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March 28, 2024, 11:45:15 AM

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upside down del boy

Started by Goldentony, March 20, 2019, 11:10:30 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Goldentony

[int. flat, peckham]

[sign reads NELSON MANDELA HOUSE]

[zoom to LIVING ROOM where GRANDAD is sitting on THE CHAIR]

[enter RODNEY]

RODNEY
Hello grandad, how you doin

GRANDAD
oh just triffic Rodney, just triffic

RODNEY
cosmic, here where' Del

GRANDAD
he's read out some hooky spell he got out the inside of some tarts crevice and now he's upside down, it's horrible Rodney

RODNEY
weird th-HE BLOODY WHAT

GRANDAD
He's in good spirits though

[enter DEL BOY, upside down, floating]

DEL BOY
YOU REALLY HAVE MADE A BOLLOCKS OF IT THIS TIME YOU BRASS

RODNEY
What have I done?! why are you upside down!!

DEL BOY
DONT YOU START! EVERY TIME I HAVE A PISS OR A SHIT NOW IT RUNS DOWN ME, IT LOOKS LIKE IVE GOT A VIVIENNE WESTWOOD ON!!

RODNEY
Derek you need to go to a GP it cant be healthy to be upside down and stone me you stink to high heaven of shit and piss, fucking hell

DEL BOY
BUT LOOK - I CAN OPEN DOORS WITH ME MOUTH NOW

RODNEY
Oh my god you're right, fucking hell, you can put the key in your mouth

DEL BOY
AND I JUST DO A SORT OF 360 HERE AND

RODNEY
and yeah the dor opens, bloody hell

[TITLES - DOOR OPENING by JOHN SULLIVAN]

[tag] Del Rises through the bar [tag]

Glebe

DEL: This is a photocopier.

SLATER: Sorry, could you turn right-side-up, Del? Only it's a bit off putting.

Lord Mandrake

BOYCIE: Allo Del, looks like the bloods going to your head
MARLENE: It's alright for some!
BOYCIE: Are you suggesting that the tip of my penis lacks the requisite blood flow to enable a full erection?
MARLENE: Yes
BOYCIE: I'll deal with you later.
DEL BOY: Here, not with a flaccid cock you won't

Laughter.

Cuellar

UPSIDE DOWN DEL APPEARS AT THE WINDOW OF THE FLAT

DEL BOY: ˥oʌǝlʎ ɾnqqlʎ dlouʞǝɹ ɹoopuǝʎ

PLONKER RODNEY: Crumbs!


petril

[tag]Series exchange with Mike & Angelo doesn't work out[/tag]

DangledTeeth

#6
Intro Theme

Ext. Definitely Not Trotters' Flat

Del floats upside down near a steamy, darkened street

A man grabs Del by the knees of his trousers and pins him against a wall

Del: Oi! Vot is yaw game!?

Leroy: Take it easy, man. There's someone 'ere who's bin dyin' to meet you.

Del: Oh yeah? And who m-

Thomas Mackay: Thomas Mackay is the name, sunshine. (Emerges from the darkness) You have b- wait a second... you ain't the
bloke who was seen out with my wife. You are not Rodney Trotter as he is not upside down.

Del: Nah, nah, I am Rodney. Straigh' ahp! Look, my signature 'D' medallion confirms my forename. It's swinging in front of my chin.

Thomas Mackay: Very well. (To accomplice) Give the man some air, Leroy.

Del whips his trousers off and flings them into a puddle

Del: Aoh! Now look what you made me do. That was a new fuckin' pair, that was! C'MERE!

Del floats off camera and a silhouette punch-up ensues

A policeman purses his lips and shakes his head before scarpering

Del wearily floats from side to side with bruised shins, grasping a damp pair of trousers

Int. Nags Head

Del: Rodneeeeey, guess wha' I dahne.

Rodney has his back to Del

Rodney: Stuff your fucks, Del! I don't wanna hear any more of...

Rodney rotates on a stool

Rodney: Oh, not cocksmic! What the piss happened to you?!

Del: I rehabilitated Tommy Mackay, that was a bit of luck.

