Author Topic: Catching up with the Macaques.  (Read 3293 times)

PlanktonSideburns

  • be outta here in a jiffy
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #30 on: April 10, 2019, 11:10:54 PM »
Love it

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #31 on: April 11, 2019, 05:40:46 AM »
"Hi all, Macaque Prime here again (a little sooner than expected, really!)... thanks for all your kind words in regard to my updates! It does one good to get a bit of positive feedback in these dark times of Brexit and Donald Trunk!

"As ever, the wedding was fast approaching ('It seems like we'll never get there!' I hear you cry!), and me and Michael the Gorilla were still having our ups and downs. I guess couples all have their little differences... he likes that Eric Clacton, while I much prefer Shauna Twain, especially her classic, 'Man! I Feel Like a Macaque!' I've been trying to coerce Michael into coming to the line dancing evenings at recently-opened pub The Macaque's Stare, but he's having none of it. He doesn't seem to like me getting involved in local things, not even the local Macaque Women's Institute bake sale... he says it's all "coffee cake and gossip!'



"How and ever, I've managed to stay reasonably social, and one surprizing event has helped that enormously... it seems we're going up in the world round our way, with the arrival of a big celeb in the area causing something of a kerfuffle! I'm sure you're all aware of Malcolm Hebden, who plays Norris Cole on Coronation Street... well, not only has he settled down in our area, he's only gone and opened his own real-life cornershop! His fictional character Norris' fictional shop is, of course, known as The Kabin (I've never been to the Weatherfield-based newsagent, but I believe it's a fine establishment), while Malcolm has named his new, 'real-world' newsagents 'Cole's Cavern'! After a few weeks, when all the fuss had died down and the autograph hunters pestering the popular-but-controversial Corrie star had begun to tail off, I became a regular at the shop and have actually gotten to known Malcolm quite well. But the former The Kabin owner was holding a secret which I could never have guessed at and, oh boy, was I ever in for a surprize!

"One fine morning this past February, I popped in to see if this week's Take a Break was out, and to nab a Kit Kat for elevenses. I love doing the crosswords and reading all the horrific stories (in the magazine, not on the Kit Kat wrapper!). As it happened, the new TaB had almost sold out already due to an infestation of blue-rinse busybodies that had been building up overnight, but thankfully Malcolm had kindly reserved me a copy! What's more, there was a cuppa in the offing, and he popped out back to get the kettle boiling!



"'How's life treating you, Prime? Butterflies about the wedding yet?' called Malcolm from his kitchenette at the rear of the shop. 'Oh, just a few!' I chuckled in reply. When the shop was quiet, Malcolm would often have tea out front, like he does with Rita in Corrie. 'There you go, lots of milk, no sugar, just how you like it. Now, the all-important question... which biscuit?' I took a sip of tea and grinned. 'You know what, I quite fancy a Kit Kat today, Malc!'

"Hebden froze with his cup halfway to his famously-pale lips (which he has glossed-up for the cameras, or so I'm told). He stared at me with a look of frightened bemusement, and took a moment to deliver his halting reply. 'K-Kit-Kat?!' he stuttered. 'K-Kit-Kat?!' He repeated. 'Well... I didn't know you were into that kind of chocolate/wafer combination, Macaque Prime. It's one thing to have a talking monkey visit your shop every day, but this... this is something else!'

"Oh dear. We'd had a kindly celebrity settle in our area, and now I'd only gone and offended him with my biscuit choice. I had to make amends for my disgraceful faux pas - and quick! 'Malcolm, I am very sorry. I didn't know asking for a Kit Kat was going too far, as it were. I'll plumb for a McVitie's Club instead."



"The next thing I knew, Hebden had violently spewed lukewarm tea all over my blouse. 'You want what instead?!' he gasped. I smiled tentatively. 'An er, Club bar, Malcolm... you know, if you like a lot of chocolate on y'biscuit join our Club!' Malcolm was much older than I, and would surely remember the ad, but it did little to placate him. 'That's certainly not a club I ever wanted to join!' he replied, clearly in a state of mild shock. Now I knew I had to show some common decency and curb my apparent lust for chocolate selections. 'Em, think I'll just go with a couple of rich teas then, Malc... if that's... okay?!'

"After a tense moment, the unease dissipated and a warm smile broke out on Malcolm's face. 'Hmmm, rich tea, now that's a proper, civilised biscuit! You could offer them to y'granny and she wouldn't say nowt! But stocks are low... I don't see them on the shelf. Hmmm. Well, we'll just have to remedy that, won't we? Come back tomorrow, and I'll see you right!'

"It was all very mysterious. But the following morning, I popped round to the Cavern to see where all this was leading. Was Hebden enmeshing me in some disturbing, sinister plot? Had Norris - I mean Hebden - gone mental? Whatever was in store, I had to find out. The tension was killing me.

"Malcolm was in fine fettle as the shop bell 'tinged!' and I laid foot on his linoleum floor. 'Hello, Prime!' he smiled, madly. 'I believe you were looking for some rich tea biscuits the other day... well follow me!' Beckoning with coaxing finger, Malcolm led me out the back and into a curious maze of corridors that culminated in a secret office. Once there, and with a nervous look over his shoulder, he produced a large, ornate key which he carefully used to unlock a large press above a worktop in the corner. What I saw when he opened the doors of this otherwise-ordinary looking cupboard left me lost for words, but I will try to describe what I saw anyway.

"Displayed before me on those secret shelves was the most fantastic area of plain selections I have ever witnessed. Malcolm put it succinctly when he spouted, 'Biscuitdom has never known such an array of chocolateless choices! Options, options!' I couldn't believe my non-human eyes. Rich tea, digestive, oatmeal and cracker met my gaze, my jaw slowly drooping in amazement. Malcolm shot me a proud glance as he reached for a packet of his finest McVities Rich Tea biscuits, my mouth salivating like a mad thing in anticipation of unsullied baked product. 'Ah-ah,' warned Michael, gently pausing me with a clean and manicured hand, 'I'll get the kettle boiling first!'



"BEHOLD! The world's greatest plain selection!'

I left Cole's Cavern that day in a state of shock - pleasant shock, if you like. I had to pause at the corner and steady myself against a wall, and though it is a mere five-minute stroll to Malcolm's newsie, I found myself kicking off my heels, slumping on the couch and sinking into a deep sleep when I got home. I dreamed of biscuits... plain biscuits, mind, not befouled, unpleasant, disgusting chocolate selections. Those were now the domain of the sicko, as far as I was concerned. Which is why I felt a bit guilty when I awoke to discover a plate of Hobnobs beside a cuppa on the coffee table, and sleepily tucked in! Cheers, Michael... I guess I'm still a sucker for chocolate biscuits after all! They're the nation's favourite!



Catching up with the Macaques is sponsored by McVities... nation's favourite!
« Last Edit: April 11, 2019, 06:24:55 AM by Glebe »

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #32 on: April 11, 2019, 08:18:54 PM »
Glebe, you've just gave me the best birthday present, laughing about Norris at 3am.

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #33 on: April 11, 2019, 08:40:10 PM »
Pisses all over Chimp Files. Fucking class.

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #34 on: April 13, 2019, 03:18:53 PM »
Glebe, you've just gave me the best birthday present, laughing about Norris at 3am.

Heh, cheers Baz and Happy Birthday!

