Jobs you almost had

[Lost Oliver]

Thought this might be a good idea, just imagining the life you could've had. Do you think it would've been better?

Before I started my current, miserly existence in admin, I was offered the job as a Funeral Care Operative. It would've involved being on call throughout the night and then turning up at dead homes. I'd also be one of those people who carry the coffin and look all respectful and stoic. At the interview the manager - ex army - took me into the basement and asked me what I thought about the prospect of seeing a dead person. I said I didn't know how I'd react until it happened so he went over to what looked like a filing cabinet and took out a corpse. It was an old man, 70ish. I wasn't shocked and everything just seemed eerily normal about the whole thing but it's an image I won't forget.

I accepted the role and then a day later I was offered this role for much more money and guaranteed time off. I often wonder how different my life would've been if I'd gone for it.

[ToneLa]

I won't clutter this thread with the horrors of Universal Credit but there was one recent one I often think of in a What Might Have Been way

Second stage interview for a Civil service job. Service desk, grand, bit of a drop down for me but the wage was ace and pension and all that.

Went into it optimistically enough, but I would be providing telephone based support to the Cabinet Office.

And one of the managers went into a long, illustrative warning aboot Very Important People who ring you. It was long and stark and cautious as fuck, suggesting "you park any political opinions before you come into the office". That was the precise moment I felt trepidation

I didn't get it since I've not done service desk for years (I choose to take that as it was given) but the more I think about it the more I think having representatives of or even actual Michael Gove and Jeremy Hunt demanding I clean their browsing history or whatever, well it was surely a lucky escape.

IT Support to the Tory Government. Yikes. I would not have walked into that job with the required attitude, shall we say

[SteveDave]

I won't clutter this thread with the horrors of Universal Credit but there was one recent one I often think of in a What Might Have Been way

Second stage interview for a Civil service job. Service desk, grand, bit of a drop down for me but the wage was ace and pension and all that.

Went into it optimistically enough, but I would be providing telephone based support to the Cabinet Office.

And one of the managers went into a long, illustrative warning aboot Very Important People who ring you. It was long and stark and cautious as fuck, suggesting "you park any political opinions before you come into the office". That was the precise moment I felt trepidation

I didn't get it since I've not done service desk for years (I choose to take that as it was given) but the more I think about it the more I think having representatives of or even actual Michael Gove and Jeremy Hunt demanding I clean their browsing history or whatever, well it was surely a lucky escape.

IT Support to the Tory Government. Yikes. I would not have walked into that job with the required attitude, shall we say

Imagine all the stuff you would've been able to plant on their computers. If Brexit happens it's ALL on you.

[Norton Canes]

Could've been on the BBC gravy train, had a couple of interviews for positions with them when we were living in London - one as a TX Librarian at TV Centre and one as an Archivist at Windmill Road. TX would've been as stressful as fuck but if I'd got the archive job I don't think I'd have ever moved on. Or even gone home at night.

[ToneLa]

Imagine all the stuff you would've been able to plant on their computers. If Brexit happens it's ALL on you.

There is that. Treated it as some mad zealous sabotage operation. Not beyond me...

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'"

[Dex Sawash]

Also works with peen in place of pen (sorry ladies reading this)

[Lost Oliver]

Feel like I should add that when he rolled the dead person out he took the cover off the face, looked at me, and then said: "What do you think of that then?" Almost as if he was showing me his penis.

[Lost Oliver]

I won't clutter this thread with the horrors of Universal Credit but there was one recent one I often think of in a What Might Have Been way

Second stage interview for a Civil service job. Service desk, grand, bit of a drop down for me but the wage was ace and pension and all that.

Went into it optimistically enough, but I would be providing telephone based support to the Cabinet Office.

And one of the managers went into a long, illustrative warning aboot Very Important People who ring you. It was long and stark and cautious as fuck, suggesting "you park any political opinions before you come into the office". That was the precise moment I felt trepidation

I didn't get it since I've not done service desk for years (I choose to take that as it was given) but the more I think about it the more I think having representatives of or even actual Michael Gove and Jeremy Hunt demanding I clean their browsing history or whatever, well it was surely a lucky escape.

IT Support to the Tory Government. Yikes. I would not have walked into that job with the required attitude, shall we say

I hate this kind of thing. As if some people deserve respect and others don't. Pisses me right off.

[wooders1978]

I've been at my company for 26 years - I very nearly walked out after the first few weeks after being called a liar by some twat bully after making a mistake - I often wonder where I'd be if I'd have done it
Can't complain as being here gave me a few years living in Sydney and I've made some great friends over the years

[ToneLa]

I hate this kind of thing. As if some people deserve respect and others don't. Pisses me right off.

It's a big part of IT support sadly... I've seen it before but that VIP speech getting wheeled oot to such an extent made me suspicious as fuck.

I'd love a pure ITIL approach of Every Issue Dealt With By Its Severity but haha I'm dreaming, some cunt director would just apply The Fear to a weak HR drone and BAM. Fairness oot the windae

[Dex Sawash]

Only ever applied for 2 jobs I didn't get.

