Author Topic: Catching up with the Macaques.  (Read 3280 times)

Glebe

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Catching up with the Macaques.
« on: March 14, 2019, 11:44:26 AM »


"Hello everyone, Macaque Prime here. Me and Little Macaque are in fine fettle, you probably thought we'd died in a Russian zoo or summit, but no! Heh, I always joke, we're like a couple of bad pennies that keep bouncing back!

"Anyway, you're probably wondering what we've been up to. Well, same old same old, but there have been a couple of interesting little incidents I feel are worth recounting. Firstly, though, I thought I'd give you a bit of backstory about myself and Little Macaque here. So settle down, put the kettle on and grab those fig rolls!

"I was born in 1965, to a pair of macaques from Taipei. I grew up in Bradford. It was a humble, working-class life, but we were happy, for the most part. Dad drank a bit and Mother was strict, but we got by. Having done lessons in Bradford Local School, I managed, thanks to a special grant for poor families, to get a place at Cambridge. There I met some interesting people, made new friends and developed an interest in the theatre.



"I was a member of the Footlights for a time, and was more interested in partying with the guys then getting any studying done, to be honest! We were the Young Turks... it was Biffer, Boffer, Buffer and me, the only girl in the group! But I was quite a tomboy, and many were the evening when we would steal the Dean's Mercedes, grab a Jeroboam of champers and head out into the countryside! 'Look out world, we're here and we're pissing diesel!'

"But it couldn't last, and finally I had to head out into the world and get myself a real job. I went to London, where I took a secretarial position at Fortnum & Mason. I was largely ignored, or in fact treated with contempt, but the shingle-and-six a week covered my bed and board. One evening in a pub in Cricklewood, I met the actor Geoffrey Palmer. He had caught my eye as the doctor who wanted the sausages in Fawlty Towers, and was at the height of his fame thanks to Carla Lane's Butterflies. In any case it was love at first sight and within two weeks we were married. I got a better job, as a PA for British Airways, and we bought a house in Purley. We has two cats, a car and a dustbin, and everything seemed to be coming up roses.

"But in truth, I was unhappy. It was a loveless marriage, and I began to stray. One of my bosses at work, Leonard, had been making subtle (and not-so-subtle!) overtures towards me, and to be quite honest, I was reciprocating, for the most part! One evening, Leonard booked us a room at the Ritz, for a night of romantic passion... wine, roses, the lot! It was delicious... but then I thought, "Poor Geoffrey." This carried on for some time, always the same suite, until finally Leonard lost his nerve. "I think my wife is beginning to suspect," he told me, "I have to take care of some business in New York, but I'll talk to you as soon as I get back. I never saw Leonard again.



"Then it happened. I came back from the doctor one day with some news for Geoffrey. I was pregnant. "But that's wonderful!," exclaimed Geoff when I told him, but there was a bitter edge to be savoured. "Geoffrey... it's not yours," I blurted. "We only done it nine times, and... and, well, I've been having an affair. Palmer's eyes went cold. It was a moment I never forgot.

"By the end of the year, I found myself a single mum, living in a flat on Wardour Street and trying to support us both with a new job as a cleaner at the Comedy Store. The entertainment bug had bit me again, and for a time I did a double-act with a young Sue Perkins as 'Sue & Macaque'. We were rotten! I used to play sort of punk rock/new wave stuff on guitar, while Sue read some weird poetry. I felt we were going nowhere, but one night, in walked a showbiz manager called Derek Duvall, and it all changed. "I want to become your manager, but you've got to get rid of Sue," he told me. It was a heartbreaking decision. But I said "YES!" on the spot, and that was that. Within weeks, I was getting work as a stock photo of a macaque, and myself and Del were an item."

BUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? TUNE INTO THE NEXT POST TO FIND OUT!


PlanktonSideburns

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2019, 12:46:15 PM »
You're a marvelous bastard Mr glebe

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2019, 02:08:02 PM »
On tenterhooks here!

Glebe

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2019, 09:07:33 PM »
THE STORY CONTINUES.

"Within weeks, I had divorced Derek and my showbiz dreams were in tatters. But I realised I was neglecting Little Macaque. He needed his mother, and - while he was certainly 'unplanned' - I had grown to love him, as such. He was like a constant companion, always standing by while I stared off into the middle-distance, contemplatively. But I needed a new job - "those bills won't pay themselves!" I thought in my head! That was when I got in contact with my new agent, none other than Bernard 'Bernie' Delfont!