Pisses all over Chimp Files. Fucking class.

Fanz dallasman - wot's Chimp Files, though?

Btw, Macaque Prime sends her love and promises "another update soon!"

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #35 on: April 13, 2019, 07:44:17 PM »
Fanz dallasman - wot's Chimp Files, though?

It's yesterday's news, is what it is. Grey pubed primates monkeyeing around like it's 1994.

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #36 on: April 14, 2019, 07:53:08 PM »
"'Can't go to school today Mum, got a bit of a pain in me gulliver!'

"'Have you been swallowing detergent pods again?' I yelled through the bedroom door. But Little Macaque just grunted and mumbled incoherently in reply. They're like that at that age, aren't they?

"Well, it was a Friday, and I was feeling soft-hearted. Let him lie in... besides, myself and Michael had bigger fish to fry... like the upcoming wedding which was, once again, fast approaching. The house actually wasn't all in a kerfuffle, it was rather quiet, actually (Michael had golloped down his banana cakes and had already left for his new mechanic job), and the only sound to be heard was that of Little Macaque's baleful snoring.

"Still, there was much to be done before the wedding, but in the meantime Michael had generously booked tickets for ourselves, Barbara and George for Michael Macaqueintyre's comedy show the following night. I could do with a chuckle with all the hussle and bussle of late, and I was very much looking forward to seeing the popular comedian live at London Zoo.



"'Taxi's here! Little Macaque, you and Benny the Bonobo had better behave yourselves!'

'Oh don't worry Michael, they'll be good as gold!' Benny was Little Macaque's new friend, and the pair got on famously, I was glad to see. 'Don't worry Mum, we've got our bowls of popcorn and we're gonna watch Wreck-It Ralph!'

"'I hope that's suitable and there's no naughty bits in!' came a familiar voice from the porch. 'Oh do shut up, George,' Barbara replied to her cheeky hubby. The four of us bundled into the taxicab and we were off into the London night.

"London Zoo was packed by 7:45PM, with Macaqueintyre in for a full house, as ever. Barbara insisted on munching her Minstrels quite loudly, but I imagined that once things got going you wouldn't be able to hear for the gales of laughter. At 8PM sharpish, a familiar figure bounced onto the stage and the place went mental. 'We're in for a chucklesome night!' quipped George. And boy, was he right.



"The jokes came thick and fast, and the whole lot of us were in hysterics from the get go. But there was a sour fly in this joysome ointment, and it came in the shape of Barbara's laughter. Normally she has a polite chuckle, but when she gets going, let me tell you, the woman is like a police siren on drugs. I would find myself laughing freely at a Macaqueintyre quip, before quickly shutting down in irritation as the female baboon next to me started shrieking like a mad banshee. I gave Michael a glance, but he said nowt. He was too busy laughing at a gag about Penguin bars.

"As for the show itself, it was wonderful... up to a point. Macaqueintyre danced around the stage and made observations about everyday life that rang so true to his audience, but about an hour in, he lost the plot and went too far, as far as I was concerned. He started screeching and jumping off the scenery, and then - to my horror - he pulled his trousers down, shat in his hands and started flinging it at the audience. Nobody else seemed to mind, which made me wonder about modern standards today. Eventually, his handler came on and fed him a banana to calm him down. The audience roared there appreciation, and the four of us headed off to a little nearby wine bar for a nightcap.

"The following morning, the phone rang. 'Who is it at this hour?' grumbled Michael. It was Dr. Lemsips. 'Hello Dr. Lemsips, what can I do for you?' 'Are you sitting down, Macaque Prime? I have some news for you... remember them tests? Well, they CAME BACK... YOU'RE PREGNANT!'

"The phone fell out of my hand, the doctor's voice repeating, 'Macaque? Macaque Prime?' as if from some distant planet. 'What is it? What is it?' queried Michael. 'Michael... we're going to hear the pitter-patter of tiny half-macaque/half-gorilla paws in the house pretty soon!'

TO BE CONTINUED!


Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #37 on: April 15, 2019, 01:31:08 PM »
"Would ye loike another ham & cheese sandwich there, darlin', t'be sure, t'be sure, t'be sure?'

"'No thanks mate, I'm grand!' You join me on a train from Cork Airport to Macaqueroom, to visit my cousin, Maeve MacAque... I flew over to Ireland this morning, Maeve having invited me to her lovely little cottage to take a break from the stress and kerfuffle of my fast-approaching wedding preparations... and, not to mention, to help me overcome the shock of my surprize pregnancy!'

"'I was delighted when she rang out of the blue a few days before, and she in turn was delighted with the wedding and baby news. But I'll tell you something, that macaque can talk for Ireland. She just wouldn't get off the phone... 'Bye, bye, bye, seeya, bye...' Still, mustn't grumble... Maeve's a kind-hearted Irish macaque, and I'm proud to call her cuz. Back to the train, however, and I had to say no to a fourth ham & cheese sambo... I still had two packets of Tayto crisps, a packet of Silvermints, a large bar of Dairy Milk (British, but the Irish have long taken Cadbury's to their hearts) and a small bottle of Cadet red lemonade (which was making me wheezy) to go! I had a copy of the latest Ireland's Own to pass the journey, too... it's like reading a paper from one hundred years ago, but talking about modern (but naff Irish) things!



Maeve MacAque.

"I've always loved Ireland, being part Irish myself. However, there's always a weird 'Irish' smell in the air here, and you get the feeling everyone is watching what you are doing all the time, but I guess that's just part of the Emerald Isle's charm! Anyhoo, Maeve met me at the station and we hugged and kissed before strolling on to the cottage. Once there, Maeve got the kettle boiling, and a discussion broke out about tea brands. 'Of course our main brands are Lyons Tea and Barry's Tea, Prime,' she said, although I was already fully aware of this and had enjoyed both brands on numerous visits over the years. 'Heh, it's a bit like our lot with Typhoo and PG Tips,' I chuckled, 'although I must say, I always plumb for the latter... must be the chimp connection!'

"Maeve appeared to ignore me and continued talking about the two Irish tea brands. 'The Lyons is probably the most popular over here, but I much prefer the Barry's, if I'm honest,' she said, putting a hand anxiously to her cheek. With tea served (yes, the Barry's!), I quizzed Maeve on something that had been concerning me for some time; 'Maeve, I know the Troubles are long over, but I'm very anxious coming over here now with the whole Brexit border thing... do you think it could all kick off again?' Maeve took a sip of tea and smiled. "No, don't worry about that, Prime... it was just a bunch of baboons that came over to Belfast from Kilimanjaro. I think they made a film about it, but they left out the Belfast bit, funnily enough.'



Sheamus.

"Just then, Maeve's husband, Sheamus the Capuchin Monkey, came in from the garden. To be honest, I've never liked Sheamus. He has a stern, Irish face and curly brown hair, and is rather quiet and gruff. He greeted me with a grunt, had some buttered scones and went out again. 'Don't mind him, he's in bad form!' laughed Maeve. 'When I first met him at Dublin Zoo in 1968, he was all chat and had the gift of the gab. Now look at him!

