MATTER OF FACT BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

[Gregory Torso]

Rami Malek: "Ah'm Freddah Mercrah, Ah'm outrahgeous, delicious, and contrahversial."

(Goes to see some pub band)

RM: "DAYOH! What are you called, lads?"

Brian May: "Brain May and the Dental Technicians."

RM: "Thaht's shit! Ah'm gonna be your singah. We're gonna be called QUEEN"

Brian May: "Alright then."

(Two years later)

(Rami Malek sits down at piano, starts feeling a bit sad, and writes Bohemian Rhapsody)

RM: "Fahk, that's not bad. Brain, Roger, Bassist. Let's record this in a montahge."

(The QUEEN lads take it to Mike Myers.)

MM: "This is fucking awful."

RM: "Ooh, just you waht and see, Mike Myahrs! You've just lost Queen!"

(Bohemian Rhapsody goes straight to number one, shattering Mike Myers's entire skeleton into powder)

(Years pass)

Rami Malek: "Lads, I've got the Hivv."

Brian May: "Too much love will kill ya, old pal."

Roger On Drums: "Let's do Live Aid, one more time for the old gang. Biggest telelvised concert in history. Each band gets twenty minutes on stage, so if you could spend half of that time dicking around shouting "awey-oh" at the audience that would be brill."

RM: "Dahling. I'd be delahted."

Others: "Yay!"

THE END

[Glebe]

FREDDIE: Mean old lady is rumping, pumping.

THE END!

[Spoon of Ploff]

IS THIS THE REAL LIFE?

"no"

IS THIS JUST FANTASY?

"yes"

[Paul Calf]

Frowdy Mercure: Oh noes! I have awoken on Sunday morning in a Soho bath house stuck to the floor with an adhesive made from sweat and manspooge.

Graham King: This shall not make the final cut.

[Glebe]

QUEEN: Scaramooch, Scaramooch, will you do a fandango?

SCRAMOUCH: No.

[Bennett Brauer]

LORD FREDERICK OF LUCAN: Mam I'm here, Mam I'm here

MOTHER BULSARA: Put the kettle on son. And close that front door, I'm bloody nesh.<sup>1

_{1. She lived in Mapperley, fact fans}</sup>

[Glebe]

BRIAN MAY: I'm just off to marry a woman who looks like me off the EastEnders, write a song for a car ad and complain about badger culls.

FREDDIE: Righto then, Brian.

PATRICK MOORE: Don't forget The Sky at Night.

BRIAN: Oh yeah. The Sky at Night.

[GMTV]

BOB GANDALF: Hey Broian can you tink of a way of helping those starving kids in Eetiopia?

The camera slowly zooms in as Brian May looks into the distance, smiling and nodding his head.

[Glebe]

GLEBE: I haven't seen it, but am enjoying joining in on the thread.

TERRENCE MALICK: Boo ba bap bo-bo!

[GMTV]

BARRY BULSARA: Brian my darling have you taped Holiday for me?

The camera slowly zooms in as Brian May looks into the distance, smiling and nodding his head.

[Bennett Brauer]

A & E DOCTOR: Jesus Christ, how did that happen?

ROGER TAYLOR NOT THE ONE IN DURAN DURAN: ♫ I'm in luuuuurve with my caaaooahr...

[Nurse enters carrying petroleum jelly and a cast saw]

ROGER PODIUM: ♫ Gotta feeeeel for my automobile...

[horrible grinding sound and sparks flying]

ROGER B-SIDE: ♫ Ooh, string back gloves in my automolove...

A & E DOCTOR: What?

ROGER TAILPIPE: This won't be in the film, will it?

[Glebe]

FREDDIE: I'm setting up a band called Queen. Want in?

BRIAN: Sure, yeah. Just let me make a guitar out of a mantlepiece with my dad.

LARS ULRICH: Count me in. Or rather, as the drummer, I'll count you in!

ROGER DEACON: I'll play bass.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

QUEEN: We're Queen, so we are!

FANS OF QUEEN: That you are, Queen, that you are.

FREDDIE MERCURY: Way - Oh !

FANS OF QUEEN :  lovely stuff.

[petril]

A LOAD OF FOOTBALLERS WITH NAMES THAT VAGUELY SOUND LIKE THE REAL LYRICS float by.

DANNY BAKER HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER

[Glebe]

AUSTIN POWERS: Nobody will listen to a ten-minute opera.

