Author Topic: Posting from the Library  (Read 231 times)

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Posting from the Library
« on: March 15, 2019, 03:43:50 PM »
Like the rest of you when I want to get online I walk to the local library, claim a chair and post up a storm!

Tell me the funny little peccadillos from YOUR bout of library-posting.

I got told off by the, uh, librarian fella who looks like Tim Key for printing the Brexit thread!!

Had a meet cute with a tramp. His eyes met my K from across an empty library.

What's your CaB use in the library like?

Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2019, 03:55:36 PM »
Much like Peter Baynham, I leave my own newspaper neatly folded by the library terminal when posting.

So when another patron comes by and asks me if I'm reading *that* paper I can smugly reply, "well, it's actually mine not the library's". I sort of snap it at them too. If you can imagine it.

Then I sumersault or forward roll into Sainsbury's and take all their parsley.

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2019, 04:21:08 PM »
Was caught by Bootleg Tim Key reading asstr.org the other day. I was merrily sipping from my flask of K cider and the cunt pulls us up saying the teacher of the year 7 class has complained.

So I whisper, bristling with rage, choking on my own bile literally: what the fuck is it now BTK? is it the flask? My aroma? You can't tell me it's what I'm reading. It's fuckin text files for fucks sake!!

"It's none of that, and please keep your voice down“ - I thought I was whispering but my voice started proper booming at the end of that -" I don't even mind what you read. It's just that you say the words as you read them, and the children really don't need to hear grot about Simpsons gangbangs."

I feels sheepish. I pulled my fingerless gloves tighter as a nervous reflex and reset my cowboy hat, and pull a crumpled Curly Wurly from my trenchcoat and hand it to Bootleg Tim Key.

"sorry mate. I'll read it with my finger on my lips." He says cheers cunt, but in that posh way, "thank you", and I gets back to it.

Tell you what though the cunt pulls us up on the way out! Seems after the second flask I was not only reading Family Guy watersport text files but also doing sound effects with my mouth.

"Look, BTK", I says, "I'm sorry mate. I didn't mean to get all a-hooting and a-hollering." cause I reckon I did get a bit heave-ho.

"That's the coat stand, mate, but apology accepted. Bye then, you can't sleep here."

Fuckin wide cunt. Close one there but. Not all bad though - he handed me a Curly Wurly on the way out! Top cunt that BTK.

Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2019, 04:37:59 PM »
Last time I was at the library I got in a spot of bother too mate. They were ordering new seats for the tables, and I altered the invoice on the main computer - get this - instead of normal seats I changed the order to what Bob calls on Athletico "those chairs that fuck you".

Of course, I was caught in the act by the Library Head Boy - he immediately burst out of some plastic, exclaiming "So you're the one!" and started banging my head in a door frame, then under a mouse mat, then in a hardback copy of My Family and Other Animals by Gerald Durrell. During all this fighting some Trebor extra fell out of my pocket and he seemed really distracted by them.

Anyway, we're mates now, we look back at the bad patch and laugh. Recently we watched the Martin Scorsese masterclass together. It's all about getting the right lenses he says. Sometimes I think he's from another planet.



Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2019, 04:47:10 PM »
Shhhh!

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2019, 04:55:05 PM »
Rasta, pal. Yir mate there sounds a liability. Bet you find him a right chore. What is it with working in a library that makes you such a fucking weirdo?

Honest netizens like me and you just want to get online and post from the bottoms of our computer workstations. Sorry you got hassled too by the hated 1% with their "careers" or "volunteer positions" or "are just wearing a collared shirt today mate".

Speaking of the bottom of a computer workstation, Bootleg Tim Key comes over and catches us chewing earlier. Stasi cunt, can't even chew now. FFS. said that to him, enunciated it. And I've told him before I can't keep my mouth closed when I chew. It's like he doesn't even know me anymore!

"You.. This isn't really my business but did I just see you pick some chewing gum from under the table and that's what you're chewing now?"