"Nevermind. Maeve had a lovely treat lined up for me, as we were to visit Paddy Baboonery's that night for a bit of a session! And, oh, what a session it turned out to be! It was a mainly human affair, but Maeve managed to sing a few classics beloved of Ireland's Macaque Community during the night, including 'The Fields of Macaquenry' and 'If You're a Macaque (Come Into the Parlour)'. They even had one of them 'bodrun' drums, or whatever they're called! Much Guinness was imbibed, and I'm afraid to say that myself and Maeve - being simians - soon ended up tussling and screeching on the floor!

"Well, the day came to say goodbye, but as I boarded the train for the airport, Maeve gave me a special gift. 'It's a packet of Lucky Charms cereal,' she explained. 'May it guide you in everything you do, and may the road rise to meet your macaque's paws!'

"I arrived back at Luton Airport feeling refreshed, but I had barely time to catch my breath when I remembered... I'm heavily pregnant... and the wedding is almost upon us!

COMING SOON: THE BIG WEDDING!


FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #38 on: April 15, 2019, 01:37:56 PM »
The pictures really make this

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #39 on: April 15, 2019, 02:32:06 PM »
Michael Macaqueintyre

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #40 on: April 15, 2019, 07:38:36 PM »
The pictures really make this

Ta Ferris... it's all part of the fun!

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #41 on: April 15, 2019, 09:56:47 PM »

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #42 on: April 17, 2019, 03:01:02 AM »
THE BIG WEDDING!

"'This dress is too tight! Michael, where's that Solpadeine? Little Macaque, make Maeve a cuppa, would you? Where's Dad? Oh, sod the lot of you!'

"I burst into tears. It was my big day, and I was having a massive panic attack. 'Calm down, love, thank a deep breath!' Barbara cooed, putting a kindly hand on my shoulder. After a few deep inhalations, I began to relax. 'Thanks, Barbara!'

"It was the big day, and the house was in a right kerfuffle! Barbara was helping me with my wedding dress, and there was much activity as family and friends milled around downstairs. My parents - whom I hadn't seen for awhile - where in attendance, and Dad was going to give away his little macaque girl! It was a very emotional day for me. Michael's Uncle Barty, a silverback gorilla who had raised him when his parents ran off to start a colony in a forest, had come too, and Michael was feeling very proud. Even my Irish cousin Maeve MacAque, who I had just visited, had come over.



Uncle Barty.

"'Suddenly, a familiar head popped up through the bannisters. 'I'll make that cuppa for Maeve, Prime, and I'll even get her a digestive! They're highly optional!' That was good old Malcolm, spouting his nonsense as usual! You may remember how Corrie star Malcolm 'Norris Cole' Hebden had moved into the area and opened an newsagents, and how we had become good friends. Malcolm was handling the catering at the reception, although I was hoping there wouldn't be an hilarious mishap where he mixed the gravy up with the coffee or summit!

"'Come on, Barbara, get a move on!' That was Barbara's hubby George, who I had warmed to of late, despite not liking the sarky bastard in the past. George had made a play for me awhile ago, but I think he had finally come to accept that Barbara was his loving wife and that I wasn't going to stray! 'Oh, sod off, George!' Barbara cried! 'Go and see if Jane Goodall wants anything!' Famous monkey expert Goodall was a good friend of my Mum's, and had kindly agreed to handle public relations at the wedding reception - it's not often that a macaque and a gorilla get married, and we had become quite the celebrity couple around Ilford!



Jane Goodall handled publicity at the wedding event.

"There was also the matter of my pregnancy. We were going to wait until baby arrived before going on our honeymoon, but in the meantime, I was concerned about how Little Macaque would receive this new arrival. He seemed happy enough at the news, and I saw a new maturity in him that made me very proud indeed. He had recently had a growth spurt, and was now almost as tall as Michael... almost! He was also to be Michael's best man - Uncle Barty had been the initial choice, but saw in Little Macaque a new found confidence and was willing to hand over the baton to the new macaque generation. Anyway, by eleven o' clock our little lot had piled into our respective cars and the simian fleet headed over to Ilford Registry Office for the Wedding of the Century!

***

"'Panda Alpha to Sierra Oscar, we have a heavily-pregnant macaque in a wedding dress rampaging round the Ilford area, please send back-up!' Well, really! I was just catching a breath of fresh air after having yet another panic attack in the registry office. Michael explained the situation to the constables and they wished us well and drove off looking rather pale, I thought! It was midday now and the registrar was growing impatient...

***

"Michael the Gorilla, do you take this macaque to love honour and obey?' 'I do.'

'Macaque Prime, do you promise to be a lawfully wedded wife?' 'I do'.

'Then I now pronounce you Macaque and Gorilla. You may kiss the macaque!'



Our special day.

"'Speech! Speech!' George had been helping himself rather freely to the brandy, and was egging Little Macaque on! And the lad rose to the occasion wonderfully... 'When I first met Michael, I wasn't too sure about him. I thought he was an escapee from Gorillas in the Mist!' (Gales of laughter!) 'But, well, I grew to love him... and now I'm proud to call him Dad!' The place erupted, and Michael was soon like a wet rag!

"There was plenty of feasting and drinking that day, as foe became friend and strong bonds were formed. Oaths of allegiance were sworn, and there was much toasting and promises of kinship in Valhalla. I thought Uncle Barty went a bit far when he roared, 'Tonight, we dine in hell!', however. Maeve almost choked on her sherry. Meanwhile, Dad, who has been studying horology, was quizzing Michael about any rare watches he thought we might have mislaid about the place. Hmmm.

"'It's time for the group photo, Prime!' 'Alright, Barbara, be with you in a minute!' I was just taking a moment to myself, reflecting on the past and feeling hopeful about the future. Suddenly, Malcolm appeared before me with a wistful smile on his gob. 'Macaque Prime, I know I've been a bit touchy in the past in regard to biscuits of the chocolate persuasion... but I want you to have these.' I had received many great gifts that day, but what Hebden handed me there and then simply took my breath away. For within his grasp he held several boxes of Tunnock's Caramel Wafers, a surprizingly lurid choice for the usually-reserved Corrie star. 'Go on, knock yourself out! It's your big day!'

"As we gathered for the group photo, Michael leaned over and whispered in my ear... 'Macaque Prime, things can only get better!'


PlanktonSideburns

  • be outta here in a jiffy
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #43 on: April 17, 2019, 07:40:50 AM »
Shot up little one has!

FerriswheelBueller

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  • Silver Member
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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #44 on: April 17, 2019, 03:03:45 PM »
Shot up little one has!

Grow up fast don’t they?

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #45 on: April 17, 2019, 07:29:23 PM »
I seem to have something in my eye. Weddings, eh?

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #46 on: April 17, 2019, 11:55:28 PM »
"'Cod and chips twice, please, mister fish and chips shop man!'

"Myself and Michael had gone out for an evening stroll, and had popped in to the local chippy on the way home. Married life was suiting us just fine, though we had decided to postpone the honeymoon till after me sprog popped. I'd developed a craving for cod since becoming pregnant, and so fish and chips (or 'fish and chimps' as Michael liked to joke!) was just the ticket for a makeshift supper! As we took the shortcut home across the local football field, Michael quipped, 'I'm glad we got this fish and chips, just for the halibut... I'm only codding you! Hake!' I didn't get the last one and I think Michael was just talking shite off the top of his head, but that was all but irrelevant as a sudden event sent us into crisis mode.

"'Ooh! I think me waters have broke!' Michael dropped his chip wrapper and went for his mobile. 'Hang on, love, gonna call an ambulance.'