"Macaquie, Macaquie, come in, love, come in, have a cigar!" I was in Bernie's office in Piccadilly Circus. Looking out on the hustle and bustle below, I thought, "Will I just be an ordinary nobody like them, or can I hit the toppermost?" The answer was simple; If I sold all my values, morals, principals and ethics down the swanee, then the sky was the limit for me! And Bernie had just the job in mind!

"Listen, sweetheart, Richard Burton is looking for a female macaque to feed him grapes all day in his dressing room. Think you can handle it?" I was about to say "But of course, Bernie!" when something inside of me snapped. How could I, Macaque Prime, look my son in the eyes at night and tell him I was a two-bit hustler who fed small fruits to Liz Taylor's old man? The answer was: I Just Couldn't. And so with a heavy sigh, I told Bernie I would "have to sit this one out, babes." Bernie just smiled. "That's no problem, love, I'll give Su Pollard a ring! Ho-de-ho!"



And yet fruits can be fortuitous. For no sooner had I walked out of those offices on a crisp Spring day in 1982, then I was approached by a man who had other plans for me. "I'm David Attenborough," he said, "and I would like to photograph you - and your child macaque, if you have one - in the wild. Up for it?"

"Never heard of yah," I replied, and carried on my way. But David wouldn't take "Nay!" for an answer. "Listen," he said, "I'm planning on creating a photo that will become a meme on some comedy site on the Internet, when it's invented. Stick with me, love, you'll be famous!"

"I never heard of an Internet," I explained. "But it's the future!" he exclaimed, excitedly. "When Tim Berners Lee sets up the Internet in seven years time, thirty years later you'll be a star! Well, relatively speaking," he added, furtively. "Alright, then!" I agreed blindly, "I'm in!"

AND THE REST IS HISTORY!

"Now that I've candidly revealed my past, I can give you an update on current events, over the coming posts... see you then!"

- MACAQUE PRIME




Mr Banlon

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2019, 09:14:55 PM »

Bennett Brauer

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2019, 10:55:16 PM »

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2019, 09:55:36 AM »
Thanks Glebe

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2019, 11:44:47 AM »
Thanks Glebe

Y'welcome! Now let's do some catching up with the Macaques!

"Hi everybody, Macaque Prime back again with an update on events. I told you I had a few bits and bobs of news for you, so I'll start with an incident that occurred one Wednesday afternoon last November.

"I was sitting in the kitchen, staring listlessly out the window, when there was a knock at the door. I went to answer the door. I opened the door. And there, pleased as y'like, was my neighbour, Barbara the Baboon. 'Coo-ee, just doing my usual rounds, just thought I'd pop in for afternoon coffee!' As luck would have it, I'd baked a lovely lemon sponge that morning after dropping Little Macaque off at school. So I took out a couple of cups and plates and got the kettle boiling.

"As it turned out, Barbara had a bit of gossip for me. 'Have you seen the gorilla that moved in across the road? He's well dishy, and since you're single and that, I was thinking maybe...' 'STOP RIGHT THERE, BARBARA!" I demanded. 'I'm perfectly happy with just me and Little Macaque at the moment, thank you very much. Now finish your sponge up and stop playing matchmaker!'

"'Please y'self,' said Barbara, 'but I just think you should be making a bit of effort, if you don't want to remain single for the rest of y'life. He's well hunky!' Barbara left soon after, leaving me cupping my coffee cup and staring thoughtfully out the kitchen window. 'Those rhododendrons are coming along nicely,' I thought, but at the back of my thoughts were the gorilla. Perhaps Barbara was right. Perhaps it was time I found a good stepfather for Little Macaque... and, rather selfishly perhaps, a strong lover for myself?! Maybe it was time I welcomed this mysterious new arrival to The Close... and perhaps suggest dinner?

TO BE CONTINUED.



Barbara the Baboon.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 12:08:21 PM by Glebe »

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2019, 12:03:29 PM »
Lovely stuff! Looking forward to more macaque updates!

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2019, 05:24:00 PM »
Legitimately best thread on CaB at the mo. These are great.

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2019, 10:26:49 AM »
(^Cheers folks!)