Rodney: Did Monkey's Harris' bungalow do this to you?

Del: No. HE'S MOVED! HE'S MOVED!

Rodney: You were right about mee'ing someone else, Del. I wen' down to the rollah discao and met this bird called Zoe,

Del: Zhooeweh?!?!

Rodney: She's a dead cert of Beau Peep or sammink.

Del: Nah, I wasn't righ'. I've got several bottles of Black Magic in the van. You must salvage your relationship for the sake of alcoholic consumption.
G'won. Whi' it rahnd to 'er.

Rodney: 'ere she is. Orwi', boabe?

Zoe stands alongside Rodney

Rodney: Oi Del! I'd get your upside-downness and frayed trousers looked at if I were you.

Rodney and Zoe exit

Del: Thems are the truest cuntin' words you've said this entire series, Rodney.

Barmaid: What 'appened to you?

Del: I've gone all upside down, darling. Rodney got a right walloping before he met Zoe at the roller disco.

End Theme

Ferris

You know when you read a thread title and just think "yes", I just did that. Yes.

V/O: It's the Only Fools and Coach Tours Upside Down Jolly Boys Outing! Join all your Peckham favourites on a road trip you'll never forget!

POLISH RODNEY: 'Ere, what's that noise?

UNCLE GRANDAD: It's cammin' from the luggage compartment, Wodney!

*POLISH RODNEY and UPSIDE-DOWN DEL open the luggage compartment door to find BASIL BOYCIE AS TRIGGER inside.*

UPSIDE-DOWN DEL: What you doin' in there Trig? Trig? Triiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigg!

*UPSIDE-DOWN DEL hopelessly floats away on the breeze like a child's lost helium balloon, shouting at a sheepish looking POLISH RODNEY.*

UPSIDE-DOWN DEL: Rodney, you plonker cunt! You're supposed to be holding my tether!

V/O: There will be fun in the sun, sand and sea!

*The tide comes in and splashes POLISH RODNEY and BASIL BOYCIE AS TRIGGER AS BOYCIE THIS TIME THOUGH on the feet and ankles as they run up the beach*

BASIL BOYCIE AS TRIGGER AS BOYCIE THIS TIME THOUGH: Where's Derek?

*POLISH RODNEY turns around to find UPSIDE-DOWN DEL drowned head first in the water*

POLISH RODNEY: Oh, comics!

V/O: Book now!

greenman

Quote from: Delete Delete Delete on March 20, 2019, 11:27:04 AM
[tag] Del Rises through the bar [tag]

[tag]Chandelier falls harmlessly onto the ceiling[/tag]

DangledTeeth

Int. Flat - Kitchen

Del: It's all going down - upside down - well aht there.

Albert: Doorin' thuh waw... gravy jahg.

Del sniffs the coffee decanter placed on the floor

Del: What's this?! Smell it. It's fucking gray-vay.

Albert: These red labels confused me.

Del: Maxwell House coffee, and Bisto gravy granules - it's a bit of a giveaway, you redundant Lego brick. (Realises) Just-a-minute! If they're pouring Max 'ouse on their lamb escalopes that means they'll imbibe a beefy coffee during an intermission.

Del, upside-down, pokes his head around the doorway

Del: Alriiii'?

Raquel's Mum: Mhm. Thank you.

Del turns in to the kitchen

Del: They's aonly doin' it! They're dispensing grounded beans on their fucking dinner. Not only have you capsized every vessel you've commandeered, you've wanked up a gravy boat.

Del and Albert are seated

Cassandra: Would you like some gravy, Del?

Del: Fuckoff! Ahem. Fuck off, thank you. I'm goin' on a diet.

Cassandra: Would you like some gravy, war hero with a beard?

Albert: No' fer me, d-

Del: Oh, you'll slurp some. Sorry-I-can't-extend-my-arm-farther-than-your-leg. (Del pours gravy over Albert's trousers) Cunt.

Ext. Garage

James: Harrison's Pocket Watch. I'm shaking.

Del: That gravy/coffee gone through yer?

James: Harrison Ford was a great watchmaker. He made the first watch with 12 hours. Worth a fortune, possibly. GGGGod!