"'There'll be no need for that!' It was George and Barbara to the rescue! 'Just as well we happened to be driving past - pop in the back there guys and we'll get you to the maternity ward - pronto!' 'Thanks, George!' I smiled as we bundled into the back of his Volkswagen Golf. 'Cheers, George, you're a mate!' added Michael. Barbara was too stunned to speak, but eventually managed to stutter, 'D-don't forget to call Little Macaque!'



"The car screeched to halt outside the maternity hospital, and Michael helped me out. 'Deep breaths, love... thanks for the lift, guys!' 'No problem, Michael... and best of luck, Prime! If it's a boy, name if after me!' 'Oh, do shut up, George... take care, you two!'

"Within minutes, I was in the delivery room, and the wee one was giving it loads! 'Fuck's sake, it's like trying to piss a basketball! Excuse my language!' Throughout all, Michael held my hand, and was a rock of strength. 'Come on love, give it some welly! Push a baby monkey out yeself!'

"'YARRGGGGHHH!!!' 'That's it, I can see baby's head! Keep pushin'!' That was Sarah the Orangutan midwife. Moments later, a new life appeared into the world - a half-gorilla-half-macaque! We still didn't have a name for him (for it was indeed a he) - Michael had suggested Little Gorilla/Macaque Combination, which I felt was a little unwieldy, and so we settled on Little Gorilla/Macaque. 'Little Macaque, Uncle Barty, it's a littul bay-bee!' Michael called out the door! Little Macaque looked every inch the older brother as he came into the room (with his earring, which I had expressly told him to remove lest he get expelled from school!), and Uncle Barty - who was staying with us for awhile - looked proud as punch!

"'Say hello to your brother, Little Gorilla/Macaque, Little Macaque!' It was a lovely, warm family moment, but then something odd happened. As Little Gorilla/Macaque looked up into Little Macaque's eyes, his face froze like a paused VHS tape, his eyes glowed red, and the music from the Old Spice ad could briefly be heard. Or at least, it seemed that way to me... I put it down to the stress of the birth, and said nowt!



"'It was yet another major event in my macaqueian life, and yet there was one more poignant scene to round off this special day. Michael had brought Little Gorilla/Macaque out into the corridor to give him his first view of the world and its people, and was immediately mobbed by a load of cooing humans, who handed him a newborn human child to hold. It was an incredible moment, as human-baby formed friendship with monkey-tot, and there wasn't a dry eye in the building!

"Well, mother and child are well, and Little Gorilla/Macaque is settling into his new home. I'm tired and emotional so I must sign off for now... but never fear, as I'll have plenty more exciting adventures to report soon - including the rather-eventful honeymoon!

"Yours, Macaque Prime!"

« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 03:05:51 AM by Glebe »

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #47 on: April 20, 2019, 03:44:08 AM »
"'Evening, Uncle Barty... what's occurrin'?'

"'Little 'un's in his cot, Little Macaque is out and Prime is in the kitchen makin' the tea!'

"Yes I was in the kitchen making the tea - egg and chips, if you must know! But the teasmade Barbara and George had got myself and Michael for a wedding gift was playing up, so I popped the traditional kettle on. 'There you go boys, not much of a supper but it'll have to do!' I sighed, returning to the lounge and plonking two platefulls down on the dining table. 'Sit down, love, I'll get your plate and the cuppas,' Michael smiled, giving me a peck on the cheek. I popped my head into the bedroom to check on Little Gorilla/Macaque. Sound asleep, he was. Sound asleep.

"Following the meal, myself and Michael plonked ourselves down on the sofa to digest out meals with a bit of reading; Bella magazine for me (I love all the gossip!) and, unfortunately, The Daily Telegraph for Michael. 'You're getting very right-wing in your old age!' I quipped. 'Just developing a bit of common sense,' he sniffed in response. Meanwhile, Michael's Uncle Barty, who has been staying with us since the wedding, poured himself a brandy from the minibar and settled down in his favourite chair.



Little Macaque looked suspect.

"Just then we heard the front door open, and Little Macaque came slouching into the lounge looking very suspect indeed! 'Alright son, what you been up to?' asked Michael. 'Nothing, Mich- I mean, Dad.' 'What's that smell?' I wondered aloud, an oddly exotic scent hitting my nostrils. 'Here, Little Macaque, you haven't been doing that wacky backy with that Benny the Bonobo, have you?' Michael enquired. 'No, no, wouldn't touch the stuff!' lied Little Macaque. 'Hmmm... here, didn't your mother tell you to get rid of that earring? We'll have Mrs. MacaqueClusky round here telling us you've been expelled!'

"Little Macaque just shrugged moodily, then suddenly perked up. 'Hey, Only Fools and Horses is on now!' Uncle Barty grunted and took another swig of brandy. 'They're all repeats now, innit?'

"Just then, the phone rang. 'I'll get it!' said I. 'Hello? Oh, Sir Pumphries! Yes, Michael is here... you want to talk to him? Of course!' Michael pulled a face, but what could I say? Sir Dennis Pumphries was his new boss, and head of Playmex Radiators. George, who had worked at the company for over a decade, had managed to get Michael a position in the company. Sir Pumphries was a human, but had been very impressed with George's work at the company ('Although as he likes to joke, he pays me peanuts!' George had quipped - and it wasn't far from the truth) and had been willing to give Michael a shot.



Sir Pumphries.

"'Manford? Is that you?' (Manford is Michael - and now my - surname, though Sir Pumphries is the only one that uses it!) 'Yes, Sir Pumphries, what is it, sir?' 'I just wanted to say, well done securing the Prompton deal today! That's another fifty radiators shifted! Jolly good show, man!' 'Why, thank you, Sir Pumphries! Goodbye, sir Pumphries, and thanks again, sir!'

"'What was that about?' I asked. 'Ooh crikey, it's smashing news!' blurted Michael. 'Sir Pumphries is positively over the moon with how I handled that deal today! At this rate, I'll have George's job in a year! I think this calls for a celebration brandy! Top up, Uncle Barty? Don't bother asking, Little Macaque!'

"'Oh yeah, Bobby's dead jealous about us going to New York!' piped up Little Macaque suddenly. 'Now, Little Macaque, don't be a gloater!' I warned. Myself and Michael had decided to take our belated honeymoon in the Big Apple, though we'd decided to make it a bit of a family holiday and were bringing Little Macaque and Uncle Barty along. I was going to drop Little Gorilla/Macaque off at Mum and Dad's the next day. They had agree to mind the wee chimpling while the rest of us were away.



Mum and Dad.

"The drive up to Bedford the following morning was extremely pleasant, the little one fast asleep in the back and not a cloud in the sky. Mum and Dad were delighted to see their new grandson, and promised to guard him with their very lives while myself and Michael were abroad. We would be heading off to the airport about 3:00AM that night for an early flight. It was all quite exciting, and Michael's thumbs up from Sir Pumphries had put us both in good spirits. I would miss the new arrival, but I knew he was in safe hands with his proud grandparents and I would be back soon enough. Yes, being a macaque has its ups and down, but things were looking rosy for the foreseeable future!

NEXT: A MACAQUE IN MANHATTAN!



Just the two of us.

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #48 on: April 23, 2019, 02:25:05 AM »
"Kippers for tea in America!"