"Hi all, Macaque Prime back again with an update on 'events'. You know that dishy gorilla Barbara the Baboon was telling me about? Well I met him on the pavement whilst popping down to the postbox a few days later... his name's Michael, and he's very nice. I asked him to come over to Little Macaques birthday party the following Saturday, and he agreed.

"The day of the birthday was busy as can be, and in all the fuss and fluster I had forgotten I had invited Michael over. But at 16:15 - that's 4:15 in non-25hr format - there was a knock at the door. I opened it to discover Michael on the doorstep, all done up in a fancy new suit and with a present for Little Macaque (a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figure, as it turns out, which he was delighted with). He looked so handsome! But I didn't let myself get phased and invited him in on the instant.

"'Well, it's certainly a full house!' observed Michael, noticing all the mums and kids running about. 'You're tellin' me!' I smiled. 'You try keeping control of this little lot!' I continued, jabbing a thumb in the direction of the hullabaloo. I noticed Barbara shooting me a little smile, but said nowt.



"Well, by six o' clock (18:00 - 6PM!) everyone had gone home, everyone that is except Barbara... and Michael. But Barbara soon made her excuses and left. Little Macaque was asleep on the couch, and it was just Michael and I. 'I'll put the kettle on!' he said, with an exhausted chuckle. I have to admit, I was beginning to grow nervous. Not just because I fancied him, but also because I barely knew him, and he could be a conman on serial killer.

"We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes with our cuppas. When I reached for a ginger snap, Michael suddenly spoke up. 'Macaque Prime, I have something to confess to you. I didn't just come here to give Little Macaque a TMNT figure and join in the festivities - don't get me wrong, I enjoyed all that too! - but in truth, I have loved you for some time, though we have only really just met. Many's the night I have watched you with my binoculars from across the road - don't get me wrong, I'm not a peeping Tom! - it's just that I find you so lovely and that.'

"'Oh Michael, I...' then suddenly, Little Macaque came into the room in his pajamas. 'Can I have a glass of water, mummy?'

WHAT WILL HAPPENED NEXT? COULD MICHAEL BE THE ONE?

Stay tuned...



Michael the Gorilla.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2019, 10:43:23 AM by Glebe »

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2019, 07:20:21 AM »
Kin ell, Michael is RIPPED. Fair play prime

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2019, 10:31:05 AM »
"Hello again, Macaque Prime back with another Macaquian update.

"I dunno if I ever told you, but I once dated Noel Fielding. I knew The Mighty Boosh's Bollo through a mutual friend, and he invited me to the set of the show one day. I later discovered that Fielding apparently only went out with me because he thought it would be "well random" to date a macaque. They were crazy times, though, I can I tell you. I was on one of the Boosh tours, and let me tell you, the things I saw on the tour bus... drinks, smoking, the lot. One evening I went the whole hog and had two cans of Stella... I said to Noel, "Look, babes, I can't do this no more." Yes, I've had my share of the rock 'n' roll lifestyle, but for the sake of Little Macaque, I had to settle down again. We currently live in 59, The Close, Ilford, where, as I previously explained, I have been gradually developing a bit of a relationship with a gorilla called Michael.

"One evening over Christmas, we were in The Nag's Head in Peckham, having a few. Barbara the Baboon was macaque-sitting Little Macaque, and myself and Michael were enjoying the lack of responsibility, downing jugs of sangria and getting the band to sing 'Old Shep'. Suddenly, in a moment of madness, Michael suggested we might have a day out during the week, him, me and Little Macaque. I said okay, but that I would have to run it by Rodney and Grandad first. He shot me a confused look and asked me what I was talking about, but I told him I was just having one of my moments and I think I got away with it. Anyway, we agreed to have a day out around London the following Thursday (I could always set the video for EastEnders!), and so that was settled.



"That following Thursday morning, we set out on the bus, all wrapped up warm against the cold. Little Macaque was very excited, and myself and Michael were in great form. We went to London Zoo and the Tower of London and even had a look round a docked boat down Tower Hamlets way. And what's more, we topped the adventure off with some lovely ice cream cones!

"Throughout the montage, obscure '80s hit 'Zoom', by Far Larry's Band, which was used in the Only Fools and Horses episode 'Diamonds are for Heather', appeared to be playing in the background, although only in my head and there was no audience laughter either. Anyway, we had a great day, and went back to The Close, tired, but happy.

