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March 28, 2024, 11:04:05 PM

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Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

Started by pancreas, March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Crabwalk

Apparently there's a corridor in the 'New York City High School for the Performing Arts' that's full of memorabilia for Bill Haley, Chuck Berry and Buddy Holly.

That's right, it's 'the Fame Hall of Rock'n'Roll', you dweebs.

H-O-W-L


Crabwalk

Hey dweebs, why are twins not allowed to work in fruit processing factories?

That's right, it's because they always cum in pears.

Twit 2

I was reading about the Indian guru Dedattha Syeen. He was pronounced 'Dead at the Scene'.

Bennett Brauer

How do socially pretentious goths greet each other at parties?

"Noir! Noir!"

DrGreggles

It's Grand National weekend, so I had a go on the sweep in the pub last night.
If I'm a good boy they're going to let me play with sooty tonight.

Bennett Brauer

Why did Lenny Henry's kitten suddenly scratch him?

Cat anger, my friend.

Ray Travez

my army sergeant told me to stick a masonry bit up my arse.
I asked him why?
He said "it's just part of the drill"

Dogbeard

I had to do a urine test one time when I had a brief stay in the Priory for depression, and they wanted to check people weren't doing any drugs. I was given a little pot for it. I was discussing it in the common room with some of the other mentals and in the course of this someone playfully took the pot and threw it across the room. Seizing the opportunity I said, "now I don't have a pot to piss in!". These chances don't come along often.

Ferris

Quote from: Dogbeard on April 15, 2019, 11:53:38 AM
...check people weren't doing any drugs. I was given a little pot...

Very irresponsible

Dogbeard

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on April 15, 2019, 12:03:48 PM
Very irresponsible

You think that's bad. You should have seen all the pills and stuff they had - and they would actually hand them out to people each day too. Outrageous.

zomgmouse

Have you noticed how mucus proudly floats on water?

It's phlegm buoyant.




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Gregory Torso

What is a very high waterfall's favourite hip hop group?

Niagaras With Altitude.


pancreas

What do lonely Chinese men do?

They go out and they get some ho fun.

Dusty Substance


What's big, white and furry and goes up and down?

A bipolar bear.


Gregory Torso

What is a deer's favourite Velvet Underground song?

Venison Furs.



you fucker

PlanktonSideburns

Did she go by her own accord?

No we took a train and booked a rental car when we got there



Can't be arsed to write a start for that one. I offer it up for parts/repair

sponk

Did you know that Canada's current Prime Minister is the son of a former Canadian Prime Minister who shares his surname?

Is it Trudeau?

Yes it is true.

Snake Plissken

'Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap' I asked my boss. 'Just pop in the corner' he said. It took me three hours.


sponk

What did the man in prison say to his wife when he told her about his plan to escape prison by mailing himself home in a brown padded envelope?

I'll be back in a jiffy

BeardFaceMan

What do you call a Mexican woman who does fanny farts? Queef Latina.

sponk

I think I'm unqualified for the demanding nature of my new job doing tattoos of the Nike logo on testicles in Latvia. I'm in a right ball tick state.

Bennett Brauer

Quote from: BeardFaceMan on May 28, 2019, 03:20:47 PM
What do you call a Mexican woman who does fanny farts? Queef Latina.

Tina Fey wants a word.


Gulftastic

Why does Captain Nemo never get any Xmas presents?

Because he's always on the Nautilis (naughty list)

zomgmouse

Beethoven's house was for rent so I applied fur elise

Tony Tony Tony

Are you any good with binary?

Hmmm..... on and off.


sponk

Why did Keith Chegwin and his wife give up alcohol?

Cos Cheggers' can't be boozers

Mr Banlon

Quote from: Gregory Torso on April 22, 2019, 04:36:21 PM
What is a deer's favourite Velvet Underground song?

Venison Furs.



you fucker
It's 'I'm Waiting For My Man'

Hey, white boy, what you doin' uptown?
Hey, white boy, you chasin' our women around?
Oh pardon me sir, it's the furthest from my mind
I'm just lookin' for a dear, deer friend of mine
I'm waiting for my man

zomgmouse

Edith Piaf liked most British New Wave bands, but... no Duran Duran