"Macaque Prime here! You join myself, Michael, Little Macaque and Uncle Barty as we disembark at JFK Airport, New York, New York! It had been a bumpy flight but here we were, and in one piece (I think!). Little Gorilla/Macaque was being babysat back home by Mum and Dad, and I gave a quick ring when we landed to make sure all was well (It was!). After a quick drink in an airport bar to steady our nerves (Little Macaque was only permitted a Fanta, btw!), we set off to look for a taxi cab to our hotel in Manhattan.

"Just as we went out to hail a cab however, we were struck by a chilly breeze. 'Brrr, flippin' 'eck, it's a bit nippy, innit?' noted Michael. I insisted that Little Macaque stick his warm coat and bobble hat on, while I nipped into the Ladies to charge into a blouse, completing my 'New York look' with a chintzy scarf and classic floppy hat! 'You sure you'll be warm enough in that, love?' Uncle Barty enquired. 'Don't worry about me, Barty, I may look cool but I feel warm!' I laughed!



"Well, we managed to get one of them classic yellow New York cabs to our hotel, The Macaquedorf, just off Fifth Avenue, and after Michael had tipped the cabbie a couple of dollars (or 'bucks'!), we paused to get a proper look at the city around us. 'I feel like I'm in the movies!' I laughed. 'Well hello, sweetheart!' quipped Michael, in a bad American accent! We were just about to enter the hotel when I had a horrible realization; Little Macaque was nowhere to be seen! 'Michael, where's Little Macaque!' Michael looked around, confused. 'I'm sure he got out of the taxi with us... HERE, SON, WHERE ARE YAH?' In all the kerfuffle, it was up to Uncle Barty to take action. 'You pair nip in the hotel, I'll notify those cops over there!' he said, dashing down the pavement (or 'sidewalk' as they say here).

"Once in the lobby, Michael immediately informed a receptionist that our son was missing, and asked her to put out an APB for a 'missing macaque'. 'Oh no', I wailed, 'we only just got here and already the little lad is lost in New York! I hope he has some incredible adventures, at least, before we are eventually reunited with him in a what will prove to be a heartwarming scene!' But as it happened, all our fears were quickly allayed when I spotted a familiar young macaque striding fearlessly through the lobby! 'SON, OVER HERE!' Little Macaque waved nonchalantly. He suddenly looked so small and vulnerable again in his little bobble hat. 'What where you thinking wandering off like that?!' I cried. 'I merely went ahead into the hotel, like an independent young macaque,' he claimed. 'But never mind that, you'll never guess who I just said hello to... the PotUS, Donald Trump!'



'Don't tell fibs!' I said, but we were all too relieved to find him to stay angry for long. After settling into our rooms, showering and ordering room service, we were all feeling ready to face the next morning and our first proper foray around the Big Apple. 'But stay close!' Michael warned Little Macaque.

"The following morning we rose bright and early and set off to see the sights. We were all a little disappointed with the weather, but then you can't expect much this early in the year! Our first stop was Times Square, which was an absolute marvel... the billboards, the people milling around, the general hubbub, as it were! Michael, however, seemed more impressed with some of the bargains offered by a little discount store on a side street, as is his practical way. 'Look at this love, a foot spa for five dollars! I'm 'avin that!'



"'You're not going to carry that blummin' thing around with you all day, are you?' I griped as he came out of the store. 'Give us a break, love, we're on holiday!' he replied, looking hurt. All grievances were forgotten, however, as we sat in a classic, old-style dinner enjoyed burgers, fries and sodas! 'This is the life, eh?' chuckled Uncle Barty, watching the world go by outside!

"Later that evening, myself and Michael took a romantic stroll up to Coney Island on our own, while Little Macaque and Uncle Barty stayed in the hotel and watched, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York on cable TV, with no sense of irony at all. "You know, Prime, I have a feeling this is going to be the adventure of a lifetime!' smiled Michael, as we finished our ice creams and headed back to the hotel. I fully agreed with him, although I had the sense that something was going to go awry along the way and fling us headlong into a wacky adventure!



"We managed to pack a lot into the following day, too, with visits to the Statue of Liberty, the Museum of Modern Art and the Macaque Historical Society of New York. Just as we thought we had seen it all, however, Uncle Barty let out a gasp. 'Look, over there!' he cried. Turning to see, we were greeted with a wonderful sight; Poundstretcher was holding the grand opening of its first Manhattan-based store! But that wasn't what had grabbed Barty's attention, for as it turned out, a major celebrity was performing the grand unveiling.

"'Hi, I'm Naomi Watts!' the famous actress told the gathering crowd standing in awe before her. 'You may remember me from such films as Tank Girl, Inland Empire and Diana, although I was also in blockbusters such as The Ring and it's sequel, The Ring Two! I welcome you all to New York's latest cultural addition... Poundstretcher!'



"'Bloody Nora!' swore Uncle Barty, 'Naomi Watts has always been my big-screen crush! I remember her from such films as Mulholland Drive and 21 Grams!' 'Not to mention Eastern Promises,' said I. 'And Funny Games,' added Michael. 'And Birdman', added Little Macaque.

"Suddenly, and to myself, Michael and Little Macaque's unending embarrassment, Uncle Barty approached Watts and straight-up asked her out on a date, in front of all and sundry! 'Hi Naomi Watts, I remember you from Movie 43 and the like and I have always fancied you. How'd you like to go out for dinner with me tonight?' To the surprize (and cheers!) of all, Watts actually accepted Uncle Barty's proposal, and agreed to meet him that night at a posh Manhattan restaurant. 'He who dares, eh?' Barty quipped to Michael when Watts was out of earshot, but Michael was too busy gawping at all the bargains in the Poundstretcher window.

"That evening, the three of us went out on the town - myself, Michael and Little Macaque were off to see Jersey Boys live on stage, while Uncle Barty had done himself up to the nines and was off to meet Naomi Watts for dinner! 'Good luck with that,' quipped Michael. Suddenly, we heard a noise from an alleyway outside an apartment complex. Turning, we saw a familiar looking figure in a van, messing around with some contraption or other. 'I don't believe it!' yelled Little Macaque. 'Yet another celebrity... this time, Rick Moranis from Ghostbusters, etc.' And it was indeed the famous comedy actor. 'Hey, folks,' he said, 'I was just cleaning out my apartment when I discovered the growth ray prop from my hit 1992 Honey, I shrunk the Kids follow-up, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid. I can't fetch anything for it on The eBay, so I am taking it to the city dump!'



"Just then, something terrible happened. Moranis accidentally leaned on the growth ray's switch, and a beam shot out at Uncle Barty. 'Oh no!' I cried, 'Uncle Barty!' 'No, don't worry, it won't kill him!' Moranis assured me. 'Like in the film, it will make him grow big!'

"And Uncle Barty did indeed start to grow, to our mounting horror! 'Quick, Rick, do something about it!' shouted Michael. 'It's too late, the damage has been done!' replied Moranis, jumping into his van's driver seat and legging it like a big chicken. 'We've got to get you out of the city, Uncle Barty!' Little Macaque cried. 'Sod that, I've got a date with Naomi Watts from I Heart Huckabees!' growled Barty, and set off in the direction of the restaurant!