"Little Macaque was all tucked up in bed and Michael was preparing to head back across the road when he suddenly turned to me in the porch. 'I've had a lovely day,' he told me, 'I felt like the moon and stars came out to play. But never mind that, Macaque Prime, I have something for you...'

"And with that, he produced a diamond engagement ring. 'Michael... I don't know what to say...' I gasped. 'Just say you'll be mine.' he said, and kissed me on the gob.

WHAT NEXT?! STAY TUNED!

« Last Edit: March 18, 2019, 10:54:59 AM by Glebe »

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2019, 11:40:32 AM »
YES

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2019, 12:18:35 PM »
"Hi, Macaque Prime back again with the latest.

"The last time we spoke, Michael the Gorilla had left me on the doorstep with an engagement ring. Well, I am very excited to tell you that I accepted his romantic proposal, and since then, he has moved in with us. But things haven't been entirely rosy in the garden, as I will explain.

"One day in early January, I spotted a Dr. Dolittle (the one with Eddie Murphy) DVD in Poundland for a mere £1.49. I thought 'I'm 'avin that!' To be honest, I much prefer Murphy's earlier, non-PC work such as Raw, but I thought this would be a good, family-friendly film for myself and Michael to watch with Little Macque. I discussed this with Michael later, and we agreed to have a nice family movie night that very evening. Michael even popped over to the shops to buy some bags of popcorn and all!



"So that evening, at seven o' clock precisely, Michael switched on the DVD player and inserted the 'disk' into the machine. I'm no good with these bloody things, I'm a bit of a technophobe, if I'm honest! Anyway, we all settled down and were enjoying the movie up till about an hour in.

"Suddenly, during a talky scene without too many laughs, Michael started to get a bit huffy. He began looking at his watch, and I swear he gave Little Macaque daggers as if it was his fault we had to watch the film. But then came the clincher: 'I wonder if the lads are in the pub now?'

"'THAT'S ENOUGH, MICHAEL!' I yelled, immediately regretting it and hoping the neighbours couldn't hear. In a calmer voice, I told him, 'If you're not enjoying the movie then leave me and Little Macaque to watch it on our own.'

"And with that, he grabbed his coat and made a bee-line for the front door. 'GOOD RIDDANCE!' I shouted, as the door slammed. After a few minutes, Little Macaque looked up to me and asked, are you alright, mummy?' 'Yes, I'm fine, love,' I lied.



"Hand on heart, I've been having my doubts about Michael ever since he moved in. He's always blocking the toilet, makes lousy coffee and he likes horror films, which I can't stand. The only reason I watched Ghost was cos I had a crush on Patrick Swayze at the time (who didn't?!). Anyway, Michael didn't arrive home till one o' clock that night - and he came in the door stinking of booze.

"'That's it -your out!' I told him. 'No, please, Macaque Prime... just give me one more night!

TO BE CONTINUED.

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2019, 12:23:52 PM »
I hope the Macaques don't go on holiday to Portugal.

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2019, 12:27:53 PM »
Sounds like Michael needs a kick up the arse, or he's going to miss out on a real PRIME macaque. You deserve better prime, I hope you get it x x

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2019, 01:07:09 PM »
Why would you invite someone to live with you and then force them to watch Eddie Murphy films?

#TeamMichael

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2019, 09:02:21 PM »
Why would you invite someone to live with you and then force them to watch Eddie Murphy films?

#TeamMichael

Controversial!

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #19 on: March 22, 2019, 03:15:27 AM »
"'Tea's up!'

"Tea's up indeed! When last we spoke, I was having relationship troubles with Michael the Gorilla. Well gratefully, those probs were quickly patched over. Michael quickly swore off the booze and promised to be more patient and understanding in future. As we sat in the kitchen enjoying our cuppas, the Hobnobs quickly vanishing off the plate, we even managed to settle on a date for the wedding: March 1st.

"Preparations has already began by the time I had brewed up another pot, but I was in giddy mood and I left Michael to set plans in motion. He was busily writing up the guest list when I was suddenly struck by a wacky idea; why don't we dress up as Kiki Dee and Elton John and reenact the music video for 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart'? 'What, at the wedding?' inquired Michael. 'No, you daft nuncheon, I mean now!' Michael looked somewhat dumbstruck but he quickly warmed to the idea. 'Okay, then! It'll give Little Macaque a bit of a chuckle when he comes in from school!'