I see the concern in his dopey wet eyes, like a nonced seal. I tut, a bit loudly; expect more emotional steel from someone named BTK FFS. I say:

- No mate! That's fuckin minging. Eee, that's proper rank. It is chud but it's from my own packet. How very dare you. BTK, I am insulted. Own packet mate. Yir not the only one with a shirt you know.

"... I'm really sorry. "

- Besides, that table chud has no flavour. Even if you make a big ball of it from all the chud you pick off the underside, it tastes rank. Some had flies in it like the other day, but meant to be good for your teeth and I reckon the acid in your spit sorts it.

He gives us one of those sad looks, a long stare. Bootleg Tim Key must have the worst fucking home life, cunt looks at me like that every day. Maybe his Russian chef flatmate gaslights him. I've asked before, he got evasive, to put it mildly. I look for bruises, but he gets self conscious, so I proper sidle up and check him out for signs of abuse as deftly as possible.

Joke's on him though. It was table underside chud. I'm not fucking made of chud! Sound cunt BTK.

Shhhh!

Fucks sake he's even got an account here now. No wonder he's always walking over. Lonely cunt. Said nowt aboot that valentine, but.

PlanktonSideburns

  • Our love can destroy this whole fucking world
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2019, 05:40:46 PM »
Just heading to a library will post from there!

Once left a job with about 10 inches of reading material printed off of the Internet : pdfs, short stories, articles to read on my hols.  Had a big binder I would take to the beach

What was the last book you had out the library?
Last book I had out from the library was called 'exploding the myths of modern architecture' it was surprisingly a rip roaring polemical thrill ride

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2019, 06:22:10 PM »
Had one of those Purple Ronnie books oot and it got lost under a van in the church car park and when I woke up both Ronnie and van were gone! Surprised I wasn't awoken from my sleep-of-the-just, what with sleeping under it.

At first so could not face the wrath of BTK or that auld bitch I call Zimmer cause of her crooked back and very very slow walk.

Had to go in eventually but, had Hotmails to check. Tried doing that thing where you block off your face with your hand and Bootleg Tim Key left me alone for a bit but he caught me at the computer workstation not blocking my face with the hand and that was me: Rumbled.

"You behaving today?"

Cheeky fuck is shaking me up for the money!

- Woah, you can't handle the truth. Don't take the thumbs pal! Look over there!!

I fuckin peg it, purposefully banging into some bookshelves. Dropped books always slow librarians down!

Next day I unfurl from under a Jaguar - you read that right - and, hoping the aches dissipate, enter library and raise the hand. My fizzog simply must be obscured, and at that moment I know just how Johnny Depp feels.

I get jangling away in my own little world trying to install the new ICQ on my guest computer and I was away, must've been shouting out loud what I was typing to all they fuckin bots who have left messages since 2003. Bots get me rambunctious, any cunt who knows me knows that, can't even watch Johnny Five. Proper lose it at Batteries Not Included but in a different way, those're alright as they're aliens who just want to help mankind.

Zimmer looks over, and she starts marching! But luckily I managed to down the flask, say bye to a few contacts who might be bots with a tearful byebye (placing my hand on the screen soulfully for that sorceress 28518528), zip up all my trenchcoat pockets so nowt falls oot and off-fuckski before she's even repeated her sentence as she stands next to me.

But today I sorted this regrettable impasse. Fret not, dear reader.

 BTK barred me from coming in, proper met us at the door, so I just started greetin man. All they new buddies inaccessible! Who knows what cybersexual treasures lurked for me on ICQ? I was even dreaming of that Eh-Oh sound it makes and I did have a lot of bots and it probably got a fair bit irritating the other day to be fair as every time I got a message I also did the sound.

But I comes clean:

- BTK mate sorry I've been so weird lately, my nigga. I think I owe a fair bit of spondoolies on my account for the Purple Ronnie book. Forgive me?