"Though perturbed, myself, Michael and Little Macaque finally agreed the things might turn out alright in the end, and headed off to see Jersey Boys. But halfway through the performance, a hysterical schmuck burst in and started screaming, "Help! Help! There's a giant ape loose in the city! I'm tellin' yah, it's freakin' huge!'

"Everyone started screaming and knocking each other over in panic. As we ran out into the street, we looked in the direction of the Empire State Building and got a shock; for a giant Uncle Barty was carrying Naomi Watts to the top of the famous landmark! Suddenly, there was the sound of biplane engines overhead. 'What's going on?!' Michael asked a nearby police officer. 'The Mayor called for Red Adair and his mates to deal with the situation,' the cop informed us, 'they're going to blow that damn ape out of the sky, cross their collective fingers and hope Naomi Watts remains unharmed!

"Oh no, Michael, do something!' I cried. But he just stood there, stunned. Meanwhile, up on top of the Empire State, Uncle Barty took one last look into Naomi Watts' eyes and told her he that loved her (as he - SPOILER ALERT! - later related to us). 'Naomi Watts, from 2009 thriller The International, I have always loved you and always will.' Watts was possibly about to reciprocate, but just then Red Adair and his crew came buzzing around the building. Before you could say 'Jack Robinson!' they had opened fire! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! RAT-A-TAT-TAT!



"Within minutes, Uncle Barty was teetering on the edge of the building, looking seriously injured. Fortunately for Naomi Watts, somebody had managed to get to the top of the building and pull her out of harm's way (that somebody, we were later to discover, was the actor Adrien Brody from Predators who just happened to be in the vicinity). Moments later, and to our collective horror, Uncle Barty began to sway this way and that... suddenly, he went limp and fell, landing with a thump on the street below!

"'Twas beauty killed the beast!' noted some passing twat as we stood by Uncle Barty's giant frame. 'I'm not dead, y'tosser!' groaned Uncle Barty in response! However our delight was short lived, as a guy from the Environmental Protection Agency had arrived with some goons to 'press charges against Uncle Barty for his rampaging destruction of New York City!' 'No fear!' yelled Barty, and promptly bounded away through the city streets!

"We were all worried sick, but fortunately, the next morning Uncle Barty turned up, safe and well and back to normal size! 'The effects of Moranis' ray didn't last too long,' he told us. 'By the time I reached New Jersey, I had shrunk back to normal size. And thankfully, my temporarily-expanded size helped diminish the impact of Red Adair's guns and the fall to the street below!' We quickly packed and made our way to the airport, as our flight home was that very evening! 'Hope our 'I love NY' apparel doesn't make us stand out as we flee!' worried Michael.

"'Well that was a close one!' I smiled to Michael on the plane. 'Indeed,' replied Michael, with a wry smile, 'but you were right about one thing.' 'What was that?!' I inquired, intrigued. 'That we would end up having a wild and wacky adventure during our New York sojourn!' chuckled Michael, taking a swig of brandy. 'But it turned out alright in the end.' 'Well just as long as New York survives the destruction Uncle Barty wrought!' added Little Macaque. 'Oh, I'm sure it'll be just fine!' smiled Michael, reassuringly!

TILL NEXT TIME!

« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 02:52:51 AM by Glebe »

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #49 on: April 23, 2019, 04:21:53 PM »
There are no words.....ten out of 10

FerriswheelBueller

  • Golden Todger or
  • Silver Member
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  • ...and I really do mean that.
    • I am antsy for baseball in the off-season.
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #50 on: April 23, 2019, 04:31:47 PM »
I read this last night after 2 tins of beer and forgot to say how much I enjoyed it.

So - I enjoyed this very much. Just to get that on the record.

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #51 on: April 23, 2019, 09:00:11 PM »
Cheers folks... Prime sends her love, as ever.

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #52 on: April 27, 2019, 02:30:49 AM »
"Hello all... we've all been feeling wiped out after our New York trip, and have just been trying to settle back into normal life! Michael has been doing well at Playmex Radiators, but George may be regretting getting him a position there, as Michael seems to be competing for George's job! I've returned to my secretarial work, following maternity leave and our honeymoon/holiday... my parents took good care of Little Gorilla/Macaque while we were away (he's on my lap right now, happily watching In The Night Garden!), and I think Uncle Barty has recovered from turning giant, kidnapping Naomi Watts and climbing up the Empire State Building... he's seeing a counsellor, anyway.

"But there's one member of our macaque/gorilla family that I've really been quite worried about lately, and that is of course my first-born son, Little Macaque. He's shot up in recent times, his voice is breaking and he's coming out in acne... and he insists on wearing a big earring to school... which is why I found myself in Mrs. MacaqueCluskey's office this morning, having a little tete-a-tete about LM and his recent (mis)behaviour.



Mrs. MacaqueClusky.

"Mrs. MacaqueClusky is a conscientious headmistress, and nurtures her pupils whenever possible. She considered Little Macaque one of her star pupils... up till recently. 'He is obviously an extremely intelligent and good-natured boy, but I'm afraid his actions of late have been something of a disappointment to me, Mrs. Prime," she told me in confidence. 'He refuses to take out that earring, has been absent or late several times recently and has handed in half-finished homework on several occasions. He and his best mate Benny the Bonobo have been getting up to allsorts lately... including, I fear, chasing the dragon, as they call it.'

"I was shocked. 'I know Little Macaque has been a bit unruly of late, Mrs. M, but I can't imagine him ever touching the smack!' I told her. Mrs. MacaqueClusky looked a little bit abashed, and quickly corrected herself; 'Oh, is that what chasing the dragon means? I thought it was just doing the weedpipes.' I laughed. 'No, no, no, Mrs. M... although I'm not happy that Little Macaque has been at the backy m'self. Michael and I will have a good talk with him, maybe we can set him on the straight and narrow ourselves.'



Benny the Bonobo.

"'I hope so, Mrs. Prime, for his sake. By the way, I've chatted to Mrs. Bonono too, Benny is a good lad but the pair of them have been up to no good of late and they're thick as thieves!'

"After all that kerfuffle, I felt that I could do with a bit of a breather, and so I brought Little Gorilla/Macaque to London Zoo for a day out. He was delighted to meet so many friends from the animal kingdom, from cockatoos to chimpanzees! He was allowed to pet some of these wonderful creatures of the natural world at the newly-opened pets corner, which permits both human and simian visitors. All and all, it was a refreshing break from the hubbub and hurly-burly of modern macaque life!



Little Gorilla/Macaque... and friends!

"I had a chat with Little Macaque when he came home from school. 'What's wrong, love? I know you've been having a hard time at school for awhile now, and I'm worried about you. Why don't you talk to us?'

"'I don't wanna talk about it,' he mumbled, and went into the kitchen to grab a jaffa cake. 'You and Benny the Bonobo have been getting into a lot of trouble lately. I always liked Benny, but now I'm beginning to think he's a bad influence on you.' Little Macaque pulled a face. 'I don't wanna talk about Benny!' he growled. 'Why, has he done something on you? Speak to me!' Little Macaque shuffled his feet awkwardly. 'He's... he's going out with that Melanie the Doom Metal Marmoset,' he croaked. 'We're not speaking to one another.'

"So that was it! A love triangle! I might have known... young love is so difficult, wilful, and I didn't wanna see my little macaque getting hurt. 'Oh, Little Macaque... forget about her! You're too good for her! She and Benny deserve each other, the pair of miscreants!'