FREDDIE: They will, though.

LATER.

MYERS: Alright I was wrong nice one lads cheers see you around.

DEACON BLUE: Not bothered mate off to buy cigs.

[non capisco]

INT: QUEEN'S VAN, NIGHT.

QUEEN have just finished playing one of their first gigs, which has gone quite well.

BRIAN MAY: Did you hear that, lads? Not a bad response, eh?
JOHN DEACON: Yes, I guess you could say that tonight...we are the champions!
ROGER TAYLOR: Calm down, John. It went quite well but there's no need to get above ourselves. It was only our first gig and maybe the next one won't go as smoothly.
JOHN DEACON: Yeah, fair enough, sorry.
FREDDIE MERCURY: (twiddling with the knob of the van radio) I think this bloody radio is broken, I can't pick up a thing.
JOHN DEACON: Here, Freddie, I bet that must be driving you...radio ga-ga!
FREDDIE MERCURY: You what?
ROGER TAYLOR: I don't understand, John. That's not an existing phrase. What are you on about?
JOHN DEACON: I dunno, it was just something to say, wasn't it?
ROGER TAYLOR: Was it?
JOHN DEACON: Yeah.
BRIAN MAY: Shut up, John.
JOHN DEACON: Fuck me, you lot are always getting at me. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I think....I want to break free!
BRIAN MAY: What, from the band?
JOHN DEACON: No...no, I still want to be in the band. Please still let me be in the band. I was just doing one of those things they have in these. You know, like if it was Frank Sinatra and his mate had a spare ticket for a helicopter ride and said "Here, Frank, if you want you can COME FLY WITH ME" and then Frank looks at the camera and says "Hey, that gives me an idea!"
FREDDIE MERCURY: What the FUCK are you on about, John?
BRIAN MAY: Yeah, John, I'm confuuuuuuuused. What do you mean "one of those things they have in these"? What camera?
FREDDIE MERCURY: Sort your life out, John, you fucking sigh.
(they are silent for thirty seconds, than a loud car alarm goes off and they all jump)
FREDDIE MERCURY: Fucking hell, one of them things can really put the willies up a geezer!
BRIAN MAY: Eh?
FREDDIE MERCURY: You know, give a bloke the right wiggins!
ROGER TAYLOR: Pardon?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (exasparated) You know, scare a mush! SCARE A MUSH!
JOHN DEACON: (sings) Will you do the fandaaaaaango!
FREDDIE MERCURY: Oh, for fucks sake, John, you dry lunch! Will you put a sock in it?
BRIAN MAY: Yeahhhhhh, John. You're always coming out with these non sequiturs. It's nooooot coooool.
ROGER TAYLOR: No-one ever knows what you're talking about, John. You're a hard guy to be around. You're always ruining the flow of conversation. You're always just saying nonsensical shit hoping to get god knows what kind of reaction out of people. I don't understand it.
JOHN DEACON: Yeah, I guess I..."Mustapha" problem!
ROGER TAYLOR: Well, I'm glad you're finally acknowledging it, John. Yes, I expect you must have a problem, you're right.
JOHN DEACON: No, "Mustapha" problem. Like 'Mustapha', the opening album track from our 1979 album 'Jazz'.
FREDDIE MERCURY: What's he on abaht nahhhhhh?! It can only be about 1971 or something and we haven't recorded any albums yet. The geezer's gone tonto.
ROGER TAYLOR: He's stone cold crazy.
BRIAN MAY: I'm starting to wish he'd make himself invisible, maaaaaan.
FREDDIE MERCURY: Wait a minute, Brian. Invisible? Man? THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA!
JOHN DEACON: And that is the story of Queen.

THE END

[Glebe]

FREDDIE: Ba ba bap bap bo what's next on the tour itinerary?

ROGER TAYLOR: We're booked to play Sun City in apartheid South Africa!

After the gig.

THE BLUE DEACON: Well that's that what next?

BRIAN MAY: Eugene Terre'blanche wants us to play his birthday bash!

Afterwards.

BRIAN: Well that was interesting didn't know Eugene was a massive Queen fan.

FREDDIE: He didn't really take to me, though.

BRIAN: Next up, North Korea!

Years later.

BEN ELTON: I want to do a musical.

BRIAN: But what about Sun City, Ben, aren't you a total lefty (unlike Conservative me!)?

ELTON: Ooh, bitta politics, ladies and gen'ulmen!