Author Topic: Internet Dating [split topic]  (Read 10765 times)

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #30 on: March 23, 2019, 08:18:26 AM »
I mean my point was kind of that it was okay if you're already engaged in some kind of relationship with that person because there's a mutual consent to see each other in that way. But sure let's go down the "zomgmouse is a puritan who forbids masturbation" route again. Also probably best not to derail this thread with wank talk.

Nice one mate I'll take that as 'loooooads'. You were a nutter but glad you came out of it wanking yourself hoarse.

zomgmouse

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #31 on: March 23, 2019, 09:28:34 AM »
Nice one mate I'll take that as 'loooooads'. You were a nutter but glad you came out of it wanking yourself hoarse.

Nice one mate I'll take that as you never really got what I was on about did you

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #32 on: March 23, 2019, 09:40:34 AM »
I understand that you tied yourself up in psychological gordian knots yep


Either way great to hear your now wankin in spaec

Clownbaby

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #33 on: March 23, 2019, 10:36:18 AM »
I don't have the energy to get annoyed at Tinder profiles that only consist of a single group picture – just swipe left and move on, never looking back and thinking of what you could have had with Crowd Member #7 – but I do resent profiles where there are several group pictures, and I end up wasting time trying to work out the one person they all have in common by a process of elimination. It's like horny sudoku

Now those. Those are the ones that started the rant. Only groups. They don't think at any point "better put up a photo of my self alone amongst all these inscrutable group photos."- I've seen so many blurry photos of a crowd at a festival at night. That is taking the piss. Imagine being such a shady bastard that all 3 of your Tinder pictures are just the backs of a crowd of strangers' heads. What is that trying to achieve?

Clownbaby

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #34 on: March 23, 2019, 10:37:50 AM »
Just ask them. Or, better, offer to guess.

I have asked and every single time without fail there is no response whatsoever because they're the crappy one and they don't want you to know that until they've secured a meet up

ToneLa

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #35 on: March 23, 2019, 10:38:14 AM »
If I swipe right on a group and organise a date, I'm gonna be annoyed if only one person shows up!!

zomgmouse

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #36 on: March 23, 2019, 12:56:05 PM »
I understand that you tied yourself up in psychological gordian knots yep


Either way great to hear your now wankin in spaec

No

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #37 on: March 23, 2019, 01:51:46 PM »
I have asked and every single time without fail there is no response whatsoever because they're the crappy one and they don't want you to know that until they've secured a meet up

I think crappy is a bit of a harsh adjective. What you mean is not as good looking as their mates. Well, fair enough, don’t date them. I don’t think they’re necessarily tricking people though. My own personal strategy is to use bad photos, that way I have no nerves about the other person being underwhelmed when they see me.

icehaven

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #38 on: March 23, 2019, 02:02:32 PM »
If I swipe right on a group and organise a date, I'm gonna be annoyed if only one person shows up!!

I laughed. In fact I almost want to sign up to a dating site purely to troll group photo posters now.

phes

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #39 on: March 23, 2019, 02:23:35 PM »
Not long ago I would have asked what the heck a 22 year old woman needed to do online dating for, but I've been schooled since that it's just how it is now. A while back I was surprised to learn a then 27 year old friend of mine had met his girlfriend of a few years on Tinder and asked him, as they're both hardly shabby in the looks department, what on earth they were both doing on there, and he just shrugged and said 'Everyone is, it's just what you do now.' When I was in my mid-20s I'd have sooner died than put pictures of myself on a dating website, so (without meaning this to be patronising or anything) I feel a bit sorry for generations that almost feel as though they have to.

I meet plenty of younger people for whom the concept of getting pissed up in a bar and trying to pull/hoping something just happens organically is weird and almost alien. Lose count of the number of 35+ people I spot who have just signed up to an app and open with 'so it's come to this...' or any variation of something that implies app daters are oddballs, inadequates, losers etc. It's not a great look.

