Author Topic: Catching up with the Macaques.  (Read 216 times)

Glebe

  • So here we are, then.
Catching up with the Macaques.
« on: March 14, 2019, 11:44:26 AM »


"Hello everyone, Macaque Prime here. Me and Little Macaque are in fine fettle, you probably thought we'd died in a Russian zoo or summit, but no! Heh, I always joke, we're like a couple of bad pennies that keep bouncing back!

"Anyway, you're probably wondering what we've been up to. Well, same old same old, but there have been a couple of interesting little incidents I feel are worth recounting. Firstly, though, I thought I'd give you a bit of backstory about myself and Little Macaque here. So settle down, put the kettle on and grab those fig rolls!

"I was born in 1965, to a pair of macaques from Taipei. I grew up in Bradford. It was a humble, working-class life, but we were happy, for the most part. Dad drank a bit and Mother was strict, but we got by. Having done lessons in Bradford Local School, I managed, thanks to a special grant for poor families, to get a place at Cambridge. There I met some interesting people, made new friends and developed an interest in the theatre.



"I was a member of the Footlights for a time, and was more interested in partying with the guys then getting any studying done, to be honest! We were the Young Turks... it was Biffer, Boffer, Buffer and me, the only girl in the group! But I was quite a tomboy, and many were the evening when we would steal the Dean's Mercedes, grab a Jeroboam of champers and head out into the countryside! 'Look out world, we're here and we're pissing diesel!'

"But it couldn't last, and finally I had to head out into the world and get myself a real job. I went to London, where I took a secretarial position at Fortnum & Mason. I was largely ignored, or in fact treated with contempt, but the shingle-and-six a week covered my bed and board. One evening in a pub in Cricklewood, I met the actor Geoffrey Palmer. He had caught my eye as the doctor who wanted the sausages in Fawlty Towers, and was at the height of his fame thanks to Carla Lane's Butterflies. In any case it was love at first sight and within two weeks we were married. I got a better job, as a PA for British Airways, and we bought a house in Purley. We has two cats, a car and a dustbin, and everything seemed to be coming up roses.

"But in truth, I was unhappy. It was a loveless marriage, and I began to stray. One of my bosses at work, Leonard, had been making subtle (and not-so-subtle!) overtures towards me, and to be quite honest, I was reciprocating, for the most part! One evening, Leonard booked us a room at the Ritz, for a night of romantic passion... wine, roses, the lot! It was delicious... but then I thought, "Poor Geoffrey." This carried on for some time, always the same suite, until finally Leonard lost his nerve. "I think my wife is beginning to suspect," he told me, "I have to take care of some business in New York, but I'll talk to you as soon as I get back. I never saw Leonard again.



"Then it happened. I came back from the doctor one day with some news for Geoffrey. I was pregnant. "But that's wonderful!," exclaimed Geoff when I told him, but there was a bitter edge to be savoured. "Geoffrey... it's not yours," I blurted. "We only done it nine times, and... and, well, I've been having an affair. Palmer's eyes went cold. It was a moment I never forgot.

"By the end of the year, I found myself a single mum, living in a flat on Wardour Street and trying to support us both with a new job as a cleaner at the Comedy Store. The entertainment bug had bit me again, and for a time I did a double-act with a young Sue Perkins as 'Sue & Macaque'. We were rotten! I used to play sort of punk rock/new wave stuff on guitar, while Sue read some weird poetry. I felt we were going nowhere, but one night, in walked a showbiz manager called Derek Duvall, and it all changed. "I want to become your manager, but you've got to get rid of Sue," he told me. It was a heartbreaking decision. But I said "YES!" on the spot, and that was that. Within weeks, I was getting work as a stock photo of a macaque, and myself and Del were an item."

BUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? TUNE INTO THE NEXT POST TO FIND OUT!


PlanktonSideburns

  • Our love can destroy this whole fucking world
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2019, 12:46:15 PM »
You're a marvelous bastard Mr glebe

FerriswheelBueller

  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Very tired. Sorry if my recent posts are shit.
    • I am antsy for baseball in the off-season.
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2019, 02:08:02 PM »
On tenterhooks here!

Glebe

  • So here we are, then.
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2019, 09:07:33 PM »
THE STORY CONTINUES.

"Within weeks, I had divorced Derek and my showbiz dreams were in tatters. But I realised I was neglecting Little Macaque. He needed his mother, and - while he was certainly 'unplanned' - I had grown to love him, as such. He was like a constant companion, always standing by while I stared off into the middle-distance, contemplatively. But I needed a new job - "those bills won't pay themselves!" I thought in my head! That was when I got in contact with my new agent, none other than Bernard 'Bernie' Delfont!