"We would need to act fast if we were to surprize Little Macaque. And so with that in mind, I hastily grabbed some naff old clothes from the wardrobe, and Michael fished a pair of flamboyant sunglasses that a gay friend owned from out of his belongings. I'm no good with laptops, but Michael managed to find a karaoke version of the song on YouTube for us to sing along to. To finish off the illusion, I found an old recording studio microphone that my father - who knew George Martin very well - had once owned.

"Little Macaque has his own door key now, and when we heard the front door open, we took our places. As soon as he came into the room, his mouth fell open and he dropped his satchel. Michael quickly pressed play on the computer, and the music started up.

"To be honest I was concerned that Little Macaque was a bit weirded out by it all at first, but by the second verse he appeared to be in hysterics. He was very quiet for the rest of the night, mind. Anyway, things were going well with Michael again and I knew that we would make a very happily married couple!

TO BE CONTINUED.


FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #20 on: March 22, 2019, 03:18:34 AM »
Told you Michael was a keeper!

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #21 on: March 22, 2019, 07:13:49 AM »
Bit suspicious about his 'mates' gay glasses mind.

Mr Eggs

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #22 on: March 22, 2019, 07:37:20 AM »






HE FUCKING KILLED HER.

I don't care what THE EXPRESS says.

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #23 on: March 23, 2019, 03:35:45 PM »
"'Put the space hopper on the couch and jiggle it about a bit!'

"Hi folks, Macaque Prime here. We were doing a bit of rearranging in the house, and there was a really wonderful atmosphere as the big wedding got nearer. 'That's it, you move your end!' Yes, it was all go in the house, with furniture and bric-a-brac hither and thither! 'Put that tea cosy back, Little Macaque! Barbara, could you shift that box for me please? Michael!'

"Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael. We were very much in love, but I would be lying if I were to suggest that there weren't still a few wrinkles to be ironed out in the relationship. We would disagree from time to time, that I can tell you. I'd want to watch Pointless of an evening, when he'd suddenly get the urge to watch that Gold Rush on the Discovery channel. 'Why don't you set the record box thing, you're good with that! Goodness me!'

"And now he wants to get The Netflix! 'There aren't enough hours in the day to binge on boxsets!' I told him. He went off in a huff, like a big child. But there were more serious problems afoot, as I will now explain.

"One evening, I came home to find him with his trousers around his ankles and his big gorilla's cock in his hand, the TV paused on Kate Humble presenting Springwatch. 'MICHAEL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!' 'Look, I'm only human, love,' he protested, ' well, gorilla, but... we have needs too!'

"'Aren't I enough for you?' I pleaded. He gave me a smile and suggested we move into the bedroom for a quicky, before Little Macaque got home. And I'm afraid to say I acquiesced... I was helpless for his charms, as ever! 'I'm gonna give you a stuffin' with me big monkey penis!' he chuckled suggestively!

"But he has a tender side, too. One evening I found an old cassette tape of shit band Marillion's 1985 hit 'Kayleigh' among Michael's belongings. I thought of the line, 'I didn't mean to break your heart... but you broke mine.' Oh Michael, you really are a softy at heart, aren't you?



"But then it happened. One evening, I found his phone on the coffee table, with a text message reading 'c u soon luv u'. Had Michael been cheating? I decided to go on Mumsnet to get some advice. I started a 'thread' entitled 'Gorilla hubby-to-be not being faithful?' I only got one reply, from 'Sarah' in Gloucester, apparently, who said 'Dump the cheating gorilla bastard all men are scum I mean all gorillas are scum.' And after all that, I realised that Michael had sent the text to me! What was I thinking?!

"Anyway, back to the house rearrangement. It was all going well, when I suddenly made a foolish mistake; I accidentally dropped my end of the couch. 'ARGGGGGHH!!!' screamed Michael, 'me foot!' 'Oh I'm so sorry, Michael!' 'FUCK OFF Y'CLUMSY MACAQUE COW!' he bellowed. Thankfully, Barbara had gone home by that stage, but Little Macaque was watching the kerfuffle from the kitchen. And at that point, I just lost it.