As mentioned up-thread, Geographically apps will have different utility. Using Bumble, Tinder and and OKC for a year or so, and for a while a few years back I have relatively similar success in finding dates on each app but each has it's own feel. Bumble I find to be claustrophobically aspirational. Every photo is like something from a modern clothing catalogue and it seems to attract a lot of clean cut, healthy living professionals. And yet despite writing a bio most still don't take the time to read yours. So I get an awful lot of inappropriate matches. Tinder seems a bit broader and I get the impression has a lot more working class people than Bumble. It's reputation as a hookup app (it's not, good luck with that) seems to put a lot of cleaner cut people off. I find the banality and cliches that plague both to be equally irritating and soul crushing, probably because i'm an asshole. The one thing I do struggle with and that actually impacts me negatively is the amount of sex shaming women put on other women (I can't speak on the men). I can understand why it happens but still It's really fucking depressing to read so frequently. Ultimately they both throw up as many good dates in the end.  OKC is slightly different and always used to be the haven for LGBTQ/poly. Despite some functionality changes that have degraded its utility and dragged it towards tinder, it's still the place to meet more alternative types. So traffic is lower and my activity on there is lower. But the several people I have met from there have been great matches and I've ended up having relationships/a great time with.

Tinder is close to being a pay site now, in terms of how successful you want to be at getting likes. If I just leave it then I'll get a like every couple of days. If I buy several boosts for £12 or whatever it is and use them at the right times then I'll get 25-40 likes from those. If you don't then you won't be visible enough to get many likes and matches. If you are fussy or in any way unconventional then you'll probably need that level of visibility to connect with suitable people 

re. Hookie profiles. I see virtually none on bumble, a lot of models and insta ads on tinder but these are always obvious because of the links in profile or images. OkC sadly had been the worst, but it's usually easy to identify the profile is a scam because it feels so obviously unreal. And you can always tineye photos if unsure. I did have one is this a scam? turned out well experience with a woman who was very, very attractive and after a few hours chatting asked if she could Whatsapp me some more representative pics. So she did and right in the middle of several images of her on day trips or relaxing was a photo of her, tits out, sex face, climbing across a bed like an animal etc. I was dubious but gave her a fair shake as she seemed real enough. We ended up having a fantastic overnight date and she was ace company, funny and stupidly hot. Just a pervert. Makes you think

I always assumed that people who put on all photos with multiple people were either too stupid to understand that strangers don't know who they are, or they assumed people would take the time to work it out. It never occurred that people would deliberately conceal their identity
« Last Edit: March 23, 2019, 04:22:02 PM by phes »

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #40 on: March 23, 2019, 07:26:19 PM »
Happy to help.

icehaven

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #41 on: March 23, 2019, 08:30:42 PM »
I always assumed that people who put on all photos with multiple people were either too stupid to understand that strangers don't know who they are, or they assumed people would take the time to work it out. It never occurred that people would deliberately conceal their identity

Maybe they're hoping that if it's meant to be, you'll know which one they are.

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #42 on: March 23, 2019, 08:39:21 PM »
I think anyone's experience of online dating/apps probably depends partly on their age, gender and location, but aside from that I think it's probably what you make of it, as irritating a phrase as that is. I've become really disillusioned and lazy with it recently because I feel like a insecure bundle of nerves at the moment, but at times when I've felt energised and confident and thought 'fuck it lads, let's do this', it's gone pretty well.

I find the group photos annoying too, but I just never swipe right on those. Likewise, I don't tend to swipe right on guys with no bio at all (unless any of their photos give me a potential starter for a funny/interesting talking point - otherwise, what is there to say? 'Hello, I think your face looks quite nice, let's meet up please as I would like to sit on it' - I'm just not that confident). Or, if there's a bio but it indicates we'll have fuck all in common - again, no.

I think 'photogenic' is a subjective thing really, I hate 99% of photos of myself, but you kind of have to just bite the bullet and go with it and often you're your own harshest critic in that regard.

Re: Tinder vs. Bumble: might as well get both, although you might notice the same [people's profiles cropping up across both.

I also recently downloaded Hinge, which I've heard good things about from my friends - I haven't been on any dates from it yet, but it seems quite good for the 'finding something to talk about' element as it gives you questions to answer (some are a bit cheesy but it saves the slew of 'ANYTHING U WANT TO KNOW JUST ASK' bios*), and I guess it's potentially useful seeing people's religious/political affiliations, drink/drug habits or family plans at a glance (you can even set 'deal breakers' so it won't show you anyone who, for example, wants kids or votes Tory).


Quote from: zomgmouse
. However on apps there's so little pressure because these are literally strangers you'll most likely never see or talk to again.

I wouldn't be so sure, I live in London (which if anything made me more blase about it) but it's still a small world. There have been two separate occasions where a guy I'd been on a few dates with has ended up evidently moving/working near me after the thing had fizzled out, meaning I had to awkwardly run into them every morning. Oh well, it's quite funny really, if you can't stand in a crowded Tube carriage next to someone who last saw you naked then... I don't know, it's just funny I guess.