Rodney: Bloymay.

Int. Sothe-bees

Auctioneer: Glasses balanced on the tip of my nose. Looks haughty. Hyere is a Harrison Ford watch. We're start the bidding at £150,000



Ext. Boycie's Motors

Rodney: Rolls Royce is yours. And I booked an appointment to sort out that upside-downness.

Del: Cheers, brahv. There's no need to see a quack. That fain'ting thing was part of a mechanism. I've mainly been doin' handstands forra larf.

Rodney: Oh good. I'll cancel that vet appointment, then.

Audience: Emission of hilarity

Int. Flat

Voiceovers: Del, put that pina colada down, you've got school tomorrow. Wendy 'ouse. I never raised a hand to your mother, Rodney, expect in self-defence. Where did you get those aces from? Have a pile of cigarettes, Dave. I'll see you around, sspppPAWT.

Del: Good aold days.

Rodney: You're here for the memories?

Albert: Sao am I, sahn.

Ext. Landing

Del: That time soon in the future not yet present we'll be bbbbillionaires.

Rodney: Del, wha' happened to that 1984 crossover that was supposed to be posted about a month ago?

Del: Need to digitally manipulate a few pictures. Should be done by the weekend.

Sunset: The end.

DangledTeeth

V/O: Oeeunly feools aaand coaaach tuuourrrs! Book a seat today in order to reserve your place on the mobile rectangle of comedy.

Chipmunk-nosed Man Wearing a Cardboard Del Mask: You nevah knah your luck an' game in this world, sweet'eart. Eh. Y'know-wha'-ar-mean. THIS TARME NEX' YEYAR COOSHTY JARBBLY!

Passenger: HAHA! So shit it's funny.

Man with Faded Aqua Highlights: Cosmics. You've crossed the bridge an' we're half an' hour early. How did you get over it so quickly?

Cardboard Del Mask: GET OVER IT!?!? What a ten-ton plonkered you really arse, Rodney. Ain't even star'ed, half-brarv. Good old Derek Bollocks - he's got more baownce than The Magic Roundabout. Tough guy, that's me, guv'na. I've played this role for so long (Dramatic pause) I dunno how to be anything else.

Cardboard Mask Del slips on a small comedy moustache

Cardboard Mask Del as Boycie: Whoooo wannnnts a complimentary cocktail and a pink box? (Mouthing) I do.

Passenger 2: The coach driver was supposed to be driving this coach, and you're supposed to be upside-down. Wholly disorganised and not unusual enough.

Cardboard Mask Del as Boycie: HAH-AGH-EGH-AGH-EGH-AGH-EGH-EGH-AGH! Mawloine, would you serve our guests a sausage on a paper plate.

madhair60

Cassandra's dead baby launches back up her and resurrects, causing fatal trauma.

DangledTeeth

#13
Int. Mansion Corridor

Rodney pins Don Ochetti against the wall

Rodney: You cosmic tit! Guess who I've been on the phone to? Cass-san-dra. Ahhhh! That's shut you the fuck up! Yao knyaow she was going to a bank seminar in Eastbourne and deliberately booked it so you could get a free 'oliday.

Tracksuit Del appears flummoxed as Rodney storms off before turning to furiously point at Tracksuit Del

Rodney: Cunt!

Int. Bedroom

Del: What's up with you, soppy?

Rodney: You know what's up with me. Why are you upside-down?!

Del: Doin' me 'andstand, why?

Rodney: Aohdon, I was 'aving a row with yaou outside just now. Some bloke 'oo looks like you.

Del: Wha'... like a dahble?!

Rodney: Yeah.

Del: Are you quite certain it wasn't a reflection of your farny fags? Gordon Plonkett. Delly Wainboypp investigates...

Int. Don's Office

Del: Jubbly fuckin' hell! This newspaper informs me that Tracksuit Del is a Mafia boss.

Rico enters with two Columbian men

Rico: A pair of business associates here to conduct business with you, Pahp.

Del is upside-down and has a towel wrapped around his feet

Columbia 1: Senor Ochetti, eet eez an honour to meet you. Where dehlihveree of meahchundise?