"'I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE, MICHAEL!' He gave me a peeved look as nursed his wounded toe, then burst out; 'Alright! If that's how it is! I'm going! goodbye!'

"I told Little Macaque to go and wait in his room, and headed out the door after Michael. He was halfway down the street, still struggling to get his coat on, and I had to yell after him. 'MICHAEL, I'M SORRY... I'LL BE LOST IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW!'

TO BE CONTINUED.


Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #24 on: March 23, 2019, 11:23:18 PM »
I think you can do better than Michael, honestly. Maybe you don't have to just go for gorillas, there are some nice mandrills out there too.

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #25 on: April 02, 2019, 01:47:05 AM »
I think you can do better than Michael, honestly. Maybe you don't have to just go for gorillas, there are some nice mandrills out there too.

"MrsWarboysLover, in answer to your suggestion, may I say I would never stoop to mandrills. I'm not prejudiced our anything, it's just that they don't abide by our rules, if you know what I mean.

"Meanwhile, you may remember last post how Michael walked out on me. Well, I managed to coax him back, with the promises of hot cocoa and warm hugs. Life was good again!

"And, of course, the wedding was back on. In the meantime, things hadn't exactly settled back to normal... I was having my doubts about Michael, and when I figured out how to look at his 'browser history', I got a bit of a shock... no, there were no nudie pics of wild macaques, but I did see a link called 'notgaymacaquejustcurious.co.uk'. This sent me into a tizzy, and I had to confront Michael about it. He was annoyed that I was spying on his Internet things, but explained that it had been an unwanted 'pop up' thing. After a moment's consideration, I gave him a smile and apologised. All seemed to be well, although I have to admit he seemed to be avoiding looking me in the eyes in a furtive way and I could have sworn he had his fingers crossed behind his back.

"Nevermind. I decided that what he needed was some good, hard, honest toil and a bit of fresh air... to that end, I decided that we would become self-sufficient, and go 'off grid'! I sent him out to tidy up the garden while I popped down to the local B&Q to get some chicken wire and things!



"By the end of the week, Michael was a born-again farmer-slash-gardener - and I wasn't doing too bad meself, cabbage-wise! I saw a healthy change in him that bucked my spirits up. That Saturday morning, while Little Macaque was off at Macaque Camp, the pair of us got out there and started weeding and digging like nobody's business! Previously, I had been the one who enjoyed tending flowers, but now Michael was developing an unforeseen passion for the flowerbed. 'Keep an eye out love, if those local chimps get anywhere near my prize azaleas again there'll be blue murder!'

"At that moment, Barbara's husband George the Baboon popped his head over the fence. 'Oi Macaque Prime, watch out... I hear Michael has a few pansies at the bottom of the garden!

"I had never liked George. He was always either very standoffish or - when, I suspect, he'd been at the brandy - sarky and unpleasant. 'Ignore him, Michael," I whispered to my groom-to-be. George was just about to go when he turned back and piped up again. 'Oh, by the way you two, Barbara has invited you both over for drinks this afternoon. Two o' clock, or thereabouts. Toodle-pip, then!'



George the Baboon.

"We called into Barbara and George at 2PM sharp. Barbara answered the door in her best hat, and started putting on her airs and graces. "Oh, come in, darlings! Sherry, Macaque Prime? Oh hello Michael!'

"'Oh stop being such a snob, love! Come along, you pair, that cognac won't drink itself!' I have to say, while George could be a bit of creep by turns, it was nice to see him take Barbara down a peg or two. 'Come on, Barbara! She looks like she's dressed for the races, doesn't she?'

"We moved into the lounge and settled down for an afternoon of fine wines and good chat. Surprisingly, George showed a more affable side than usual and I began to feel the imaginary, ice-like wall between us melt. Michael and Barbara were getting on well, too.

"By five o' clock, it was time to go home. 'Look after yourselves, Macaque Prime and Michael!' chirruped Barbara. 'Yes, and don't be a stranger!' grinned George. 'By the way, Prime old thing, we should be calling you Barbara, like Felicity Kendal in The Good Life, which this particular post seems to be riffing on!

"I overlooked George's odd comment, but just before we headed down the garden path, he pulled me aside and said he had something to tell me. 'Prime, I'm madly in love with you! Please don't marry Michael, have me! I'd leave Barbara in an instant!'