Drive Pepsi truck- would be smartest fattest pepsi truck driver in world.

Hyundai Mechanic when Hyundai entered US market in 1986- prob would be king of both Koreas by now.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

Pretty sure I scuppered my chances of working in the laboratory at the old Springfield Brewery when I started involuntarily smirking as the interviewer, Mrs Clutterbuck, introduced herself. The brewery shut down a few years later so it was probably just as well. Still, working in a brewery, eh?

[Icehaven]

When I had an interview for my first post in my current workplace, I alos had another interview lined up for the following week for a similar job in another branch. If the interviews had been the other way around and I'd been offered the other post I'd probably just taken that one rather than go through another interview, which could have been a terrible decision as at the other branch there's since been loads of restructures, redundancies, people having to reapply for their job etc. which I could have been stuck right in the middle of. Plus I (mostly) really like where I work now, and double plus as my manager left unexpectedly two years ago I've since got his job, and I'd almost definitely never have got a post at this level elsewhere.

Several years ago (long before I worked in my current place) I was gutted almost to tears when I didn't get a job I'd interviewed for in a library which was just round the corner from my house (as opposed to the one I was currently working in which involved a 2 hour commute), was a more senior position with more money and would have been a change I was desperate for having been at the place I was for about 5 years and was bored out of my mind. A few days afterwards my manager (who knew I was really disappointed) consoled me by telling me there were a lot of issues with staff not getting on etc. there so I'd probably dodged a bullet. It was nice of her to try and make me feel better but it didn't, really.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

I didn't even get as far as asking about it, let alone applying and getting any interviews but, after university, a bunch of friends on my course all went to work at the same place. It was a crappy low rent digital telly channel, which they all complained about constantly, but it was the stepping stone in the door to better things for all of them. Meanwhile, I moved back in with my parents and was basically unemployed for the better part of six years.

I eventually managed to forge myself something resembling a fulfilling career, but I can't help but look at all of them and wonder what might have been. I might have moved to that London and had more of an active social life. I might have sorted my finances out, and not frittered away the money my gran left me (then again, maybe the more active social life would have done that anyway).

[Dex Sawash]

[tag] listmaker [/tag]

[Neville Chamberlain]

Astronaut, spy, architect, Co-op deli manager.

[BlodwynPig]

Was offered jobs in Oslo and Chalfont St. Peter (you will come on our private yacht/golfing at the weekends, yes?). Both jobs I would be three times as rich as I am now, but probably three times the cunt.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I was offered a job logging for the flop BBC tv show The Murder Game, unfortunately I was working for the utterly shitty Txtme Tv channel and when I asked for a month's holiday so I could do it they turned me down, the dirty fuckers. Who knows, if I'd quit and taken the job I might still be working in tv right now, as a year later I was fired from Txtme and never worked in the industry again. The cunts wouldn't let me even have an evening off work to be an extra in Shaun Of The Dead too (whereas one of my freelance colleagues was), given both of the above I really should set fire to them one day, or their parent company at least given Txtme hasn't existed for about 15 years.

I also once applied for a job as a porn censor for one of the Sky adult Channels and they were interested in hiring me, but I decided I'd probably go a bit mad watching porn all day just in case there was an accidental bit of vaginal penetration or anal sex in one of their videos, especially as I was single at the time. Who knows, if I'd taken the job I might be a serial killer right now, so it is something of a regret.

[Endicott]

My first job in the mid 80s was as messenger in a very big London office which had several buildings. No internal networks in those days, no email, so memos and what have you were picked up once an hour from out trays and then delivered to in trays. There were half a dozen lads supplied by a temp agency to do this, all based in the post room in between rounds.

There was a bloke in the filling dept who took a shine to me and I reckon I'd have got a permanent position filling stuff if I hadn't escaped to a more local job after 3 months. Which is probably just as well as my career would have been cut short by the paperless office.

[Shit Good Nose]

I think there are only two jobs I ever went for that might've ended up with me living a significantly different life.

First one was actually one of the first proper full-time employment jobs I ever went for, at Venue magazine in Bristol, working for a guy who Stephen Merchant used to work for and whom part of David Brent was based on (note - I don't know which part, as he didn't display any obvious Brentisms during the interview, which was also the best - as in enjoyable - job interview I've ever had, basically just the two of us sat on a sofa casually talking about music, films and TV for nearly an hour).  Had I got the job (which was an entry level research post with "career grading" built in) and it all went okay, I'd now be working in journalism, as that's what has happened to everyone else who held that role.  Equally I could be a victim of the decline of print media and writing an annoying blog for no money, which is how I comfort myself for being beaten to the post by someone who had done media studies at college (I was second choice out of a final five).

The other one was also a research post, at the Royal Board of Arts and Humanities (can't remember what they're called now).  My boss would have been Christopher Frayling, and I had visions of talking to him about Sergio Leone and spaghetti westerns in general.  But that role involved traveling the world, dealing with politicians, going to parliament and the like.  I'd be on ridiculous money now as well.  Alas it wasn't to be (obvs).  I don't know where I placed in the final tally - ten people were interviewed - but, quite the opposite of the above, that was one of the worst interviews I've ever had.  Two hours faced by a panel of five people (Frayling not present, but there was a Lord).  REALLY intensive.