Del is seated at a desk with this legs and waist visible

Del: You deliver it to that place where I did the jet-ski ride upside-daown to. Biscunt Bay.

Columbian 1: Beez-count.

Columbian 2: Biss-cunt.

Bathroom: BURRRRP!

Del: Taold the bathtub not to have the mutton con carne, but she never listened.

Columbian duo appear perplexed

Del: Well... I believe that concludes our business. Will you excuse me, I've got a plane to catch. Have a nice life, pharmacists. Ajax!

Columbian 1: Yes... Ajax.

Int. Guest Bedroom

Del: Rodney! (Del grips Rodney's triceps) We are in deep jubbly shiiiiit! That Tracksuit Del you saw... he's only a Mafia boss who met Dame Edna. Rico can whistle for that present I considered.

Rodney: We've gotta get out of here. And stop doin' a handstand.

Del: Oh, alriiiight. I can hardly flaoat upside-daown. Gaw, dear! That'd be very unrealistic.

Del peers out of the window and spots a hovercraft

Del: BOYCIIIIE! Get over 'ere! Quickly!

A hovercraft somehow halts alongside the bedroom window

Boycie: Woaynnne, take us all the way back to Peckham in this contraption.

Everyone except for Wooaaynee are snoozing as a portable television displays the news

Telly: Don Ochetti was sentenced to 1,562 years in prison. Judge Lenient gave his crushing sentence as he laughed at Don Ochetti's lightly adequate Marlon Brandon voice. Two Australian men are currently asleep on an airborne hovercraft

Int. Flat

Albert: Welcome 'ome to the wine warehouse, boys.

Rodney: Stop doin' a handstand, Del. You look a right cosmic dipstick of a cunt.

Glebe

DEL: So 'ow much did dah wotch go for in the end?

RODNEY: Mate, you're gonna break your neck like that.

Cuellar


DangledTeeth

V/O: Coach tour, featuring characters from the much-loved sitcom Only Fools and Horses.

Spanish Rodney: Del Boy, mate, you're upside-down.

Passenger: We're all upside-down. This coach was already the wrong way up before we got on it.

Passenger 2: What episode is this based on?

Bollocks Del: Erm... A Stationary Upside-down Coach to Nowhereford.

Luggage Trigger: I would roll out of this compartment, but I'll probably fracture my arm due to the five-foot drop. Ladder, please.

-

V/O: Comeeeedy catering at a Travelodge or assembly hall.

Long-haired Brunette Marlene: Boycie loves the chicken, doesn't 'e - one of my well-known lines.

Craggy Del: Plonky jubblers, moy sahn. 'ere darlin', you ordered the roast pork with pickles and crusty bread.

Woman Diner: That's correct, yes.

Craggy Del: Now, there's a slight chance you've got salmon-hello poisoning. Everyone has to go to the hospital at some stage - and today it's your turn.

Woman Diner: Ha-ha-ha-ha

Craggy Del: Aonly jokin', sweetwally. (Puts on comedy beard) Dyoowin-nuh-wuwah Bob Mar'in's vi'amin tablets

Stocky Rodney: Del! Del! You're supposed to be upside-daown.

Gollum Trigger: Dave's got a point.

Comedy Beard Uncle Albert: Daon't matter nah, sahn. Shhhh! I've changed into Uncah Lahbert. ShHhHH! Don't tell anyone. SHHHHHHHHHH!

DangledTeeth

Int. Hospital

Upside-down Del: Scottish Doctor Meadows from Scotland! Ar daon't believe it!

Dr Meadows: Please, Derek, none of your cheery brashness in front of the bed-dwellers. I want to be taken seriously. Look at my stripy rugby top.

Upside-down Del: Sorry. Robbie Meadows, yer old twat.

Dr Meadows: I was intrigued by a file describing a Derek Trotter whose diet is purely organic and vegan. Could it be Darek Trrrrotter, the same willin, dillin pina colada looht I begrudgingly admire? Yes.

Upside-down Del: Come on, Doc. Straigh' off the 'ip. Do I have a debilitating illness? Will I at least get the shits from time to time?