Broaching 30 without anything resembling a long lasting relationship, I'm fairly skeptical about my chances of developing anything.

Yep, same here, something that's making me massively massively anxious and miserable at the moment (which I've posted about elsewhere here). But as I said earlier, as frustrating as it is, I think it is just case of getting on with it.

*I have yet to do this, but I'm really tempted to swipe right on one of these profiles one day and send a message saying HOW BIGS YA WANGER THEN or something equally childish.

zomgmouse

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #43 on: March 23, 2019, 10:13:31 PM »
I think 'photogenic' is a subjective thing really, I hate 99% of photos of myself, but you kind of have to just bite the bullet and go with it and often you're your own harshest critic in that regard.

You just have to remember that you can't read people's minds when it comes to taste and attraction and there will be people who like your appearance just as you like other people's. Try not to think about it too much and as you say just go with it.

it's potentially useful seeing people's religious/political affiliations, drink/drug habits or family plans at a glance
You can now do this on Bumble as well, and okcupid of course. I tried Hinge ages ago but either there weren't enough profiles or I don't know what but it just kept cycling through the same dozen or so people even after I'd swiped on them before.

I wouldn't be so sure, I live in London (which if anything made me more blase about it) but it's still a small world. There have been two separate occasions where a guy I'd been on a few dates with has ended up evidently moving/working near me after the thing had fizzled out, meaning I had to awkwardly run into them every morning. Oh well, it's quite funny really, if you can't stand in a crowded Tube carriage next to someone who last saw you naked then... I don't know, it's just funny I guess.
You're right of course but I more mean that it's likelier you'll keep having to interact with people you've already been interacting with. Although honestly again it's just a matter of accepting that that's something that happens. Unless something massively unpleasant happened. But that's possible in other contexts too.

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #44 on: March 23, 2019, 10:34:27 PM »
Downloaded OKCupid earlier. Initially didn't see the point as frankly I didn't care about the answers to any of the questions it was asking me, but I actually find scrolling through it somehow less stressful than I did with Bumble. Matched with someone I matched with there too and am considering an hilarious "we meet again" style message.
The daily like limit's a pain, and on Bumble it was easy to decipher the pixelated images of people who'd liked me, whereas here there are no clues. Might stick with this one for a bit?

zomgmouse

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #45 on: March 23, 2019, 10:59:56 PM »
on Bumble it was easy to decipher the pixelated images of people who'd liked me, whereas here there are no clues.

If you get emails from okcupid it will at least send you a grid of 9 people, one of whom is the person who's liked you.

However I've found it's a bit of a trap to try to figure out who's liked you or not, or make decisions based on if they've liked you or not. At one point it even got stressful swiping left on someone if I didn't fancy them but they'd liked me because it felt like letting them down or something. But then you literally don't know these people and you're on there for your own reasons so you're really not beholden to trying to appease people by liking them back. And what's more it is almost better for me not to know, because then I'm entirely making a call based on my own interest - if it's a match it's a match and if it's not then it's not - if you weren't interested anyway then what's the point?

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #46 on: March 23, 2019, 11:56:38 PM »
Quick thing:

How do you DEFINITELY know if a woman is interested in you, lads?
I was chatting in a group and this one French girl and I were having some good ironic joking around and shared the same dry sense of humour which was great. But on the other hand she was kind of turned away from me and didn't seem overly enthused so I don't know if that's just a French thing.

The guy with us at the end of the night asked if I was going to get lucky, which confused me because:

a) she has a boyfriend who is like 5 stone lighters and 5 inches taller.
b) I didn't think she was interested, as previously stated.

But if this guy thought so then who knows. Maybe its just played up for drama.

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #47 on: March 24, 2019, 12:07:13 AM »
Quote from: zomgmouse
But then you literally don't know these people and you're on there for your own reasons so you're really not beholden to trying to appease people by liking them back. And what's more it is almost better for me not to know, because then I'm entirely making a call based on my own interest - if it's a match it's a match and if it's not then it's not - if you weren't interested anyway then what's the point?

Yep, Tinder's USP when it first came out (alongside the GPS location-based filtering, nabbed from apps like Grindr) was the fact that you'd only know who liked you if you also liked them.

I think it forces you to be selfish (in a good way), which I think was especially appealing for women - on platforms where anyone can express their interest in anyone else, I can image you might feel obliged to appease people who you have no real interest in, or at the very least you're just bombarded with unwanted messages that will never be read.