"Oh dear. I think I may have said the wrong thing. Little Macaque ran up to his room wailing, and I cursed my foolish chatter! But as it happens, that wasn't the only love triangle afoot... but we'll hear more about that next time!

STAY TUNED!



Melanie the Doom Metal Marmoset.

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #53 on: April 27, 2019, 11:07:39 PM »
"Hi all, Prime back with another update on events! Well, I told you there was another love triangle going on besides the Little Macaque/Benny the Bonobo/Melanie the Doom Metal Marmoset drama, but we'll get to that later... in the meantime, Little Macaque seemed to have calmed down and was playing his PS4 in his room. 'Fancy a cup of tea, love?' 'Yes, Mum! Thanks, Mum!' I smiled to myself and popped the kettle on.

"As you know, Michael has been working as a sales assistant at Playmex Radiators, a job he has George next door to thank for. George is Head of Sales at the company, which is run by Sir Dennis Pumphries, a human of some standing as I understand. He hasn't said it straight out, but George is clearly worried that Michael may be looking to nab George's position, and may be sorely regretting securing my hubby the sales job. In any case, Michael was in fine form when he came in that evening, and regaled me with that day's events over dinner.

"'George was trying to secure a deal this morning,' Michael explained, in between mouthfuls of shepherd's pie. 'He arranged a meeting with the head of Boston-based firm Heating Appliances Inc., Mr. Hamilton. Hamilton was in London on some other business, and George managed to arrange a quick lunch at the Hilton. But Hamilton was not impressed with George's deal, and went - shall we say - bananas!



"As Michael explained, Hamilton told George, 'This is the crummiest deal I evah seen! Now get outta here before I bust your ass!' Back at the office, George was all of afluster, and had the gall to ask Michael if he would pretend it was he who had had the disastrous meeting with Hamilton! 'On your bike... not on y'Nelly!' Michael rightly told George. 'But Michael,' George protested, 'Sir Pumphries will almost certainly give me the sack for this... but if you pretend that you had the meeting, I can cover for you and say it was just a rookie error!'

"Now I was truly intrigued. Why was Michael in such good form? 'I haven't finished the story yet,' chuckled my husband gorilla. 'Y'see, just as we were having it out, Sir Pumphries himself walked into George's office. 'Ah, Roper, just the baboon I wanted to see!' he bellowed. 'Oi, Manford, stop slacking there!' (As I have explained before, Sir Pumphries is the only human we know who uses surnames with us simians!) 'I heard about this fiasco today, and I have some VERY STRONG WORDS TO SAY!' George's knees were knocking at this stage, and before Sir Pumphries could go any further, he blurted out; 'SIR, look, that wasn't me... it was Michael who met with Hamilton!' Michael was stunned. 'WHAT?! Ooh, crumbs... look, Sir Pumphries, I...' Sir Pumphries straightened up and placed his hand firmly on Michael's shoulder. 'Say no more, Manford! It looks like you'll be the one getting this month's bonus! 'Eh?!' squeaked George... 'B-but... I don't understand'... Sir Pumphries just smiled. 'I can't stand that Hamilton, with his pushy American ways! We shan't be doing any business with his shitty company, not under my watch! I thought Roper had met with him, but now I see it was you, Manford! Incredible initiative from a mere sales assistant! Well done, man! Enjoy your bonus!'
 
"Apparently George tried to explain what had really happened, but Sir Pumphries just told him to 'Stand up straight!' and left! 'At this rate, I'll have George's job in a year!' laughed Michael, taking a sip of plum wine.

"'But Prime,' I hear you cry, 'You told us there was another love triangle in store!' Yes, well we'll get to that... but in the meantime, let me tease you with the news that work wasn't the only area of life where George was having problems!

TILL NEXT TIME...


Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #54 on: May 01, 2019, 03:33:31 AM »
"Hi all... well now, I promised you a love triangle and here it is... and as I hinted, it involves poor old George!

"While Michael and George haven't exactly been seeing eye-to-eye at Playmex Radiators, thankfully they always manage to put their career rivalries aside and carry on as friends outside of the workplace. Michael invited George over for a swift brandy after work the other day, an invitation which he gladly accepted. I was anticipating a quiet and civilised evening... however, it seems that matters had come to a head vis-a-vis George and Barbara's relationship, and it all kicked off in quite spectacular fashion... but I'm getting ahead of myself.



George, in pensive mood.

"Barbara works at a wool factory in Havering, owned by influential human Major Cuthbert Tarquin-Smyth. George practically hates Cuthbert, and has suspected the Major of having designs on his wife for some time.

'That toffee-nosed git!' grumbled George, taking a sip of his drink. 'He's taking Barbara out to dinner tonight, under the pretense of discussing a 'promotion'... he's planning to have his wicked way with her, or I'm a monkey's uncle! Well, I am a monkey's uncle, I have a wonderful little chimp for a nephew, but... well, you get what I mean!'

"'Aren't you being a little paranoid, George?' put in Michael. 'After all, it's not unusual for bosses to arrange business lunches and that.' 'Oh, don't be so naive, Michael!' snapped George. 'It's not like he's having lunch with a prospective client... he's taking an employee out for dinner... and that employee happens to be my happily-married - or so I thought - wife!'

"Both myself and Michael had met Cuthbert on several occasions socially, down the pub, at the local cricket ground or at some local function or other. 'I have to say, George, while I've only met Cuthbert a couple of times, I consider him a jolly decent chap', remarked Michael. 'Wouldn't you agree, Prime?' I did. 'Look, George, why don't you go home and put your feet up?' I added. 'I'm sure Barbara will be home before midnight and it'll all turn out to be some sort of misunderstanding.'

George went quiet for a moment, gazing dejectedly into his glass. He finally spoke up, in a rather sombre and resigned manner. 'I'm afraid I haven't told you the full story. Y'see... I was driving past Finsbury Park last Saturday when I saw something which caused me to pull over. At first I thought my eyes were deceiving me, but on closer inspection I was sure I could spy Barbara and the Major sitting together on a park bench... hand in hand! I needed a closer look, but I didn't want to attract their attention. Fortunately, I always carry a giant telephoto lens in the boot of the car - it just, er, comes in handy. Using this, I was able to get a proper look at the pair without being discovered. And what I saw chilled me to my very bone.'



George was shocked by what he saw.

"George continued with the story; 'As I said, they appeared to be holding hands, but my new-found telescopic vision enabled me to see more of the story, and it wasn't pleasant. For it appeared that Major Cuthbert was handing Barbara an engagement ring!. I was so shocked, I dropped the telephoto lens and immediately drove to a Nando's, where I indulged in some of their world-famous peri-peri chicken to take my mind off of things.'

"George took another pause, and myself and Michael exchanged furtive, worried glances. 'George... Prime is right, I think this might be some sort of misunderstanding,' commented Michael, trying to hide the doubtfulness in his voice.

"Suddenly, George jumped up out of his chair. 'Misunderstanding?!? MISUNDERSTANDING?!? I'm going to that restaurant, and I'm going to make myself perfectly understood, do you hear?!' And with that, he dashed out the door, jumped in his car and sped off into the night.

"I sighed. 'Oh dear. We'd better follow him, love. They're at The Gourmet Gorilla, y'know, the little bistro we had a snack in last week?' I went upstairs to tell Little Macaque to hold the fort for awhile (he's a big macaque now!), then myself and Michael popped into the car and followed after George.