Dr Meadows: Well Del, prepare yourself for an avalanche of underwhelming news... there's nothing wrong with you. Having said that, the way you've chosen to lie on this very bed is remarkably unconventional and visually ungainly. Cut down on the cigars; live a boring life revolved around muesli. And don't go lying on hospital beds upside-down, because the staff will either address your bare feet or will look as though they're talking to a clipboard hanging off the lower end of the bed.

Upright Del: Thanks. Thank you very much, Robbie. (To himself) That's why I couldn't view the telly *sniff* silly old cunt.

Glebe

Quote from: DangledTeeth on March 22, 2019, 09:13:50 PMDr Meadows: Well Del, prepare yourself for an avalanche of underwhelming news... there's nothing wrong with you. Having said that, the way you've chosen to lie on this very bed is remarkably unconventional and visually ungainly. Cut down on the cigars; live a boring life revolved around muesli. And don't go lying on hospital beds upside-down, because the staff will either address your bare feet or will look as though they're talking to a clipboard hanging off the lower end of the bed.

Chuckle!

Glebe

RODNEY: You never looked after me.

UPSIDE DOWN DEL: Yes I did! I had two paper rounds! I had to deliver three Daily Mails, four Mirrors and a Fick 'n' Fruity for the weirdo down Memory Lane! And all while standing on me 'ead!

ALBERT: Speaking of which, Del, turn y'self right side up. You'll get a crick in y'neck.



Ferris


Glebe


DangledTeeth

Sheree Murphy: 'scuse me, miss. Have you seen a policeman 'rahnd 'ere?

Councillor Murray: No.

Goatee Thug: Thengivvusyermoney!

The muggers are distracted by a pair of approaching silhouettes

Thug 2: The shitting hell is that?!?!

Councillor Murray: I fucking have no fucking idea.

Knock-off Batman Theme: BIB-BEEE... PAH-PAAAAH. BIB-BEEE... PAH-PAAAAH.



The muggers sprint away

Del Man: Ah, Councillor Murray, I wrote to you some t-

Rodbin: Dee-yeeel! Let's gao!

Del: Sorry, must dash upside-down. Party imminent.

Knock-off Batman Theme: DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NU-NU-NU-NU-NAAAAH

Int. House

Del: Boycie, mate, you ain't gonna win dressed like thaa-aat! The Penguin.

Boycie: Aoh naoh, Del... not The Penguin, more like Oswald Cobblepot

Del and Rodney spray silly string and chant the Batman theme

Boycie: Harry died last night. This has now been updated to a last-minute wake.

Silly String: In your hair, darlin'.

Denzil: Didn't you know Harry died?

Del: Of course we fuckin' didn't, or else we wouldn't have come as Upside-down Batman and... (Sways forearm) Zorro.

Rodney: Robin.

Del: Now's not the time for bird-watching, Rodney.

Trigger: Bit of a choker about old Harry.

Del: We only found out once we arrived. We didn't knaow 'e died.

Trigger: Me neither. I've come dressed as Lloyd Christmas as a chauffeur. I feel rightfully stupid now.

Del: Yes, Trig, you look silly. Gonna get a beer.

Trigger: I don't think you and Del would've won first prize.

Rodney: No?

Trigger: You look alright. But Del doesn't really resemble Spiderman.

Knock-off Batman Theme: DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NU-NU-NU-NU-NAAAAH

Ferris

Great thread.

I'd like to write something about upside-down Del but it's hks character that is flipped (speaks in RP, classically educated, law-abiding citizen etc etc) but lack the time or energy to make this work.

Glebe

DEL: Robbie! Did they do the tests? What were the results?

DR. ROBERT: I think I'd better tell you the results, Derek, it'd be better in the long run, not that you have long to run, heh! You've fucked.

DEL: What?! No! But, how, Robbie?

ROB: Being upside down has affected the tests.

DEL: But what if we try the tests again, with me right side up?

DOCTOR ROB: Hey, that's a great idea! We'll give it a try!

LATER.

ROBO: Well Del the results are in, and right side up, the prognosis is better!

