the loo
Because of its hair
It got stuck there
And now it's covered in poo

Replies From View

  • Rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant.
  • Golden Member
  • *****
  • Gargoyles have milk bags.
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #68 on: March 18, 2019, 06:07:08 PM »
Knock knock

Who's there

Dunnup

Dunnup shit

Just said it!

BeardFaceMan

  • Safely ensconced on top of the bathroom cabinet
    • mixes'n'mashes
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #69 on: March 18, 2019, 06:21:34 PM »
I fucked my kids last night, I didn't think I'd enjoy it but by the end of the evening I really came into my own.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #70 on: March 18, 2019, 09:11:32 PM »
What kind of cheese do you use to lure a grizzly out of a cave?

Camembert

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #71 on: March 19, 2019, 08:50:47 PM »
But what type of cheese would you use to disguise a small horse?

Twit 2

  • Cyclone par l'immobile habité
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #72 on: March 19, 2019, 10:33:55 PM »
Primula

Pingers

  • With the ill behaviour
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #73 on: March 19, 2019, 11:02:08 PM »
Barnsley joke, which hinges on coal being pronounced 'coil' in a Barnsley accent (no, really):

A Barnsley man comes home to find his wife laid out on the kitchen floor, bleeding profusely from between her legs. He gets on the phone to the local doctor and outlines the problem. The doctor asks "Has she got t' coil in?"

"Has she fuck, she an't even got me tea"

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #74 on: March 20, 2019, 08:19:23 AM »
Not a joke as such, but an exchange that just happened in Costa Coffee that demonstrated my incredible wit:

Costa bloke to Costa woman: "Can you take this over to that guy. Big coat, sitting down."
Me (overhearing and being hilarious): "Is he a Native American?"


Nothing. Fuck these people.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #75 on: March 20, 2019, 02:25:09 PM »
Primula

That’s it. (I never understood that joke though). 

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #76 on: March 20, 2019, 07:47:28 PM »
Not a joke as such, but an exchange that just happened in Costa Coffee that demonstrated my incredible wit:

Costa bloke to Costa woman: "Can you take this over to that guy. Big coat, sitting down."
Me (overhearing and being hilarious): "Is he a Native American?"


Nothing. Fuck these people.

That is very funny. Buy yourself a coffee on me.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #77 on: March 20, 2019, 07:52:13 PM »
What do you call a part African American part Irish rapper, singer, songwriter, DJ, record producer, voice actor and philanthropist?

will.so.I.am

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #78 on: March 20, 2019, 09:13:18 PM »
I signed up to a new streaming site yesterday, but it turns out that all you can watch are episodes of 'Allo 'Allo!

Needless to say, I won't be keeping my subscription to Herrflix after the free trial ends.

Mr Banlon

  • Rustoleum with a fat cap
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #79 on: March 20, 2019, 09:19:01 PM »
What does constable Seamus O'Goldstein say when he nicks someone ?
"Irish Jew in the name of the law !"

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #80 on: March 20, 2019, 09:23:02 PM »
I almost had a joke about someone maybe an old man, confusing a strippergram with a mammogram, but that was as far as I got, mybe someone else can do it.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #81 on: March 20, 2019, 09:38:56 PM »
Where does a sex addict go to buy his powertools?

Screwfix.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #82 on: March 20, 2019, 09:57:11 PM »
Where does a sex addict go to buy his powertools?

Screwfix.

Not to be confused with the abortion clinic.

Former

  • Big Cock Salad
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #83 on: March 21, 2019, 08:18:26 PM »
Why shouldn't you go to a hardsports orgy with 287 other people?

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #84 on: March 21, 2019, 08:43:30 PM »
Does anyone remember cherryade? That massive concert to raise money for cherries? What were all that about!?

Crabwalk

  • Member
  • **
  • I behaved like a skinhead.
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #85 on: March 23, 2019, 03:30:48 PM »
Like with most musicians, Don Letts’s first group was BAD.

Crabwalk

  • Member
  • **
  • I behaved like a skinhead.
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #86 on: March 23, 2019, 03:38:17 PM »
When Blur split up, one of its members went on to form the supergroup ‘The Bad, The Bad & The Bad’.


Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #87 on: April 01, 2019, 06:42:59 PM »
On Saturday, I entered a draw to win a St Bernard dog.

I won and was given two of them!

Turned out this week was a rollover Beethoven.

Mr Banlon

  • Rustoleum with a fat cap
Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #88 on: April 01, 2019, 06:51:08 PM »
What was Red Robbo's favourite Burt Reynolds series ?
BL Stryker.

Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
« Reply #89 on: April 01, 2019, 09:11:20 PM »
The Catholic Church will never accept anal penetration officially as sexual intercourse.

Because this would mean Mary was technically not a virgin.