100% Real Anus Talk

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Finally a refuge where we can avoid the judging eyes - and bullets - of the general public (and police enforcement).

This thread is to discuss the "fucking state of it".

Current state of it: Slightly raw through over-wiping but amenable to heavy shitting and slow widening.

[Pingers]

"The Bagpuss" - baggy, a bit loose at the seams.

[pancreas]

Anyone ever had an anus transplant? Apparently they don't use the anus for medical research so when people die they tend to just chuck them away. But because of the state of the NHS etc. they're now planning on selling famous anuses when they get hold of them. Obviously if it's an old anus it'll be quite loose, but they can tighten it up a bit for you in the microwave. So then you do get the cachet of being able to show off a famous anus, like a Forsyth anus (£300) or Winehouse anus (£500), to your mates. Just wondered if there are likely to be any complications, or if anyone had any particular dead celebrities in mind?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Former F1 race director Charlie Whiting

[Pingers]

Anyone ever had an anus transplant? Apparently they don't use the anus for medical research so when people die they tend to just chuck them away. But because of the state of the NHS etc. they're now planning on selling famous anuses when they get hold of them. Obviously if it's an old anus it'll be quite loose, but they can tighten it up a bit for you in the microwave. So then you do get the cachet of being able to show off a famous anus, like a Forsyth anus (£300) or Winehouse anus (£500), to your mates. Just wondered if there are likely to be any complications, or if anyone had any particular dead celebrities in mind?

Dale Winton, although I'd want to know it had been in an autoclave first.

[Twit 2]

My anus has weathered some storms over the years, but is currently tip-top and springy. I use it primarily for shitting these days, as I'm a traditionalist at heart. Outside of a standard evac I haven't farted since probably 1998. I get it serviced at Halford's every 6 months so all in all I'd say the state of my crapper is bloody terrific.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

My anus has weathered some storms

Remember the 2001 Imbiss Bürek Inundation? No me neither, was too busy shitting myself

[pancreas]

My anus has weathered some storms over the years, but is currently tip-top and springy. I use it primarily for shitting these days, as I'm a traditionalist at heart. Outside of a standard evac I haven't farted since probably 1998. I get it serviced at Halford's every 6 months so all in all I'd say the state of my crapper is bloody terrific.

Do you employ any nostrums or unguents in your daily maintenance regime?

[BlodwynPig]

Do you employ any nostrums or unguents in your daily maintenance regime?

Here speaketh a man who has seen more anii than I've had hot dinners. And that's a lot of anii.

[pancreas]

Here speaketh a man who has seen more anii than I've had hot dinners. And that's a lot of anii.

I am indeed experienced enough to know that anus is 4th declension feminine and its plural is anus.

If this doesn't count as 100% Real Anus Talk, then I don't know what does.

[BlodwynPig]

I am indeed experienced enough to know that anus is 4th declension feminine and its plural is anus.

If this doesn't count as 100% Real Anus Talk, then I don't know what does.

I was talking about anii. The language spoken primarily in Benin, central Togo and some regions of Ghana.

[pancreas]

I was talking about anii. The language spoken primarily in Benin, central Togo and some regions of Ghana.

Then you're in the wrong fucking place, mate. This is the thread for 100% Real Anus Talk, no foreign muck.

[thraxx]

Hola amigos, Real Anus is muy bueno spainish team.  Favorite player is Esteban Sphinctorio.

[BlodwynPig]

Then you're in the wrong fucking place, mate. This is the thread for 100% Real Anus Talk, no foreign muck.

The anii language is spoken via the anus, mate.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

What are everyone's anal torque readings like at the moment?  I maxed out at 58/6 the other day, but with a fair wind I think I can achieve maybe 63/7.

[thraxx]

What are everyone's anal torque readings like at the moment?  I maxed out at 58/6 the other day, but with a fair wind I think I can achieve maybe 63/7.

I don't use the imperial system, I use what has become the standard European metric that was perfected at AC Milan's innovation laboratory in the early 1990s.  These days I can only muster about 173μMaldinis.

[pancreas]

The anii language is spoken via the anus, mate.

Talking out of one's arse?

mate.

[BlodwynPig]

Talking out of one's arse?

mate.

Bottom's Up, in your face.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I'd estimate a 10% deterioration in my anal condition since the last post.

[ToneLa]

CaB.txt/Oscillations

[Gregory Torso]

Ah yes, the anus. One of God's most maligned and misunderstood creations. It's there, isn't it, the comedy dave of the body, like a shameful half-digested twin that you have been left to raise alone. It suckles at your waste, it cries out in the night and demands sustenance, it bears your anger and your capricious tender attentions.

Whether you are trying to lay eggs in a dead solicitor's chest cavity, or doing a grumpy in the middle of Sports Direct because mum won't buy you some bicycling shorts, or just bunging vile little guffs out into the intimacy of a crowded lift for the sheer pleasure of seeing the faces of your colleagues crinkle in revulsion, your anus is always working for you.

And how do you pay this constant, thankless toil?

You neglect your anus, don't you. "Nice buttock, you loser" you say to it in the mirror.
Andrex? Charmin? FUCK THAT. Paying more than a quid for some arse script. Wallpaper will do - rip it off the panel in the bathroom. Plane your arse with the roughest foolscap and yank up your stone washed jorts before your anus even knows what's happening.
Nature's USB port, crammed with dildors, hard boiled eggs, fingers, legs, miniature bottles of Sambuca and Ketel One, anything that will high five your pleasure zone (as Kenny Loggins once sang).
When your anus speaks up in public, do you draw it nearer to its intended audience and bid them listen to its song? Or do you impatiently shush it and, with an apologetic shameful look, usher it into the nearest corner and pray no one heard a thing as it releases its tearful ululation into the godless void.

Nurture your anus. Real talk. Feed it, instruct it. Let it be something more than just the hole you shit your shit off.

Or - hey - adopt an anus, why not? There are many out there, malnourished and abused, dumped in ditches running aimlessy with no one to wipe them. They howl through their buttery mouths, clogged up and desperate for irrigation, but there is no one there. NO ONE.

Or - just DON'T HAVE ONE. It's the 21st century. It is no longer expected that you will carry on the family tradition of having an anus. Many people are choosing to be anus-free. Look at your friends, the ones who have anuses: they're run down, tired, the light has gone out of their souls. They come to the pub but have to go early because the anus sitter has to leave at ten and then you know, anus has to get up in the morning for its judo classes, it never ends, does it?

REAL TALK BABY. An anus is a full-time thing. CARE FOR YOURS.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I'd estimate a 10% deterioration in my anal condition since the last post.

Recouped since earlier, clawed some anus back which is relieving as it was looking like a formal threat level increase for a while. Not increasing to Amber just yet.

[poo]

Mate went for a cunt up the arse op but they just stapled some bits of bacon to his shitter saying they were pissflaps. Pissflaps went bad and fell off after a week.

[pancreas]

Has he been given a refund? The Citizen's Anus Bureau may be able to help if not.

[thraxx]

Mate went for a cunt up the arse op but they just stapled some bits of bacon to his shitter saying they were pissflaps. Pissflaps went bad and fell off after a week.

Not so much a flap lost, but a dinner gained.

[thraxx]

Can I speak to one of your online consultants please, I'm trying to do a turd right now and it won't come out. My anus can't seem to 'get behind' the turd and eject it.

[pancreas]

Have you tried pushing?

If not, have you tried pulling?

[thraxx]

As stated above I can't 'get behind' it.

[thraxx]

Normally I would swallow one end of a string to ensure pulling purchase out of the mouth but I ran out.

[thraxx]

It's come out now. Fat lot of use this thread was.