RIGHT SIDE UP DEL: Hurrah! B-but what's wrong with me, Robbie?

ROBBIE!: You've got an irritating bowel's syndrome, Derek. Nature is telling you to eat more fried foods, get some rest, smoke a few cigars a day and eat bird cage droppings and live a boring life and that. Now I don't want to see you ever again... and make sure to stay right side up in future!

DEL: Thanks... thank you, Robbie!

GMTV

Michael Corleone: You Australians with your wacky ideas and unusual spatial preferences

Del Boy: Am not a bleedin' Aussie ah just live upside dahn

DangledTeeth

#27
Ext. Countryside

Del: Wha'?! You wan' me to have a go in one-a them hanggliding things? Oh, no-no-no-no. I don't wanna spoil yer fun.

Lisa: Listen to me, Trotters, I have gone to great lengths in organising this thank-you present for that lovely meal and Rodney's selection of cheese.
(To Andy) If only you could've seen it, Andy.

Rodney: Hangglide around and Del might chunder the contents of last night's dinner, unless he went for a massive shit earlier before we set off.

Andy and Lisa run off in order to make last-minute preparations

Del: Wish I kept my fuckin' mahf shut. I can't back out of this.

Rodney: Naaoh, you'd look like a complete cunt in front of everyone.

Del: I know I toasted yer countenance, but as Uncah Lahbert said: 'During the post-war I met yer Aunt Ada and I fell out with my brother because of it'. We mustn't fight over Lisa, seeing as she ran off with him hand in hand. Come on... barge-hug of solidarity?

Rodney: C'mere you cosmic tit. (Hugs) Right, right, the facts, right... dan't wanna hangglide, pride intact etc. You act all dead kayn ta ge' up in them clouds, then I halt proceedings by saying 'Derek, telephone call for us'. (Produces cordless red phone) 'oo's gonna know any different, eh?

Del: Lovely jubbly idea, Rodders. Good boy, good booooy. (Calling) An-dyyyy, 'urry the fuck ahp, son! I wanna soar across the countryside.
(To Rodney) 'e doesn't know. Now it's time to do my assertive walk then get the glider gear on.

Andy: Ready when you are, Del

Del: Cushty. Thermal pants are snug. Hee-hee. Erm... is that... is that our phone I can h-

Rodney: Nah-woh. We ain't got a car phone. Get up as high as you can, Del. You might spot a suntan bed emporium during your acrobatics.

Del (Stern whisper): I'll get you for this if I survive this imminent flight, Rodney. You see if I daon't. (To himself) Off I go! Oh fuckly jubbly! Ahhhhhh!!!!



Andy: What the fuck is that paramilitary expert doing? He's heading out to the ridge.

Rodney: I hope they've got a gigantic bouncy castle out there to land on.

Lisa: No chance. The ocean is over there.

Int. Trotters' Flat

Albert: Have a brandy, sahn. Alcoholic drink.

Rodney: Yes, I know what a brandy is. I've got a GCE in Drinks.

*Ding-dong*

Trigger: They found 'im, Dave. Collided into a television transmitter.

Rodney: How's he doing?

Trigger: Well, apart from the fact it doesn't have the ability to speak and isn't a third-person personal pronoun, it's been decimated by Del's sub-par piloting prowess.

Rodney: Not the fuckin' transmitter. I mean Del. How's Del?

Trigger: Ask Mr Wheelchair yourself, Dave.

Del is pushed in by Mike

Del: You didn't come 'ome by hangglider, Rodney. The vet said I may never be able to do a handstand ever again. It's my punishment for giving you a temporary tan. Rodney, my half-brother, I won't hold it against you.

Rodney (Plainly): Alrigh'.

Del: Not a hint of sympathy detected in your voice.

Rodney: Leave off, Del. Stick your classic 1960s single on and you'll be dancing your tits off. What is it you wan', a free wheelchair or a bunk-up with Lisa?

Del rises and does a handstand, then presses his feet into Rodney's armpits

Del: Now-you-listen-to-me, you elongated bumhead. I may not be able t- (Smirks) I must admit, there's some strength in my arms.

Albert: You lying vol-au-vent in caold tea! Don't tell them sorta lies, Del.