"Macaquie, Macaquie, come in, love, come in, have a cigar!" I was in Bernie's office in Piccadilly Circus. Looking out on the hustle and bustle below, I thought, "Will I just be an ordinary nobody like them, or can I hit the toppermost?" The answer was simple; If I sold all my values, morals, principals and ethics down the swanee, then the sky was the limit for me! And Bernie had just the job in mind!

"Listen, sweetheart, Richard Burton is looking for a female macaque to feed him grapes all day in his dressing room. Think you can handle it?" I was about to say "But of course, Bernie!" when something inside of me snapped. How could I, Macaque Prime, look my son in the eyes at night and tell him I was a two-bit hustler who fed small fruits to Liz Taylor's old man? The answer was: I Just Couldn't. And so with a heavy sigh, I told Bernie I would "have to sit this one out, babes." Bernie just smiled. "That's no problem, love, I'll give Su Pollard a ring! Ho-de-ho!"



And yet fruits can be fortuitous. For no sooner had I walked out of those offices on a crisp Spring day in 1982, then I was approached by a man who had other plans for me. "I'm David Attenborough," he said, "and I would like to photograph you - and your child macaque, if you have one - in the wild. Up for it?"

"Never heard of yah," I replied, and carried on my way. But David wouldn't take "Nay!" for an answer. "Listen," he said, "I'm planning on creating a photo that will become a meme on some comedy site on the Internet, when it's invented. Stick with me, love, you'll be famous!"

"I never heard of an Internet," I explained. "But it's the future!" he exclaimed, excitedly. "When Tim Berners Lee sets up the Internet in seven years time, thirty years later you'll be a star! Well, relatively speaking," he added, furtively. "Alright, then!" I agreed blindly, "I'm in!"

AND THE REST IS HISTORY!

"Now that I've candidly revealed my past, I can give you an update on current events, over the coming posts... see you then!"

- MACAQUE PRIME




Mr Banlon

  • Rustoleum with a fat cap
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2019, 09:14:55 PM »

Bennett Brauer

  • I'm not "likeable"
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2019, 10:55:16 PM »

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2019, 09:55:36 AM »
Thanks Glebe

Glebe

  • So here we are, then.
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2019, 11:44:47 AM »
Thanks Glebe

Y'welcome! Now let's do some catching up with the Macaques!

"Hi everybody, Macaque Prime back again with an update on events. I told you I had a few bits and bobs of news for you, so I'll start with an incident that occurred one Wednesday afternoon last November.

"I was sitting in the kitchen, staring listlessly out the window, when there was a knock at the door. I went to answer the door. I opened the door. And there, pleased as y'like, was my neighbour, Barbara the Baboon. 'Coo-ee, just doing my usual rounds, just thought I'd pop in for afternoon coffee!' As luck would have it, I'd baked a lovely lemon sponge that morning after dropping Little Macaque off at school. So I took out a couple of cups and plates and got the kettle boiling.

"As it turned out, Barbara had a bit of gossip for me. 'Have you seen the gorilla that moved in across the road? He's well dishy, and since you're single and that, I was thinking maybe...' 'STOP RIGHT THERE, BARBARA!" I demanded. 'I'm perfectly happy with just me and Little Macaque at the moment, thank you very much. Now finish your sponge up and stop playing matchmaker!'

"'Please y'self,' said Barbara, 'but I just think you should be making a bit of effort, if you don't want to remain single for the rest of y'life. He's well hunky!' Barbara left soon after, leaving me cupping my coffee cup and staring thoughtfully out the kitchen window. 'Those rhododendrons are coming along nicely,' I thought, but at the back of my thoughts were the gorilla. Perhaps Barbara was right. Perhaps it was time I found a good stepfather for Little Macaque... and, rather selfishly perhaps, a strong lover for myself?! Maybe it was time I welcomed this mysterious new arrival to The Close... and perhaps suggest dinner?

TO BE CONTINUED.



Barbara the Baboon.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 12:08:21 PM by Glebe »

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2019, 12:03:29 PM »
Lovely stuff! Looking forward to more macaque updates!

FerriswheelBueller

  • Silver Member
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  • Very tired. Sorry if my recent posts are shit.
    • I am antsy for baseball in the off-season.
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2019, 05:24:00 PM »
Legitimately best thread on CaB at the mo. These are great.

Glebe

  • So here we are, then.
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2019, 10:26:49 AM »
(^Cheers folks!)

"Hi all, Macaque Prime back again with an update on 'events'. You know that dishy gorilla Barbara the Baboon was telling me about? Well I met him on the pavement whilst popping down to the postbox a few days later... his name's Michael, and he's very nice. I asked him to come over to Little Macaques birthday party the following Saturday, and he agreed.