"I was shocked at this revelation, but held my nerve. 'George, ours is a love that can never be. Now put all this behind you and move on.'

"He seemed sad, distant. 'Very well,' he sighed, 'maybe we can never be lovers, you and I, but at least I can dream about you!'

TO BE CONTINUED!

« Last Edit: April 02, 2019, 01:57:27 AM by Glebe »

chveik

  • I will monetize your eyeballs
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #26 on: April 02, 2019, 02:07:33 AM »
macaques soap opera at its finest!

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #27 on: April 02, 2019, 08:53:42 AM »
Ooh, could there be some hot suburban ape wife-swapping on the cards? I'd watch out for that couple next door...

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #28 on: April 10, 2019, 12:42:26 PM »
"'You've had three poppadoms already!'

"Hi all, Macaque Prime back with another update. The wedding was fast approaching, and we take up the story in The Star of Bengal, were myself and Michael where joined by Barbara and George for a lovely meal. Michael was stuffing his face - as usual! - but my mind was distracted by Barbara, who was becoming particularly flirtatious on her second glass of wine. It was a case of "Hands off my man!" and so I told the boys to "excuse us both as we are just popping off to the Ladies to powder our noses, aren't we, Barbara?' (She gave me daggers!) As we touched up our makeups in the bathroom mirror, I told Babs in no uncertain terms to get tae fuck and stop making a play for Michael. 'Primey, we're friends, I would never do such a thing!' 'Well you certainly weren't keeping your hands to yourself out there!' I snapped. But I couldn't stay angry with her for long. She was right, we were good friends, and besides, I could never see Michael shagging Barbara, she's not pretty enough for him.

"Otherwise, the meal went swimmingly, and we all went home, tired, but happy. I didn't drop off till all hours that night, however... I've had other things on my mind besides the imminent wedding. Little Macaque has just started secondary school, and is being bullied because of his new NHS glasses. I've had a little chat with the headmistress Mrs. MacaqueClusky, and she has warned me about an older boy called 'Mad' Martin Mulcahy who enjoys tormenting the first years. What's more, he has a particular hatred for macaques (Ilford Comprehensive has a mixed-species policy, and admits both macaques and humans), and has been on the warpath lately thanks to some horrible anti-macaque business that's apparently going round on that 'social media'. So poor Little Macaque has been having an awful time of it. So one afternoon I finished up early at my new secretarial job and arranged to meet him after school at Macaquie D's for a heart-to-heart.



The infamous 'Mad' Martin Mulcahy.

"'You're splashing out, Mum!' 'Well, I've got a special macaque son to look after, don't I?' Little Macaque was tucking happily into his Big Macaque and fries, and seemed to be in better form. But I knew I had to broach the subject of macaque hatred. 'Little Macaque, I know you've been having problems with a human boy at school. Myself and Michael want to help you in whatever way we can... don't shut us out!'

"'Okay then. For starters, can I get contact lenses?' How could I say no? 'Done! But you said for starters... what else do you want us to do?' Little Macaque looked pensive, angry. 'I want Michael to prove he can be a proper daddy to me by mauling 'Mad' Mulcahy to death in an unfortunate zoo accident or something. I know it's a big ask, but it would certainly get that mental homo sapien cunt off my back!'



"'Little Macaque! Contact lenses is one thing, but asking my future husband to sneak into a zoo and pretend to be one of the attractions while I coerce your headmistress into a organizing a day out at to see the animals and then Michael subsequently murdering him and making it look like mere natural animal behaviour is quite another! What if they try and put Michael down?'

"'You're right... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.' Little Macaque took a sad sip of his Sprite and went all quiet. I looked at him and smiled. 'Not to worry, love, we'll work this out in a more sensible fashion!'

A few days later, I was sitting in the lounge doing a bit of sewing when Little Macaque came running in, still in his school clothes and happy as Larry! 'Mum, you won't believe it! 'Mad' Martin Mulcahy's class went out to a safari park for the day and he was found battered to death this afternoon! It's fantastic!'

I smiled to myself. Little Macaque would have no more problems at school... and Michaels friend Peter the Orangutan would be stowing away on a slow boat to Zanzibar with a few extra quid in his pocket!


Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #29 on: April 10, 2019, 11:07:19 PM »
Please never stop making these