Superhero Stan

[ToneLa]

Stan develops the power of teleportation - instantly being able to reappear in any other location he can either see or clearly imagine.

A scant six months later, Stan is a big fat cunt teleporting between the pub and his bed. Sometimes he teleports to a rooftop, but only for a piss.

[ToneLa]

Stan discovers one day he can fly!

It is absolutely class flying between the pub and his hoose, but his habit of releasing his bladder twelve miles high is not sitting at all well with Internet conspiracy theorists.

[ToneLa]

You'd think The Man would be overjoyed with the ability to turn invisible, but barely uses it - have you tried getting served while being undetectable by the naked eye?

And frankly, tying his invisible shoelace in front of a urinal was simply asking for trouble.

[ToneLa]

Stan develops the ability to automatically repel human females, though describing that as a "superpower" is a wee bit fancy

[ToneLa]

Stan has nigh-indestructible bones, which is nice in theory but he husnae found any real application for it

[ToneLa]

Stan claims on Tinder that he has an extendable cock, but that is true only in the most generous sense of extendable

[Pingers]

Stan helps a woman to back her car into the drive; pointing, giving the thumbs up, doing the twirly hand motion and shouting bogus advice like "right hand down!". She'd never have managed it on her own.

[ToneLa]

Stan acquires strange and potent powers when he gets bit by a radioactive woodlouse

[Spoon of Ploff]

Stan developes superhuman levels of tolerance to all types of drink and drugs.

After carving a giant cock and balls across the surface of the moon with his super laserbeam eyes he spends the rest of his days watching reruns of Neighbours.

[bgmnts]

Stan has developed a superhuman sense of hearing.

He constantly has to listen to the fat, sweaty 45 year old next door wank excessively to hentai rape porn.