"The day of the birthday was busy as can be, and in all the fuss and fluster I had forgotten I had invited Michael over. But at 16:15 - that's 4:15 in non-25hr format - there was a knock at the door. I opened it to discover Michael on the doorstep, all done up in a fancy new suit and with a present for Little Macaque (a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figure, as it turns out, which he was delighted with). He looked so handsome! But I didn't let myself get phased and invited him in on the instant.

"'Well, it's certainly a full house!' observed Michael, noticing all the mums and kids running about. 'You're tellin' me!' I smiled. 'You try keeping control of this little lot!' I continued, jabbing a thumb in the direction of the hullabaloo. I noticed Barbara shooting me a little smile, but said nowt.



"Well, by six o' clock (18:00 - 6PM!) everyone had gone home, everyone that is except Barbara... and Michael. But Barbara soon made her excuses and left. Little Macaque was asleep on the couch, and it was just Michael and I. 'I'll put the kettle on!' he said, with an exhausted chuckle. I have to admit, I was beginning to grow nervous. Not just because I fancied him, but also because I barely knew him, and he could be a conman on serial killer.

"We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes with our cuppas. When I reached for a ginger snap, Michael suddenly spoke up. 'Macaque Prime, I have something to confess to you. I didn't just come here to give Little Macaque a TMNT figure and join in the festivities - don't get me wrong, I enjoyed all that too! - but in truth, I have loved you for some time, though we have only really just met. Many's the night I have watched you with my binoculars from across the road - don't get me wrong, I'm not a peeping Tom! - it's just that I find you so lovely and that.'

"'Oh Michael, I...' then suddenly, Little Macaque came into the room in his pajamas. 'Can I have a glass of water, mummy?'

WHAT WILL HAPPENED NEXT? COULD MICHAEL BE THE ONE?

Stay tuned...



Michael the Gorilla.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2019, 10:43:23 AM by Glebe »

PlanktonSideburns

  • Our love can destroy this whole fucking world
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #11 on: Yesterday at 07:20:21 AM »
Kin ell, Michael is RIPPED. Fair play prime

Glebe

  • So here we are, then.
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #12 on: Yesterday at 10:31:05 AM »
"Hello again, Macaque Prime back with another Macaquian update.

"I dunno if I ever told you, but I once dated Noel Fielding. I knew The Mighty Boosh's Bollo through a mutual friend, and he invited me to the set of the show one day. I later discovered that Fielding apparently only went out with me because he thought it would be "well random" to date a macaque. They were crazy times, though, I can I tell you. I was on one of the Boosh tours, and let me tell you, the things I saw on the tour bus... drinks, smoking, the lot. One evening I went the whole hog and had two cans of Stella... I said to Noel, "Look, babes, I can't do this no more." Yes, I've had my share of the rock 'n' roll lifestyle, but for the sake of Little Macaque, I had to settle down again. We currently live in 59, The Close, Ilford, where, as I previously explained, I have been gradually developing a bit of a relationship with a gorilla called Michael.

"One evening over Christmas, we were in The Nag's Head in Peckham, having a few. Barbara the Baboon was macaque-sitting Little Macaque, and myself and Michael were enjoying the lack of responsibility, downing jugs of sangria and getting the band to sing 'Old Shep'. Suddenly, in a moment of madness, Michael suggested we might have a day out during the week, him, me and Little Macaque. I said okay, but that I would have to run it by Rodney and Grandad first. He shot me a confused look and asked me what I was talking about, but I told him I was just having one of my moments and I think I got away with it. Anyway, we agreed to have a day out around London the following Thursday (I could always set the video for EastEnders!), and so that was settled.



"That following Thursday morning, we set out on the bus, all wrapped up warm against the cold. Little Macaque was very excited, and myself and Michael were in great form. We went to London Zoo and the Tower of London and even had a look round a docked boat down Tower Hamlets way. And what's more, we topped the adventure off with some lovely ice cream cones!

"Throughout the montage, obscure '80s hit 'Zoom', by Far Larry's Band, which was used in the Only Fools and Horses episode 'Diamonds are for Heather', appeared to be playing in the background, although only in my head and there was no audience laughter either. Anyway, we had a great day, and went back to The Close, tired, but happy.

"Little Macaque was all tucked up in bed and Michael was preparing to head back across the road when he suddenly turned to me in the porch. 'I've had a lovely day,' he told me, 'I felt like the moon and stars came out to play. But never mind that, Macaque Prime, I have something for you...'

"And with that, he produced a diamond engagement ring. 'Michael... I don't know what to say...' I gasped. 'Just say you'll be mine.' he said, and kissed me on the gob.

WHAT NEXT?! STAY TUNED!

« Last Edit: Yesterday at 10:54:59 AM by Glebe »

PlanktonSideburns

  • Our love can destroy this whole fucking world
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #13 on: Yesterday at 11:40:32 AM »
YES