Del: Rodney's fault, technically mine for instigating this mayhem. I was upside-down in the air for three hours! People were shaoutin' ''HANGGLIDER
MAN! HANGGLIDER MAN!'' I landed on sammink soft.

Rodney: Yes, you probably have a bruise on yer cock.

Del: No I don't. Due to your vicious mind and BROAD CUNTYNESS, a courting couple have been so traumatised by the event they postponed
their ceremonial shindig for another time.

Trigger: Which reminds me, Lisa's getting married. You'll all invited.

Del and Rodney are surprised

Albert: Engaged woman. Wha' a coupla wallytwats. Heah-eeh-ugh-hyur!

DangledTeeth

#28
Yupside-down Love

Int. Bar

Barman: Are you eating here this evening?

Del: I'm merely nibbling on this biro - it's a Bic.

Barman: Nope. I wasn't referring to what's in your gob. Our bistro has just opened.

Del: Oh, no thanks, John. 'Bistro is for wimps' as they say in Reykjavik. Any'ow, my mate might come down wiv a savoury snack from our local pahb.

Trigger descends the trendy concrete staircase

Del: Speak of the wally, 'ere 'e is naow. (Calling) Trig, over 'ere, ma'e.

Trigger: Evening, Del. I'm in my rich blue suit.

Del: Not as rich as these yuppie sorts, mind. Whatcha doin' 'ere, then?

Trigger: I've been temporarily barred by Mike. He accused me of stealing a pork pie I swiped and ensconced into my pocket. I resent pastries luxuriously filled with pigs' arses. I'm thinking of sewing him for... erm... I can't pronounce polysyllabic legal terms.

Del: I'm no good with them. I'd perhaps come ahp with a silly malapropism.

Trigger: Yeah... I 'ad a bout of that once and took the day off work.

Del: Mhm. I've been earholing their conversation; they don't speak in our cockney vernacular.

Trigger: Oh. Are they foreign?

Del: Might as well be. Lottie and Henrietta are all abaht pristine enunciation and yacht trips. But one thing that's prominent in their high-class prattle is money.

Trigger: Yeah? (Trigger stands in the vicinity of two affluent women) I was listening to that song off Dark Side of the Moon the other day.

Del: Eh!?!? Nah, nah, Trig. I don't mean Pink Floyd's fucking single that was removed from the stop-motion montage in Cash and Curry due to copyright. No. I mean notes an' all thaa-aat.

Trigger: Doesn't surprise me. Look at 'em guzzling their wine.

Del: Naoh, I don't mean 'notes' as in the aromas and flavours. Gordon Fuckett! I mean literal money, i.e. pahnd coins and paper rectangles.

Trigger: Got yer, Del. (Winks slowly and taps his nose) Charles Darwin had a right old beard on 'im, didn't 'e.

Del (Mumbled): I don't believe this cunt. (To Trigger) Watch me, righ'...

Del saunters across to a table and readies his Filofax

Del: It's a righ' pissing pain in the nuts when yer trying to negotiate the old FTSE 100 wiv the bookrunner.

Martha (Ironically): Reaa-lly. How frightfully exciting.

Del: Those stockbrokers ought to tie ahp the laces of their greenshoes. Enough to make yer nips itch. Excuse me, how do you spell 'arrod's?

Martha: Apostrophe.

Del: Apostr- Oh! Another reference to a seventies rock album. Beam me up, Stinkfoot.

Del notices a woman glance at him

Del: Success is imminent, Trigger. Act nonchalantly, my esteemed friend. Exclamation of confidence.



Del stands upright after Trigger does a 360 turn

Trigger: Do you wan' a pork pie, Del?

Del: No, ma'e. I've got cramp in me arse. Cramp in me arse.

DangledTeeth

#29
Int. Stately Home

Del: Is this one a Da Vinci?

Lord Algernon Cashbollocks: No. You've asked this question in the wrong episode. The location is similar, although the year and scenario is different.

Rodney: That's a Canaletto.

Del: Oh yeah, 'im. That's the fucker. Wen' on to make those ice creams with the waffle cones, didn't 'e.