Every other job I've gone for has been quite "normal", and would have only really changed where I lived.

[Mr Farenheit]

Feel like I should add that when he rolled the dead person out he took the cover off the face, looked at me, and then said: "What do you think of that then?" Almost as if he was showing me his penis.

Did he keep his penis in a filing cabinet?

[Buelligan]

Headhunted outside Harrods for a role which involved getting in the back of this chauffeur's boss' Roller and showing the boss "the sights". 

Thousand quid an afternoon was the rate, he (the chauffeur) actually waved the wad in my face but the pension rights were laughable.  I declined.

[SteveDave]

I was meant to move to London in 2003 to live with a friend who was friends with Russell Brand. Just think, I could've been one of his entourage, having sex with women out of my league who he rejected/had first. I could've met Noel Gallagher too. 

[ToneLa]

I was meant to move to London in 2003 to live with a friend who was friends with Russell Brand. Just think, I could've been one of his entourage, having sex with women out of my league who he rejected/had first. I could've met Noel Gallagher too.

Yikes. And I thought I had a lucky escape!

[Brian Freeze]

A bloke in the pub said he was a scientist in South Africa and said I could have a job out there measuring trees and counting lions.
Or something pretty close to that. I stuck his number in my wallet and carried it round for a few years but never did get in touch. Plenty of "What ifs" and "maybes" have crossed my mind since.

[SpiderChrist]

On my way to work in a record shop, mid 80s. See an ad in NME (might have been Melody Maker) for a drummer for some beat combo called PJ Harvey. Decide to apply (I was pretty good back then). Get to work. Boss wants to talk to me about a promotion, which necessitated a move to another part of the country. Accept it on the spot and decide not to ring up about the drumming gig. What a fucking plum.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

On my way to work in a record shop, mid 80s. See an ad in NME (might have been Melody Maker) for a drummer for some beat combo called PJ Harvey. Decide to apply (I was pretty good back then). Get to work. Boss wants to talk to me about a promotion, which necessitated a move to another part of the country. Accept it on the spot and decide not to ring up about the drumming gig. What a fucking plum.

A former housemate of mine had a try out for The Sultans of Ping back before they were called that. On arriving back home, we asked how he got on "Okay, but I don't think I'll bother. Bunch of wanky students" or words to that effect.

Me? Two spring to mind.

Around the Millennium, I was doing contract QA work with a multinational IT company. Their pay, perks and conditions were light years ahead of what I was getting and obtaining a fulltime position with them was seen as the Holy Grail by my fellow contractors. One day, whilst in the midst of code-wrangling, my team lead came over to talk to me. The conversation was based around my work and how much I enjoyed the role without ever touching on anything specifc and that was that. Fast forward six months or so and my stint with them was over. I got a load of praise for my efforts over the previous 12 months and a comment of "It's a pity you never took us up on our job offer though." First I'd heard of it. I always wonder about it. It would have done wonders for my career but, two years later they'd pulled the plug on the whole operation and even senior managers were out on their arse after the company found they'd been doing the internet all wrong.

Shortly after the financial crash in 2008 and I was out of a job with no prospect of another one coming along anytime soon. One of my brother's inlaws works in local government and told me about a vacancy that nobody was supposed to know about what with a Government-mandated hiring freeze. I'd previously done some temping in another department so had plenty of experience and, with my sponsor's coaching, I'd be sorted. The only wrinkle was that there was one other person in for the job too - but they were much less experienced and had no real plans to stick it out. On hearing this, I was already spending my first wage packet. Unfortunately, the other person didn't need to be experienced in any way as their sponsor was well in with senior management so that was that. They didn't even offer me an interview for form's sake. I spent the next few years with barely any work to keep me going.

[Barney Sloane]

Turned down the chance to play on the soundtrack of Edgar Wright's first film. Three fucking buses to deepest Crouch End to play for free on some bullshit film that will probably never see the inside of a cinema? Arsed, mate.

[Mister Six]

In the grim, dark winter of 2010, when I was deeply fucking impoverished, I was offered a job as a tech editor at Metro - not the UK one, but the one given out in Ireland and elsewhere (yes, two different companies, I forget why). It fell through because they cut the budget or something, and a few months later I moved to China, met my eventual wife and ultimately, through connections made there, landed quite a good job in New York. What would have happened if I'd stayed? I imagine I'd still be happy, with less travel under my belt but an actual pension and probably a house...

[Shit Good Nose]

Turned down the chance to play on the soundtrack of Edgar Wright's first film. Three fucking buses to deepest Crouch End to play for free on some bullshit film that will probably never see the inside of a cinema? Arsed, mate.

Dead Right or Fistful of Fingers?

Someone I work with was at uni with Wright (he was, apparently, considered by most of the others in their year as "odd" and "creepy"), and she was one of the extras in Fistful.  Beadle was lovely by all accounts.  I still think it's one of his best films.