I extend my gloved hand for a fistbump. He's got that troubled look on his pus again. Maybe the Russian chef made him suck; I peer at his mouth for stretchmarks. Note to self, put Diplomatically Asking on the laterbase.

"what... Spondoolies? I don't know what you're talking about, I've never seen you pick a book up. You don't even have a card here."

Fuckin magic! This carboot-sale Tim Key-looking motherfucker has done me a solid. I AM OFF THE GRID.

My kingdom is mine again. There will be no spondoolies administered and I may net unfettered! Thank you my nigga. Also I think I said all this, including the Kingdom is Mine thing.

".. Spondoolies?" BTK says. "And please don't use the n-word".

Purple Ronnie was crap anyway. That wide cunt is a prick of the highest order, nobody could bear an insufferable cunt like that. Though come to think of it I found it under a Volvo, and it all just makes so much sense.

Everything is coming up Milhouse! Again, think I said this, and bless his capitalist heart, BTK doesn't leave me hanging. I'll have to have a word myself eventually though; that was a fucking half-hearted high-five.

Some cunts lack the gusto but.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 07:08:57 PM by ToneLa »

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2019, 08:09:36 PM »
I can't believe I broke in just to suck change from the photocopier.

Still, 30P in 5Ps in the last hour ain't half bad! Thank god for all the practice.

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2019, 09:02:48 PM »
Like the rest of you when I want to get online I walk to the local library, claim a chair and post up a storm!

Also, it should go without saying, but when I pull up this chair for the guest computer, I turn it around so I'm sitting on it so it's facing backwards and I'm all legs akimbo.

Hides stiffies you see. And should a maniac burst in, run up to me and try to hoof me in the crotch, BAM!! Hurt foot, cunt! And then, oh yes, I have prepared for this moment: I would unleash the fucking fury.

I mean, you can't prove I wouldn't, not categorically

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2019, 06:59:30 PM »
Just heading to a library will post from there!

This is some trek! That's why I sleep nearby, a word to the wise mate.

You can also hide a change of clothes - if you're the 1% - between some books nobody ever gets oot.

Might I recommend for that purpose Zadie Smith?

Glebe

  • So here we are, then.
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #11 on: March 17, 2019, 08:13:25 PM »

St_Eddie

  • LIKES: Deviled eggs DISLIKES: The Devil & bad eggs
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2019, 08:30:03 PM »
I'd care to date a librarian.  If the movies have taught me anything, it's that once the bookish types take off their glasses and let their hair down, they're absolute stunners.  There's an 80 something year old woman who looks like Yoda at my local library.  I bet she looks like Princess Leia when she's finished work for the day and is relaxing at home.



That's incredible!  I've never seen anything like it!  A woman standing so perfectly still!

Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2019, 08:31:43 PM »
Will someone please account for those books!


St_Eddie

  • LIKES: Deviled eggs DISLIKES: The Devil & bad eggs
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2019, 08:36:55 PM »
rasta-spouse, that's a great avatar you've got there, by the way.  I just wanted to acknowledge its brilliance.

That is all.

Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2019, 08:39:13 PM »
thanks, it's from a dictionary website, but i thought it had levels so like Clapton, I stole that shit.

Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2019, 09:14:34 PM »

Next day I unfurl from under a Jaguar - you read that right -

car or cat? the suspense is too much to bear.

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2019, 09:20:31 PM »
car or cat? the suspense is too much to bear.

I've slept under both in my time; sometimes even several, covering my body for as long as I can keep them still atop my sleeping body; but on this occasion, obviously, that visit to Chester Zoo was worthwhile

ToneLa

  • Kill your masters
Re: Posting from the Library
« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2019, 09:21:41 PM »
I'd care to date a librarian.

Every time I try to make smalltalk with the fittest librarian here, Bootleg Tim Key shushes me.

As he's the best looking man and I'm always hassling the cunt (I'm not gay but the only woman is pushing 70)