Wallace the Butler: Telephone call for you, your grace.

Lord Cashbollocks exits to his study, Del follows with a drink

Lady Cashbollocks: Where do you live? That's assuming you're not squatting hyere. Uh-heh-hm-heh.

Grandad: Peckham, a dismal working-class area of South London.

Rodney: Oh, erm, we live in the grand part of Peckham, namely Peckham-on-the-heath. Actually, there's no such district. I'm a social-conscious lefty who
suddenly cares about your snobbery. I ought to defiantly say we live in a coucil tower block, we're proud and get by, thankyouverymucccchhh.

Lady Cashbollocks: Ueh, I've never been to that presumably squalid town in London. What's the style of your abode?

Rodney: It's a complex of apartments. Very sophisticated. It has stairs... windows... everything.

Grandad: It's a righ' state. A Brutalist eyesore of hopeless gloom. The flats I'm referring to are the ones from the opening title sequence, mind. We rent it as we're not financially secure enough to purchase it

Rodney: No, Grandad, we lease it. (To Lady Cashbollocks) Bless 'im. Musta been the shrapnel of a doodlebug that's cluttered his memory.

Grandad: Ah yeah! The council said we can purchase our appalling dive of a cunthole for a lowly price which is out of our range.

Rodney (Muttered): For cosmic fuck's sake.

Int. Study

Del (Singing): How much is that douuuughnut in the windowwww? The one with the sugar-coated glaze and custard fillinnnnng.

Lord Cashbollocks: But the thing is a cat, not an edible delicacy. The incorrect lyrics and cadence do not suit its appearance

Del: Wha' do you expect forra fiver?! I can tell you're interested in a piece of novelty tat just because of how cheap it is. Let me go to my van. I'll eavesdrop on your pivotal telephone exchange.

Lord Cashbollocks (On phone): Mate, you're telling me you can't polish my decadent emitters?

Int. Hall

Del: Shame we couldn't stay longer. Daon't wanna outstay our welcome.

Lady Cashbollocks: Yes. Fuck off!

Del surveys a row of Chandeliers

Del: Beau'iful craftsmanship, squire. They are chandeliers. Naow keep yer sound cavern shut for a sec, yer lordship. Them chandeliers are very, very old.

Lord Cashbollocks: Spot on, Troglodyte. How do you know so much about chandeliers?

Del: How do 'we' know? Sorry for my chortle, sir. It's like asking Jack the Ripple if 'e killed anyone.

Grandad: 'Ripper'.

Del: Jubbly Bennett! Rodney taold you not to drop any malodorous farts in this charming house.

Lord Cashbollocks: I have a bottle of port in my study. Let's get hammered and discuss your earner.

Int. Trotters' Flat

Rodney: We're not gonna do a bodge job. Specialist equipment is required.

Del: Wha' do you take a sneaky tit like me for, eh? (Calling) Grandad! Get the j-cloth, Pritt Stick, sellotape and a bottle of turps aht the cupboard, please.

Int. Opulent Corridor

Grandad (OOV): Shall I turn the handle thing now?

Del and Rodney: FUCKING NOOOOO!

Del: Gordon Ginnett! We ain't ahp the ladder yet.

Del and Rodney are standing on a ladder on each side

Del: Don't laugh or else we'll be sacked from this job. Now brace yourself, Rodney. Brace yourself.



Trigger: As the least intelligent character of this sitcom, I deem it most hilarious to suddenly enter this scene and remind you, Del, that the chandelier isn't supposed to move in reverse; you are supposed to be upside-down, for some inexplicable yet funny reason.

Del: Aoh, Peugeot Jean Jacques Perrey! Thissiz awl yaw faul', Rodney!

Wallace: Fuck me! The decimated chandelier we asked you to tidy up - after polishing the second one - has somehow been repaired. I must telephone his grace immediately about this wondrous occurrence.

Del: We'll wai' for 'im to come back so he can pay us. In the meantime, let's have a piss-up in his study

Trigger: Capital notion. Have a pork pie, Derek. Courtesy of the Nag's Head.

Del: Cheers, Trig.