Me, as ever.

"By the time we got to the restaurant, things had already gotten kinda crazy. Barbara and Cuthbert had been rudely interrupted by George, who was shouting all manner of abuse at the Major! 'You snotty-nosed adulterer! Take your dirty stinking hands off my wife!' Barbara went red with embarrassment and fury... 'Oh George, you fool! Don't talk to my boss like that! Cuthbert - I mean, the Major - is a decorated war hero, a captain of industry and an honorable man!'

"The Major cleared his throat and spoke up. 'No, no, there's no need for that, Barbara... now look here, George, I don't know what all this is about, but you've clearly got the wrong end of the stick, old chap! There's nothing suspect going on here!'

"'Oh really?!' growled George. 'Well, there's the small matter of an engagement ring to consider!'

"'Engagement ri... oh dear,' replied Cuthbert. 'There's been a terrible misunderstanding... I happened to bump into Barbara in Finsbury Park the other day, and asked her to evaluate an old family heirloom for me - she's good at that sort of thing, you know!' 'Indeed... you know how accurate I am at guessing Antiques Roadshow evaluations, George!' added Barbara. 'Anyway,' continued Cuthbert, 'I arranged this dinner to inform Barbara that she's been given a promotion and a bonus!'

"'Isn't that fantastic, George?' remarked Barbara, just as the manager was asking George to leave. 'Yes... I suppose so,' replied George, looking very deflated. But further embarrassment awaited, in the form of two police officers that had entered the premises.

"'Excuse me sir, is this your giant telephoto lens?' the Senior Officer asked George. 'Only we found it in Finsbury Park, and it appears to have the name and address of a baboon fitting your description Tippexed on it. We've been investigating some 'peeping Tom'  incidents in the area, see.'

"Oh George! You've done it again!"

TILL NEXT TIME...



An embarrassing situation.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2019, 03:48:55 AM by Glebe »

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #55 on: May 03, 2019, 04:05:38 AM »
"'Prime, Prime, come quick! Something terrible has happened!'

"I had just being doing Little Gorilla/Macaque some mashed Liga when Barbara popped up at the kitchen window, looking very distressed. 'Hang on, Babs, just be a moment.' 'No, no, leave Little Gorilla/Macaque there!' I turned to Barbara, surprized. 'I can't just leave him there, Barbara!' 'Just for a moment, Prime!' I gave Barbara a doubtful look. 'Alright, Babs, but this better be good!'

"Barbara led me into her back garden, looking this way and that, and then whispered to me conspiratorially; 'There's been a terrible accident! Myself and George were sitting out here on our sun loungers, enjoying some Robinsons Barley Water - sort of like the opening credits of Terry and June, remember that, although I think they were having orange squash - when George suddenly piped up with a really awful joke about how his 'dog has no nose'. I hadn't that one before, it was quite a cracker as far a bad gags go, and I pushed him as if to say, 'Oh, get out of it!' But the sun lounger went from under him and the fall... I can barely bring myself to say this.. killed him!'



CCTV footage of the manslaughter.

"I couldn't believe what I was hearing. 'George is dead, Babs?!' Barbara nodded sadly. 'Where is he now?' I demanded, 'Did you call an ambulance... the police?!' Barbara slowly raised her guilty eyes towards me. 'No, Prime... I put him in the shed! So help me, I put him in the shed!' My jaw dropped as Barbara continued; 'I... I just panicked. It was an accident, Prime, I assure you... but looking back at the footage of from our back garden security camera, it looks as if I pushed him in a hateful, aggressive manner... I'm afraid I'll be convicted of manslaughter, or worse!'

"I'm was almost too shocked to speak, but I did, eventually. 'Barbara, you have to go to the police!' I told her, 'This is crazy!' But she wasn't having it. 'No. That ain't gonna happen, sister, no way. What's gonna happen is, you're gonna help me bury George right here in the garden... you're involved too, now, kind of, so do as I say or we're both going down!' Was this really happening?!? Had Barbara gone mad?!? 'Barbara, have you lost your mind?! Please, don't do this!' I cried. 'Look, mate, unless you want to end up doing hard porridge, I suggest you help me out!' I gave it a moment's thought. 'Alright then, where are the shovels?' 'Not now, you fool!' snapped Barbara. 'We'll wait until cover of darkness, then stick him under the patio!

"There was nothing for it... and so, that night , when everyone had gone to bed, I snuck out and met Babs. The security camera was off, and she had the shovels ready, but first we would have to take up the patio titles. We dug a hole, shoved George in, and did an (in my opinion) decent job of replacing the tiles. 'There, that's that!' remarked Babs when we had finished our morbid task, 'I'll just tell people that George ran off with another baboon, and that'll be the end of it!'

"The next morning, I went over to Barbara's to check that everything was alright. I found her starring in puzzlement at the patio. 'Look, Prime!' she gasped, 'The tiles have been moved... what if someone has discovered our shocking secret?!'



George... back from beyond the grave!

"Just then, there was a moaning noise from behind the shed. All of a sudden, a zombie George came shuffling towards us! Barbara... Barbara!' groaned this strange, eldritch being from beyond man's worst imaginings, 'I'm coming to get you, Barbara!' Barbara screamed, but I managed to get it together enough to grab a garden rake and fend off the creature. 'Quick, Barbara, run!' I yelled, but before another second passed, the world went black.

"Suddenly, I found myself jumping up in bed with a shock! I gasped and looked around me... yes, I was at home, in my own bed, and morning light was streaming through the windows. 'George?! Little Macaque?! where is everybody?!' I got up and made my way into the bathroom, with the intention of splashing my face with cold water... but as soon as I had opened the bathroom door, I was met with an incredible sight - George was in the shower, soaping himself down! 'Morning, Prime!' he chirped, through the open shower door, 'You won't believe it, but I woke up naked in the garden this morning, covered in dirt... I couldn't wake Barbara to let me in, but thankfully George was having a coffee on your back door step, and very kindly allowed me use your shower! Hope you don't mind! Here, pass me that shirt, would you, Prime! Don't mind me big, swinging willy, heh!'



"So it was ALL A DREAM...



"OR WAS IT....?"
« Last Edit: May 03, 2019, 04:20:50 AM by Glebe »

Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #56 on: May 03, 2019, 09:23:27 AM »
Outstanding, 6 bags of popcorn, and extra for using the Resident Evil zombie, and a bag of coke for the Night of The Living Dead reference. Any chance they will bump into Norris again?

Glebe

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #57 on: May 03, 2019, 09:38:16 AM »
Outstanding, 6 bags of popcorn, and extra for using the Resident Evil zombie, and a bag of coke for the Night of The Living Dead reference. Any chance they will bump into Norris again?

Thanks a mil Bazooks, I was starting to think nobody was reading anymore! Norris shall return!

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #58 on: May 03, 2019, 12:32:23 PM »
I'm still reading! Loving more each one

FerriswheelBueller

  • Golden Todger or
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  • ...and I really do mean that.
    • I am antsy for baseball in the off-season.
Re: Catching up with the Macaques.
« Reply #59 on: May 03, 2019, 01:24:25 PM »
Thanks a mil Bazooks, I was starting to think nobody was reading anymore! Norris shall return!

I am still very much reading (and enjoying!)