I downloaded the Plenty of Fish app (where you could send anyone a direct message) a couple of years ago, but deleted it within a day or two as my phone was non-stop notifying me that I had new messages, most of which were along the lines of 'hey', 'heya', 'hi', 'hi baby xxx' or 'haha so u like going to the pub does that mean u have daddy issues loool' (yeah, really).

I'm not exactly Helen of Troy so I imagine this happens to most women, but then I can imagine the flip side is that on apps where users have more control over the flow of communication, it's easier for inertia (or fear) to set in and the conversation just never really gets started.

icehaven

  • I will be in the bar, with my head on the bar
Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #48 on: March 24, 2019, 08:06:48 AM »
Quick thing:

How do you DEFINITELY know if a woman is interested in you, lads?

You ask, or they tell you directly. Not ideal, but that's the only way to DEFINITELY know because there's no infallible secret signal or code or anything, and different people work differently to each other anyway.

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #49 on: March 24, 2019, 08:22:18 AM »
Well that's a bugger.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #50 on: March 24, 2019, 08:28:06 AM »
Wrong, it's if she likes Blackadder

icehaven

  • I will be in the bar, with my head on the bar
Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #51 on: March 24, 2019, 08:30:58 AM »
Actually if she's French you could try that song, voulez-vous coucher avec me etc.

a duncandisorderly

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #52 on: March 24, 2019, 08:55:05 AM »
I understand that you tied yourself up in psychological gordian knots yep


Either way great to hear your now wankin in spaec

guys, please. take it the fuck somewhere else.

a duncandisorderly

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #53 on: March 24, 2019, 09:00:21 AM »
You ask, or they tell you directly. Not ideal, but that's the only way to DEFINITELY know because there's no infallible secret signal or code or anything, and different people work differently to each other anyway.

that, or else you just know.

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #54 on: March 24, 2019, 09:22:38 AM »
Go on...

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #55 on: March 24, 2019, 09:31:24 AM »
My logic was always if I think they like me, then they probably do. The basis for that being all the women you meet that you don't think fancy you.


a duncandisorderly

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #56 on: March 24, 2019, 09:43:57 AM »
My logic was always if I think they like me, then they probably do. The basis for that being all the women you meet that you don't think fancy you.

I think part of the problem here is this 'fancy' business not being the same for both sexes, or not in this context anyway.

Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #57 on: March 24, 2019, 10:13:23 AM »
The problem is once you know someone fancies you you kind of go off them and lose respect for them because you automatically think "jesus your standards have dropped that low?" So I tend to assume they aren't interested and it works out.

Clownbaby

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #58 on: March 24, 2019, 10:37:35 AM »
I think crappy is a bit of a harsh adjective. What you mean is not as good looking as their mates. Well, fair enough, don’t date them. I don’t think they’re necessarily tricking people though. My own personal strategy is to use bad photos, that way I have no nerves about the other person being underwhelmed when they see me.

Of course they're bloody tricking. There is no way that people who put JUST group photos up with more than 8 people with them aren't hoping you won't be able to tell which one they are. It's a crappy thing to do so the person is acting a bit crappy if you ask me. I wasn't being totally serious when i said the person will be the crappy one by the way, just that it seems that way if theres a load of other people in the photos and when you think youve figured out "oh i think its him, he looks alright. He's in every photo so it must be him surely"  then it turns out through messaging them it was actually the sweaty annoying looking guy at the back who is blurred and shouting in the picture it can be a bit disappointing. Surely that's understandable eh

Self-esteem regardless, you've got to put up at least one clear picture of yourself or people will not know who they are contacting, on an app such as Tinder where the main thing people are judging others on is how they look. So like you say if you put up a sort of ordinary unphotogenic photo people know what they're getting in for and you're sorted.

It's all well and good going "just don't date them then" but it would be easier for everyone if people were just honest about who they are from the get-go because appearances are all you go by on Tinder at first, that's what it's for.
« Last Edit: March 24, 2019, 10:57:00 AM by Clownbaby »

Z

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Re: Internet Dating [split topic]
« Reply #59 on: March 24, 2019, 10:44:16 AM »
The problem is once you know someone fancies you you kind of go off them and lose respect for them because you automatically think "jesus your standards have dropped that low?" So I tend to assume they aren't interested and it works out.
Nah, you can always assume it's because of some weird personal baggage that won't emerge for years.

Alternatively, maybe you're at least a little bit charming or whatever?